These are meant to be helpful pointers of our tricky mind. I'm not trying to say I'm right about these and I'm not an expert. But even if you are having dark night of the soul, please understand that your issues are no match to the light within you. Even if they were to be advanced issues, you can still pursue enlightenment. Please do not kid yourself by saying you wouldn't on any level want to be let go of your pain.
If you feel meaningless, then maybe it means that you see your attachments and ego as meaningless. You do not see their job as necessary anymore, but since you still identify with you being responsible for them, which means you think you are meaningless. It may feel like you have failed your job of tricking yourself. Isn't that funny how our mind works? All of this does not take away the spontaneous joy in life. That can still remain even without it.
If you want to just suffer, you're already doing it. (All the issues are still there but in different forms if you go back)
Look at where you are right now. Does it feel free? Or does it feel stuck?
This doesn't sound too bad. You could try watching this, mainly the techniquelessness.
When your mind attacks, nothing is going wrong. Your mind is just showing you where you have thoughts and attachments related to personhood left. Once you just are, they won't have power. If you're afraid or feel like you can't do it, it'll get easier once you just stay as water for a while.