Gabriel Antonio

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"When you feel like judging someone, go find a mirror." - Chico Xavier (Brazilian psychic.) Note: His Wikipedia page is pretty interesting....

Maybe it is all a fucking repetition… Back to feeling SHITTY! [4:02 PM] I had a pretty cool synchronicity experience yesterday. I wrote on a napkin: Turn sadness into… Art. Cause I am in this phase of trying to channel my emotions into something greater, instead of trying to get rid of them. And then, I watched an episode of “Love” (Netflix series), and Gus said EXACTLY that to Arya. I was like, “WTF, Universe? Are you kidding with me?” Sure, the brain loves to pick-and-choose, but this was kinda cool. This episode is probably the third of the third season. The title is, as I recall, Arya and Gus. I think this show is a must-watch for people-pleasers and how you actually DO NOT need to change yourself one iota. Most of the time I am feeling very directionless. I keep thinking, “I need to find a strategy…” But on the other hand, I have tried so goddamn much that I feel like this moment of my life is to relax the fuck down. But stupid thought patterns keep emerging. Self-destructive ones. Things that are NOT going to help me. So I go on to this spiral of negativity… My subconscious mind does the favor of bringing up the most cringy experiences I have gone through… All that shit of my past, which everybody has, comes stronger in my most vulnerable moments… And another thing I have been getting is the fear of missing out on life. In a way, I feel like I stopped “living” at 11. After that, I feel like fear took control of my life. This makes me feel so stuck in my head that I end up not doing anything proactive to change my situation… (even if it is something small, just to build momentum…) Cause you know what? Had I not acted last year (even if it was neurotically-driven), I wouldn’t have left my house and met so many amazing people. Random thoughts It scares me how poor of a concentration I have. I was thinking of taking drum classes to improve that. A fun way to stay concentrated is through rhythm… I feel like I am too ungrateful for life, and that I will only start appreciating it when I am old. Well, this is definitely a very pessimistic entry. Yea, a lot of shit is happening. But there are also some pretty cool things. I am definitely not being patient with myself. I keep wanting big changes to occur on a click. 4 hours later… [8:12 PM] It is really crazy how fast we can alternate from being to hell to heaven (and vice-versa). Right now, I feel REALLY good and filled with new ideas of what I can do to really improve my life. The pieces are fitting together very nicely! I am very grateful for being on the self-actualization path! (@Leo Gura , you rock man! Everyone who is reading this is already in the journey also. A very low-consciousness person would not take the time to read this...) So, even though there is a lot of inner-turmoil, I am finally getting some goddamn stability! I also owe big-time to ayahuasca. I drank about 70 ml yesterday, and even though I didn’t trip balls, some brilliant insights came to me. I also remembered many insights I have had in the past. It came to me a very radical affirmation: (Meaning, I literally do not have to do anything in particular. Nothing at all. Mooji style :P) The thing is, I am a self-help junkie. That is, I am like a neurotic micromanaging boss to myself. Not only does this demands a lot of my energy; it is also counterproductive. So, my mantra for the week is: I have no interest in peak experiences. Yea, they’re cool and everything, but I want to go beyond that. Transcend my likes and dislikes. So… I want to just keep fucking doing what I am already naturally inclined to do--especially self-help-wise--and BOOM results will come whether I want them or not. It is going to fucking overflow hahaha... I am already too much time on this path to become a complete slacker, even if I try hahaha. Homeostasis keeps bringing me back to high consciousness, as strange as this may seem. There is this force that always pushes me back, when I am way too deep in shadow-land. So I don’t really need to police myself. I already have an extremely high self-discernment that DOES NOT allow me to fall on my ass too much. I don’t know, maybe it is my guardian angel. [I choose to believe in that.] I am understanding more and more why Leo criticizes science so much. When it comes to personal growth, you gotta have direct experience. Who cares about proving shit? When you are feeling amazing in your body, you are the proof! I mean, the scientific method is awesome; but what I am really interested in is seeing results first-hand. Will I come across BS along my way? Sure, but I know it will self-filter with enough time. And, to me, what produces the greatest results is small homeopathic dosage every day. You will figure things out. Like watering the plant. You just gotta do it once or twice a day, everyday. (Depends on the plant/flower, actually). New 21-day Challenge I just created my newest challenge: watering a little flower that I have for 21 days. I might screw around with how much water it needs, so if the flower dies before that time, I will get another one. Besides that, I have deliberately set the intention of radical acceptance: whatever, let me repeat, WHATEVER happens is okay. Radical acceptance, remember? Yea, some people can use that teaching as an excuse to not take action, but it works great with my personality type, which tends to be neurotically-driven. By accepting the present moment as it is (bodily sensations, feelings, thoughts etc) --instead of trying to correct them--things start changing right before my eyes. So it is a counterintuitive approach: by accepting, I create change. Paradoxical, isn’t it? My Vision For This Journal Anyway… everything is fitting together! Yay!! I seriously hope I can write in here for at least 5 years to track my progress. Gotta find the perfect balance between oversharing vs self-censoring. On the one hand, I can easily start purging all my dirty little secrets in here. I can do that sometimes but I have already failed in my last journal for putting too much information. On the other hand, I can self-censor way too much to a point where I am too much mechanical. I want none of these. Instead, my idea for this journal is to share my journey as transparently as I can, while still protecting my basic privacy. I really hate my first entrys, and I wish there was an option for people to see my earlier posts, instead of the old ones. ( @Nahm, @cetus56, or any moderator, is this possible?) Thank you all!

Yesterday was one of the best days of the year so far. Everything went smoothly. I was able to keep up with the flow of the day, without much effort. Other thoughts: On Cringing About Myself Many times when I think about my past, I go, “Holy shit, why did I do that?” In a blog post, Leo said that this is actually a sign that you are growing, but it’s kinda uncomfortable to realize that this will happen more… For example, two years ago, I was under such neurotic patterns that even though I didn’t have to do shit, I was stressing myself out so that I could cover up my feeling of guilt for not being a “productive” member of society. Whenever I was relaxing (like watching TV), I’d beat myself up internally and not let myself go… Not only was I engaging in one unhealthy behavior, but two. The second one being the part that I autoflagelate. I particularly dislike the first pages of this journal... there are degrees of cringiness... in this case, it's probably a 6 out 10. Just Do Your Thing... I was thinking about Neil Degrasse Tyson today. He is very influential and everything, speaks very well… In a way, he has been training for the show Cosmos for his entire life. The show itself is the result of all that he has lived. Similarly, I have this intuition that I will do something big down the line. Something related to self-acceptance, and inspiring that feeling to others. And now it is the time for me to take care of myself completely to the point of getting so accustomed to loving, myself regardless of what I do or don’t do, that I naturally will inspire that in others and can do a lot of awesome projects, which require that I self-accept. Self-acceptance More Powerful Than Will Instead of trying to lose weight, why not first work on accepting the one who causes you to overeat? Instead of trying to quit an addiction brute forcing it, why not talk to the one who causes you to be addicted?= Those are just some examples. Yes, sometimes all we need is a little push; but I feel like the deepest growth comes from simply loving whatever is entering your field. Nothing has to be changed. In fact, any attempt from your part to put your finger in the experience itself will only mess things up. You will cut the process. And, in a way, cutting the process can be part of the process. The little technique I like this use is: “Can I let go of that desire easily? If yes, drop it. If no, let it be.” Work Today I went back to being insecure about how I am teaching. I feel like I am not organized enough, even though the best classes are the one that I completely let go and just talk to the person authentically. All of my previous attempts to plan the classes have failed. Maybe it is because I don’t check with the other party. I always want to decide by myself, so I fail at cocreating. But, again, I shouldn’t be so harsh on myself. Things are falling into place. Sometimes I still don’t like to give the classes, but at the same time they give me a lot of energy when I do them. I always figure out something. My style is more intuitive. I can ask for my subconscious mind to guide me and making clear what the person needs from me. One thing that has becoming more and more clear is that social interactions do not have to make much logical sense. The most important thing is the energy behind the words. Yet, I have also been practicing checking if the person really understood me. Clear communication is a skill I want to develop this year, and giving language classes help me a lot with that. Theater I don’t think I will do plays in the foreseeable future. The characters I played are still developing in me, but I know how powerful it would be if I actually had a presentation. That would really solidify the knowledge. Just Another Data-Point I have been working on putting things into perspective as well. Each experience is just another experience. Each person is just another person. Each opinion is just a figment of someone else's imagination... All of that is nothing but data-points. My lower chakras are opening up, so I am connecting more to my roots (which is my intention for the year). When I am down there (below my navel), I can feel how greater I am than my current experience. Seriously, I have gone through so much shit and managed to turn out pretty decently. So whenever I am feeling insecure, I repeat to myself: "That's just a data-point." Even the planet we're on is a data point. How crazy is that...

I felt like contributing a bit to this topic. Found this "accidentally" (Nothing is an accident, right, Shifu? :P). Great reminder to keep an eye on self-torture and how it has nothing to do with true spirituality. From Unconsciousness to Consciousness Chapter 9: JUST TO BE BORN IS NOT ENOUGH TO BE ALIVE So he thought, "It is better to keep silent about it, not to say anything; it will look bad." And he thought that rather than spoiling all the food - because all these people were dipping their bread in it and eating - he thought, "It is better to finish it in one gulp and then take the food; that is easier." So he took one gulp, with closed eyes, with closed breath - just somehow to finish it, because nothing could be left. And do you know what Gandhi did? Gandhi called the cook and said, "Look how much he liked it! Bring another cup; he loved it!" So the cup was filled again. To live the lief of the poor, Gandhi would not allow anybody to use a mosquito net; that is luxury. And the place where he used to live, Wardha, is a very hot place, exactly in the middle of India, exactly in the center - one of the hottest places. And so many mosquitoes all around, that even in the daytime you had to use a mosquito net and sit inside it if you wanted to do any work: reading, writing, or anything. Even n the day, hundreds of mosquitoes are all over your body; how can you sleep in the night? But the idea of poverty: how can you use a mosquito net? That is a great luxury. So Gandhi had discovered - and he was a great discoverer of things, such things - he discovered that if you put kerosene oil on your face, your hands, then mosquitoes cannot come close to you because of the smell. Certainly they don't come, they are not so foolish as you are; but because of the smell you cannot sleep! I simply refused to stay there. I told Ramdas, "This is not the place for me. What kind of nonsense is going on here? And you are torturing these thirty-five people in the name of asceticism. You are glorifying all this." Gandhi was doing this his whole life. He was absolutely a masochist, who enjoyed torturing himself - and also a sadist. It is a rare combination, very unique. There are people who are masochists, there are people who are sadists, but to be a sadomasochist is a very unique phenomenon. There are very few people - but there are some - who enjoy both: torturing themselves and torturing others. In the same of religion it is very easy because you can give a motivation to people - that if you torture yourself, you will gain much in the other life. That motivation, that greed, they don't call it motivation or greed, and they don't call it torture what I am calling torture - they call it tapascharya, sadhana, spiritual discipline. But just giving a good name to a un ugly thing does not change its nature. It is not a spiritual discipline, it is simple torture. But under the name of spiritual discipline you can torture yourself. Down the ages, in how many ways have religious people tortured themselves? If you come to know the whole story you will be simply amazed. There have been Christian ascetics whose practice consisted - still consists, they are still in existence - in beating themselves, early in the morning, naked. And the person who managed to beat himself the most was thought to be the greatest saint. The blood would be oozing out of the body, and they would go on flagellating. And the crowd would gather around their monastery to see this scene. And that crowd would support them, appreciate them, clap them, and help them to beat themselves more. And of course when a big crowed is appreciating you, you can go to any limit.

How important it was to your self-development journey the fact that you lived most of your first infancy in a place like Russia and experience -- I suppose -- a culture shock when you went to the US? How did that experience grow you? Those are other questions are less important: Do you have a fetiche for touristy places? Las Vegas, Hawaii… Why is your name in red? I mean, I am not against that, but if you take into account the reasons why you took out the liking system, then I see no reason why your name is specifically in red, after all, isn't that a way to differentiate you, which can be food for the ego? [But I myself am in favor of the returnal of the upvotes. People do whatever they want. Milton Friedman sorta thing. And it should also be added new features Hahahaha… Dunno, maybe we -- as a collective -- are not ready to get those treats, and we will fucking misuse them...] How do you shave your head? (it’s pretty good) Are you taking our candy away forever? (the upvotes)

On Being Hard on Myself This is a big one for me. Always beating myself up for not being perfect. Always wanting to be so goddamn perfect that I end up not doing shit. Perfect... ._. I don't know if I mentioned this in here, but this basic trend of my life -- being hard on me -- has followed me even in my work. I was putting so much pressure on me, as if I was supposed to magically make people speak a foreign language. That's no easy task. To put simply I was getting paranoid about making sure I did miniquizes, that I corrected every single mistake, etc etc But that did not work. I have realized how cool I actually am. Like... the more effort I try to be nice, the less authentic I become. Not to mention that my battery gets low very quickly after making the effort of being charismatic (whatever that means). Putting a smile on my face and pretending that I am paying attention to a boring-ass conversation are definitely not my life purpose. More On Life Purpose My life purpose revolves around complete self-acceptance and inspiring others to do the same. For example, I got a 12-year-old cousin who is kinda shy. And it gives me so much joy to share my journey with him because it feels like I am talking to my old-self. And it is interesting to see how some psychological mechanisms work on different people. He was saying, for example, that he has a hard time keeping a subject, maintaining a conversation etc, and I told him: Dude... there's nothing more boring that keeping a subject! You can do or say whatever you want to me. I feel like because I went through so many self-created hells, I am extremely tolerant with other people's behaviors. I don't get offended easily, nor do I recriminate behaviors. Had I been a "perfect" person with a "perfect" childhood and teenage(hood?), I wouldn't have this deeper understanding of human psychology to a point that I don't really judge people... Old Patterns & New Alternative Well, apart from that, I have been noticing in myself some old patterns kicking in, especially regarding shyness. Hehe... So, what I have noticed is that some blockages kicks in when I am in specific situations. For instance, when I go to a "party". I don't know why, but there is something about this word that blocks me. I used to tackle each fear head-on, but I think there is a better alternative. Conciously put off some thing that are simply not happening (for example, dating), and wait until I am ready to face it without having to brute-force myself so much. I have noticed that when I take the edge off, things start to magically solve by themselves. Running - Feeling Great, but Fearful... I have also been running, and it feels REALLY good. My basic intention is, "accelerate my heart beat". I don't focus on correct technique of running... nothing on that matter, because self-fulling prophecies can happen. "Oh... my knee might hurt if I don't have proper technique" >> BOOM! Knees start hurting. Nah... instead, if I just focus on other things (like visualizing great things in my life), I have this intution that the way I run will naturally become correct effortlessly. I did feel some ache in my knee though. Nothing alarming, but I do get scared about it. I think that happens because I have this bad habit of extending my knee too much. But what I have learned in Tai Chi is that the knee should be always lightly bent, and not rigidly straight. All in All... Dunno... but anyway, life feels good lately... Ego backlashes? Sure. Just a week ago, my room looked like a room of a junkie; my greatest desire was to sleep for eternity; and I felt extremely insecure around anybody. But... you know what? The past two days are in the polar opposite. I feel naturally talkative and self-confident; hopeful about my future; and more attune than ever to my Mission here on planet Earth. But... some days can pass, and I can find myself in yet another quagmire. Up and down... Peak and valley... Sweet and sour... Hot and cold... Blah blah blah... >>> C0NTR4ST <<<<

Today I realized how crazy life actually is. Like it doesn't make any sense at all. Logic is a human invention. And the thing is, what is most important is the energy, not the thing itself. Yea, sure the content kinda matters, but it comes naturally when you are focusing on the energy. For example, I can be writing a text 100% intuitively. There is a greater force that makes the thing I am writing make sense. And what I have found is that progress is inevitable with enough practice, whatever it is you are doing. It is just a matter of doing it the best that you can with a clear intention. Follow that intention throughout the activity, and you will be fine. This is how you gain back control over your life. Today, I am going to a concert that is VERY special to me. She is called Marie Gabriella, and she's an example of someone who is alligned to Life Purpose. You can sense how different she is because she has found what she came here to do. I used to judge myself really harshly. Still do, but now it seems like my true passions are becoming so strong that they are outnumbering my misdeads, if you will. When you have something you love deep enough, you will see how your imperfections will be put in their places: fertilizers. Just like a river doesn't care for the rocks in its way, so can I learn to navigate through life, like Water does. This is it for now. Here is a song by Marie: Gratidão (Gratitude)

“I Am Not I” BY JUAN RAMÓN JIMÉNEZ TRANSLATED BY ROBERT BLY I am not I. I am this one walking beside me whom I do not see, whom at times I manage to visit, and whom at other times I forget; who remains calm and silent while I talk, and forgives, gently, when I hate, who walks where I am not, who will remain standing when I die.

I don’t have much to say today. So why bother writing? Yea, I don’t know… Maybe because it feels pretty good even though I still block myself a lot when I am writing. If I only understood that all it takes is momentum. Warming up and then, BOOM. God starts writing for you. Non-doership experiences are very interesting because it truly feels like you are in movie theater. I wish I felt like that more often, because it takes off a huge pressure on my shoulders. In the Salms 91, there’s this part, Random Thoughts > One thing that came to me today is how quickly we can change. I feel like I have spent way too many years trying to self-improve. Always trying to be more healthy, more spiritual, etc. But did that work? No… quite the opposite, actually. And I have found that when I am in a playful state of mind, I naturally improve. Effortlessly… > I went jogging today, and it was extremely boring. Halfway into it, I couldn’t wait to get home. > I thought of doing so many social things that I ended up doing none. Shame on Me >< > I am still experimenting with: not forcing things vs forcing to build momentum. Sometimes my mind and body just needs a little help to build momentum, but paradoxically that can backfire. > I can clearly see how all attempts to perfect myself in any area of my life actually backfires. For example, I used to focus so much on running with the most correct technique that I ended up having a terrible technique. Sometimes I feel I am too fragile, and that I need more firmness. That’s all it takes; it feels at times. > I have realized that to become good at acting first and foremost, you have to believe it yourself. If your inner child, let’s say, is not buying into your acting; neither will other people. > I have discovered this awesome trick to become more aware of each instrument in a song. It’s simple: You use your mouth. Like a baby. It’s pretty cool. After enough practice (NO EXPECTATIONS on results, please!), it feels like something clicks and you start hearing individual instruments. I suppose that must be pretty obvious to musicians, but to me has been mind-blowing. > I am finishing reading Iyanla Vanzant’s book, “One Day I Just Opened Up.” It is so powerful! I love her honesty! Today the topic was, “Joy.” And how it is an internal thing and does not depend on external circumstances or people. I love the structure of the book! It really is a self-help book since it feels like I underwent a very powerful and intensive workshop/retreat. I became my own psychotherapist. > I was feeling nervous for a class I was going to give. And then, I realized, “I will figure it out.” I am always equipped with my intellect in the present moment. And the brain has a terrible rate of predicting what is truly gonna happen. So… the only thing I need to take care of is what is happening right now. Then, when different shit pops in my field, I will be truly present; and there is no better tool than to be totally in the moment. > I’m gonna buy the book, “Taming Your Gremlin.” This title really resonated with me, and although it is a old book; I think I can benefit from it. Will probably do it with a friend.

I Suck When I Try to Concentrate So, I don't know why I wrote each initial letter capitalized, but anyway I have been feeling this a lot. For example, when I try to sing well, I sing terribly because it sounds fake. When I let myself go, it sounds pretty good. But the thing is, I am not allowed to focus on the thing I am doing. Yea, I know it's counter-intuitive. Because, you know what? All the attempts I have done in my life to self-improve have actually backfired sooner or later. My only alternative then is to work with what I have. And try to transmute the yucky aspects of my self into something of greater value. Some examples that I suck when I become self-conscious: social skills, sports, meditation, etc. Anything that makes me too aware is bad. For example, when I used to practice following the breath, I would focus so goddamn much on my breath that it actually became highly rigid and incorrect. I find it very hard to become aware of something without manipulating it. Hmmm... I think I am describing the Do Nothing technique HAhahaha Being Too Hard On Myself -- Especially In Work I have also realized today how much I am hard on myself. For example, I have been over-stressing because my English and Port students don't seem to make a lot of progress. I keep thinking, "There must be something wrong with me!" I put such a high expectation, which I will NEVER achieve. And what I have realized is that the path for a great class is through transcending language itself. Sure, I have to make sure people understand what the hell we are talking about, but I have this feeling that even when they don't understand what I am saying, even if they are not paying attention at all; their subconscious mind is active. Maybe I should trust that the important information will come up. And really people just want to have a good time. I am not the one doing the teaching. If they really like me, they will naturally WANT to learn English. And, IDK, godly forces will help'em Still Struggling with Values, Priorities, Purpose I get the importance of all of these, but I have to admit that I still haven't fully incorporated and programmed into my subconscious mind my true priorities. I kinda have an idea, but it is not rock solid. I am sorta all of over the place. I feel like tripping on a psychedelic so that I could focus on imprinting my priorities into the subconscious. Theater When I did a play, it was so fantastic. I realized how important it is to engage yourself in the story itself. You have to make yourself believe in it. First and foremost, it's up to you. And then, I was watching some footage of me rehearsing, and man! Everything I have been working on so hard -- such as my posture, my voice, my clarity -- were all automatically incorporated to my acting. And the thing is, I couldn't care less about those things. However, just like a child, when you truly don't have an agenda, God's starts to manifest itself automatically. Being Lazy Sometimes I feel like testing my body and mind to see how much cheap entertainment they can take, before a crash. For example, I have eaten a lot of sugar today, and the crazy thing is, I don't feel bad at all. Yea, I know everybody talks down on sugar, but when I experiment first-hand I just don't see so many downsides... I feel like the way we feel is 20% inevitable and 80% we co-create. Well, in a deeper perspective, 100% is inevitableXD But anyway, if I'd had a day exactly like today one year ago, I'd have freaked out and rushed into action. But, dude, lemme tell ya: today was so freaking cool. I know that I inevitably have to change my routine to spicy my life up, but it sure feels good to do nothing and feel 0% guilty about it. "But what about living your purpose?" Well, I feel like this is yet another part of my purpose. I haven't figured all the details out, but to put simply, my mission here on Earth is to show people how relaxation and playfulness can auto-correct almost any bad trait, behavior, habit etc. So, if someone came to me and said: I can simply reply: As counter intuitive as this may sound, I have found the desire for change boils naturally. It feels like I am the one doing it, but if I am really honest, it comes from something deeper than myself. Plus, not doing shit can be reframed as: "You are in the process of removing inauthentic motivation to positive motivation." So first I have to sweep all the neurotic drives I have, which may cause me to do very little shit, but then I will get in touch my the things I truly care about. It's the same old thing, "we have to destroy to build." Final Random Thoughts > My purpose has to do with the throat chakra. Not necessarily becoming a voice coach, but certainly opening the voice up effortlessly. > If I only I was easier on myself, things would flow better. > I am kinda worried about getting sick of PD, spirituality and all that stuff; since I read so goddamn much about it. Well, at least this is all gonna be in my subconscious. > I sometimes worry that I am wasting my youth, that I should be going out more, just pure exposure... And going places, knowing that "showing up is enough." I do enjoy life indoors though... > I am writing too much here. > I feel like I always write about the same shit in different ways. > I binged on Leo today hahaha. Saw the meditation post, watched like 2 or 3 vids, and was reading his old forum posts haha. I hope I don't get aversed to Leo. I know I am putting more than I can chew, but another way to see it is: I am just immersing myself and what resonates will stay. Bottom Line: When I try to be good at something, I suck. When I don't give a shit, I succeed.

As Leo always puts it, "What's your alternative?"

I stopped taking antidepressant medication after a similar intuitive hit as you had. I was so freaked out that something bad would happen that I committed myself to go through a very strict routine. I felt like I was in a boot camp during that time. My biggest reason for stopping was because I wanted to try psychedelics. And, man, was it worth it! I stopped taking the med in October 2016 and I had my first trip on Feb 2017. It was so life-transforming, much more powerful than any med, or psychotherapy conversation... I feel like insanity waves come when I overwhelm myself with shit, more that I can handle. But if I am living a pretty laid-back lifestyle, I really don't fear getting mad. I also took anti-psychotic, but for a very short period of time. I think the best advice in your case is, if you choose to stop with the medication, keep your calm in the upcoming days, weeks, and even months. Your mind will come up with many questionable rationalizations, and it might tell you, "Oh! You are feeling like that because you have stopped taking the medication." But in my case, I am pretty sure that I myself was responsible for so-called withdrawal effects. I created my own neurosis because I had stopped that thing. Today's psychiatry will be laughed at in the future. It's so underdeveloped... It is still very young...

The Cyclical Nature of Life I keep forgetting about this. The moments where I truly felt integrated were the ones that I had this deep existential relief from accepting life as it is. But I don’t know, it feels like the rules are always changing, but at the same time I understand that everything is repeating itself in different way, with different remixes. To me, high school felt like repetition of middle school. Similarly, from 7-21, at least, I have felt that it is like a different version of my first 7 years. I feel like 7 years are like a lifetime. Getting in Touch With Anger I have noticed that what I call depression is actually rage in disguise. It’s like I feel like there’s this part of me that desesperately wants to scream at the world, not realizing that it is actually screaming to itself. Yea, so all anger boils down to self-hatred. I really don’t know where I was taking this text to… But anyway, I have been trying to speak rationally with my anger, because it is a fucking wild horse. HAha. Yea, I know… it is like a 5-year-old in pain. And I know that I shouldn’t try to get rid of anger, but to transform it into something more wholesome. Maybe I feel angry because I still don’t feel totally aligned to my true passions and talents. Again: Why Purpose is Essential If, however, I am able to align myself at least internally in terms of my values, priorities, and my purpose in the next 6-12 months; that would go a long way! As Leo put it in his LPC ad, you can start feeling good right now about your purpose. Purpose is so freaking important because it sets the direction we want; not the direction randomness gives us. It feels really empowering. To hold this vision that is so STRONG that the apocalypse could be happening, and you are still anchored. When I am disconnected from my true call, I feel depressed, maladjusted, weird in my body. When I am on my purpose, everything makes sense and my VISION breaks through all the bullshit of the present moment -- that is, stupid people, stupid thoughts, and stupid emotions. Etymology of Stupidity The root word stupid, which can serve as an adjective or noun, comes from the Latin verb stupere, for being numb or astonished, and is related to stupor. Stupor (from Latin stupere, "be stunned or amazed") is the lack of critical mental function and a level of consciousness wherein a sufferer is almost entirely unresponsive and only responds to base stimuli such as pain. As leo said in the no bullshit guide to meditation, we act in a much more stimuli-response way that we typically like to think we do. Party I went to this party which turned out to be pretty nice. It totally became clear how important it is to let myself go. Haha… > Your social skills are co-related to your capacity to let yourself go. > It was a very new-agy party, which was great for me. There were some amazing people there, and I almost fell into the trap of comparing myself to them. Before I went there, I told myself, “Well, I am sure I will learn something there… at least ONE thing…” And when I got there, I realized how everything is actually ONE. Nah, just kidding So, there was this instrument of percussion I wasn’t able to pull off a good sound. Then, a really chill guy at the party told me: “Your hands should be soft.” And then he showed me the movement of his hand, and I said, “Oh, so I have to develop my munheca.” Munheca means wrist in Portuguese. Not Giving a Fuck So I go this insight that to play well any instrument you have to build momentum, because when the body is REALLY relaxed; it feels like it is not you who is playing. There must be no tension. And tension is something interesting because you cannot get rid of tension by making more tension. Instead, what works is not giving a fuck. Children don’t give a fuck. Animals don’t give a fuck. And they all have perfect posture. So I have found that you cannot think too much. If you do it, you will fail. At the same time, I want to make sure I avoid the most common traps and errors in posture and so on. But, you see, I try SO HARD to be pain-free that this goes full-circle and I end up getting into a state of deep pain. Fuck me, right? HAhaha… I try to be so healthy that I become unhealthy. I try to clean up my addictions so much that I become a worse addict. I try to be so pure that I end up becoming dirty. And so on Allowing yourself to do shit, make mistakes, be imperfect >> The Key to Tracking Your Progress Well Tying back to the cyclical nature of life, I have just realized how important it is to allow yourself to be raw. That is, allow yourself to act in your most natural self. I often try to perfect myself and perfect the things I do, but this is not good. It is just like an overweight person that avoids stepping into the scale. So the person thinks, “So, I am going to spend 2-days without eating and run a lot; THEN, I will see how much I am weighting” Why would do that? It makes no sense. If the person is going to start a diet, it is actually a good thing to measure the situation in its worse conditions, so that you can track your progress. Ta-da! Hahaha. That’s why I am giving up on trying to be perfect in the present moment. Instead, I act how I most naturally feel like and trust that the cyclical nature of life will push me back up eventually. It’s a cycle… It’s a cycle… It’s a cycle… I don't wear sunscreen.

Old but gold

The student came to the Zen master and asked: - I am going to do this meditation thing. How long will it take to get me enlightened? - 10 years - the master replied. - But what if I practice really hard? - the student insisted. - In this case, it will take you 20 years.

I have watched some episodes of Chef's Table, on Netflix. and it is great to study examples of people who are aligned to their life purpose, in the case of the show: being a chef.

On Not Forcing I think a lot of us in the self-help community has a terrible habit of always doing things through brute force will power. While this can work for a while, it is a very poor type of motivation. It is that same old thing: We got to enjoy the path more than the result itself. To me, this is yet a definition of play. To not force means you are receptable to playing. If we are always dead serious and we only use neurotic motivations to make ourselves do something, well, this is sure gonna backfire sooner or later! Not forcing means that you do not force yourself to say something in a social setting. Oftentimes I give in to my anxiety and I start speaking way too much, but if I only had the patience to wait for things to happen... that would have been much more organic. And, nowadays, being organic is super-important. People have become too smart to fall into some traps. We do not like plastic-like leaders; we like authentic ones. I am following the premise of using the minimum amount of effort to do anything. My goal is not to become special, but to be a vehicle of the Divine. And I have found through Reiki, yoga, and Tai Chi that the more of a bamboo you are; the lighter you will feel, the more magnetic you will become, and the more effortlessly fun life will feel like! Not to mention you will make TONS of progress. Children learn quickly because they are very flexible. Their minds can bend very easily. Why? Because they live in a state of non-resistance. Examples of things people force themselves to do: - Fake smiling - Trying to be positive - Exercising, despite not wanting - Meditation - Studying - Working - Socializing (big one for us introverts) - Being nice - Catch up with other people's rhythm - Cold showers (for self-help junkies) - Not faping - Waking up early I am not saying will power is not important; but you will not go very far just with it. I have found that having high quality friendships (preferably both should be self-actualizing), I feel it is much smoother to do "boring" and "unpleasant" things. And from these examples above, I think we can see how poor quality results we get. For example, I used to force myself to meditate daily for hours. I summoned massive will-power everyday. This practice didn't turn out well. My sitting were terrible since I didn't want to be there. And now I cannot think about meditation without frowning my eyebrows haha. So I feel like it is a good practice, if you have the opportunity to do so, to set aside one month to do absolutely nothing, and see what happens. This is for you to get in touch with your authentic motivations, that is, the things you genuinely like to do. Chances are, a lot of "bad" habits will reappear. Remember, this is a counter-intuitive move we are making. This backlash that you will likely experience, if you decide to try this challenge, is similarly to a destruction. You are destroying all your neurotic motivations. You might gain weight, judge yourself as being a "lazy-ass" person, might get depressed... But... if you stay with this strategy, I have found that after some months and with a lot of compassion, tolerance, and acceptance towards yourself; things that make you feel "high-consciousness" start to appear. You might want to join your local yoga studio, or work with programming (which you haven't done in years), or might talk with a friend who you haven't talked in ages! Remember: Love is brighter in the dark. So, to wrap up, you can also baby step your way through more authentic motivations. Leo mentioned this in the A Rant Against Morality video. For example, if you think you should put the toilet seat back up, you consciously don't do it. So small things. God, I love that video! It's been a while since I haven't watched it! Gonna check it out later! So... that's my main thought of the week haha Not forcing... I obviously still force myself to do shit, but I am getting better =)

2-21-2018 I think I have really changed since i started this journal. Back in the beginning, I was heavily focusing on "God". But now it seems to me that it's all a matter of relaxing into the present moment, which is perfect the way it is. You don't have to force yourself to "be present". You are already present, whether you want it or not. Well, anyway, I decided not to go to the Vipassana. My main justification was: I got too much accumulated tension in my body, which would make 10 hours of sitting self-torture. I am building momentum in my life, also, with work and everything. There would be no problem in having this stop, but I feel I am into something with my work, about to reach a breakthrough. And the final reason is that I think I have worked so goddamn hard on meditation, yoga, and all that shit that I got aversed to it. And it'll probably take me years to detraumatize myself. I actually feel extremely unpresent when I am meditating. One thing that came to me today was the importance of just relaxing into myself. That is, not trying to become something different than who I already am. I don't know how to be more clear with that. Instead of going your way to become a perfect version of you (which will only make you miserable), I much rather enter a state of complete acceptance. If someone wants to join me, great! If not, that's ok. But I don't "need" someone. And I love this feeling of self-ownership. Good-bye, victimhood I have noticed how much I sometimes argue with my own tension. It's kinda weird to explain what happens. But basically when I am talking, sometimes a resistance pops. And then, I feel like I talk with the resistance. IDK how to explain, sorry. I'm probably gonna see my little brother this weekend, which must be pretty fun! There is also this birthday party, which I feel this intuitive urge to show up and see what happens. I feel like I am opening myself from the inside out in a way that's much deeper that I have ever experienced, so it'll be nice to join a social event and see how it feels. >> The Path of Least Resistance << [ Bodily resistance ] Edit: I came to the journal to write about the following, but can you believe that I forgot? It's just like when I am going to send a text message to specific friend and then suddenly I found myself having lost 5 hours on 9gag Anyway, I have noticed in myself (especially in some psychdelic trips) that the way to have a better posture is not through forcing myself to have one, but it is more like moving your body in sorta monkey way. For example, the way Leo was holding himself in the enlightenment vid. Notice, he was constantly changing his posture, and it was very organic. Not stiff. Not trying to be perfect. So, I want to allow myself to have more "sloppy" positions, and not freak out that "I will lose my energy if I do that". Bullshit! So... monkey-like posture it is!

The Vipassana will be in 3 days! I am kinda worried of my body going crazy there. I am also not sure if I will stick with their technique. I know should, and I will certainly give it a good try, but I have no problem in doing nothing, just seeing time pass by. I feel it is going to be a crazy experience, and I am not sure when will I be able to quiet my mind. A lot of questions are popping in my head. What if my back starts hurting too much? What if… Well, I think I will be fine. I have gone through a lot of shit, and this is yet another experience. One more data point. One more tool. I feel as if I am going to live in a different country with a different language. And then, totally immerse myself in that and hope something clicks… If any of you have any tips, please post here or PM me. So, today, I kinda felt a backlash, which is totally normal. Self-doubting and some pain in my body. I saw a weird movie: The Water Shape.

FEELING SO GOOD LATELY THAT IS IS CAUSING SELF-DOUBT I have been feeling very much in the flow of life these past days. And the type of pleasure I have been feeling is not the one that is temporary; it is lasting. It is the pleasure of a river that flow freely. This is something natural to being an animal, but we as a species have been forgetting more and more our true nature, which is pure. My mind is very suspicious about everything. It lacks trust, probably due to feelings of rejection and abandonment in childhood. All of these have accumulated through time, and now you got me: a guy who doesn’t feel good in his body, who is constantly worrying or criticizing himself, and highly indecisive. What I found that helps me the most is body work. But like, I am not talking about doing it to merely look good. If it feels good, it will look good. When I understood that every physical activity should feel pleasant, I realized how much out of touch I have been with my body. It’s not that I need to focus on the muscles, and be super-mindful. Nah, it is about having fun. If you are having fun, you are probably on the right track. I keep writing “you”, but I am talking here with my own subconscious mind. THE POWER OF VISION So, the past days I am feeling “high” almost all the time. You know, ecstasy showers throughout my experience and feels like I am in Heaven. And I had the insight that I have only felt this way when I was aligned with my purpose. In some way. When I had a clear feeling of, “Oh! I am into something here!” Something bigger than my petty little problems, uncomfortable feelings or sensations. Something that put all that shit on its place. Something that puts everything in perspective. You go, “Fuck the present moment! If I am feeling shitty today, I don’t fucking care. I am here for the long run! I am building an inner castle, and it all starts with building a foundation!” Sure it’s going to be emotionally challenging, but if that VISION is crystal-clear in my mind, and I do have to reaffirm it every single day, without exception. Otherwise, I will get extremely sloppy and will set the expectations for my life to very, very low standards. And low standards create suffering. AWESOME BOOK I am still digesting the book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck,” by Mark Manson. The really juicy insights are in the first half of the book. Seriously, you can throw the second half away, and the book would be even better, because it’d have been more concise. Haha, I am not being concise here. Shame on me! One thing I really like what he wrote on that book is about the fact that we’re always suffering, whether we want it or not. So he suggests us pick what you want to suffer for. What are you willing to suffer? And I don’t think he meant in a self-torturing way haha. Nah, in a way, that actually you know that it is going to double the pleasure to you. LP IS THE MOST FOUNDATIONAL ELEMENT OF SD I have just realized that: if you do not have priorities, you will suffer unnecessarily. You will put on your attention to all sorts of stupid shit, so there will be no focus. And without focus, progress is very slow. Sometimes I watch self-development videos with an attitude of, “Oh, shit! Do I do what he’s criticizing?” That is, I always defend myself too much. And that is a lack of priorities. It is so simple: we have so much energy. It is more than enough, by the way. So we got to focus that energy on frying the big fish. Isn’t that obvious? But I think most of us do not take the time to ponder and really write down and reevaluate what are the priorities in your life, right now. I also love that LP is so alive! It’s always changing. And this makes it so much fun! It is always a work-in-progress. We design our lives. Is there anything more fun that?

Life Purpose is More Important Than Enlightenment I used to pursue enlightenment when I still didn’t have a clue what to do with my life. I still don’t, but I feel like I am way closer to what I authentically desire. Life purpose will make you very productive, happy, and fulfilled. I love people who are feeling good in their bodies and mind, and I find that to be common among people who believe they are positively contributing to the world. Anyway, enlightenment work is very advanced shit. Yea, you can do it whenever you want, but I feel like there are better moments in life. Gotta use the intuition to know if the time is right. Speaking of intuition, I am considering not going to the Vipassana. I don’t feel the need to prove myself, and I really don’t know if stillness of the body is what I need at the moment. Actually, I think I need the contrary. Use my body a lot and then release all my energy, channeling into something I believe. I went to a concert some weeks ago, and the guy is totally on his purpose. It really inspired me. I went: “Holy shit! Now that’s something I want to do in my life! Something like THIS!” Oh… another thing that clicked on me is regarding comparison. I should only compare myself to my older-selves, because I am in a neverending process of evolution, whether I am aware of it or not. I am very surprised by how I am feeling these past days. It felt like I am alive for the first time in a long time. I know this feeling will pass. After the ecstasy, the laundry, right? But it is very satifying to experience those breakthroughs. Sure, most of the path is very dry, but when you hit the knee of the curve, it feels fucking amazing! I want pass the ecstasy and go directly to real inner peace, and the only way to develop true peace is through... equanimity. Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind.

Life Purpose & Stopping to Get Rid of Pain So I got this huge intutive hit yesterday about turning my whole Life Purpose to something related to Theater. I got really excited, and I know that this excitement will pass. As George Leonard says, true growth occurs with short spurs of progress and long periods that you feel you’re going nowhere. I freaking love the feeling that I have had for the past two days, but I know how much I can suffer if I get attached to them. But, hell, I am happy that something changed. I had been focusing on Tai Chi Chuan very heavily this past month to develop the effortless power. And now my new fetiche is for theater ahah. I am scared that I might get overly-excited and screw things up. Cause when I do something too much, I get aversed to it even though I love it. Happened to me with meditation, with yoga, with singing, with weighlifting. I love those things. They take me out of my “boring” world, especially yoga. So, for this reason, I sometimes I overdo those things as a way to escape my reality. But deep down I feel like if I am meant to be to exaggerate with theater, so be it. And then, a different thing will appear. Nothing wrong with that. Just wanna make sure that I don’t get too euphoric, cause I know that it leads to depression later on. But, anyway, the thing I want to talk about today is another insight I had about a week ago. I had heard it before, but now I fully understood it through direct experience. To put simply, do not try to get rid of pain; relax into it instead. So the thing is, avoiding pain generates more pain. You can certainly do things that will alleviate it, but you should never approach pain with the attitude of “getting rid” of it. If it is there, it’s to teach you something. And this fight against pain will never end because pain is part of life. Thich Nhat Hahn talks a lot about that. He says that western medicine, for example, is very surgery-oriented. Any problem is an excuse to make a surgery. Always trying to fix. The same thing has happened in psychotherapy. The therapist tries to remove the problems of the person. But that doesn’t work. Instead, he says, we should learn the art of transformation. Lotus flower, anyone? A year ago I was taking a very hardcore, masculine, and neurotic approach to pain. I would challenge it. I’d feel an ache in my chest (like I usually do), I’d tell it, “Go ahead, Pain! Show me what you got!” A lot of people here on the Actualized.org community does that in Strong Determination Sittings. But that doesn’t work. We should treat our bodies with a lot of patient and softness. Otherwise it will not respond well, but rebel against you sooner or later. Being aligned with my purpose makes pain management go way down my priority list. When nothing is going on in my life, any emotional or physical pain is very alarming. But when I am having a blast and I can hold a firm and detailed VISION of what my future will look like 10 years down the line, the pain of today doesn’t even come to mind. At the same time, I know that sometimes my body forces me to rest the fuck down due to overtraining. But I want to find my true passion, the thing that I don’t even care if I overpractice. I might fall on my ass, but when I am ready, I will get back to it. Is that theater? IDK. But definitely something related to Art. So, anyway, been trying to get my values straight this year. This will help me guide my self. Ourselves… Our cells… We are our cells. We are ourselves. And, finally, I feel like true healing starts happening when you stop trying to get rid of pain, but when you genuinely are interested in understanding the pain. I thought of something else to write, but I am experimenting with writing less. Yay!

Today I woke up in a very good mood. I smoked some cannabis, and I set the intention for the day of: “Why do I feel so unhappy?” And, well, the answer came. It all boils down to life purpose. If you are not aligned with your purpose, you will feel unhappy and with no energy. There would be no reason to be energetic. One of the most underrated videos of Leo IMO is the one called “How to Get More Energy.” It has like 8 minutes, and that episode is very simple but so true. If you ain’t got a higher purpose for why you are here on Earth, you will get depressed and your energy will be all over the place. Today, it also became clear how important doing theater has been to me. I watched a documentary on Netflix about the movie Man on the Moon, and it blew my mind how Jim Carrey embodied the character. And it clicked on me today: if Jim didn’t have acting or comedy, he’d likely be in a hospice. But… he channels his craziness into something that people love. So, the thing is, channeling your energy will bring peace of mind. If you don’t channel your energy (I think this is called Sublimation in psychology), you will feel odd. You will not feel fulfilled. And, in my case, the thing that gives me the most pleasure is probably acting. It was so good to do that. A very transformative experience, and now I am embodying what I have learned into my daily life. This is a freaking play. So might as well enjoy it and do it well. Anyway, I felt a lot of energy today. So much that it almost scared me. Because usually when I get a lot of energy, I usually waste it all on stupid things. But… I don’t know, today seemed different. The energy that I got from being more authentic in my work and my conversations with people made me realize that, when I am not aligned with my purpose, I am suffering. That’s the thing about the mind: it needs something to do. On the other hand, there is also the “Being” component. Yes, it feels great to be in your purpose (in my case is doing plays for children). At the same time, everything is in divine order already. So in a way, it is a matter of relaxing into the present. I have found, however, that it is much easier to absorb myself in the present moment, when I feel that I used my energy into my Purpose. When at the end of the day, I can say: “Wow… I took a step closer to the right direction…” |--------------------------------|----------------------------------| Life Purpose Being If I fall too much on the “being” side of the spectrum, I often get too lazy. And I fall into low consciousness behaviors. Always going for the bait. The quick-fix. The immediate pleasure. But, when I sense in my body that what I am doing has a higher purpose, man, everything gets reorganized and rearranged. There is no anger for taking so long to find the purpose; but only an appreciation and gratitude for finding it. Anyway, trying not to get over-excited because of this insight of my purpose. I am tired of swinging too much from euphoria to depression. Roller coasters are kinda fun, but now I am more into something more grounded. And to develop my roots, it requires TIME. And in our shitty society, ppl are too impatient with us ever since we got out of the womb. Parents worry about their children development, but, as someone put it, I have never seen a grown-up that still uses diaper. We eventually outgrow shit. Okay, that’s probably enough. I am so fucking grateful for this insight today. It put a lot of things into perspective. Holy shit… Let’s see how the upcoming days go. Vipassana retreat is in 9 fucking days!!! I hope I go to it. But I gotta admit that there is a pretty high chance that I will come up with some idiot excuse as to why I won’t go, and I might end up cancel it. We’ll see… And just to finish everything off, I have found that when I am taking whatever steps towards my LP, addictions automatically are dropped. How To Cure Addictions - By Kung Fu Panda Unfortunately the stupid person who uploaded cut the best part of this scene at the end. The Panda does not eat the dumpling. Instead, he says: "I am not hungry, Master." Keep on Keeping On