Gabriel Antonio

Exactly!

Refined intention for the new moon: Wacky me, the best me. Yea, I am imperfect... and it's a paradox that when I truly accept my imperfection and I allowed it, things seems to be closer to perfection... instead of getting paranoid and trying to be peRfect in everything... And a word that really resonated with me is "wacky". Jack Kornfield said that: "We are all a little wacky." Idk... I liked that.. My last intention was "Natural me, the best me" haha, so now there is a new one.. The wacky me.. I just hope to avoid any extreme... for example, being TOO wacky, TOO authentic... TMI kinda thing It feels like things are clicking

Micronegotiation I am thinking of setting my intention for the new moon will be to "micronegotiate" everything. Let me explain that. I very often take things for granted and I don't always communicate assertively. So I think that if I check more often how the other person is thinking, even if I exaggerate in the beginning, I will be able to talk myself out of almost any problem in life. My mind is not that flexible, so I tend to assume a lot of shit. Which in reality I DONT KNOW. By being too silent all the time, without exchanging energy, I get lost in the laziness of my mind. Micronegotiation will also help me embody the insight of co-creation. Creating alone is fun, but co-creating is 10x better. I know this theoretically, but I want to focus on co-creating more during this new phase of the moon. Even if it is with another persona inside myself. But haha I think its better to focus on real people... I don't wanna get lost in my little universe...

“At the center of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our own mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us. It is so to speak His name written in us, as our poverty, as our indigence, as our dependence, as our sonship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it we would see these billions of points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely ... I have no program for this seeing. It is only given. But the gate of heaven is every- where.” ― Thomas Merton

Wut? Personal Development Is Counterintutive Last year, I went so deep into my own psyche, and I discovered that almost everything that I had heard I should actually do the exact opposite. Sorta like the exercise for dropping should statements that Leo gives in that episode. So I get the thing I "should" do and contemplate in my mind the possibility of doing the opposite, just for open-mindedness sake's. I call this playing with counterintuitiveness. Cause self-deception is such a big thing that you should actually do the opposite of what common sense tells you. But start small. Radical Honesty I can't fool myself: I am going through a phase of laziness, where it feels like I am wasting my life, time, and energy. Though I have always had this spark inside that motivated me to take action eventually... but I am not even thinking about that... I got serious motivation problems... I know that by doing stuff, I will eventually start enjoying the thing, but being lazy sounds so much more comfortable haha... But it's something unsustainable... I can't live my life like this... And then, I try to come up with solutions... but it's counterproductive. The more I think, the more I confuse myself. Maybe this laziness is here to teach me how to let go no matter what -- even if it is through engaging in unhealthy behaviors such as binging on Netflix, food, sleep, etc. Because deep down I exaggerate how much harm they bring. Like, yea binging on stuff is not good, but worse than that is binge on thinking about how you shouldn't have done something. > The two things that separate me from two years ago are: psychedelics and cannabis & friends. These two things help me a lot. Even if they are just a "security blanket," but it gives me a sense of trust in the process... I am really not handling well with any type of stress this year. It's making me go nuts. So fortunately I can slow down as much as I want. Ideally I think I need some good old masculine compassion to put my things together, but that ain't happening in the foreseeable future... I get pissed off because I know how much of life I am missing, yet I know that If I don't change who I am internally, it won't matter where I am... Yet, I can't deny that it is kinda enjoyable to slack off... but then guilt inevitably arises... Wow... so many things I could expose here... but I think that's enough. I am pretty aversed to my work; I canceled a lot of classes this week, and I have been trying to distract myself as much as possible. Boom! That's me in a nutshell Wow 2... it feel so good to self-reflect through journaling. It feels very healingful .. I like that word healingful. Full of healing. Full of awareness. Awareness has nothing to do with tension. Pure observation. I am in a point of my journey that I feel like things are so not working that they start to work... the things I have been investing my time and energy on.. like this journal... I judge that I am going nowhere due to lack of a technique and a systematic training, but this thing here is working. Or maybe not:P

My Experience With Teaching Language to Children I had this belief that my life purpose had to do with children, but now that I had the direct experience, I am very doubtful of that. I am sure there are very effective techniques to deal with agitated children/animals, but I simply don't know. The more I try to tame them, the more agitated they become. The more I try to interact with them, the worse the conversation gets... I am not going to be the guy that puts extra effort to please others, much less children. Instead, I want to be the guy who is natural, who feels good in his skin... Now analyzing the results of the classes, it was quite disastrous, though he taught me a lot. Let's face it: I am currently not good at training dogs, nor training adults, nor training children. That’s a skill I will eventually have to develop in my life. But it’s not happening right now… the more I fight it, the worse the beast gets… it is not giving up, but a strategic break. Ego-Backlash Humbling Me I went through an ego backlash these past days, and wow… I kinda needed that… even though I exaggerated on some things, it left me with a new understanding of what is like to to trust the unfolding of your life no matter what… i’m just trying to stay calm, keep doing the things I naturally wanna do, and observe how life changes right before my eyes. It’s just a matter of time… Because you know what? I am not going to impact the world by trying to be somebody other than who I already am. It is my life experience that can help others… I know that many many people are going through the same thing than I am right now… and how can I have compassion for them, if I myself have never been to the dark realms? Sure, I don’t want to get attached to that, but it’s part of life… For example, if I were to explain to the Dalai Lama some of the problems people from the 21 st century are going through, he would not even understand, because he sorta lives in a different reality than us Conversely, if i stop trying to fix my goddamn self all the time, and simply allow whatever my instincts want to do; then I will be able to better empathize with others that are going through emotional turmoil… i wanna be that person who you can be yourself 100% and not be judged… so i am in the process of accepting myself as a whole. before I can accept all the weirdness in another being, I first have to accept my own Growth is NOT linear! I feel like watching Leo’s video how to be more patient. I feel like I should watch that many times to program that into my subconscious mind… Reminders: I am already taking action. Your problem is not lack of action, but neurosis. Wait till you hit the knee of the curve. So to sum up, teaching children showed me that my life purpose is not about children, but probably adults. And disciplining children is quite energy-draining... Probably it's weak tone of voice... maybe it's because I allowed myself to get dominated by fear as a young child... I wish I could be more assertive, more natural, more loosey-goosey... Awwwwwww.... i am putting so much energy on writing this! fuck!

More Things I Have Learned This Year… 12- What we want is not the best self, but the natural self Here’s the thing: you can try and put a mask as if you were perfect, or you can focus on being the way you organically are. When trying to become better, we often get neurotic… But then you meet someone who has flaws just like me and you, but who who is so relaxed in the moment that the person becomes untouchable. When I am trying too hard, I often get rigid. When I am rigid, I get very vulnerable. No flexibility whatsoever. So I can “break” very quickly. On the other side, there is that feeling of not doing enough sorta thing that actually is a program I got from the school system. Learning/Change is already happening… And you can’t even stand out of the way, because everything must be included, including your “worst” self. 13- Don’t take rules so seriously This has to do with confusing the map with the territory. I have read so many things about psychology, language learning, relationships, etc that I get paralysis by analysis. I am in that highly perfeccionist mode of trying to get the best results out of every little tiny detail about a situation… and also about life… But… that actually HURTS me… Fixation on being perfect creates a lot of problems because you end up using all your energy; however, we have to learn how to direct the energy on the priority. For example, I always try to give the best language class and be the “perfect” teacher, but actually this neurosis of mine blocks me from being in the moment in a laid-back sorta way. So, from now on, I hope to fully integrate the art of consciously half-assing, and break some rules… including the rule of breaking rules… haha… 14- When you are aligned to your Life Purpose, you become a superhuman This past year, I have felt truly aligned to my LP some times. It was crazy… Like… so much energy… so much vitality… so much health… it’s as if you are living in a different reality. People around you may not understand why you are doing what you are doing, but deep inside you know! And that’s what matters. Vision! 15- Most of what I learned in self-development must be thrown away Like… life is getting so paradoxical and mindfucky that the typical self-help advice simply stopped making sense to me. Go exercise! Take action! Blah blah blah… The less I think about those things, paradoxically, the better I naturally become at them… When I stopped trying to have a good relationship with my family, I started having. When I stopped trying to become confident, I became. You see, I am not trying to produce any change whatsoever in my life. Some may call this laziness, passitivity… And yea, there’s a fear inside that says, “Wait until your life gets messy! Then you will see that I was right: You are fucking up your life!” Something along those lines… It’s the inner gremlin. As I mentioned yesterday, I want to deeply reconnect to the Being state. Another name for this is Access Concentration. The moment that your mind chatter stops being important. And you become relaxed in your body. Like… “Everything’s perfect.” Sounds hippie and new-agy, I know, but this is doable! 16- Faith Is a Choice Remove any religious usages of the word “faith.” The thing is, you can either believe there are no miracles; or believe that everything is a miracle. (Think Einstein said that, but not sure). You can believe that everything you’re doing is what you should be doing; or you can believe that certain things you shouldn't be doing. So, even if I am screwing up big-time, I consciously decide to accept that this is part of Divinity’s Plan, and that I have not enough intellect to comprehend why I am doing what I am doing, only Nature can know that. I think that consciously choosing to believe that there are higher forces in command of our reality takes a huge pressure off the shoulder.. Like… I don’t have to figure out anything… I am just gonna do my thing, with as few thoughts as I can, and trust the unfolding of Divinity right before my eyes. After all, it’s a strange loop… So ... Existence loves me, no matter what I am doing or not doing. That’s a choice. Well, I think I overwrote, like always, but it’s okay haha… Hello, Verboise, my old friend... I come to talk with you again... I am getting really sleepy. Will try to go to Tai Chi practice tomorrow morning, but it’s already 12:47 AM, so I might as well sleep in. Dunno…

1 Year Of This Journal! 365 days that I started writing here, and well this is probably the habit that I have been the most consistent about, even though I write very freely here and sometimes I even write too damn much haha... much anyway, I have been trying to find something to do with constancy that will inevitably produce results. Peak experiences are overrated; instead, I want to develop that nice foundation that is guaranteed to increase my inner peace, which is what really matters. I don't really know what I am going to write here. Was thinking of doing an overview of how my life has been going, realistically. Dunno... I want to make sure for this next year that I maintain a good balance between exposing myself here vs being consistent. Because if I start oversharing details here, I might want to destroy this journal altogether. And it's really nice to have something going on for so long. So that I can look back to my life in the future. Well, I am going to try. Work & Life Purpose My work is actually very related to my life purpose (developing clear communication), but the problem is, I want to help people in something that I myself am struggling, which is to throw yourself out there... and that's the key to learning languages (I give Pt and Eng classes). I am in a big plateau right now. Like I am not seeing results. And I admit that I lack proper technique since I never did any workshop on language instruction. Probably my biggest problem is that I haven't mastered the art of standing up for myself and looking at the things I fear right in the eye. So if I myself doubt my capacity, how will others trust me? I feel I am self-sabotaging in this area big time. I asked for a friend for help to give my classes a boost, but I honestly doubt that things will change. I lack assertiveness and organization. People tend to like me, but it's no use if my classes themselves don't have a structure... And sometimes things go very bad in the class, like the student starts speaking his or her own language. It seems like there is so much to learn that I find it overwhelming... Things I Have Learned In This Year Well, I don't feel like writing about the other areas. Just want to point out one thing I feel like I have improved in the last year: 1- the need for true friendship. I tend to get bored around people very quickly. I sometimes fantasize that I lying in my bed (while I am with others). To me, friendships never made much sense. I have always thought that it was a distraction. In reality, I think I haven't had a true friend in a LOOOng time... someone who I can be authentic with. That's my definition of friendship... But anyway, this past year I have made 3 very good friendships. I will lean on them as long as I am not totally immersed in my life purpose. I know that life purpose is where almost all the juice of life is at, but maybe I should just try to be a friend to someone, learn how to like other people... as they are... What I think has happened to me is: because at a young age I thought I couldn't rely on others, I developed this armor that allows me to be alone almost all the time, but this eventually backfires... so I feel like I need to come to the grips that I actually need people... not in a neurotic way... but actually see and talk with another human who is also self-actualizing. I had a conversation with a friend today about depression, and it feels so good to know that you are not alone in your suffering. 2- The second thing is the need for discipline and structure. Simple as that... I tend to be all over the place, so my concentration skills suck. I have two options: either I seek help, or I develop my own method for being organized. Maybe I can mix those two solutions. Observe how others do their thing and create my unique style. Because if you ever tried to develop discipline, you probably know how frustrating that can be. Like... the name should be overdiscipline... 3- Natural state of Being. >> That's where creativity comes from. As soon as I quiet down my monkey-mind, ideas start pouring. It's all a matter of connecting myself back to the Being state. There is nothing mysterious about it; it's something extremely simple. I have had experiences of Being this year especially in ayahuasca ceremonies. After a while, my ego simply surrendered and I felt the inherent peacefulness of the present moment, and I realized that what I call boredom is actually a stepping stone for entering the present moment. And the Being state can happen even if the midst of activities. Conversely, you can be doing nothing and NOT be connect with Being. So.. it's a inner thing. 4- "Spiritual" Places can be the most unspiritual places In the beginning of this journal, I emphasized how much I was going to some gospel churches, meditation group, etc. Actually deep down I don't want that. I want places where people are truly themselves. No need to be spiritual or anything... In a way, I exhausted those places and I really don't feel like going there regularly like I used to. 5- People Are Incredibly Hypocrite as far as advices are concerned It strikes me how people give you an advice today, and tomorrow they are doing the exact opposite of what they advised you. It's like a fucking joke. In a way, that is liberating because it shows how fucked up people are. And this gives a sense of relief, of like "wow, I don't have to micromanage everything I say, because everybody is talking bullshit." That sorta thing. Obviously some people sound more convincing than others. 6- Theater is a great tool for healing traumas I did a little play and it was very transforming to me. Hope to get more experiences with that. 7- It's Okay To Binge I mean we all know binging is not healthy, but it happens. Food, Netflix, 9gag, sleeping... it's so much! A year ago, I was off almost all addictions , but it wasn't authentic. I was compensating my old bad habits with new habits (such as going to church), but they didn't stick. The worst thing that can happen is not binging, but to take yourself so seriously to the point of ruminating about that you are doing it. Because a year and a half ago I was on antidepressant and despite all the negative emotions and thoughts derived from binging, I still did them. And even stronger... And the thing is, your luck can turn right before your eyes. You could have had a day of depression and the other day can also be depressive or... something new can happen. And the thing about having a young body is that it restores itself very quickly 8- No Need to Speak Loudly I got hooked especially between March-June on this idea of summoning massive will-power to conquer my anxiety and be listened. First of all, most people want to talk so desperately that they will compete with your tone of your voice so that they can speak. In the type of life I want to live, I want to be heard with my normal voice. 9- Don't Focus On Self-Improvement, but on Self-Acceptance Self-acceptance can be confused with passivity. I may do that, but there is an inner-knowing that things will auto-correct with enough time. Not everything, I know, but a lot. And my reality can change right before my eyes, as long as I am in a receptive mode. I don't need to go somewhere else, things will come to me. But for that to happen I gotta be in a relaxed state of presence. To me self-improvement is too masculine. It's as if you wanna get rid of your negative aspects... While self-acceptance gives that reassuring warmth of, "Everything is exactly how it should be." Boom... whether you like it or not... whether you think you are being too passive or not... 10- Confronting Your Fears Is Not Always Good Unfortunately I got into two arguments this year... I expressed myself 100%, but it was not worth it. I learned a lot from that, but I know that it was too neurotic... and it caused so much damage... not to mention that my ego always reminds me of that to fuel my guilt... Right now, I am too much on my comfort zone, I admit... Past (A year ago) |-------------------------------------|--------------------------------x-----| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Now |-------x------------------------------|-------------------------------------| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Future (3-31-2019) |---------------------------------x----|-------------------------------------| Total Comfort Zone Total Outside Comfort Zone Both of the extremes cause suffering... when I get neurotic about leaving my comfort zone, I lose touch of the simplicity of the present moment. When I am too stuck in my comfort zone, I feel ... not alive... Well, I have explored both poles. So I hope for this next phase to think of baby-steps to try new things. 11- Whenever You Get Too Excited About Something... Stay Alert! When I get too euphoric, as much as my ego hate to admit, it's a time to actually slow down. If I were ten times more patient, I would have gotten the results I crave for. But because I am unaware of the cycles of nature, I keep hitting my face against the wall. With the same speed that I get excited, I also get demotivated and I rush the process, which only does harm. I wanted to write 20 things here, but that's probably enough.

Attempting to Simplify... I don't know about you, but I tend to be a very deep, existential, philosophical guy. This is great and everything, but there must be a limit to that. Otherwise, I get lost in pure monkey-mind... totally immersed in a labyrinth I will never escape. That's why the mind is so tricky... In Portuguese the word mind is "mente", and the verb "to lie" in the third person conjugation is ALSO "mente", so there's an expression here that says: A mente mente. Since "mente" can mean either "mind" or "to lie" (in the third person) the translation becomes: The mind lies. Hehe... I actually am not really fond of this expression, because it is overused in Brazilian spiritual circles. And speaking of spritual communities, I think this one is extra important to all of us who are self-actualizing. You gotta find people that live close to you who are also walking the path. For example, I have gone through some really deep emotional turmoil, and man... I went to my friend's house, and I just stayed there... talking... not forcing any-fucking-thing. Guess what happened? I started to feel better. After I vented, purged what was up to me in the truest way possible; I became aware of how deep things don't matter that much... Haha... Leo talked about this in the "The Theme Of Going Full-Circle." Seriously, that episode is da bomb! Hahahahaha... Too me, that's what so fascinating about advanced self-development. The thing becomes paradoxical, mindfucky, and counterintuitive. I freaking love that. Leo said that oh, shit! I don't know if this is the right episode. Anyway, Leo said that there is no distinction between the trivial and the profound. I tend to overly praise the most deep levels of life. Like, I like to go REAL intense... Hahah, that's fine, but it's a strategy crazy, emotionally unstable, and even addicts use. However, the person who truly appreciates the simplicity of life, as cliché as this may sound, does NOT need to always dive into complexity... Like... they are just being an animal, you know? And they are totally comfortable with that. They don't try, like I do, to have superhuman powers, energy, and high levels of , you know, ecstasy etc. NOooooooo! That's a hugeee trap! They are very very calm... they are already entertained with reality by itself alone. They are not "trying to figure out" anything. You hear me, Gremlin? Haha... Well, after this insight, I choose to value more the natural flow of life... common thoughts, common conversations, common little problems, common food; you know? I am fed up of trying to revolutionize... I just wanna settle... Invoke the water element into the heart chakra so that the inner fire diminishes. Dunno....!!! I am probably extending myself here, as usual... Hehe... Like, I don't wanna spend too much energy on stupid thoughts, emotions and ego stuff... Like I want to go back to the HEART area. You know? I don't know what I am talking about haha... But it's like coming back to your natural self. Remember? When you are a child? I mean... you must have a memory of how cool it was to be completely yourself... Leo calls this being. So....!!!! That's exactly my point!!! Haha, it all boils down to being. Some people call this laziness. I truly envy people who can completely let go when they are watching a movie, or a song.... and feel zero guilt. I feel like I have retained myself so much in the past that when I do express myself, it's always too intense, too accumulated... But anyway, I want to reconnect to being. Even when I am doing shit, I still have the being in me. You know... the equanimity... a place where I can take refuge in my self... Wow... I value this thousand times more than having a hectic lifestyle. But, you know, this understanding must come organically. So... I consciously understand that being simple is the highest form of sophistication (as someone wrote), yet I have to come to the grips that sometimes I will be prolix, illogical, too complex, too deep etc. But I also truly want that in the moments where I am diving wayyyy too deep to the point of unhealthiness, my new mantra will be: "may I remember the simplicity of life". Shit, I probably got way too many mantras... haha... Btw, just to wrap up here, my intention for the new moon has been going great, yet I realize how important it is to actually experience the word for yourself as oppose to get stuck in the idea-land... The Map Is Not The Territory!

It's very important to not overdo this kinda thing. Remember that change usually takes a lot of time. It won't be a giant leap, but many many baby-steps that will transform your life. So my advice would be to slow down and be easy on yourself. Otherwise, you might get crazy.

Going Full-Circle? Or Am I Just Deluding Myself? Yesterday I was feeling very anxious about the new things I got going for this week… and I was totally in fear… Like REALLY escaping reality as much as I can through sleep, Netflix, faping etc. And I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted in a Hakuna Matata sorta thing. My mind was overly agitated (as usual) about the things I am going to do this week… things like, “I can’t do it”, “I am not competent enough”, “Idon’t have enough skill” And I was really scared yesterday because I was feeling VERY bad emotionally. Depressive… and everything… And then…. Ta-da! Today I wake up feeling so content… out of nowhere… all the thought patterns that were irritating the shit out of me stopped making sense. So, I just gotta tell this and then I will go: I have learned in a great book that’s on the booklist a technique of exaggerating negativity , and man… that worked so well throughout the day, but I am pretty sure it’s not gonna work tomorrow =( Like… I feel like I have overused to the technique, dunno… And I am doing the book without guidance, so I must be screwing things up… Hahahahaha I am actually doing the technique right now. It’s so freaking funny to play with your own devilry. But the Devil has a lot of tricks under its sleeve… one of which is called overpracticing. I am simply impressed by my level of authenticity and fluency today. Normally I am a guy who overthinks and overanalyzes all his thoughts before saying or writing them, but everything seems more genuine today… dunno… I feel more integral… with more integrity. Random Thoughts > My back is aching like crazy… > My mantra for this moon is: “Natural me, the best me.” And it has been working wonders! > Tomorrow I will give an English class to a 5-year-old twin couple (idk if you use this term “couple” in English to simply refer to a boy + a girl. They are not dating each other hahaha !) I have no idea how it’s going to turn out… I am just gonna make sure I sleep nice … and keep making fun of my devil within, which is actually me I suppose… and then the class will unfold by itself idk... they get bored very quickly (like any child) so I think I will allow them to do the playing and i will follow their lead. I just dunno how I am gonna teach them English ... oh god... > I miss Leo’s Heyyyyyyyyy… Hahahaha… sorta useless if you think about it… > I also jogged while listening to Leo Quantum Mechaniscs Part 2… The best episode I have ever seen of actualized.org is: “Who is The Devil?” It was extremely emotionally challenging to hear the whole thing with openmindedness, but I did, and it paid off BIGTIME! Enlightenment experience in a ayahusca trip! Anyway, I am doing the same thing with the newer episodes… I am just gonna trust Leo on that … > Mann, I felt so much energy and so alive today… that I start grasping to this moment, like: “I WANT TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER!!!!” How stupid of me… By grasping, I destroy. Take a twinkle and grasp it very firmly… it’s gonna BOOM get destroyed Well… I feel very happy and psychedelic (didn’t use any, just a bit of cannabis) today . Existence feels magical at times. Like real magical, not the bullshit magic of the material world… I am accepting my own devilry more… Laughing my way through it… Realizing that my job is not to figure out anything; it’s just to keep my mind open and allow things to figure out by themselves. Kinda crazyyy…. But… right now, Im about to do the best meditation of my life… A complete forgiveness (you -> others, you -> you, and others -> you) so all directions are included + a loving-kindness meditation by Jack Kornfield. That thing changed my fucking life… It’s so gooooodd!!! If you want it, you can find it Because I am for the first time in forever honest with myself it is actually very effortless to write all of this. I have no intention of editing this text, so I am good to go. Well, I lied I just edited the text a bit “Gabi, é você?” Belle no Whats There's a lot of information in this entry......

one strategy that really helps me is to accentuate the negative inner dialogue while it's happening, instead of trying to get rid of it. for example, you're in a party and you're very self-conscious and "negative" thoughts starts popping up... let them go wild! "Oh... everybody must be looking at me." >> Typical thought of a social anxiety person Then... logic creeps in as an attempt to help: "No.. this is not true... everybody has their own problems..." However, instead of letting logic corrupt your experience, consciously accentuate the negative inner dialogue, so it would be something like this: "Omg! I am sure they are all looking at me... omg... i only make mistakes... omg... i am gonna freak out... this is gonna kill me.. omg look at that girl she must be thinking i am so ridiculous... why did I go to this place?? i fucking hate myself... what a fucking tragedy..." You continue with that conscious negative thinking until you magically go full-circle and you get very peaceful... but the thing is, you gotta allow yourself to think the most outrageous things.. lots of ppl have a program in their mind that says: be positive... but has that EVER worked? you're in the middle of a social situation and your self-worth is close to 0. you start telling nice things about yourself to your own self. Well, to me that only makes matters worse. what about this counterintuitive alternative? could you give it a try and see if it works? cheers! (i learned this technique will till from comfortzonecrusher)

because it's fucking infinite... i didn't claim to have gotten enlightened.. but it was certainly a very profound experience ... i never felt like that ever since... with that level of understanding... of integration... and you're right in the sense that words cannot describe the thing exactly! i was in ecstasy and felt like sharing .. maybe overshared idk.. it's like leo's video on enlightenment happening in real time.. someone from outside will not understand that.. or as leo says, who is stuck in the materialistic paradigm... too much logic...

Here I am. It's infinite. Haha. Do you understand? It is infinite! It's fucking infinite! You are the only thing that ever existed. You are Hitler, you are Jesus, you are a child playing in the sand. The ego structure is all a big infinite matrix. The more you try to deconstruct it, the bigger it gets. What does really matter? No matter what you're doing, you're doing correctly. You are in the matrix! I am the matrix. I am you. I am infinite compassion, infinite guilt, infinite shame, infinite hatred, infinite lives, infinite language, infinite porn. It's all the same thing. If you study computers, you will understand that you are exactly it. What holds all this web? Nothing and everything. Life is a fucking paradox. Infinite compassion or infinite hatred? The idea I have about my life and all my petty problems are joke because I am you. I am my dog. I am the dust. I am the worst criminal. On a different time and space. IT IS ALL A FUCKING CYCLE! HAHAHA It is infinite! It never ends whether you want it or not. Consciousness is infinite. We are all made of the same fabric. The petty that I have, you have also. The self-censorship within myself is present in all human beings. I am just a fucking cell. The strangest thing is that you cannot grasp this. It is as if trying to stop time. I don't know, I am just confused here. It all starts with the first step. All huge successes started with a first step. Do it imperfectly but start. This realization of our true nature requires tons of responsibility and at the same time zero responsibility. In a way, I am just a tiny cell of the Manifestation of consciousness. I don't have any fucking responsibility, and at the same time I know that the animals that are getting slaughtered are ME! All the children that ever felt hurt, abandoned, or rejected are actually myself. As I mention, it is infinite. I am you, remember? Haha. All this idea of "my" life seemed like a joke. Of course I will born again. I am infinite. INFINITE! HAHAHA. I am all that ever was. I am so grateful to Leo for all his hard work. I am so grateful for everybody who spend hours and hours on this forum and feel like you're destroying your life. All I can say is: it is infinite. Infinite births and deaths. Infinite situations. Infinite possibilities of the mind. Infinite lifetimes. You were Cleopatra. Haha. It is all one hahaha. Infinite judgements. Infinite shame. Infinite tension. Infinite relaxation. Infinite infinity. Hahaha! I feel so fucking inspired. I feel like I had a glimpse of who I really am. It's so crazy to see that this lifetime is just a cycle. YOU ARE AN ILLUSION. There is no one who is writing here. My cells are like cars on a busy avenue. There isn't much I can do except engage in consciousness. It fucking is infinte hahaha When you notice that, you will start laughing. This is all a fucking structure. The moment you brake it, a larger, harder structure emerges immediately. HAHAH it's infinite. All people you walked by today are actually you. You are your cat. You are me. I feel fucking amazing. A HUGE pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Sure, i will forget this insight infinite times, but it is there. No matter the situation, here you are. You are everything that ever existed. Just on a different space and time. You are literally your mom and dad. I am my ancestors. If we trace down to the start, there is only one. We are leaves of the same tree. Infinite leaves. You cannot die. What dies is the structure. BOOM! Gone. I keep repeating "it's infinite" as if my life depended on this. Ha. Having the insight of no-self, a natural feeling compassion arises. You simply get people. You are like, "oh, why i am going to judge this person if I am that?" I have been quite selfish lately, and that doesn't make much sense. To reach these higher stages, you have to face infinite fear. The bigger the fear, the bigger the expansion. We are composed of polarities. I had a very beautiful image in my mind in which i recalled a conversation i had with a close friend this week. i could see from his point of view. and i could also feel that he had the insight of interbeing. it was as if he was seeing and sensing everything that i was feeling because he is extremely developed and has gone through infinite hells haha. It is so fucking obvious haha. I am beginning to lose it. But... did I ever had it? Gone. "Make me one with everything." HAHA, i remembered that joke during the trip. haha. life IS a trip. infinite trips. haha. infinite hatred. infinite egos. infinite fear. infinite courage. infinite repetition because it is right under your nose and you don't see it haha. "You keep wanting wanting so much, why not want EVERYTHING?" Jack Kornfield it doesn't make much sense writing this name since he is me. HAHAHA. I can't stop laughing. It is all a fucking matrix, infinite structure. My mind simply cannot graps what I have experienced. I felt for all the highly schizophrenic folks out there (actually, in here (:P). Language is infinite. I have been a pretty lazy-ass guy, but to Existence this doesn't fucking matter. It is a never ending process. You = Buddha = Hitler = Leo = Donald Trump Can you see that these are only names? Do you grasp how shallow "names" and "dates" are? It is a joke to plan because all we have is the now. hHAaha. if you still have checkboxes to check before remembering who you TRULY are, well, the checkboxes are infinite. Haha. It is a dark hole. I am Christopher Hitchens HAHAHA. It is so hilarious. For most part I think, "dude, I am going crazy." Good. Awareness is beyond everything. Because it is fucking infinite. I want to program that into your mind. It is all infinite. Anyway, thanks to all the Buddhas, thanks to all my reflections I come across. Pure joy awaits you. And pure pain awaits you. Pure monkey mind. Everything I wrote is monkey mind. It is pointing to something greater. It is possible to escape the matrix? No, you're part of it. It is like a cell trying to rebel against all the trillion cells haha. haha. it is so beyond you. I want you to experience this. We are very priviliged to get the ultimate knowledge from all these amazing people out there - matt kahn, infinite waters, leo. People waste so much time with traditional dual ways of worshipping a God as if there were gonna be a "reward". It is like this, a drop of water remember that it is water. it's infinite, remember? i warn you: once you get this experience, your ego will quickly get bored. It will come up with infinite thoughts, judgements, projections. It's ok but realize all this monkey mind is like a never-ending hole. The more you engage in thinking, the more content is generated. simple as that. so what activities can you do that will bring you back into harmony? actually. everything is in harmony. The thing is, "other thoughts cannot deeply change other thoughts." The key is expand your awareness. And psychedelics are a HUGE time-saver (haha, time is an illusion). life is a trip. that's all I can say. hahah At some point I wanted to take more ayahuasca, but then I thought, "shit! i want take more of myself." it is as if i was in lack, lacking the proper clothes, lacking... always lacking... dude, remember to fry the big fish. things take care of themselves. it's hard to trust, but that's it. you have no control. but You have all control. i feel very humble. i feel like listening to people. it is all so beautiful. even lower conscious behaviors. they all stem from the desire to be happy. yet we don't pay attention to the results we're getting. anyway, that's it dude or girl. I feel in a way like just a matter of recognizing who you are. it's infinite fun. it's infinite seriousness. poles. positivity or negativity. We are included in everything. I feel like I am a cell telling to other cells that there is a bigger body we're part of. And this body is part of the cells of the world. And the world is a cell. Micro and macro. You are your heart!! Even though you don't pay attention to it, it is working 24/7. can you imagine that? it never fucking stops till you're gone. Haha. you'll be gone soon hahahha. me too i am the youngest, i am the oldest, i am the billionaire, i am the poorest, i am the saint, i am everything in between also. including yourself. hah. it is funny to send messages to your other selves. people, if you feel stuck, please consider trying psychedelics. i can understand why I have been going through hell. It is not possible to expand your awareness otherwise. haha. because it includes everything. well, as you can read, it is a real mind boggler haha. if you can let yourself go for a moment, it happens. you'll go, "OH MY GOD! that's fucking obvious." my desire is to be ok with being part of this matrix. and really, no matter what I do is absolutely correct. it never ends. you don't have to throw away anything. you don't need to get rid of your overthinking, your bad habits. haha. the idea that you have any control at all is an illusion. let us remember lavoisier (a.k.a., yourself), "nothing can be created. nothing can be destroyed. everything is transformed." transformation. you are a metamorphosis of your dad and mom ahaha. i am laughing so hard at myself right now because "i exist as i am. that is enough." you don't to change the world. when you change yourself, the world *which is you* transforms. there are the individual level and the collective level of awakening. I love this word. Awakening. You are the Buddha. Dude, how did we stayed for 42 days meditating under that Boddhi tree? to me, the message is clear: you have no control over anything. have you seen what happens when a person drops a bad habit? a brand-new arises. in most cases, it is even a worse one. we are so stuck in this vortex of endless information that we forget what is beyond all this. The Silent Observer. actually, there is no observer. got it? probably not because it is ungraspabble. everything i wrote here is being repeated over and over. maybe it is time to take a deep breath. and learn how to surf. i feel like the more I write, the farther the Truth goes. Words are endless. Unfortunately it is not possible to feel it through words -- but only through direct experience. So I applaud you for being on this forum, watching Leo's content, and really educating yourself what is possible. Haha, there's nothing left to say. I feel like everything else is secondary. i'm curious to see my upcoming days. haha. that's a lie. haha. correct less, do more. dude, i feel so stuck right now. again, i am lost in this maze. i feel like i am slowly conquering my insanity. i am first accepting the truth that there is nothing wrong with me. i am perfectly fine. trust

Life Purpose Course = Strategic Motherfucker Part 2 (Right, @Leo Gura?)

Huge Growth I experienced today a very powerful breakthrough in many different aspects of my life. I am beginning to drop some old beliefs and paradigms, and mainly letting go of rationality and embracing feelings. Feelings/emotions come first; then, rationality comes second. It's almost magical how when you are truly absorbed into what you are doing, reason stops being important. Instead, it simply happens by itself. Another thing: No amount of reading will substitute first-hand experiences. As Leo's always pointing out, the map is not the territory. It can help you, but don't confuse it with the actual thing. In other words, life can actually be very messy and chaotic; and that's okay. Changing my Relationship With Fear I had this on a psychedelic trip. A huge spider appeared in my mind. At first I didn't want to look and I was scared as fuck, but then I realized, first-hand, how fear comes from ignorance. When I simply observed the thing as it is, without judging it; I saw that it was neutral. It was just a living being trying to survive. Yea, it may have a different shape that I am used to, but nevertheless it is just as it is... The Laundry... Again, after all big growth, comes the laundry. I was in ecstasy today (not the drug, but the feeling). And I know it doesn't last also... but to me it became clear that I want to get more experience with theater. I feel it is so important to learn how to be listened... and there are a lot of nuances that I can do in intonation, pace, etc. to make the things I say more appealing... it's part of the game... Life Purpose I feel like I have the right amount of challenges, and I am looking forward to unleashing unlimited energy to fulfill my life purpose. Now, you may ask: "What is your life purpose?" Still don't know completely, but it's probably something like, "fully embrace my natural self and help others do the same through example." I feel like I am getting more attuned with the cycles of nature, and this lifts a huge pressure off my shoulders.. Yea, I still rush at times, and guess what? That comes with the package of being a westerner in the 21th century... No need to throw anything away... So, that's it.. I want to thank @JKG for sending me a video of Peter Ralston doing some boxing. It helped me a lot with understanding the importance of being "firm as a gelatin". Effortless power... whatever you wanna call it... I feel much more playful and natural by incorporating this strategy into my life, as opposed to getting stuck in perfectionism. Lately I have been expressing myself solo. This is great and everything, but I want to focus on getting good at expressing myself around other people, like dancing, acting etc. It's great to do solo, but with other people is much more emotionally powerful. I don't have anything more to say, but I feel like writing more haha. I feel like I am in a phase of transcending rules. My wrists hurt a bit from writing haha... i apply too much force... i should practice effortless power.. ops... no should statementsXD Go Metta! Turn Inwards! Big picture! To wrap up here, I am definitely gonna do more body-work... More yoga, more Tai Chi, more dancing, more Reiki... it works directly with the subconscious mind, so a lot of stuff is resolved automatically... Body = Subconscious So by opening up my body and through organic movements, things will auto-correct in my life yea, I am totally extending myself here... But hell... I am not the only one who exaggerates Beautiful ayahuasca song:

same here

Dude, that's fucking neurotic. "Killing my 'self' today" Guess what? If your ego today, it will return even greater tomorrow. Haha.. .so just relax baby listen to this

“When you listen to yourself, everything comes naturally. It comes from inside, like a kind of will to do something. Try to be sensitive. That is yoga.” - Petri Räisänen

cool let us know about your progress

My Week After The Ayahuasca I feel very great this week. My trip last weekend was head-on! It was actually good to take a break from psychedelics for a few months because now I can see how powerful they are. I have a so-called LSD, but I don't know if it's authentic... so I might as well stick with ayahuasca. My work was quite good. I self-doubted a bit, but overall I did well. I am with 6-year-old twins to teach English, so it's exciting to take on this challenge... quite outside of my comfort zone. I feel like abundance is overflowing in my life. The flower that I have been watering (as my 21-day challenge) is actually dying So I think I will get a new one to try again... I feel like I am singing much better. I am teaching better. I am socializing better. Everything is falling into place. Sure, ups and downs are to be expected, but I sure enjoy being high in lifeXD I have also been getting tons of energy, because I feel I am more and more aligned with my life purpose and also a lot of inner-seeds I have been watering for quite a long time (some examples, once again, are writing, music, communication); they are making my life very rich because I am not putting all my money into just one thing alone, but a huge variety. And I have been doing this for a while now... Well, that's it, I guess... It's 1:56 AM, so I should proabbly hit the bed

You have said in at least two episodes that in order for you to be recording at that time, you had to force yourself to do it, that is, you applied the "going through the motion" technique, in order to make yourself do it. How often do you feel that? That is, do you have battle with laziness on a consistent basis, or are your days becoming more and more effortless? (like you mentioned in the 10 things you don't know you want episode) Thank you.

Examples of Full-Circle Trying to get eliminate all your addictions is itself an addiction. Trying to be good at something makes you bad at it Trying to be confident makes you not confident Fully accepting your insecurity makes you self-confident

gave up?