Vytas

His friend Raghu Markus has a podcast dedicated to spreading Ram Dass wisdom. In the podcast for the first 10 minutes he gives his comments on the specific topic followed by ram dass lecture or talk. There are 170 episodes as for today. Great source of insights into spirituality https://open.spotify.com/show/3Dz4DL2ZMvnNQUnDSXqSdm?si=Vifi66imSiWYDPwEwrosMg

https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg/videos I feel like this is a high consciousness resource worth sharing with. The talks vary from topics like depression and anxiety to dharma and meditation

First things first, this will not be a journal, but more like a book of confessions which I am going to update whenever I find time for it or remember something important to mention. Why I am doing this? Well, to write something like this, to share my darkest memories I first thought of about a few weeks ago and since then the idea never left the mind. I am currently clogged with all the shitty stuff I have done and so I have this urge to share, but dont feel brave yet to tell it my family/friends. Also, the idea was fueled even more when I found modmyth's journal (even though it is different, the idea is to share important life experience). Of course, to make confessions is way better do it with real people in real life, but because I don't feel ready yet (feels like to much is in me to spill it for friends and shock them), so I will start here. Sharing all the confessions with anonymous people on the internet. Time to show my dark side.

@modmyth It definitely does. And I change it sometimes. Library is a great space. Nicely put - "going with the grain" environment. However, it is not a quick fix pill for my isolated and distracted life. 24 With No Distractions After Action Report. What I noticed is when being in uni (basically spend there all day, from morning till late evening) around friends, group-mates I have no thoughts about distraction, basically going with a flow, no need to push myself or anything. There, at those times, work and focus comes easily, as did yesterday. What went well? First of all, when faced with a dilemma: to wait 1h with group-mates for the boring lecture or go home. I did stay and it was great idea. Although waiting for 1h as well as boring lecture doesn't sound great, the alternative is going home and spending the evening alone, fighting and forcing myself to study instead of watching internet. I chose to stay and was able during my hour of waiting to do a lot of research work with a help of a friend, and the lecture turned out to be alright. Secondly, in the late evening, once back at home instead of binging on the internet and media, by accident I was saved from terrible day ending. My friends apparently were talking on discord about some nonsense, but I feel like I just needed some sort of conversation, to remind myself I am not isolated. It helped, after the call, I was more psychologically calm and cool. I was able to just do my project work, which I am super behind because of the distracted life during last month and a half. What could have went better? I feel like I need to find some social evening outlet. If not that random talk on discord I could have surrendered to my compulsions and spent evening on the internet, stuffing myself with food. Other time this might not happen. I need to think of something which would remind me that I am not alone in the world. I live alone in an actual one-room apartment - which I call cave . It is not bad, and I try to tell myself it is perfect for meditation and actualization work, but that is just lying. I need other people, I am social being. Till today's evening I will try to think of something that could remind me of that. I have a theory that when these psychological needs are met, working or spending free time in a healthy way is much more easier.

#4 I am afraid to face life This ties with all the confessions mentioned above. All the issues are inter-connected. To solve one of them would mean evaporating others as well. So yeah. What happened is I was getting stuck in my bullshit. Problems pilled up and it now feels unbearable. I try to not look at my life by distracting myself with: mainly internet (reddit/youtube/bbcnews), tv series, movies, music, food, porn (in the past) and sometimes video games. I feel like whenever I am having good time with other people, be it helping others with some work, spending time outside or hanging out I don't even think about distractions. Its all smooth. No thoughts about food, video games or pornography. But whenever I get back to my place, where I live alone, where I am suppose to study, do my individual uni projects - everything collapses. Here, I thought about something - I will try to spend next 24 hours with 0 distractions, and report back tomorrow around this time how it went. And I will write AAR (after action report). For one I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows. The goal is to face life with no distractions in a healthy way. Not like 'fuck it, brute force my way through'. Anyways, lets go. Btw, by no distractions I mean almost no internet, I will use only when looking for a specific thing; with food - just kill hunger, not to overindulge; already going on a solid no pmo streak, so at least that is covered.

I feel like this video has insight on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOAVLjJTO6M Video suggest to do it if genuinely inspired, not making it a distraction. And of course it varies from person to person how much is alright. However, when talking about pornography the damage it creates is undeniable. There are like a dozen tedx videos made. You can search for them on tedx youtube channel

#3 I am restless and cant focus properly Whenever I try to study, learn or write something that I am suppose to, I get super restless. This weird feeling in my body. At those times I feel like running away. As if jumping off the chair and leaving the room. My chess tightens. My bladder reminds me I need to go to the bathroom. When one is doing something joyfully - going to the bathroom or eating food can be easily forgotten. Well when I try to study the opposite happens. I get enormously irritated, want to go to the bathroom, or stuff myself with food, or simply take a walk. So fkin restless. At those times two things can happen: 1) I do take a walk or distract myself by watching a movie, reading articles and news, reading forums, laying on the bed 2) I force myself to stay on the target (whether be it essay I need to write, or book to study), and after hours of hard work I get a backlash, start to binge on food and internet videos. This feeling - restlessness. It is wild. Funnily enough I subconsciously create it, not knowing how. Why can I just sit still and in a relaxed way and do the work? I first started noticing this issue in last few years of high school although I assume it was with me since childhood. Should I brute force my way to study? Am I just searching for excuses to be lazy. Who knows.

Yeah, when speaking doesn't match thinking process, internal turmoil is inevitable. This habit of telling everything is fine was building up for quite some time. Stopping it means shattering my fake facade which I made. In a way, yes I am pressured, it is the step which society expects of you. The question which is raised after school is not whether you are going to university or not, but which degree you are picking up. At the same time it was and still is my decision to study. There are some other reasons why I am not willing to study wholeheartedly. I think I am going to make another post here about those reasons/issues. Thanks for the questions. Just wanted to mention that for the most part, I am pressuring myself to be this way, to do this and that. I have put myself in a place where I am today, no one other did. In answering what I am afraid the most - I fear in case I don't act in a certain way, in case I fail my course, all the family and my friends as well as rest of society will turn their back on me and I will be left alone, doing 8-17h job in some supermarket, scanning items, ashamed of who I become and watching tv after work. That I do not want to happen - that is a scenario I do not wish.

#2 I am scared about my future On the outside everything looks good. Most of the university course is completed, only the final meters are left. But nobody knows I am actually falling behind. The marks do not show this, because there are no mid-term exams or such, this semester we have a lot of projects to do and submission will happen only in the end of the term. Because projects are individual, supposed to be done by oneself, neither group mates nor professors know how behind I am. Fuck. The deadlines are coming and I am simply paralyzed by fear, shame, guilt and disbelief in myself. I sometimes wake up and just don't want to get out of bed, future looks bleak. Sometimes I am so paralyzed by my fear that I drop all the responsibilities and indulge myself for straight up 72 hours in a hedonistic lifestyle. Yet nobody knows. My marks look alright and by the story I told my friends and family I am studying consistently. If only that would be true. Last 4-6 weeks were so scary. I am and was losing joy and drive for life These negative thoughts about me failing studies were always buzzing in my head. When brushing teeth, when sitting in a bus and so on. I was and still am so scared. But my fear actually runs deeper. It might seem that I simply need to get strict with myself, stop worrying what could happen and start studying to make best of what is possible to be done. I get that. But I am so scared of the possible upcoming failure because of the past. I wasn't able to force myself to study in the last month and so I lost trust in myself that I can suddenly change and start working hard. I never change. Well... Actually... Might sound crazy but, as I am writing this I am starting to remember one time. One time I was able to turn my ship around in time and made it. It was my first semester in university and a brutal one. Damn. There is a possibility. Not everything is lost. Maybe there is a capability of strength in me somewhere deep. Anyways, back to the point I was making - I am scared, I do tremble, the future isn't sunshine and rainbows in terms of my studying trajectory. As of now, failure is the destination. But if I turn the ship around 180 degrees, as I did once in the past... Maybe.

#1 I am a liar Such a fucking big liar. Why? Because i was and am afraid to confess. Family member or a friend asks me "how are you?" and I answer "i am doing fine". In truth I am doing poorly, very poorly. I am afraid to tell people all the shameful and upsetting things I did or appropriate action that I didn't take. I lie in a few ways. First is I often exaggerate my stories to others to make myself look better (self-worth issues I guess). For example when I run 6 km in 36 minutes I often say i did it in 30 minutes and so on. But apart from these small lies I also lie in a big way for example telling people I am doing great, when in reality dawning in self-created misery. To tell the truth means to shatter all the projections I have put upfront as myself. To tell the truth means not only to upset others of how much weak of a person I am in reality, but also to upset myself. I want to be wise, I want to be strong, but... Fuck, its so hard to tell that I am not that hard, that I am not that strong or smart. To say that I am afraid BIG TIME. I told many lies. I can not say that in the near future it will change. I don't think I am ready to tell the truth to my family or friends. But I will try. I will try to dismantle my fake projection piece by piece. Step by step. This confession 'journal' is my first step towards exposing the truth and stopping the lies about my 'wonderful' self.

@undeather great video, thank you for sharing it

I also felt that. Its like in actuality he is trying to drill the truths to himself, because subconscious part of him doubts it

Myke Tyson got so much more humble over the years, he is definitely becoming aware of his ego. What a hero.

And btw, this video (link below) captures nicely the theme of your journal. Keep up the good work man

I find him very helpful on the path. If you resonate with what he says/does then follow the sadhana and see how your being changes in a month

Before this I thought weed isint harmful, but shit... Is my body different? It is my second time i smoked it, the first was half a year ago and it was weird as well (simmilar sympthoms as now just to lower extent). I smoked weed and it was alright a lot of anxiety because of how my mind works, lots of paranoia - nothing too suspicious. Everything past after 6-12 hours expect!!! Expect that its been 46-48hours and my hands still feel weird - dizzy, disoriented and extra sensitive. For example if I thouch my face I dont know where I touched and exact texture of my face just hyper-tingly sensation. Its really hard when I need to tigh my shoes or do some persice work with my hands. I thoufht this will pass, but its been ~47hours now! Maybe some of know why this is happening and what it is?

I find the app very helpful. Almost done with 10 basic lessons and thinking about purchasing annual subscription

@Gabriel Antonio Thanks for advice. Yeah, I definitely realized that I am not ready for it. My mind is too much of a worrying-type. But I was kind of okay with my mind being stressed, I was prepared to meditate and let go. The problem was that I wasn't prepared for 67+h trip (still dizzy). I mean I had lots of work planned for the days after. Anyways, its been now 67h after smoking and I can finally drive and do stuff in a manageble manner So good to be back into my body again to some extent. Its like 90-95% normal now. Two things to take away from this experience: Thc has 3-4 days half life, so if it is very potent - prepare to be stoned for half a week, and have no work planned. Some bodies have hard time metabolizing it. Yesterday i ate yogurt at breakfast and thats all. I have been fasting now for ~26h just because my digestion process stopped and food is stuck with thc in the body. Case closed i guess Weed is just not for my body type

Chronological order: +0h: feeling great, we walked outside with brother, discussing about life and what not. +0.5h it kics in - disorientation - like I do everything very coordinated if you look from aside but from my point of view I just can't locate where my body is in space very well. Also little anxiety +1h First peak. Anxiety intensifies as I have to encounter parents. Not fun. Much paranoia, praying that this would end. +4h. Peak fades as I can again locate my body parts in space and monkey mind slows down. An iety disappears. Only light symptoms. I go to sleep. +13h I wake up. I still feel light symptoms. Also dry eyes and mouth but nothing too worrying. +13-+21h. I go about my day. +21h. Just as I thought it ended - nope. Second wave. It happened as I eas walking for my 3rd hour outside and suddenly time slowed down and snap my body - I didnt know where my arms were (at that moment they were in my jean's pockets. This middiocer-intensity "high" lasted all evening. It was tough as I had to do lots of stuff in city and home. +29h. I went to sleep hoping that this 2nd wave will pass. I had lots of work and driving planned for next day. +38h. Morning - high didnt went away, but wa smanageble. I got used to not feeling where my arms were, I did alright with all the work I had to do. +44h. I thought why not to go running, maybe it will sober me up, plus I was tired an dnjmb, and thought blood circulation might help me get alert. +45h. During the run itself (7km) I was feeling good, felt grounded. But then, after showering oh boy. +46h 2nd peak. I felt dizzy. Lost. Anxious. Parents ask me why I am not doing my duties at home. Man, I wish I could be honest and tell them I smoked weed (they dont look at it very happily...). +48h I was sitting numb and tired and high and anxious. Thinking about wtf is wrong with my body, when my brother told a joke and I just bursted into laughing. To the point of tears. Lol. Now its almost +50hours. Fuck. Its like I can't do shit and I have work. Ehh. I am thinking about telling my parents I am feeling like meditating thus evening. So I can just ease into experience. Hope it will pass soon. But who knows, I mean its +50h now. P.S if you are wandering my first marijuana experience lasted 21h, but it was heavier weed. This time I inhaled only for 2-3 times only.

***This was my second attempt, I haven't posted my first one, because it was as much scientific as this one. Maybe I will share it that one as well later. Out of curiosity I did this experiment and this is what happened Process: 1) Preparation. I started the experiment on 2018.11.07 (Wednesday). I tried to do everything as precise as I could. I took 3 identical* jars, washed them really well, waited them to dry, then cleaned with 3 separate clean paper towels (picture a.). On the covers wrote 'Love', 'Hate' and 'Ignore'. Then I boiled some rice. I don't have scales, so the only way to place exact amount of rice in each jar was with a tool. And the tool was sort of a metal scoop. So I placed 2 coops of rice in each jar and closed them. Placed them on top of the shelf and covered with wardrobe curtain. The reason I pulled the curtain was that during the experiment I wanted to absolutely not even look who must be ignored, but if I place one jar in the closet and not the rest of them, the amount of light they receive would be different. So I placed all of them behind the curtain and started the experiment (picture b.). * - the only difference was that on one white cover it had date - 2014, I couldn't wash the it away. But thought this should not make any difference for the experiment. 2) Execution. Every day I would open enough curtain, so that 'ignore' jar would still be ignored, while I spend around two minutes for the rest two. One minute I would look at 'love' jar and send loving thoughts and emotions to those rice. Another minute I would look at 'hate' jar and send negative thoughts and emotions to those rices. 3) During second week. After sending thoughts of love to the 'love' jar, it was very hard to then almost bully and hate the 'hate' rice. Therefore, I would spend less than 10-15 seconds for the hate jar. 4) End of experiment - 2018.11.23. I couldn't wait longer for results (initially planed to do this for 3 weeks) and after 16 days I ended the experiment. picture a. picture b. Results: Things that I observed: (due to lack of space, I will post pictures of results in the post below) Condensation and moisture: loved jar was the least moist, actually no drops of water on the glass. Meanwhile the other two were condensed. Also 'hate' and 'ignore' jars had more moisture, rice was laying on this gelatinous-like bottom. Color: all rice was quite similar in this regard. Perhaps hated rice was more of a darker-orange color and ignored rice was more of a darker-grey color. Specific differences: 'love' rice didn't had any special defect. While 'hate' rice had very dark (pure black) spot on one of the areas. Also 'ignore' rice had this spot of greenish mold. Moreover, It seemed to me that loved rice had least bad smell, although I wasn't paying that much attention to the smell. Position: because I wasn't rotating the jars, I was only able to send either hate or love towards one side of rice. What is interesting, for some unknown reason, the black spot in 'hate' jar appeared on the other side than I was perceiving, meaning I couldn't see it during the whole experiment. Maybe: the only mistake of this experiment might be that I MAYBE closed the jars not equally strongly. I can't think of any other reason why in love jar the condensation disappeared during 3-7th day. Conclusion: Very interesting phenomena I observed. Ignored and hated rice had two very distinct and different defects - one having mold and the other black spot. Between all of 3 jars, loved rice were looking slightly better. This was one experiment and I shouldn't draw any conclusions from it, more experiments are needed to be done before making any judgment, BUT. But if this is what is seems to me, then love is truly truly powerful. One should be very mindful of the thought and emotion process, because mental manifestation may impact the physical world, or. Or perhaps even more important to have open-mind because no matter what we think, nature is so complex that it seems we don't know anything yet. The best thing of this experiment that I have got opportunity to witness such thing first hand for myself. One thing is when you look this woo-woo things on youtube, the other thing is when you do it yourself. Very eye opening results. *** Consideration for myself when doing such experiment again: make sure I close all jars very very well. put only one scoop of rice send love or hate thoughts and emotions to all sides of rice, instead of one add 'normal' jar, to which I would look for 1 minute, therefore I would know if there is any difference between ignorance and paying silent attention. Final Note: It would be nice that you guys could also do some similar experiment for yourself and share it here so we could see if thoughts and emotions can affect the world or not for sure

Also the video I did: https://vimeo.com/302458457 I know very poorly filmed, but that is what I've got

All of the lil peeps pumps and other dudes like xxx took orange to its extreme. Materialism which brings depression, madness and desperaty

@ajasatya thanks. Yeah I feel like some sort of outlet/ tool is needed. Some say that running has done that for them, others that interacting face to face with family members and friends more often. I can see the benefits of hatha yoga. Disturbances in dopamine levels do actually cause not only mental but also physical unease. I will add surya namaskar and some form of pranayama exercise to my routine and will reach for 60+ days

@ajasatya I am wondering how long one must go till urges subside. At least in my last attempt from day 30 to day 33 the thought patterns and my energy levels were so f***ed up that I couldn't bear it. How long it took you for your mind to calm down and dopamine levels equalize?