Joshaps

Hey guys, it's been a while since i posted here... the forum has always intimidated me slightly, but I really have nowhere else to turn when it comes to these kinds of topics. Before I get into anything I do want to mention that I am on medication and seeing a therapist so I am seeking professional help for the tangible issues. That being said, there's a layer to this i feel like I need to address here on the forums. This is very off the cuff so I apologize if i stray from the point and ramble, there is just a lot behind this but hopefully I can sum it up cleanly. So Ive been following leo for a long time, on and off, I admit i havent been the most dedicated watcher, I skip videos sometimes. But if a title grabs my attention I can sit through a 2-3 hour video easy. I have experience with psychedelics in my past (admittedly mostly recreational use) but I also have a history with a mental hospital and that's the big thing I kind of want to mention. Over the course of 3-4 years ive been to the mental hospital a total of 3 times. This February was my last visit. I get a better handle on my episodes each time, but they're loosely tied to my existential questioning and spiritual journey. I loose touch with reality and it's hard to explain without getting too into it. (Im not here to detail my psychotic episodes to you all, you dont deserve it and it may be missing the point lol) I used to really be into the spiritual journey and nonduality (a lot of leo and alan watts will do that) but lately I feel like ive lost my focus and im almost damaged with my mental illness. I dont want to give up on the path, but i realize that it can no longer be the same for me. Ive gotten some good insights to myself but I feel like ive forgotten them and I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, who am I really, what do I really want, what im capable of anymore. Do I really want to be enlightened? What does enlightenment even mean to me? (I have no fucking clue lol) Am I capable of doing these practices after all that ive been through after ive questioned myself so much to the point where ive lost my grip on reality. I feel like ive broken myself down so much, but now I was hoping to get advice on how to build myself up again. I dont know how many of my old perspectives ive re-adopted (in terms of ideas about reality) I feel like im just in survival mode. Leo talks about letting love lead you nowadays and I feel like I need a redose of the fundamentals again. IS there any direction that someone can point me in? old videos of leos maybe? Is this even path even possible for me anymore? I dont want to be resigned to floating through life mindlessly and unaware... but i feel like I need to start all over again... so how do I do that? I hope this wasn't too long a read for you and I didn't ramble too much. Basically I just want to know where I go from here after all ive been through.. and what you all think. I can't appreciate you enough for your advice, even if it's just support, and I wish you all the best.

@ArchangelG That's what Im feeling i need to do, just get back to basics. I guess I just want a good foundation as to what those are. Ive only ever really known leo and alan watts but I suppose they're pretty advanced for who they are. Ive never heard of Teal swan, ill check her out, starting with the two videos you recommended, thank you.

I actually own that book, I haven't finished it yet but i will now that you brought it up. I used to be a big fan of peterson, maybe I will put on a few of his lectures while I can... thank you Im only 24 so i suppose I have a lot of time to pursue this sort of thing... I just want to be on the right path right away, if that makes sense. I want to rush and I guess I cant when it comes to this sort of thing. Youre right, I have to get myself in order before I can do anything like enlightenment. Thank you for the practical advice

@zambize I'm not suffering right now, I do feel like I'm on a healing path now, and thank you. @Nahm Thank you. I do feel like there are things in my past I'm not coming to terms with, and they keep being recontextualized (as Serotoninluv said) as I go. @Serotoninluv I think you're right. I do feel like I haven't gone through the more grounding prinicples, and the few that I have, have been mostly to just grit my teeth through the experience and come out alive at the other end, which has made it a rough ride at times. I appreciate the pointers and will certainly work on those more grounding practices, sounds like it will be very useful to me at this stage in my development. I really appreciate the insights and the advice!

First of all, I apologize if this is in the wrong section, and I will delete/move it if I need to. I don't post here often, clearly. But i've followed Leo and his videos for some time. Part of the forum intimidates me, but that's not what this thread is about. I've followed Leo and his videos for some time. Years. I've experimented with LSD and marijuana. I've had some very radical experiences, some may consider 'awakening' or 'ah-ha', and even more recently, that 'big O' moment. I don't consider myself enlightened by practical standards or anyone, and i'm concerned using these terms will turn the topic away with what i'm trying to convey. I've been admitted to a psychiatric ward twice, mostly due to the LSD (everyone in my life points to the drugs, and I will coincide that they certainly didn't help) I attribute it to my lack of good foundation. Even my 2nd visit was not as intense nor as long because I already knew how to conduct myself once I got out of the mental tizzy that sent me there. It's hard to put into words, as I'm sure anyone on this forum can appreciate, so the best thing I can do is simply to convey my experience. Before anyone gets worked up to tell me I need to seek help, I am already working with a therapist, taking medication, and getting very healthy support from my family and friends. I don't consider my situation unstable at all, and am very fortunate to have. They do not, however, really share my worldviews when it comes to the ideas expressed by Leo or on this forum. (enlightenment, nonduality, spirituality, self-actualization, etc) I've been doing this work on my own and not really talking or sharing it with anyone because I recognize that it is deeply personal work and any answer I try to seek from another kind of undermines the whole godhead idea. After my first trip to the psychiatric ward, I stopped taking LSD and still haven't to this day. That was at least 2-3 years ago. I was a mess, and will freely admit I was not personally ready to take such a deep dive (I was doing things like meditating while on acid) The biggest contributing factor was that began to believe my body was somewhere it was not, and I could be unintentionally be hurting myself or people around me.(Im sure plenty of you have seen/experienced 'freakouts' on these substances) This seems heavily influenced by the LSD. It took me being in a ward where people could monitor me to get over it. The people around me in the ward certainly didn't help me with any of my delusions. After my visit, i stepped away from anything related to self inquiry. I got a 2nd job and worked my ass off so to not put my family through that again. I got comfy and started smoking marijuana on a regular basis. I started to become a bit of a bum and didn't like it. I began to work on myself in a very... how do I put this.. 'grounded' way. I tried to improve myself in way that werent related to spirituality or enlightenment at all. Following a day to day schedule, weightlifting, changing my diet, etc. Very, 'in reality' kind of methods. Finally Leo uploads his 'What is god part 1& 2 videos. I start watching them, taking notes. A lot of what he condenses makes a lot of sense and I begin to experience things again closer to more non-dual experiences. I began to draw lines to what he was saying, what I was experiencing, and even doctrines were saying (Like cChristianity) things were making 'too much' sense. I began experiencing reality in a way that seemed like it was reacting to me and I was reacting to it. (in retrospect they seem heavily based on my ego projections, at least) and it made it difficult to 'survive'. I went back to the same hospital that I had been to previously.. but by that time I was done with my illusions, and my stay was not long. Now I'm told everything was triggered by the drugs, (I engage in a lot of self-talk and self-criticism, and that could have been amplified by the drugs , ill admit) part of me can appreciate that, and another part wants to really get to the bottom of how much was triggered by the drugs, where I am on this scale of noduality thinking. I understand that this can complicate things, but it's funny because I had that big 'O' moment and have really come full circle. That saying where the practice is like shaking your closed fist to get a child excited, only to open it and reveal your empty palm. I need to live my life, fully live it, and I want to. But I do not want to 'give up' on this line of non-duality thinking. I guess I just want to do it properly. I apologize if this is more rambled than I intended, there are too many things, to many experiences for me to really condense it all here.. I guess I just want to know... after all this, where am I now? How do I move forward in a healthy way. It feels weird to consider myself enlightened, it feels more like, i'd going in a spiral direction, getting a little better each time. If that makes any sense. I guess im looking for some way to frame all of this a way, so that I can make the most of my experiences so far and live in a way that will lead to self-actualization

So I've been using a timer for my daily meditations, on a year plan to work myself up to 60 minutes in 10 minute increments every 3 months. Starting at 20 minutes it's already gotten a lot easier as I've gotten better at meditation. But I always find myself thinking about how much time I have left. I typically mitigate this by telling myself "It's most likely not even been half way, don't think about it" and pulling my thoughts back to nothingness gets me back into that 'i could do this for hours' state. Still, it always happened at least once. Until I found out about mala beads that are used for counting mantras and meditation. Counting the beads with your breath, it allows me to keep track of my time without needing the noisy timer on my phone or wondering how far along I am. I just tried them for the first time today and I was very happy with it! I used it alongside my timer just to see how long one rotation lasted. My necklace is 108 beads, and with my breathing pattern during meditation takes about 7 minutes give or take. So 3 rotations adds up to about 20 minutes. As I add time to my meditation sessions, I'll add rotations. My mind wandered a lot more this time just because I imagine I added a new element to my meditation, but I'm very exited to get used to using it! I was curious if anyone else had heard of them, and what their thoughts are on mala beads, if you use them at all?

About two weeks ago, I had a fundamental realization on an LSD trip. I was sitting, looking into a mirror, doing some self-inquiry, trying to get a better idea of where "I" was. A mix of looking around through my eyes with and without the mirror. In my mind, going over all the spiritual videos I watched, the Alan watts lectures, the nondual readings, etc. During this I remembered an interview with the comedian Louis C.K. I had watched earlier that day before my trip. He was commenting on how people use cell phones to distract themselves from being human because we can't handle it. In particular he gave an example where he was driving, and that existential dread of sadness and loneliness began to set in, and he was inclined to reach for his phone. Instead, he made the consious choice not to, and instead pulled over to cry. After he was overcome with joy, and mentioned how everyone needs that, because it's cutting a huge part of human experience, and instead people play it safe in the middle, not experiencing too much sadness, nor too much joy. So in an attempt to follow this advice, I began to contemplate how lonely I was. How lonely I would always be. No matter how close I was to anyone, I was always "I", never "We" or "Us", all my life. Just as the sadness began to crept in, remembering back to Alan Watt's lecture "Do you do it, or does it do you", you only ever got "Thou" from "I". In an instant I saw the duality in everything, white and black, space and object, background and foreground, etc. You only ever have one with the other. What "I" was, was "It". Everything. Everyone. It all fell into place all at once. The Alan watt lectures, the books, the videos, everything. Funny enough, in a way that only I could, in an attempt to connect with my existential loneliness and feel strong emotions that came with it, I came to this realization and began to laugh. This wasn't the first time I had come across this idea. With all the spirituality, philosophy, nondual and actualization topics I was studying, the idea was plainly there, and I had a logical/intuitive grasp on it... but never experienced it first hand fundamentally. The reason I didn't rush to this forum and post was because I wanted time to reflect on this outside of my trip and see how I go about life with this realization. I've heard the saying "Before enlightenment, collect water, chop wood. After enlightenment, collect water, chop wood." So I didn't expect too much, and things didn't change in some crazy way for me. Though I admit that now I can 'see myself' in everyone.. and it's greatly increased my ability to empathize and desire the best for those around me. Now the first the I asked myself, "Is this what everyone's been ranting and raving about? If so, now what?" I got the message, now was it time to hang up the phone? I mulled this question over until I watched the interview Leo had recently with Dr. Martin... and it was uploaded the weekend of my awakening, so I went back and watched it. An important distinction that was made, and I'm greatly appreciative for, was the distinction between "Enlightenment" and "Liberation". Liberation being described as no longer being trapped by the ego. I can confidently say that I still 'fall asleep' constantly. I wake up often and realize I was asleep for an afternoon, on that walk to work, or even days at a time. So instead of feeling like this is the end of the road, I feel like and even greater journey has unfolded for me. To explore and actualize myself, find every bit of my ego, scrub every nook and cranny, so that it can no longer trap me. I feel like if this is awakening, it's only the first step for me. I feel with this realization though, my goal is much more clearer and I can go forward with a greater understanding of what needs to be done and how to get there. After the interview I bought two of Dr. Martin's books, 'Being Infinite' and 'Being Human'. both should be arriving today and I really look forward to reading them. To finish off this fairly long post, I'm young. I just turned 21 this November so there's still so much ahead of me, even in human terms. Is this it? Is this awakening? If so, what are some of the things I can do to move forward? This can't be the end, it's always been there, it's always been the case. I think before I was simply broadening my horizons, but now is the time for actualization. Also I feel might be an important note, while I've had realizations before, and times on acid where I could no longer 'feel' my physical body, I don't believe I've ever had a genuine nondual experience. Have you experienced enlightenment? How did your awakening go? What do you do now? Or, even if you haven't, what do you do in your self-actualization and spiritual work? I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. TL;DR: Had a nondual realization on an LSD trip, might be enlightenment but I'm not sure. Have an idea but not too sure on what to do now.

@WelcometoReality There's an odd comfort in that. What's it been like for you? A big part of the reason I use mediums like actualized forums is that few people around me have little interest in these subjects so I find myself almost forced to find answers myself because I have no one to bounce ideas off of, haha.

@aurum Reminds me of the unawareness video where Leo made the matrix metaphor. You have to enter and use the matrix to communicate with anyone unaware they are in the matrix.

I have my morning walk, meditation, hour or two of reading whatever book I may be at the time, and videos or audiobooks on actualization and philosophical topics for whenever I'm at work or cleaning. Those are what i do no matter the day, outside of that, whatever I do I examine on a day to day basis, literally asking myself 'What do I want to get done/do today'. This usually involve asking myself what the emotionally uncomfortable thing to do is. I'm actually in the process of solidifying and making a habit of my daily routine! I have a 2 week schedule I've made for myself that allows me to visually track it. That way afterwards I won't need to track it at all, and it'll become a natural habit for me. (Unless I fall off, which I'd become aware of and put myself on my 2 week schedule again)

Thanks for posting this summary! I planned on listening to this video during work today. (Still am) But this gives me some things to think about on my way there. I'm relieved to find fewer aspects of lower conscious thinking in myself than I might have assumed. Still, there are probably more that I'm unaware of that I can train myself to pay more attention to as I move on. After researching spiral dynamics I know at least half of me is in orange... but my lack of materialistic desire leaves me more relating to green and yellow levels. Though I'm sure my yellow levels are very low. Right now want to focus on self-observation and self-inquiry, usually because i typically feel neutral at any given moment, leaving me unsure of how I feel. I can't improve if I don't fully understand myself.

I like to think of myself as a creative writer. Recently I developed an interest in verbal story telling. I think there are so many useful applications for it beyond entertainment, mainly teaching moral and practical lessons to children. It's something I see a lack of these days, and if I can keep it alive, I hope I can inspire others to as well.

I agree for the most part, as leo says, in the practical sense. When it comes to community, and people interacting with one another, I've come to the general outlook that you should seek power, freedom, and actualization to your most optimal point... until you impede the power, freedom, and/or actualization of others. Once you reach that point, you can use your gained actualization to lift those around you. This done on a large enough scale, will further your own opportunity to increase your actualization even more. This is selfish, yes, it's strategically selfish. Using your ability to elevate those around you, to further yourself even more. It's the best of both, aiding those around us, without denying our human nature.

I believe I understand what you're talking about. I've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of videos, and each branch into different fields if all kinds of information to take in and reflect on. Personally it doesn't cause any kind of anxiety in me, though I do feel an uncertainty that I may not fully understand it. Like watching a video once and then feeling like you know all about it. A way I've personally went about this so far is pretending like I'm explaining whatever particular subject im studying to someone else, without looking at the material. It's been a major difference because before I have an intuitive understanding of something, but when I try to explain it I can only speak generally. After I kind of 'rehearse' the information like im explaining it to someone else, all the information becomes so much easier to go through and retrieve at any given time.