This post is inspired by this youtube video
I'm not much like the son in the video, but I'm afraid of turning into someone like him.
Since elementary school I've told myself that I wanted to make music. When I first saw videos of Jimi Hendrix playing I recall being filled with emotion; it was such a wonderful feeling that I wanted nothing more than to create that same feeling for others---that was my initial motivation. I've played guitar nearly every day since, and expanded to drums, bass, singing, and lyric writing, though I'm most competant on guitar.
The problem is this grand life purpose I'd chosen in the 5th grade never got anymore specific than "Be a musician" or "Make music." I played every day and improved, but I never really progressed passed noodling in my room and recording little tunes. I never bothered to join a band because 1. I'm too afraid to leave the house (my greatest weakness) and 2. I thought I could just record all the instruments myself. Mostly, though, my issue has been fear of the unkown and what others might think or say of me.
I entered online school in the 9th grade because I couldn't get myself to school. I was always exhausted because of my unceasing anxieties, and just depressed overall. The switch would also hopefully keep my parents and I out of truancy court. I was enthusiastic at first thinking I'd finally have the energy to do my school work, but I was dead wrong. With no one to really keep on track, I was expected to complete school work on the same device for watching porn and playing video games. Even with the online school's laughable attendance checking, I was finally kicked out after not logging on for months---this is a few months after the beginning of 10th grade.
I started another online program, but I was quickly forced out because the attendance was checked regularly. I was now forced to attend public high school, and had to check in to truancy court once a month at the juvenile courthouse.
I somehow made it through the remainder of my 10th grade year without any attendance issues. I was still incredibly shy and anxious, but I made one friend, so that helped me. 11th grade was going fine for about a month and a half, but then I just...stopped. I got up one morning and decided to lay back down. I forced myself back to school a few more times to calm my truancy officers pleas, but I quckly sputtered out and never went back.
The court's threat's became increasingly serious. I was enrolled in the transition school, which is just the same online progam but attended at the juvenile center. This meant driving myself every day, which was scary at first, but I got over it. I went for about two weeks and stopped. After more threats a bench warrant was finally issued after I skipped a court date.
I spent one day in jail, which was both better than I expected and worse than I expected. I went in with mental images I've seen on TV: A table of skinheads plotting a riot, guys getting in fights, crooked guards---I imagined the streorotypical prison scene from movies, but this was just juvenile detention. In reality the guards were all friendly, the food wasn't bad, and to be honest, I didn't see a single "criminal" in that building. All I saw was a bunch of children that had terrible rolemodels and no stability at home---how else could you possibly turn out when your parents are meth addicts?
It was very easy to say that these kids were the result of a shitty environment, but could I say the same about myself? Both of my parents work, all my needs are fulfilled, so it must be all my fualt, right? The only major defect I can identify in my home is that my parents are never here, and if they are, they're asleep. I've basically raised myself (and watched over my younger brothers) since the fourth grade. Being responsible for yourself at a young age can make you stronger in some ways, but I never really had anyone that told me what to do, which can be harmful. It allowed me to do whatever I wanted, to play music or whatever; but there was no one to really check me on my bullshit, my laziness, and negative behaviors. I'm not resentful in any way whether blaming my parents is justified or not, because they can't fix my issues, it's all up to me. Besides, nothing my parents have done was out of ill will towards me, they can only try, and for that I'm grateful.
How am I now? Well, this last year things seem to be improving, though very slowly. I began exercising about 6 months ago, and I've just hit my first fitness goal (Made it from 135 to 150). I journal daily, I meditate most days, though i'm becoming increasingly consistent. Last week my mom drove me up to my grandparents auto shop, and now I have my first job, which is still kind of jarring since I'm not used to that level of activity or social interaction. Now that I'm working, I have about 4 hours to myself, which I must use effeciently if i'm to complete the tasks that I want.
This was probably too much context, but whatever. Honestly I don't even know what I'm asking. I want to make music, but I'm afraid it's too late, the chance has passed. That's probably overly dramatic, but I don't want to be that guy in his twenties noodling on his guitar in his parents' house. I also don't want to be that guy in his thirties wondering what could have been. Hopefully someone can make sense of this, and I'm very grateful to anyone that was willing to read this.
