BeyondForm

Hey everyone, I've been meditating and experimenting with psychedelics for a few years now, and have experienced many states of pure being and varying levels of what I would describe as 'ego death'. Having also studied a lot of spirituality, one concept I've always been fascinated by is that of Mahasamadhi. "Mahāsamādhi (the great and final samādhi) is the act of consciously and intentionally leaving one's body. A realized yogi (male) or yogini (female) who has attained the state of nirvikalpa samādhi, will, at an appropriate time, consciously exit from their body." There isn't a whole lot of information on this, however I have been able to find some descriptions and accounts from the yogi Sadhguru, and also found/read a cool little book called 'Graceful Exits: How Great Beings Die', that describes the final moments/deaths (or mahasamadhi's) of over 100 masters. I have no doubt that the possibility exists. The reason I am posting is that, like many of you, I am interested in learning about the entire scope of spirituality/reality (hence finding this topic of interest in the first place), but what started out as a light interest in reading about something that was really of no consequence to me, has actually now turned into a bit of a concern (and somewhat irrational fear) as my experience of the non-physical becomes deeper and more profound. I understand that mahasamadhi is really only a possibility for highly advanced beings, which is why initially it was never a concern as I was always able to box myself outside of this classification, but now that reality beyond the body is now, well.. so real, in fact more 'real', whenever I enter meditation and go deeper in the non-physical realm, the moment my sensation of being body begins to really slip away, this possibility of mahasamadhi becomes the forefront concern of my mind. It's also hard to dismiss as just an irrational fear or the ego saying 'turn back' (which yes, it is), because the lines around the possibility of experience are hard to draw and are not so clear anymore - there's not too many possibilities I would dismiss these days. The only real basis I have for believing that it won't happen is just sheer fact that thousands upon thousands of people (practically everyone that will read this post as well) have delved into these same experiences/realities and this hasn't happened to them haha, but it's hard to just rely on this simple idea when I'm actually experiencing the mighty mouth of the divine matrix about to consume the entire world and hence my body too. Now don't get me wrong, say I was much older towards the end of my life, the possibility would be much easier to accept in my mind and it would be much easier to just get on with it (and something I might even hope for one day), but for now I want my life on earth, and there's still a lot I desire to do. The paradox is that I also have an incredible thirst to keep exploring, learning and experiencing the spiritual (and obviously the two are not opposed!) - but it feels as though the only option I have is to accept that "I might not come back to my body" every time I want to go really deep and dismiss this warning sign that shows itself in my mind (after all, I don't really have any way of reassuring myself that it won't happen). - And maybe it is just a lesson on attachment & expectation, and something that must be accepted! If it's even possible, I was hoping someone might be able to shed more understanding on the topic and perhaps give me some peace of mind. I know it's a hard one because at the end of the day I'm really just seeking assurances about a minute possibility. - This is also a great example of knowing too much. Had I never read too much theory I would be ignorant of this possibility and probably enjoying the formless imagination in peace. (as a funny side note, I've read also that Sadhguru has his practitioners that are advanced in sadhana wear copper rings around a certain finger, which supposedly prevents the one in a million possibility of this happening. I have no doubt that the man is enlightened, and though I have no basis for believing things like this that he says, i also have no basis for dismissing them either. Perhaps i should become one of these conspiratorial spiritual dudes that can tell people their beliefs about the power of rings and crystals.. ...or maybe not )

Awareness of Nose, has anyone else noticed or struggled with this? Hey guys, After awakening, I began to investigate and become more aware of how certain aspects of my body work, particularly the visual and audible fields. Now this will sounds ridiculous haha, but please hear me out! One thing that has really plagued me for the past year or so now is awareness of my nose in within my field of vision. I’ll give a quick explanation first, followed by why this is troubling me so much. So when looking ahead, particularly at objects in a closer range of say 1 to 5 metres, I become aware of the shadows of one or both sides of my nose within my field of awareness. An author on a site named ‘The Headless Way’ talks about the nose and how it relates to headless awareness briefly in this article, where I found the following sketch as a reasonably accurate example of what I’m talking about (http://www.headless.org/experiments/seeing-your-nose.htm). Below I’ve edited the image again to show an even more accurate example of what I’m experiencing, and a diagram for those who’ve never investigated this before to show how the nervous system overlays the visual fields of the pupils as such, producing the experience of the sides of the nose in such a way. What’s really bizarre about noticing this is that the physical sensation of the nose clearly does not synchronize with vision of the nose whatsoever. Obviously our experience of reality is produced metaphysically, thus what is exposed by light in the ‘physical’ and experienced via the eyes is simply that one limited aspect of the nervous system, whilst physical ‘feeling’ is another altogether. Here’s another diagram to show how the nose is physically felt in awareness (black outline in centre) in relation to how the nose is seen through the eyes. It’s strange because when you experience the disassociation between seeing the nose and how it’s actually felt in physical reality, you’re sort of left knowing that you never are actually seeing the nose, you just have these two big phantom shadows of it that appear and disappear in your spacial awareness. Although the images do exist in experience, it’s also weird because they don’t actually block vision because the eyes still receive the light from all other surrounding objects, but it definitely does feel that way say when trying to read and you have this shadow floating in front of you distracting your attention. (it doesn't help that I have a reasonably large nose) And this is the reason this has become an issue for me is because I find it incredibly distracting. Obviously this was never an issue before in my life, and my ability to see is also exactly the same as before (besides now after awakening becoming spatially aware, and experiencing what seems an increase in peripheral vision/awareness). But now it feels like something that I am constantly aware of and distracted by. I guess before I was fully aware of them, being distracted by or seeing them wasn’t even really option; I simply did not know they were there, and my experience was more so of a 'me looking out' past the nose rather than awareness. The brain actually ‘edits out’ these shadows of the nose, so before becoming fully aware of their existence (and how they aren’t actually attached to my face) I guess I would just freely look around not noticing them or shrugging it off with a thought like ‘just seeing my nose’ if one of them was seen - now I swear it’s like they’re always there right in front of me, haunting me to no end. This is especially when say reading or on the computer, or when talking to people up close, I find my attention constantly drifting towards the fact that these shadows are there and I notice them and I resist them a lot – to the point where I can feel a lot of tension building in my face, eyes, and around my nose due to the resistance. I’ve actually had nights when trying to watch something on the computer and I end up just having to go to bed because the physical tension from looking at the screen and being distracted by the awareness of my nose right in front of me is too much to handle and too frustrating. There’s really no context or orientation for these damn things because they aren’t even in relation to your face – like in the diagram above, the image you see of the right side of your nose is basically experienced where the left side actually exists, it’s bizarre. It’s kind of like driving, and you’re able to look around in all directions outside of your car, but you never noticed there was a windscreen there, and then one day you do, except the windscreen is always there attached to your face and you never noticed you were ‘seeing through it’. As far as I can tell it’s one of those scenarios really with no solution. Clearly the ability of my attention/sight is no different to how it was before, and everything I do to try and overcome attention on these shadows is only adding to my resistance towards them. As I discovered you can’t consciously aim to forget about them, if I do try to ‘look away from them’ or ‘see past them’, I’m still reacting in relation to them and I just end up focusing on it as being a problem more and my attention is pulled to it (as opposed to just seeing whatever object without a thought or any attention about the nose shadows at all). It’s a paradox because ‘forgetting about it’ only happens when it’s not a problem and there’s nothing to try and forget about. I know I’ve probably made this seem like something I’ve blown way out of proportion, but I was almost going to post on actualized.org about this like 8 months ago, but thought I'd wait and just hoped it would go away, and that i wouldn't make an issue of it anymore. I couldn’t believe when I had messaged this awakening teacher on facebook about the problem initially for some help back at that time haha it really is ridiculous. But I just can’t ignore the fact that it’s still bothering me after all this time... If anyone could shed some light on how I can handle this, or if you’ve had any sort of similar experience, that would be greatly appreciated! Thanks Note – it’s kind of funny because just as I’m about to post this I’ve noticed someone else made a post about ‘the headless way’ about an hour ago. This has pretty much been my main form of contemplation over the years, and how the mind exists within the space of what we ordinarily would call the outer physical world. I guess I just didn't realise it would have the same affect for my nose too

For the first time the Lords Prayer is understood, it is a sacrifice, a perfect meditation upon the truth, to bring the ego to order, or rather... slay it completely into a forced submission towards the truth of the ground upon which it was able to grow legs in the first place Pray then like this: 'Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven....’

Surrender to the current of the being No longer trying to stand apart Recognition in and of itself of absolute divinity the absolute divine In its kingdom you will be undone As I sit here I see it, in the absolute divine, my hat comes off to Leo who is able to withstand the sheer power of it to the point of near physical death, but at that point, it almost doesn’t even matter There is so much talk now of ‘mahasamadhi’ and states of consciouness and what defines enlightenment Leave all the games behind Recognise that the power that brought you here to even play these games in the first place is an absolute mystery, in which we stand.. naked and vulnerable always and forever in which there isn’t even a we to stand it is absolute, divinity regardless of how far you venture into it, just to stand at the starting line as a body is breathtaking if this can be seen, no journey is even required there’s no one left to go on a journey from the starting point salute

@Markus Thank you

@Edogowa Conan Funny side note on the snake ring.. I actually bought one and was wearing it for a while but in the end I took it off. What it meant and represented psychologically in a way became a road block for me because.. as I have learnt, the whole spiritual process is unconditional surrender and letting go.. Yet I was carrying with me an object that literally held the meaning in my mind of "holding on to the body and not surrendering". I also was carrying the belief that the ring was actually doing something.. i.e. by wearing it you basically have to believe it's keeping you bound to the body. It was like wearing a spiritual safety harness. The whole thing felt weird, counter-intuitive and just a bit off to me (also considering that by wearing it I was enforcing the belief I had in this mahasamadhi business to a greater extent... not that it's not a real phenomenon, but for anyone that doesn't have the perception of sadhguru, it is literally only a belief, there's no perceived reality of the snake ring binding the soul to the body or something along those lines). I assume this sort of thing would be why Sadhguru stated that he never told anyone why they had to wear the ring when going to the ashram, he just made them wear it. It would obviously be different for him if (I can only assume) he is actually in a state of perception where he somehow sees the interaction between consciousness, energies, the copper ring.. how it works etc. (again I'm only speculating), but for anyone else it's just a belief to be carried around.

@Speedscarlet As I find myself repeatedly saying haha, "Hence my concern."

@Leo Gura Thanks for getting back to me. Yes, I have certainly found death to be the key 'theme' of enlightenment & realisation as I move forward. Contemplation of it (and thus disillusionment of the ego) has really been the key factor in my ability to go deeper (and dis-identify with the body-mind on greater levels) in this journey. I once heard it said by a teacher (I believe it was Adi Da) that we basically live in a world that is in complete utter denial of death, everyone is walking around pretending that their experience isn't temporary and that death isn't real. He almost defines the ego itself as a denial of death (and hence a denial of reality), and that death should be faced in every moment by becoming aware of the body (and thus the fact/limit of mortality) in full. The 'jump to consciousness' then happens on it's own accord when death is realised and surrendered to. With mahasamadhi I am basically on the same page, I feel as though it is exaggerated but at the same time I'm forced to believe in it when a guy like Saddy G makes the call. It's just that (as someone else pointed out in a reply), he goes on about it occurring accidentally, not purposefully, in many of the videos, hence my concern. But I had wondered that about the dead body scenario in retreats etc... and also the fact that there are so many other 'liberated' teachers alive and well.. and I guess that is certainly enough evidence not to reject it, but for it to be of no concern. I guess it's just that, like many others on here, pretty well all of my spiritual education has come via the teachers such as sadhguru on the internet... and before you know it a few years later down the road you find yourself neck deep in some very extreme experiences without anyone else to really relate them to or gauge whether this beginner stuff or you're getting in the deep end. It was really until I started having these more death-like experiences that I gauged 'shit is real' and started to relate this mahasamadhi matter back to myself and my experience.

@Monkey-man Yes, to an extent, but I am very aware of when I am identified with it, and i am in a simultaneous state of witnessing (even when this happens) most if not all of the time - but I am by no means completely free of it or not at all identified with it. I know a lot of people claim being the witness as sort of 'winning the enlightenment game' but I don't mean it like that, it just becomes fact of the matter and in a way sticks with me through all experience.. You also then begin to realise how strange even the sense of normalcy is that comes with being in the ego state, the fact that it is a thing.. As I sort of stated in a previous post, the 'key to enlightenment' at any given moment becomes clearer and clearer the deeper I go.. You come into full consciousness by 'unreserved letting go of every and all form'.. For example, I can be out with my friends and it is very very real that I am a man in my early 20's drinking and socialising, but then I can go home, sit on my couch and surrender everything at once, and not long after the whole reality of this person disappears like a dream. I find the back and forth from ego to consciousness is very strange and kind of fucked though I am still very early in the journey, there are so many levels to ego death and identification, it is unreal.

Other than the links I have already provided.. further resources on the matter: Sadhguru stating that 99% of enlightened beings leave their body at the moment of enlightenment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfxpfEYUv9g&t=55s Sadhguru on the mahasamadhi of his wife.. and further re-iterating how a copper ring keeps those in intense sadhana bound to their body (preventing mahasamadhi): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eck61Qiu4aM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFlPvKM_qYo Further elaboration.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06KOG4IonVs&t=1s

Just an interesting update on this one.. For some time (and to be honest, even still now to some extent..), the fear of this whole mahasamadhi scenario was holding me back from going deeper spiritually. As stated in the initial post, every time I would sit to be still & surrender, whether soberly or on a psychedelic, I just couldn't come to terms with the idea that total surrender to existence could potentially kill me. I was really, really put off by this. Ultimately I had to confront what I discovered was the ego’s ultimate fear... extinction, death and loss of all form. The whole situation ultimately became like a zen riddle for me.. I had to confront the question.. 'do I still want ultimate bliss and liberation if paradoxically it means I have to risk leaving my entire life & body behind?'. The issue for me is that I have experienced such profound spiritual states that nothing else in the world could ever satisfy me or scratch the surface in comparison, yet here I was.. confronted with the paradox that the one thing I wanted and craved so badly could also be the end of me, figure that? After much contemplation, I finally came to the stage where I managed to ‘say yes to death’ in an unreserved way, I really had no choice and I just couldn't fight it anymore. I'd really put a lot of psychological pressure on myself over this one, because I take my contemplation and understanding of life very seriously, and if there's a stone left unturned I can't help but try and turn the fucking thing over and claw at the dirt until I get to the bottom of what's under there (not by choice, it's just how I am.. these things will spin in my mind until i reach some conclusion or understanding). Anyway, in this moment after saying yes to death, like really saying yes.. and then passing through immense fear and terror, I then slipped into the most profound state I have ever touched upon. I had absolutely no body, no mind, and was just floating in the sea of infinity, and at the same time i was the sea, it felt like I had really in a sense died because everything I knew as my self, my body and my life on earth was gone, and it was beyond beautiful. Obviously I came back to life after this experience, but in that moment I had to let go beyond any guarantee that I would – maybe this is then what is required for true enlightenment? Continuous, ever-present, unequivocal and unreserved letting go of every and all form. It is clear to me that there is no death, in regards to the source of experience itself, the soul. But still, in regards to this matter of mahasamadhi.. I guess the 'belief' I hold in it as a possibility still somewhat haunts me. I know the real self doesn't die, but I'm plagued by the concern that I'll accidentally leave this body forever, against my will.. and even after this experience the idea of it still brings up strong resistances for me. I keep trying to let go beyond this fear of death, which I am able to at times.. I even remind myself that there is nothing to guarantee I'll be alive in the next hour anyway, and I aim to surrender beyond all this, but still.. what is really missing here for me is just an overall understanding, a conflict in knowledge & experience I guess you'd say.. @Leo Gura - care to share some wisdom on this one? (just to re-iterate, I'm not someone that holds on to and bows down to each and every word of a guru, but I most certainly trust Sadhguru as a legitimately knowledgeable and enlightened being, and this piece of information about mahasamadhi in particular has just been difficult to dismiss).

**Side note / post** - very intriguing story on the matter... https://www.ramdass.org/death-lsd-maharaji/ " Death, LSD & Maharaji Posted March 1, 2015 I had brought a picture with me of a boy who had died in America under strange circumstances. In 1968 he had come to see me in New Hampshire and had become one of my first students of yoga. He would come and visit each week and he immediately absorbed everything I shared with him of what I had learned in India. I had eventually wanted to send him to Hari Dass, but he had preferred to go to live in a cave in Arizona to continue his sadhana. I had taught him all I could, but he wrote me letters and checked in every few months during the winter of 1968-69. I didn’t hear from him for a while and later learned he had died in a cave. His mother had shared with me his final diary entries, which were most unusual. I suspected that the final diary entry had been entry had been written while he was under the influence of LSD. The story was that he had been found dead with blood coming out of his nose and that there was blood on the wall. Perhaps he had been doing pranayam (yogic breathing practice) and had burst a blood vessel. The entries were as follow: “Ramana Maharshi and my guru are both navigating my maha samadhi…no worry…I am in infinite bliss…and will guide you from within…right Ram Dass and tell him the good news that I have no longer to undergo sadhana…and there…Love, love…I know what is happening, also the guru is with me inside…know that I left the body completely identified with Jesus…Jesu esta conmigo. Yo estoy en su corazon…con guru.” I had promised his mother that when I was next with Maharajji I would ask him about his son. At the appropriate time I fetched what had been his high-school graduation picture and handed it to Maharajji. He peered at it closely and said, “He’s not in his body.” “That’s right, Maharajji.” “He died from taking medicine.” “Aha, I thought so.” (This implied to me that he had not indeed entered true samadhi but had probably done pranayam while on LSD.) But then Maharajji, apparently understanding my doubts, said, “No, it is alright. He will not take rebirth. He finished his work. Now he is one with Christ. He loved you very much. He cried about you.” Maharajji was silent for some time and then he added, “You should tell his mother she should not worry, he is with Christ. He is watching over her. He finished his work.” (Maharajji had quoted exactly the words of the diary [never having seen it], and he had showed me that under certain circumstances LSD could be the vehicle for returning to God.) Then Maharajji sat silently with eyes closed. The moment was one of great power. ~Ram Dass "

I know this to be true, and have experienced it deeply and profoundly (I say experience because Oneness that deep doesn't abide to that degree all the time). I know the death of this body will not be the end, however I guess speaking theoretically 'there's still a lot I wish to do with this incarnation' haha.

@cetus56 That is true, I have actually heard a few stories like that.. I'm not sure if you're familiar but that kind of reminds me of the Johnny Cash story, from memory it was a similar situation where he'd been with his wife for a lifetime and they both passed together within a short space of time. Obviously the desire to live had truly fallen away, much like the case with your Mom it seems (thanks for sharing some insight with that story as well). - I think that is a great and concise explanation of what is going on here.. I remember seeing the video where Sadhguru tells that story, it may have also been in this one (video below) where he tells a story of how he helped an elderly man perform his mahasamdhi in front of a small crowd including police officers, who had come after hearing this man 'was going to commit suicide' haha, thought that was quite funny. I've heard him talk about this 'final conscious exiting whilst alive' many times.. not just in relation to others but to himself and his advanced practitioners as well (pretty sure there was another story as well where he was scrambling to find some food to keep him in desire/the body, otherwise he says he would've slipped out). I know it's definitely in this one wear he talks about the use of the copper ring I mentioned in my initial post... - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSthgmU3xtE

@Nahm - you're right, and whilst that is true, i guess the paradox is that if you go deep into meditation without carrying fear of it.. then the possibility exists right? haha.. a bit of a ridiculous proposition, i know, but an interesting thought nevertheless. I guess you wouldn't say to 'consciously carry the fear of it' to prevent it happening, maybe you could say more along the lines of keeping attached to bodily desires..? it makes me wonder if one was about to cross that line if they'd be aware they were about to do so, and whether or not there would be some sort of choice in the matter?

bump

@Azrael mate. when I was reading your story the other night, I literally could not believe the amount of parallels and similarities to my journey over the past few years. I started off just skim reading it at like 2am and before I knew it I was sitting up wide eyed reading the whole thing. Obviously, many awakening/realization journeys are going to be very similar, it's the fundamental human adventure, but I swear it was almost like reading my own exact account of what I've been through haha. I'd really like to do a full in depth reply when i get some time over the next few weeks and share my story as well, thanks for sharing yours.

@Key Elements Osho is a true master haha. Both him and Adi Da Samraj I listen to a lot..

Sorry for the late response @Prabhaker I didn't think I was getting more replies! "If you treat it as a problem, you can never get rid of it. If you start finding its solutions, you will become obsessed. " What you said is 100% on point, and is exactly what has happened. You're also correct about the problem being existential, it absolutely is. And no I haven't tried his dynamic meditation, I think for where I'm at it's probably a really good idea. I'm at the stage where basically, I feel like I'm dying in a way. I have realised that every inch of this body and mind, all memory, everything that is experienced through the senses, even inwardly/energetically, it is all completely temporary, as good as gone and lost already, to the extent that nothing feels 'real' in a way now, life literally feels more like the substance of dreams, produced within the reality of the brain, and every moment, every memory, every experience will disappear forever and this is the reality! simultaneously as anything exists it is just as much a reality of it disappearing forever, the two go together. i've seen that consciousness/reality is the prior state, within which a body is born as an experiencing machine for the One and there is no time. What I find is that as I go along and go deeper, gaining this understanding and expanding outwards from the thoughts/mind, I become very very attached to the theoretical and conceptual understanding of all of this (not that I'm not experiencing it, trust me I'm not pretending), it just feels like I can't fully 100% let go into the reality of it. It feels like if I let go of this intellectual understanding etc. then I really will die, like it's the last thing I have left to define myself by, as a mind that understands reality. I find myself going in waves, where I reach the rock bottom, the letting go giving up point.. then I turn to spirit more fully after this because there is no where else to go.. then I penetrate my understanding of reality even further, have some far out experiences, but as I go through the 'up' cycle and become more conscious, i simultaneously build up and become attached to my deeper contemplation/understanding, and reach the point where it's like I choose this over fully letting go... and head back into the down cycle of darkness and frustration... The other day, it felt like the gravitational pull of the mind broke, and my attention was floating freely between objects, I hadn't felt so free from the ego before, but.. I went back again, it was like I couldn't give it up...Now I guess my ego is running out of things to control, and is resorting to very insignificant things to cling to, clinging to itself much more strongly, followed by waves of letting go much more deeply.. I even couldn't believe the other day for example.. I was in deep contemplation/meditation, and as i was finishing up before getting up to go do something else a real deep question struck me.. And I noted it in my mind as something I wanted to contemplate deeply and really penetrate later that night. Of course, i forgot the question! And it followed me for 3 days, I resisted the fact that this question was gone completely and I had no control over it. Could not remember it for the life of me. I could'nt believe how hard i was clinging to something so insignificant, felt like i was losing a part of me. It felt like a 'recoil' for the fact that I know every thought is already as good as lost now. Sorry to ramble, I guess this place is a good venting spot for me..

@Prabhaker and at least for me, no answers thanks for the replies everyone, I know it really just comes down to my level of resistance and condemnation towards it = how much I am focused on and distracted by it, I have to be able to totally accept it and return from mind to awareness where it is already accepted. I knew this from the start but I guess at least this forum post was getting that last little 'maybe someone else can help' option out of my mind. It's just easier said than done, this issue has caused me A LOT a suffering and resistance hahaha, it really is hilarious when reading through my description of what I'm going through, I can imagine what everyone thinks when reading it.. there are certainly much greater issues in the world.. Again though, this is just simply what I'm going through, it's a nuisance, so I tried my luck on here

Hey! This is my first post here on the actualized.org forums. I stumbled across Leo's vids about a year and a half ago just after I had my first awakening experience. In the first video I watched of Leo's about enlightenment, I was amazed at how similar his description of one of his experiences was to mine and I've been watching his videos ever since (his description of the wave of mini insights building upon each other, leading to one huge OMG! - afterwhich, for me, was followed by an outpour of laughter haha). Since the initial discovery, I have had many profound experiences of my true nature and non-dual awareness. I continue to meditate and absorb consciousness/non-duality/spirituality related content every day. The section between the dotted lines is just to give an idea of some of the experiences I've had! Feel free to skip ....... - A peak experience on LSD approximately 6-7 months ago, experienced what I would have described as a complete non dual state, I felt like all my ideas and identity whatsoever had been completely shattered, my sense of being permeated out into complete emptiness all around me, the crown chakra above my head opened up and I had extremely bright blue light emanating from a region 6-12 inches above my head, I also had orange light emanating out from my whole body, literally felt like my body was going to slip away, almost like skin being shed. My normal sense of thought became so foreign towards the end of the trip that the idea struck me that I wouldn’t be able to adjust to normal reality again (which lead to a brief freak out that I was able to overcome haha) - About 3 weeks after this experience I went to a friends house who has an amazing view basically overlooking my entire city, I had 1 very large bong hit of marijuana and straight after this walked out towards the view (whilst he went inside briefly so I was by myself), once I approached the edge and looked out, it was as though reality itself hit me again and I slipped into pure awareness. The crown chakra, which I had experienced on LSD, completely opened up again and I had bright blue light pouring out from the space above my head, it literally felt as though my head completely opened up and touched the sky. It was remarkable. My whole body merged with space, and I could feel literally feel it all, like my body had become a beacon within space. I could feel and percieve energy rippling all around me. Bliss overcame me and the whole experience lasted about 5 minutes, was unreal. - More recently whilst meditating my entire body slipped into full orgasm for about 5-10 minutes (was not even aware that this was possible), it was as though the energy of existence itself was entering me through my head and exiting out of my pelvic regions. Literally flowing through me, like being fucked by the cosmos and in turn it's energy exiting out of me back into it. Another overwhelming and amazing experience. - It's actually interesting how this came about, i was being sucked down a mind pattern that was causing me tremendous fear and i was resisting it hard, and then i surrendered completely to it and didn't run anymore, and boom i felt my heart open right up and the rest followed... - during many of these experiences, i've experienced thought and the 'me' entity from such a distance it's been unreal, purely perceiving the words and ideas of it floating in space itself, it's crazy how unbelievably different thought itself can seem from the rest of reality (especially in relation to nature and the physical world) .......... My question is mainly related to the idea of liberation. For me in day to day experience, I am completely aware of how I 'don't have a head', this region is pure space connected with the outer, and thoughts happen in this space located above my body (open eyes meditation and really observing how there is no 'seer', only the seen and my space amongst it, has been my favored form of meditation). I'm not saying I don't get caught in the egoic state, I absolutely do haha, and I feel 100x more sensitive to it now. There's a huge difference when you're identified with the thoughts and they feed on the bodies emotions. In fact, in the last 6 months I have struggled way more with egoic issues and fears coming up and gripping me than ever before. I often get caught and attached into perceiving it all as a serious problem to be solved rather than a play to be enjoyed. However, every time I find myself in nature now, or dedicating time for meditation/stillness, I find I am always able to rest in my being and experience this space . Yesterday for example, just sitting silently with my eyes closed and feeling my body, the boundaries completely dissipated and I found my breath taken away and my being merged in space again. Now as with most people, I'm still struggling to integrate the seeing of this reality fully as a mind & emotional body. I find most days are just like a roller coaster in and out of identification with the mind, unconscious to conscious, slipping into egoic states where I very easily begin to become frustrated at going through the same garbage patterns (like oh fuck me.. not this shit again.. i thought i was done with this x1000), then all of a sudden switch to noticing literally everything changing within my space and it is 100% clear to me that I am the changeless/timeless under all the change again. Hence, going through this roller coaster all the time, at this part of the journey i can't help but be in the habit of every day going about my life just longing to return to the deeper meditation/stillness again so I can gain that clarity. There's also like this underlying motivation of 'if I just keep resting deeply in being I will keep clearing up the garbage egoic stuff i carry', and that seems to me like the only real goal or progress there can be. However it just feels like this has been going on so long now and isn't even really going anywhere anymore. It's frustrating because it is so, so clear that this awareness is what I am, and there truly is no progress to be made with it. It only feels as though i need to work towards liberation in a sense, simply dropping more and more of the minds attachments. Only it doesn't seem that's even happening a lot of the time, or at many times that the egoic states/reactions get even worse! It just feels like that roller coaster is going round and round and then I wind up in deeper clarity for certain periods of the day, in and out etc. In this sense it feels like part of my awakening is missing, but at the same time i know it's not and can't be. Whenever I hear teachers like adyashanti, mooji, osho, sadhguru ..or even Leo and Martin in the recent video describe what the state of liberation is like.. I feel that this is exactly what I'm after and what I'm missing, and I feel that at the same time I've had a taste of this freedom and living from this state many, many times. Literally there has been countless times over the past year, listening to adyashanti describe liberation where I genuinely feel so close to it or that I even have what he is talking about... Now finally to my point, specifically in regards to Leo - when I hear someone like Leo say that they still aren't liberated, and still have more dissolving to do, even after all his experiences of oneness and understanding he no doubt has, (even doing 5-Meo multiple times for god sake), it literally just makes me want to give up completely at even hoping my egoic attachments and states of mind will dissipate haha. It makes me feel as though.. every time I might feel I am close in a way to this liberation that I will only be deluding myself. I know the reality is that Leo is a completely separate being to me and I have truly no idea what he might be experiencing in comparison to me, and that I am my own individual being and there's nothing say that liberation is not possible for me or that i'm not close (like as in... I shouldn't make a a belief that it can't be done just because of where Leo says he's at) - but at the same time.. even just logically, if someone who has had such extreme experiences and understanding still has much dropping of the ego to do, and he still knows he isn't truly liberated, it just makes my situation feel hopeless again, and that this state of liberation that these guys and teachers like adyashanti talk about might not even be possible, regardless of the fact that the self has been crystal clear to me so, so many times. Like I've had states where, even just the other day for example when I went for a swim in the ocean, it was literally as though "holy shit, wow, i am literally just the pure empty substance of reality, the sky itself, with four limbs dangling down from nothingness, nothingness inhabiting a body experiencing and feeling the beauty of this water, expanding outwards in all directions across the ocean, the mind & emotions, whatever that means, just dancing inside of this" - then a day later i'm in pure anger or have some fear I'm going crazy or something like this hahaha. The shift between extremes, and polar opposite paradigms/perceptions of reality can drive me nuts sometimes I tell ya. The difference between such a paradigm and the egoic one just feels so huge, and these days when I get caught in the egoic states sometimes it can be really horrible, like I can get caught in deeply despising it in a way. I feel like I still hold the illusion that something great has to happen so that I will fully embody the self and be done with the ego... Which both does and does not seem to be the case when I know I can only be the self, and have experienced it many, many times. So again.. I just don't see what more can be done other than simply returning to nature/meditation, listening to teachers and forgetting all the garbage for as much time as possible. Sorry for the overload/rambling, but if anyone, or hopefully even Leo himself could shed more light on liberation that would be great. I'm feeling close to that "i completely give up" point that martin describes and just taking a huge fkn puff of 5-meo and ending this nonsense for good haha (but I probably won't due to fear ) Thanks!

Thanks everyone for the replies so far! I think I needed that reminder @Leo Gura about walking the path and not being concerned about outcome - I guess what other choice do we have right? Out of interest though, in regards to yourself, within your moment to moment experience of life, including that of your mind/thoughts, what quality makes you sure you aren't liberated? As in what aspect of your experience confirms that to you, and what might you expect the difference to be within the 'full liberation' so to speak? Also thanks a lot @NTOgen for all the info and resources! I will definitely check these out! What you've said in regards to where I'm at seems very accurate so I really appreciate the reply. It's like... in those truly non-dual states, or even just clear perception of reality, it is so clear that there is one intelligence governing and flowing through all of it and that you are a part of it, so the answer always seems to come back to a full letting go and surrender to yourself specifically in regards to the play of the changing, just being aware of it - however I just struggle with clarity in regards to being this mind/body that can seemingly take action and make decisions, as well as the consciousness that sees it all, and how this all ties in together. It all used to seem so so clear especially to begin with, because it was like.. you make this amazing discovery, and it all seems to tie in with the spiritual teachings and concepts so easily and so well. But as you go on and your whole perception of reality shifts/changes more and more, you see you're no longer the 'spiritually awake person' but more just a 'what the hell is actually going on here person' - and in that matter the teachings and concepts that you cling to become more and more useless in clearing it all up, and all the seeming contradictions within it all can sometimes be a bit of a nightmare. It's guess it's just that the differences between the egoic state and it's issues, tied in with non-dual perception, can be quite confusing. - Also, not that it really matters but I assume in regards to your point about Leo mentioning 'mastery' he is just reinforcing the point about walking the path rather than chasing a goal. Sometimes I guess we just need that big picture reminder. One exercise I sort of stumbled across myself is simply changing the paradigm (of how reality is viewed) from this body having a mind, to viewing the mind as an aspect of the whole reality itself - as this space of reality IS what it is happening within. When I see this fact it usually always causes a shift out of the more egoic state for me, and really is a completely different way of seeing things. Just an interesting thing I thought I might share, any thoughts on that? I'll update this thread at some stage down the track to let you guys know how I go and just for other readers' interest. I also plan on using these forums a lot more, especially considering how great the people/replies are on here!