Svartsaft

Ok. Its been 10 frustrating non rewarding months. I still dont get it. And im starting to realize i just wont get it ever. Even if i dont want to belive it. I keep comming up with these concepts of how meditation is done. But its just that. Ideas and more bullshit ideas that dont reflect what im doing in the slightest. Whats realy going on is me just sitting there. Trying to used my mind to get out of my mind. Over and over again. Its not until i hit a wall of frustration that the mind actualy give up. It simply dosnt happen from me trying. Its the opposite. I will still do this for whatever reason. It dosnt even mather. Trying to let thoughts go. In order to achive what? Wtf is the aim here? No be please.

As a kid. I could drift away into fantasy land all the time. I was still happy. And i wasnt unconditionally happy. But happy and loved life. Now i hate the world, myself. Fuck sake. How did we get so fucked up. Im not alone in that i know.

But they cant draw you somewere else. How would that even be possible. And if they can. Then thats the now.

Wtf are you talking about. The content can sure be about the futre or past. But your still stuck in the present. Mind and everything. Why? Becouse its all there is. And how is daydreaming not reality? Its happening ffs. Its experienced.

Oh so thats the point. To just be in the present. Need to stop those pesky timetravels. No i dont get that. To truly be accepting of reality. How can one achive that by constantly trying to modify it. If i eat and think about something else. Isnt it more accepting of reality to just let it be that way? Becouse that is my experience. Thats whats going on. To me. It seems like putting in effort is the opposite of what im trying to achive. And just give up is right. And the only way to realy be all accepting. I feel like the point of meditation in reality is to get so frustrated and done with it that give up and fall down into nothingness and true acceptance. But its just another theory to try and get over. But thats what seems to happen. You get a grasp of what you think you should do. And with time you realize that it dosnt hold up. So you modify the concept of how to meditate. But that still dosnt hold up. Until its so frustrating you give up all concepts and just are.

I realy cringe at the thought of it. I cant barly write it. May you be lovet and peace full and so on. That meditation. Is it wor th putting time into. Or is it just nonsensens? Could i just go May you be sad May you be sick May you be hated? Or does love and healthy and happy mather? Does it work is what im asking.

Sometimes or often. I find my self escaping into some fantasy about being famous or admirerd or being super human or stuff like that. Hockey pro, super soldier, artist. Iv started to think. Is that damaging to my self esteem? To have these idiolised images of how i wish i were all the time. Becouse i feel like absolut garbage all the time. I realy feel like im just a huge fail as a human. Realy massive fail. I sometimes find myself engagera in fantasis about being some extrodinary enlightened meditation master. And it feels like it ruins actual meditation. I feel kind of desperate in getting better to. I realy feel like just blowing my brain out from time to time and have suicide attempts every now and then. Im sure it will happen again. I feel so low it dosnt even mather what i do. Becouse it will change nothing about how i see my self. Iv done every drug there is. And generally irresponsible behaviours while driving etc just for the kicks without any regard for anything. I feel like i truly dont care about anyone else. And that kind of bathers me and not. Becouse ser other people having this sort of connection with others that just cant have. Even the wish to care more is just for me. I dont actualy care at all. I even went as far as to almost joining isis or some extremist group like that just to be part of anything. And get killed. Im desperate to get enlightend and thats not gonna happen comming from that position of mind im sure. But i just cant deal with it. I meditate like crazy just to get by. Becouse if i didnt i would go nuts in mather of days. Iv given up on life in a way. But still not. Im just getting by i dont actualy think i be getting somewere tho. I dont even bather trying. I just think that with time and daily meditation mayby i be alright. So i just go with that for now and just hope things will solve them selfs. I dont expect anyone to give a shit. But it was nice to get it out. Have nice day.

I totaly get what your talking about. I get that to during intense trips. It feels like the stephen about just suffering. But your actualy feeling so sick by a belife you puke.

Totaly makes sense. Great idea.

Thanks. I keep that in mind.

Hm. To be a little bit encourging. I think can put your self in a position were you are forced to surrender. But for me personaly its been by accident. Whops to mutch lsd. Whops locked in a pitch black basement by accidently thowing out from inside. That was a mess. Or whops locked up in the most violent "prison" in sweden. Those times were horrible and surrendering. There i started to meditate. Good luck. Or bad realy ?

Its not a metaphor at all. You cant give it a shot.

If you want to surrender your not actualy surrendering. Just give it up.

You dont say

If it not fun. Mayby you should just give up.

Mayby you should give up.

Mayby you should give up.

Is it? Is it realy pointless?

I dont prepair. Mayby you can i dont care. I dont try anything at all. I just take alot of. I mean ALOT of mushrooms or whatever i have. Lsd or 1p-LSD. Got my enlightment experience with 1p-lsd and etizolam. It didnt stick but i know what am going for.

Its soon time for librity Bells. Look out for them. Good stuff.

Thanks for the lol

And the leg thing. Just streatch out the legs. It wont ruin the session.

Iv had that to doing 45min everyday. It seems to be a part of getting better. I dont see why you should cut back. Eventually it pass and for every hard time that will happen. You learn to be less and less resistent. Its realy a great time now for some bigger gains if your into that. Those hard Times is absolutly critical points when improving in anything. To take to the next level.

Realy intrested to hear your thoughts on cbt.

Im going with my initial thought. Awesome. Go for it. If you want to do it. Then do it. That what i think.