Svartsaft

Ok so i have been practising sds 45min everyday for mounths working my way up to that time from 30min. Now the discomfort has became overwhelming and i just cant seem to find a good pose that dosnt feel like its doing damage to neck and shoulders. I can barly do 15 min now. Im so pissed off about it. I feel like i just wasted time trying to learn something yet again. I have notice that my back seem to twist to the right after about 15 min and arms go numb and a shooting pain in the spine. Its alot worse with time. Not as i hoped at all. That it would get better and better with time. Its just got worse. Any suggestions? Im cutting down to 15min now and see if i can figure out the posture. Im so pissed and dissapointed in having to do that after all hard work.

Meditation. I start with meditation. I thought it would make me better. Cure me. Dissolve my insecurities. Make me emotionally strong. Nope. It dose nothing. But frustrate me. Thats it. Sure moments of feeling good happens too. But it seem to me like a huge waste of time. Im very unhappy with life. To say the least. Doing meditation seem useless in that regard. Therapy dosnt work. Medication dosnt work. And now meditation dosnt work. Well fuck this shit. Nothing works. This year. Well fuck this year. Everyone abandoned me. Everyone. Becouse im not good enough. Ok. Fine. Started meditating like crazy. Again. So to get emotinally stable. Not be that needy. Feel good about myself. Raise my personal value. So people will want me in their life. Noone dose. I was conviced people were going to kill me this year too. After everyone abandoned me. It was horrible. I snapped from the stress. Got more and more aggressive to the point i told people go fuck yourself. I kill you. Alot of threats. This all happend while meditating for hours every day i might add. Fuck sake what a useless practice. What a waste of time. I think it will be best if i just end my life now. Its been terrible sense forever. I think i do it tomorrow. I have no choice. I hate life. And i hate being hopelessly alone in life and in pain that never fucking ends. Thats all.

Alot of desperatly alone people here it seems. In toxic relationships. Stalking. Needy. And they all do meditation? Follow whatever is going on here? It makes me lose hope that meditation will help me at all. Im in alot of pain from being completly alone. Should i meditate? Or do i seek out other people? I realy cant. Insecure. I thought meditation would make me better. It bathers me somewhat seeing what people write in here. The fuck? I just assume they meditate.

Is it a good idea? I notice i can sit for an hour. I could. Im realy pissed off right now becouse of something completly diffrent. But then i just cant anymore. Was going for 1,5h didnt make it. Realy pissed me off. Alot of things realy piss me of. But that just pissed me off. So ok fine. 1hour. But i cant anymore. Fuck sake i have a problem doing 15-20min. So i thought. Should i just. Fuck how ever long i sit. Just as long as i can handle? Everytime. Is that better or worse? I feel like if i set a time. It will just end up with me being realy pissed off. That i cant. But why the fuck cant i anymore? Why the fuck could i sit there for an hour before? And then. Nope. This shit seem 1. Impossible to improve. 2. The only fucking choice i have in life or i blow my brains out. Seriously. Is it like this? I thought the progress what somewhat liniar? Any thoughts on that? Also. Im mentally realy unwell. Psycosis. Horrible agression. Pain thats just insane. No therapy has ever worked. Nothing has worked ever. So this is the last thing iv got before i just blow my brains out on life. And then i look at people like fucking ben. Sitting and smiling guy. Cool. He must be sane. Nope. Haha. He sitts for 8hours like its nothing. And is fucking wierd. As a person. So it got my hopes down hard. But i see no other ways. Besides blowing my brains out.

Im sorry last post was kind of a mess. But to everyone that practice just sitting. Be honest. Have it improved your mental well being? Again. I look at people like sitting in smiling. He sits for 8hours. But mostly 4. And he seem pretty strange of a person. Not mentally well at all. But he seem pretty lonly. Is that the problem? I am. But back to the subject. How has sitting for long periods of time changed you? Im not intrested in enlightment or anything like that. Im thinking about mental well being.

I dont get the obsession with being in the present moment. Its nice to let the mind wander. To me. When i "meditate" im just practicing being still. Feel all emotions hear all thoughts. But im still. My body is still. Thats realy all i care about. Sometimes i think about stuff. Activly. It happens. I realy dont care for being more in the present moment at all. It is what it is. Im accepting that.

Honestly. I remember new years. I meditated alot. Was kinda happy. I forget. It gets realy dark at times. Today. Thinking about all the relationships that just failed. Hard. Alot of pain. But things has been getting better? Looking back? I guess. Today. I was going to meditate all day but couldnt. Intense pain all day. Turned into anger. Will sitting do me good? Whats your honest thought on that?

Yes its as useless as psycadelic drugs.

No you dont need her. At all. Make sure your happy on your own. Then you can get in a relationship. This you need her will just fuck with you. She can basically treat you how ever she please becouse you think you need her in life. Is my experience from getting crazy hurt by people. Becouse i thought i needed them. I rather die.

No i would not. Whats so damn special about her? You think about that. You talk about it being toxic. Fuck sake. How about not being in a relationship? Why not? Are you like me? Rather be within a toxic relationship than alone? Becouse you cant find happiness on your own? Just asking.

Iv been meditation everyday, often multiple times a day for 3,5years. I dont see any benefit at all. I use the technique of letting all thoughts go and im good at it. But the cake seems like a massive lie. Is this normal? Leo said in a video that after 10 years you see a massive change. But why dont i see any now? Im not less irretated. Im not less stressed. Im super depressed until the point of contemplating suicide.

Ok so im so done with all bullshit around this. This is me assuming your somehow in a realy stupid way trying to "improve" your self. Meditation is about accepting what is. would you agree? so do that. and stop this daily practis of trying to move away from it. becouse its not going to get you shit. Your not going to expand your awarness or become enlightened. its not going to happen. ever. Why? Becouse its made up. its bullshit.

Sense all this work with meditation. I am now officially Metaman. Going all over the world and going meta on everything going on. thus saving the day. Getting muggen? fear no more. Metaman will be there not attaching value to whats going on. Im now the true alpha male.

That would be a fun title.

Im closing my account. fuck this shit. you all should love me.

Woow not a single fuck is still given. not even a lol or lmao. why wont you love my awesome jokes. I hate you all.

No. you will brake the fundamental laws of nature if you try. you kill us all.

Coffee is a strong stimulant? thats news to me. seems pretty weak. both in effects and addiction. Ever tried injecting amphetamines into your veins? thats a nice powerful preformance enhancer.

Im not against meditation. iv ever said that. Im against the bullshit, enlightenment, purifying the mind etc. Becouse its pointless and sure there is emotion to it. but so what? i will keep having emotional reactions. it truly dosnt mather in the slightest. The point to all this. once you stop this bullshit of going after all this cool stuff. you will see how you already are enlightend. you will see. truly see. how things are always diffrent. never better or worse and just be fucking content in a true way. I might sound pissed of and be frustrated and all that stuff from time to time. but it no better then any other emotional state. at all. becouse i know im not the emotion thats going on. im not the reaction to it. I am nothing about it at all. When you drop your bullshit you will see that. Enlightenment is not something hard at all. its just hidden behind bullshit. and the bullshit part about enlightenment. is that its an idea in your head. it dosnt actualy exist. Its not just a word to you right? it has meaning. and as long as thats true. its just not gonna happen. thats why im saying that. your bullshit idea is not gonna happen. all these nice labels. bliss etc. not gonna happen. dosnt exist. Im never going to teach anyone how to become enlightend. becouse all that will do is keep you away from it. what it actualy is.

Im done with the bullshit around it. all bullshit.

Nonono. you always accepting. what is is. you dont have a choice. its just that you bitch so mutch about it.

No you got it.

You do realize that to absolut acceptance is absolut bullshit. Your already doing it. its not like you have a choice. and if you think you have a choice. you not actualy getting what the word means.

Your a fucking idiot. your just sitting there having a mind game.

What the fuck do you actualy want? why is it so fucking important to be at ease around people? You say you were in the military. and your still a fucking bitch. holy shit. I hope this hurts your feelings. But back to the question. what do you actualy want? pussy? being a cool guy that other guys look up to? what the fuck is the fucking gain in being chill? These are the questions you need to awnser. and ffs have a ton of psycalics. becouse you wont handle it. and you will brake down like a crying bitch. and that just what you need to get over this bullshit. This my non bullshit way of helping out.