Akeberg

I have is this really bad issue/problem/attitude that`s been a part of my life since I was around 8, 9 or 10yo. I am a steadfast (what I recognize it as) people-pleaser. This might not be the worst vice one can have but to me it has only been an increasing problem that doesn`t seem to go away no matter what I do. I can literally feel my reward-system go off on a daily basis when I encounter a situation, big or small, where I somehow manage to diminish myself in order to make another person feel a little more comfortable/happier/better off. It is KILLING me. At the same time I feel a rush of "goodness" I can also sense my head drop, my stomach churning and an instant feeling of injustice. It´s like I`m feeding off my own misery. All I want is for the other person to reward me with the "right" behavior and give me what`s "rightfully" mine without me asking. I`m terrified of owing people anything, I`d rather have them using me as a doormat than communicating my needs. This is not every situation I encounter, but a majority of them. The reason I `ve started to take notice of this is because I can not stand this self-abuse any longer. It is ridiculous. I am a proffesional actor who spends a lot of time going to auditions. This is a part of my job and I`ve accepted it. Even though I tend to be nervous, I often manage. The problem is I that can never detect beforehand when my eagerness to please is going to get the best of me. A few days ago I went to an audition where this exact thing happened. I had done my work and was well prepared. The job looked like a nice offer, but it wouldn`t be a big thing if I didn`t get it. Really there was no reason for my to be nervous other than that this was my first audition in a while. Right up until my name was called I felt calm and staedy, but as soon as I stepped into the room I went straight into panic-mode. My body was shaking, my voice quivering and my only thought was to get out of there. All of my work, preparation and self-assurance went to pieces right then and there and I felt like crying because I was so helpless. Nevertheless I finished the audition. The next day I was at work and happened to come across a co-worker who consistently hadn`t been doing her job lately and this, in turn, directly affected me. When she yet again didn`t do her assigned chores I decided to correct her politely. As soon as I had decided (but before I said anything at all) I instantly felt the same reaction in my body as I had in the audition. I started shaking, retracting and wanted to escape the situation. I still told her what she needed to do in a polite manner. I was really taken aback by the similarities of my response to what I thought were two very different situations. In hindsight I`ve been linking more and more of past encounters to the same issue. What I notice is this: I want to avoid the feeling of panic (shaking, nervousness etc.) and therefore remove the cause as soon as I notice it (by running away, hiding) It doesn`t matter if I know the person or not I don`t necessarily need something from the other person (other than that I want him/her to accept me) This has all to do with my own beliefs and nothing to do with reality I have no control over my own reaction, but I do control my actions I want to feel "good" towards others despite the feeling of shame and regret that follows Now, to tune in on my question, this is my self-actualization journey so far. Among other things, I started on it to cope with this issue. I`ve been meditating regularly for 4-5 years and daily (30 min+) for more than half a year I`ve been listening to Leo`s videos for approximately a year and so far read ten+ books on his booklist Taken into account and practiced a variety of the exercises from the videos and books I am regularly practicing shadow-work (love your sins) So far none of the above has made a significant change within me. Self-actualization of course takes time and I don`t really expect it to "work" specifically on my issue. However I feel like this is getting out of hand and the more aware I become of the problem the less I feel capable of dealing with it alone. I am thinking about getting professional help from a psychologist. My question is, when is it time to seek help from outside and when is it time to be patient with yourself? Not looking for right and wrong answers, but if anybody can relate or help I am truly grateful. This turned out to be a really long post, thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

@The Universe @Martin123 Thank you so much, all of you! I can feel the love Really grateful that people have taken the time to read and feel what I say. I feel so silly asking for help and I have to work really hard to accept that people sometimes want to give without getting back. Your response is tangible evidence of this. @Zenrik Great, I`ll give this a go at some point @TJM1959 This is my intuition too, thank you for pointing it out. I struggle with the boundaries of dependency/independence and the "neediness" that you mention is one of my biggest fears. It`s so strange to hear that other people can relate to my experience when I feel so alone with my problem (the only one out of 7.5 b people ... ) but mostly it`s great relief and comfort to know that other people share the issue. Gives me hope. Thank you. Wish all the best.

@Nahm Thank you so much! I will do this. @The Universe I will, with help from others Thank you! Grateful for your concern. The best to you too, wherever you are

@Nahm I believe you are right and I can see the problem. There`s definitely a pattern in my life. How can begin to put how I feel first? Any small steps, exercises, shifts I can make ?

@Elton I did this No apparent change. Will repeat the exercise in a couple of months.

Thank you all for your answers @Steph1988 It`s a comfort to hear that someone can relate and have experienced something similar. Better yet, gotten more or less out of it. I hear you and I agree that direct experience is the best teacher. Did you, in your approach, do this by yourself or have you ever received guidance from someone: pschyologist, teacher, other? @Bodhi123 Thank you. This is my experience as well. I`ll get to into it. Take care! @jse Thank you for your input. Although I fail to see how the exercise can alter the situation? Not giving a single fuck would be great, but aren`t there other ways that might be more effective? Where I live have rarely encountered the opportunity to help anyone across the street. I`m going to China i may, any idea what the situation is there? @Elton I have not. Where do I find the exercise?

Leo posted the "How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You" video over two years ago as of now. Has anyone in here done the exercise in its full length? I`ll be wrapping up my own challenge on december 2nd and would like to hear other people`s results from this.

@Aamir King Will do! Thank you

I don`t classify myself as having social anxiety. But I did look up the definition of social anxiety and some of it, especially about the fear of being negatively judged by others, ringed true. Being highly introverted it drains my energy to be around (roughly) 75% of the people I know, so much that in a lot of cases I try to avoid contact. Even contact I know is necessary, e.g. business-settings or family-dinners. The fear is not always a "I´m afraid of being judged" but can often be a "I`m afraid of losing my energy to someone or something unimportant". As you said, the point is to find the core issue. I`ll take a look at your post. Thank you for sharing. @Aamir King Already got Leo`s booklist and loving it. Read around ten of them so far, none of which have helped me with this issue right here. I am currently reading psycho-cybernetics and picked this book specifically because it might help. You got any tips on other books from his list I should have on standby with this topic in mind? Don´t think I ever watched the video you`re mentioning, but I`ll definitly get to it. Thank you

The first one, yes. My bad I wasn`t specific. As i said I`ll wrap up my 90 days shortly and would have to admit that the results are far from what I expected. I did not at all expect to be "cured" of caring about other people`s opinions, but I did have my hopes up for caring much less. What I found out is that yes, I care a LITTLE less about small things that can easily be "corrected". But in a much larger perspective I became even more aware of how much I care about almost EVERYTHING that happens in an interaction with another person. I also noticed that the whole feeling of "caring about other people`s opinions" were infinitely more nuanced and had so many more layers to it than I imagined. There`s a lot of stuff I believe is linked to my upbringing and early childhood, but I can`t yet put my finger on it. So here you have it. I wanted to hear from someone who completed the challenge and discuss the matter, where can I go from here? This got me so curios I wanted to learn more about the mechanics behind caring in this sense. Any books I can read about this matter? I will probably continue with Leo`s second exercise, swinging the pendulum, and keep this challenge handy whenever I feel myself slipping into old habits. Wish you all the best with rest of your challenge I am aware of this and have read a little bit about it. My struggle is that there`s a difference to knowing that people don´t really think about you and experiencing that you really don`t care. Again, any advice on what to focus on or look into would be highly appreciated.

I think this is very true! There are even other similar experiences that may overlap the issues of caring about what other people think. Here are two examples: 1. An artist/musician/writer/etc. can stop herself short in the process of making something because she already thinks about the end-product and what the response might be. She could be so afraid of the possible negative outcome (people disliking the product) that it exceeds the excitement about a possible positive outcome (people liking the product). The result being that the fear causes her not to take any chances and the product ends up being boring and characterless, even so, she might not create the product at all! 2. People who are afraid of being wrong or express their opinion. Maybe because they don`t want to come into conflict with other people or they`re afraid they`ll embarrass themselves. So yeah, the fear of... I get that you need to be detached from both the praise and critique, but how do you embody this? And another thing, when other people believe you`ve wronged them, hurt their feelings by word or action - well, this might be a stupid question - but what do you do? Apologize and reflect on it?

Thank you so much for your answers! It`s wonderful being able to discuss my questions here. Really, thank you.

I`ve been looking for a tread like this one. Grateful people have answered this. For about four years I`ve been doing meditation on a weekly basis, but inconsistently. This meditation-practice were an actual part of my studies on Method Acting (a BA-program) and the practice we did is called TRE (Tension/Trauma Realeasing Exercises) Anybody familiar with this? During this period I felt like I had several break-troughs, each break-trough containing emotional upheavals. Sometimes it was more or less clear to me what the strong reaction were about and other times I didn`t have a clue. A year ago I discovered Leo`s videos and started doing the work. It went well for a couple of months, but then I fell off track. I still meditated, but failed to do it regularly. Emotions, especially tears, were frequent whenever I did sittings. After a while I broke it off for some time. Today I`m on track and sticking to meditating again. I still consider myself a beginner and are therefore practicing the very basic stuff, starting off at 20 min per day to build up my habit. What I notice is that I often become emotional several times during one session. Sometimes it`s just for a second before the feeling changes or dissolves, but I`ve also noticed that I can get back to the same feeling by fixing my gaze at the same spot or nearby (which I would recognize as Brainspotting) I have to admit that I feel like welcoming these emotions, especially when they produce tears. When tears are released from my eyes it feels like something is being expressed or let go of. This is causing me to deliberately wanting to cry, although I try to steer away from chasing the emotion. So my question is, what do I make of emotions during meditation? Could the emotions be distracting me from whatever I need to focusing on? Are they helping me, are they signs of progress? If so, why? If not, why not?