DimmedBulb

@Lynnel I wish I was lying, but she's amazing at literally all of those. She's getting a degree in composing, piano and cello, she's published multiple books, has gotten voice actor gigs from pro animators, used to make a living off of playing games on a competitive level, owns her own business, has an IQ of roughly 180 and has read basically every book to be found in a library.

@Shin Are there any ways you know that can make habit building as easy as possible? I know I crave structure, but I find it terribly difficult to create it. I guess the reason I just spend my days watching nothing useful is just to quiet my mind, to not constantly think (which only leads to misery). I've wasted 2 years doing it and that's only counting when it was only that. Back when I still went to school I still spent the free time I had watching tv and playing video games, the latter of which stopped when I went to high school because it stopped being interesting and I just had no time in my head. Didn't see my friends at all either other than at school.

@Shin I have been hopeful in the past, sought refuge in self help, but it only made me more desperate. Where I saw others succeed, I was yielding no results. No book or piece of info could help me get a move on. I got more stuck than I was. I thought I could give it another chance, but that was just wishful thinking. The good life just isn't for everyone. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

@Shin I've tried to so many times and I failed every single time. Even lowering the bar to just meditating for one minute a day was too much. It's so demoralizing to know you're too weak to meditate for 1 minute every day, it's physically painful. I actually screwed up my only ever relationship because I wasn't good enough, too mentally weak, too unstable. That was months ago. I'm still in pain. She's got someone else now, someone better. That failure has hit me harder than anything else. I had absolutely nothing to show for, she was the one thing I took joy in, but I blew it.

Maybe I really just don't care enough. I just don't get it.

Trying to do something perfectly sounds frustrating and exhausting more than anything. You can't possibly do that with everything, nor do I have enough attention span to do so. I'd have to be interested a lot, then I can get into that flow state. But because I'm depressed, I feel apathy for almost everything, so I can't focus on anything either.

I don't think I have that. Everything feels like a chore to me. How would something not get boring after a week?

@Bronsoval I guess you're right. I'm just clueless as to what it is I want, I think. I see others enjoying life by being good at what they do and when I see that, I feel like I need that to have a fulfilling life, even though I feel no compulsion to do those things myself. Like, if I'd die tomorrow, I wouldn't exactly be bothered by it.

@Bronsoval My unhealthy thoughts predate me visiting a therapist. They've been trying to help me structure out my life, but I'm not able to. Meds do seem to be helping me a little bit. I don't really buy into the idea they're in it for the money. I know I wouldn't and aid is almost always altruistic. I seem to have an aversion to most things. Nothing really speaks to me and I don't have the ability to take initiative. I've been meaning to try certain things for over a year, but I just don't. I just don't get why desire doesn't lead to motivation.

@abrakamowse How do you manage to work on something every day for up to six hours? I don't think there is really anything in the world I'd work that long for. Do you really want something that badly that you could work on it for that long? I can't think of anything I could actively spend that amount of time on.

@Bronsoval This to me presents another problem. I'm so avoidant that I conclude that I just don't want it enough, because if I did, I would be courageous enough to fail over and over.

@quantum I'd say someone with more value would be someone with greater capacity, given they use it.

If I'd have to give a little example of how my head works, it'd be this: a person who learns to ride a bike at age 30 isn't going to have the same worth as a person who goes to the moon at age 30. Think social Darwinism, which I completely support. If humans are the superior race, we might as well go the distance of making it the best it can be.

@Marc Schinkel The only thing I can equate self-love to after that description would be self-deception or false hope. Me thinking I could do something was lead to pain and misery, because it ended up not being good enough, coming up short. I'm not even sure if I want to get better at this point. There's such a sense of futility.

@Consept Thanks for the response. Got a few questions though. Is worth not based on achievement, and if not, what is it based on? How can a person that hasn't done anything fill fulfillment or worth? What kind of love is self-love? What is it based on? Is it an idea or a feeling?

Not sure if this is the right subforum. Move it if need be. As for backstory: 20 years old, live with my parents, only finished high school, diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder and depression. There may be contradictions in the following. The fact that I'm not sure just means that I have no idea what's going on or what to do. It's also whatever came to mind, stream of consciousness if you will. I really don't know how to structure this. And here I am: in my room. As usual. I spend my days behind the computer, online, without even liking it. There are things I can do that would make me feel better, but I can't be bothered 9 out of 10 times. Taking a walk outside for example is a massive undertaking that takes up a lot of mental energy. I don't have a job or anything, although my therapist has forced me to do voluntary work, which if you think about it is pretty hilarious. Can't say I mind it. How does a 20 year old not have a normal job or go to school? Depression. Tried uni last year and managed to leave with no credit after having been there for half a year. An epic fail would be an understatement. It wasn't specifically because it didn't interest me, but because I didn't have the focus to work on it enough, as well as being constantly overwhelmed by the amounts and constantly doubting myself, which shouldn't be a surprise if your IQ is only 120. Writing is also impossible because I've had creative block since I can remember existing and that is not an exaggeration. I haven't achieved anything in life, yet I don't exactly wanna do something about it, but at the same time I do. To detach the emotions from the destructive thoughts, I've started taking anti-depressants. They do their job, but it makes it even more apparent that I have no interest in or passion for anything. I just don't believe that I could ever do something "fulfilling", that I could do something amazing. Why would I anyway? I've only learned to operate on fear, so there's no need for me to perform in life if there's no one to shoot my brains out if I miss a deadline. There's no structure in life. My general attitude towards everything is "I can do without if it means I still have a house, food and internet access". It's merely existing while watching others live. I used to be into video games, but now it's evolved into mindless consumption of entertainment and knowledge. So passively watching videos works, but listening to an audiobook is too much to be asked. I have severe difficulty creating structure in my life, yet I'm definitely the one who needs it most, which is super unhelpful in every way. I feel like all this self-improvement stuff is just a hoax (no offence), a painful reminder that not everyone is cut out to be good at something, that not every story has a happy ending. It hasn't made me feel better in any way. It's a slap in the face if anything. It fills the obsessive need to have a "good life". I've got pretty bad focus issues. Think ADD and you have a pretty good idea, except I also have depression, which means that nothing is interesting and therefore there's nothing I can focus on because it doesn't captivate me. Even trying to read back what I just read is too much to ask, because it's a pretty big amount. It makes meditation impossible, which shouldn't be hard to figure out if your attention span for anything that doesn't interest you is 2 minutes maximum. If i had to say the things I like, I'd say music and politics, but there's nothing I can do with those. It's way too overwhelming, at least if either is to be turned into a profession. I couldn't put effort into it anyway. Just... where do I go from here? I'm seeing a therapist, I take my medication, but I just don't create momentum on my own. I don't gravitate towards anything.