DimmedBulb

I mean, calling it a creative block and experiencing it are two different things obviously. I experienced it long before I even knew what it was. For example, if we had to do something like creative writing, you know, write ten lines about X, I'd be staring at a blank page for two hours and run away in hysteria when it became too much. Classmates and teachers would suffer injuries sometimes. So it's been there for as long as I can remember. The name for it only came way later and I honestly don't cling too much to it.

I did, but it went to the back of my mind. Thanks for the reminder.

I'm not exactly sure. I just look at my previous experiences and see that I have severe difficulty coming up with things. Same thing at the moment actually. I believe it's childhood. Seeing everyone else being able to do something you can't does things to you, especially when most people dislike you and all you have is your knowledge of math and spelling and whatnot. I didn't like socializing or playing on the playground during recess either because I wasn't good at it. Kids were just loud, doing nothing, while seeing themselves as superiour to me.

I went from last time I checked INTJ to ISTP, but I think I might have done something wrong, because it really doesn't suit me.

At this point, I feel like basically anything that isn't a bodily reflex to a stimulus can become an addiction. I guess I'm kind of unclear about what it means. I did see Leo's video about it, but that only showed me that there are more addictions than most people think. Given my understanding of it I stated earlier, I think the list would be shortest if I asked what can't be an addiction.

@Leo Gura Is this why people who get addicted to one thing have a tendency to get addicted to something else once they kicked something?

I do this. Can confirm. That stuff sucks.

One thing that became apparent during my depression and first relationship was that I have a pretty big problem with inertia. I'll explain what I mean: I find it difficult to act out what I have in my head, especially when I have to switch from the current activity to a new one. This manifests itself in either not being able to do what is necessary at that moment in time, such as household stuff, but it can also make me unable to switch from an activity I dislike doing to something I like to do. And lastly, I can find it difficult to be in the mood for something I know I like to do, such as singing. Singing calms me down massively, but to get myself to move towards that activity is very mentally challenging. It makes me question whether I actually like the things I like, which in return make it harder to get myself to do them. Has anyone had any experience with this or knows how to deal with it most effectively?

@NTOgen I'd say the reason is that I think I have internal blockages that prevent me from being happy and functioning well. An example would be that I don't do creative work because I'm just unable to not be depressed when I can't think of anything or the result isn't good enough, which can all be traced back to childhoodd. I feel that blockage. So I reckon that getting rid of as much as possible would help me be okay.

@NTOgen So where do I go from there? Deconstruct all concepts and accept what is?

@NTOgen This is where most people would say that there is a lack of control and then they'd start preaching about enhancing self-control or self-discipline. What you're saying is very different. Control is a pretty abstract concept now that I think about it.

Is the sense that I sometimes am in control of myself an illusion then? When I put together a plan and work it out, like picking up medicine from the drug store, which I did earlier, is that not me being in control?

I went to a cd presentation of my neighbour's jazz band. Now before I move on, I have to preface this by saying I have difficulty with understanding what I feel. I also don't have a lot of life experience. But anyway, as I was listening, I wasn't thinking. I was just listening, in awe with the sound, flowing along and while it was happening, I wanted to get up there and play my guitar with them. I never have this feeling when I need to practice though and I can barely keep focus when I do need to practice, so that's really confusing. What do I make of this?

To quote Enchiridion: "There are things which are within our power, and there are things which are beyond our power. Within our power are opinion, aim, desire, aversion, and, in one word, whatever affairs are our own. Beyond our power are body, property, reputation, office, and, in one word, whatever are not properly our own affairs. Now, the things within our power are by nature free, unrestricted, unhindered; but those beyond our power are weak, dependent, restricted, alien. Remember, then, that if you attribute freedom to things by nature dependent, and take what belongs to others for your own, you will be hindered, you will lament, you will be disturbed, you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you take for your own only that which is your own, and view what belongs to others just as it really is, then no one will ever compel you, no one will restrict you, you will find fault with no one, you will accuse no one, you will do nothing against your will; no one will hurt you, you will not have an enemy, nor will you suffer any harm. Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself any inclination, however slight, towards the attainment of the others; but that you must entirely quit some of them, and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would have these, and possess power and wealth likewise, you may miss the latter in seeking the former; and you will certainly fail of that by which alone happiness and freedom are procured. Seek at once, therefore, to be able to say to every unpleasing semblance, “ You are but a semblance and by no means the real thing.” And then examine it by those rules which you have; and first and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are within our own power, or those which are not; and if it concerns anything beyond our power, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you." I've definitely learned that through experience. That realization however also sparked a need for a certain outcome, which upon not meeting made me miserable.

I have a hard time understanding my own emotions and thoughts, as well as recognizing where they come from (external or internal). What ways are there to know what it is I want for myself? Is fear making me apathetic enough to not see it?

I'm gonna go cry in a corner now. The moment I wrote that previous sentence, I realized I'm not in the future, so the fear and crying as a response suits me no purpose. I seem to be learning.

@Frogfucius If I'd look at all the stuff I don't have constantly, I'd be unhappy permanently. You can't fight poison with poison, even if it helps in the short run.

@MartineF I think it's a very scary idea. @abrakamowse It's extremely confusing and that's only the theory. @YoungSeeker This is why competition is stupid. It makes people think rewards are the goal and that without them we can't be happy. So much neurosis is being fed from the first moment you set foot in a school.

@abrakamowse And unconsciousness is bad, from what I've been told by Buddha. "Heedfulness is the Deathless path, heedlessness, the path to death. Those who are heedful do not die, heedless are like the dead." It's rather difficult to fathom, especially because I'm new to Buddhist philosophy.

@abrakamowse So it becomes less prescriptive, for lack of a better word, if you recognize it as opposed to identify with it?

@abrakamowse "It is not about identifying with desires in any way; it’s about recognizing desire." I don't get the difference between the two.

Unfortunately a crowd will do everything to force a person into submission. Especially children are relentless in this practice. Conform or we'll beat you up is the general consensus in youngsters. I think that's where most of my problems stem from: primary school. Being the outcast, not knowing how to socialise, not knowing what was considered normal, the only way to feel good being getting the highest grades (and always ending up second or below). It turns you into a bitter, scar(r)ed person very quickly.

@Harvey It has been on my computer for ages. I'm having a go at it now. It makes a ton of sense so far. @Key Elements Does (subconscious) fear disable a person from recognizing this as truth? @Pallero Thank you for your kind words!

@abrakamowse I wish I could just focus for longer than 2 minutes. I can barely read through these posts or read back my own post or even watch those videos without getting distracted. It's why I'm not in school anymore. Just utter disinterest in anything. I feel like I'm on repeat and wasting people's time at this point.

How is that okay for anyone? Why would anyone be okay with that? Many psychological problems, complete wackjob. Would trade any day though. I would lead a miserable existence, but at least I'd have something to be proud of. I know exactly what it looks like. It's hell to her. I'm surprised she's still alive. Doesn't invalidate anything though. I'd swap places with Kierkegaard, a man known for only two things: his writings and his misery.