DimmedBulb

@Markus Terribly devastated, but it'd definitely depend on what I was able to do for her. I want to everything in my might to enjoy life as much as possible. Actually getting emotional as I'm writing this. I've had visions of her funeral playing in my head on a pretty consistent basis at some point in time. The emotional reaction was extremely strong, stronger than I would have with my own parents's funeral and perhaps even my own. I'd miss her regardless of what I might have done, but I feel like it's my duty to serve her, so that she can at least be somewhat happy for once in her life. Yeah, you're right. I tried to answer that question everyone likes to ask a person who is stuck: what would you do if you had all the money in the world and had nothing to worry about. That was basically the only thing that came up. When I contemplate death, I see an empty tomb stone. I'm just really lost.

@Martin123 Pain body is a term I actually recognize Given you've been there and have done that, could you maybe clarify how this is a pain body manifestation?

@Vercingetorix First and it's still as strong a feeling as it was a year and a half ago. Though you're right, no frame of reference. It is the first time I ever felt love and I'm unsure if I'll find something like this again. Not sure if that doubt is clouding my judgment. It's actually the one of the main reasons I want to improve myself (other ones being straight ego, pride, etc.). I actually considered getting a social worker's degree to aid that process, though I didn't follow through on that because I wasn't ready to go back to school just yet. Depression and all that, partially caused by that failure. I guess I want redemption. I don't think it's gonna go any better than the first time though. I shutdown under uncertainty, which is why I don't like pets generally. I can't figure out exactly what they want from me and they're unpredictable, so I just avoid. This is only considering my side of the story. I don't know about her. I obsessed about her long enough that she got pretty annoyed and frustrated with me and sees me as incapable.

@Vercingetorix I'd say unconditional love and responsibility, kind of like what I imagine a parent would feel towards their child(ren). There's also guilt though, like I have to make up for last time when I didn't deliver on the promises I had made. I was basically too scared to act, in fear of making a mistake, which is a pretty consistent theme throughout my life at this point.

@Vercingetorix Twenties, I did meet her and I failed pretty miserably the one shot I had at looking after her. It isn't a relationship strictly speaking, because it's one sided and I've been replaced, though I'd say there a Dom/Sub thing going on. I'm basically trying to prevent her from killing herself or getting institutionalised by force.

A strong sense of grief is what I'm getting, which is weird because I generally don't care about people dying on me. I can think of like two other people that would give me that kind of response. No idea if that's useful information.

I've read some of Tolle's work, so I recognize that concept. I'll try to remember that. Think of it more as a cry for help. Meditation is hard. I barely can focus for longer than 3 minutes on something.

@Bizarre Desperation twists perception. I just don't wanna feel like I'm feeling right now anymore. And then I look and see all the bad things I went through and all the good things others have. It saddens me, while I know that in theory that stuff doesn't matter. The way to actually be happy requires work and I just don't do the work. I don't meditate, even though that's good for me. I don't go out, even though that's good for me. I don't know why. Calling myself lazy doesn't help either. This is pretty difficult.

@Bizarre Happiness, to my understanding at least, is the reaction to external events, so it comes from a subject. Not everyone can be pleased with 1 million dollars.

@Bizarre Maybe it wasn't important, though that could just be because it was something minor or unimportant to me. I wouldn't call making dinner particularly amazing for instance. Then again, there are so many other things I haven't done that it completely outweighs it after the initial high runs out.

@Bizarre I'd say that it did at that moment, but I barely remember the last time I got a desirable result.

Both. I'm extremely unclear on that. I guess I just want to be good at something, feel good enough. I've taken profession tests, personality tests, all that stuff and nothing clear ever came out. Basically: you like everything and nothing.

@Bizarre I tend to think in terms of worth, measured in results. That's my default. Well, that would mean result would matter, right?

That kind of makes things worse...

I think I'm having a reaction to the preconceived notion that a good result makes a happy person. I've had that since I was born. Just being obsessed with being good enough and being in so much pain when I wasn't. I've been trying to observe it objectively for a bit, but it's really getting to me right now. I just don't wanna be sitting here doing nothing anymore. It's like being on a diet and eating straight grease just to avoid going somewhere. And grease doesn't even taste good. It's like poisoning myself. I was outside earlier today for the first time in a week and I just felt so good. I want that more often. I just don't for some reason. At the same time I see people go to the moon and other amazing stuff and I'm thinking: why am I not that? I'm not envious at the things I don't want, so I guess there's some desire there, but at the same time, I'm not gravitated towards any of it. I see the magnitude of life and i just freak out. I just listened to some sad music and I just went bonkers basically. My bad.

Ever since I was a young lad, I had issues with creativity and imagination. I think I was born with writer's block or something (metaphorically speaking). Things don't pop into my head and if it is, it's something I've already seen before. I wonder if there's mental blockage in play, how that would manifest itself and what to do about it. I would like to write, draw, all that stuff. I just never had any success with it. Even in primary school where you could just make whatever, I'd just completely shutdown, throw things around, I think I've also punched a few people (good thing I'm not under oath). Things just wouldn't come to mind or I'd be frozen up while actually having an idea. This seeming handicap is one of the major sources of my unhappiness with myself and I really just wanna get this right.

@John Flores Religion is hard

@John Flores I'd say the amount of figurative false idols on display isn't helping with this realization.

@John Flores I mean, as long as you're not a threat to yourself or others and don't experience any significant and prolonged mental suffering, you'll not be forced into anything at least.

@John Flores I get freak out moments like that. I'm probably not alone in that.

Idk. I'm just so low consciousness. All talk, no walk.

The word success to me at this point basically means getting anything done and liking it. I'm slowly crawling out of depression and I really just wanna be okay with life if anything. The idea of becoming amazing at something was what got me depressed in the first place. Went completely neurotic over it. I'm honestly scared of it. So I have a "low bar", which kind of makes me think I don't belong here.

@Soulbass Never tried that, but alcohol generally does good things for me. Makes me act and feel normal.

@David1 Mindfulness ahoy! @Zane Your enthusiasm for this just shows me that I really need to work on this. I really desire having creativity, which brings problems, but I'll figure it out.

@John Flores Time to go back to doing morning pages, I guess Stuff like this gets me going emotionally. There's just something about it. Maybe it's the mood (floaty, yet dark) it sets or the harmonies it uses or whatever. I don't get it a lot, especially with media other than music. This is my favourite painting. Then this same painter went on to bring a urinal to be displayed at an exposition. Dadaism, you work in fascinating ways This may be a start to something. At least I know these two things speak to me in some way.