DimmedBulb

I have a friend who is basically a homo universalis, a genius and a very successful one at that. Writer, artist, composer, voice actor, pro gamer, owns her own business, extremely intelligent. It's not hard being envious at someone who is your around age (21) but has accomplished everything you could only dream of doing. She tells me I can do those things as well if i just work at it. I don't believe her. I think it's not possible for me to get into the higher echelons of life. Every time I screw something up confirms this and throws me off so much I quit instantly. This makes me desperate and even more envious, so I fear trying something new even more, and when I do find the strength to do something again, I either fail or can't structure it enough to do it consistently (I need perfect consistency), which is also failure. I so want to best her at something, have something to be proud of. How do I get rid of these of feelings of being second place?

There's a story in the beginning about Leo's mom wasting away her potential that I just see myself going towards if I don't change things. I'm afraid that I'll have done nothing with my life. I know that shouldn't matter and that external rewards can't bring sustainable happiness, but I long for achievement. I just don't know what to do. I spent all day in my room today doing nothing. I just binged on some show I barely like. I feel like a zombie. It doesn't help I listened to a song that gets me down every time I listen to it. Where do I go? What can I learn from this situation?

I reckon it's mostly mental masturbation to numb the pain of not being able to fulfill the bs notion of self-importance. Because it's hard work I can't focus on. If you ask me to read a page of a book and really absorb the information in there, I'll freak out over the amount of work it'll take. Something in the realm of 50. That'd be a really rough estimate at least. I had promised myself that, once I got my driver's license, I'd go to the forest to drive there (it's too far to bike there). That's two years ago. It's not that I don't like being outdoors. I just don't want to, I guess. But I do. But I don't. It's weird like that. Definitely. 95% of my day if that makes sense. So probably 15 hours. Tried that... multiple times. I'd either undermine the process or go back to the same old after that month. It's having been bullied and my mom having a second child against my 2 year old self's will.

@Atticus Homeostasis and inconsistency kicked my ass, as it likes to do, so I'm still nowhere. Tried reading, but the resistance to that has built up a lot, so I could only keep that up for a week. I meditated once and couldn't follow up the next day. It doesn't help I'm pretty forgetful. I don't go outside anymore either. I'm in my room 23 hours a day basically. Weirdly enough, I forget I like singing and music quite often, but I do have a singing practice habit. I'm not that mindful during that though. I'm not really listening to my body or the sound or what have you. It's mostly autopilot, very rigidly planned. I get hyperrational and apathetic, so that's definitely necessary.

I think I might have just realized what a root cause of my envy, my anxious attachment style, my competitiveness and all sorts of other neurotic behaviors is. I noticed a sense of envy when my little brother got praise from my mom for his creative effort he made the other day. It's a feeling I'm familiar with and it happens on many occasions, but this time I didn't cast it aside. Because I noticed this, I asked my mom if I had ever been jealous of my younger sibling when I was little. As it turns out, I used to be extremely attached to my mom, falling asleep with her close-by every night, all that stuff. That was until my brother was expected. That's when she had basically made a decision to tell me: tough luck, I need to split my attention and this is happening, whether you like it or not. Three year old me apparently wanted him gone, to the point where I'd threaten to throw him off a roof multiple times. All of the sudden my needs weren't met anymore, for a reason I had no control over. This I now know cognitively, but I don't remember it in any way, so I have to find a way to tap into this emotionally and solve it.

@Shin I'm reading Teal Swan's book on emotional trauma to see if I can overcome it like that. That being said, I'm already seeing someone for mental issues. @Robert66 Acceptance is what it comes down in relation to emotional healing. Being a superconductor and all that. But there's also stuff like memory alteration that can serve me well.

@R Midhun Suresh Nope. There are programs for it I bought, but I sometimes rely on internet access.

I feel like I have no focus anymore these days. I just spend 16 hours a day on my computer. I don't even like being online but I don't have the mental capacity to turn it off when I notice I'm bored, which is basically always these days. I'm scared. I used to be smart and a good srudent. Now I can't even do my simple job of putting mail in the right mailbox properly. I've just zoned out and made mistakes so many times. This is only my second week and I already have people complaining I'm not delivering correctly. All because I can't pay fucking attention. I feel like a wilted plant that can't flourish again. I'm really, really scared.

@R Midhun Suresh Here's the kicker: on holiday, I experience no withdrawal. On holiday, I am pretty able to do some reading, meditating, etc. It feels great actually. I just don't continue the trend when I get back home.

@Epiphany_Inspired No offence taken. The thought had crossed my mind before.

@Arman i can't really read books. I lose interest and get distracted really quickly. @Prabhaker tigerfreedom.com Anyway, best I ever did cutting down time was like 8 hours a day, but that didn't last very long.

@RJ Rhodes The fact you voluntarily went in means there's something inside of you that is saying no to death. You have to figure out what that thing is and why it is there. Philosophize about death, deconstruct the notions you have and most importantly: do self-inquiry and get to know yourself.

@Elisabeth Worry not. Advice is always welcome. It was and still is difficult, especially because the feeling hasn't recurred in a different person. She won't live for more than probably a few weeks, which is a fact I'm gonna have to surrender to: that I wasn't good enough to save her from an untimely demise.

Because I wasn't emotionally stable and could not take initiative or look after myself and my now ex, my first relationship did not work out. Solely because I wasn't good enough, I got laid off and it's not exactly possible for me to fix my lack of initiative. I get mentally blocked when I'm supposed to do something on my own accord that is expected of me. That being said, I really wanna be with her and I don't think I'll ever fall in love with anyone else, the fact that it even happened once amazed me. My failure completely screwed me up. I got obsessed with getting better and getting her back, making it up, even if I did nothing wrong in her eyes and I failed every time. This has me torn: should I fix myself for her in the hopes she'll take me back or should I just give up and try to be satisfied with that? I'll be emotionally destroyed both ways, but for different reasons.

I'll just start off with those, because doing more than that has in the past turned into crashing and burning.

@Aamir King It's definitely resistance the nth degree, as well as emotional trauma.

@Aamir King That kind of thinking actually makes me feel guilty, because I'm not doing what I'm "supposed to be doing".

I'd say be mindful of what could be upsetting, avoiding sudden events and too many stimuli at once. Being curious about how he thinks can help as well, because that can avoid communicating on different wave lengths. He might for example say something you think is really crass, but he doesn't mean it that way, because being straight forward is the name of the game he's playing by default and he can't adapt to anything else.

@Paan It is a spectrum disorder, so some people have more symptoms than others. I could also just be wrong.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_overload https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism#Characteristics See if you recognize some stuff.

@Paan It's not required, but it's one of the ways to deal with a lot of stimuli. I can only speak for myself here, but I like being to the point. Most people like to talk about nothing (concrete). Maintaining friends is extremely difficult. My parents basically have to force me to have people over. It's been like that for as long as I can remember. The excessive need to know what's going to happen is a very classic sign. Rigidity in general is a classic sign now that I think about it. That includes thinking patterns, like "I don't need to see a therapist". Is he difficult to debate or negotiate with? Human interaction requires a lot of mental energy: you gotta know what other people think, find something to talk about, reply to a person, which is a massive variable, maintain eye contact (which sucks). Does he know how to talk to people casually, without defaulting to the niche stuff he likes a lot? I think what might have happened is that he had an extremely strong emotional bond with your grandmother. Most folks have a lot of connections that are sort of in the grey area when it comes to how strong it is: good, not bad, strong, weak. I think your brother has very few connections to people and the ones he has are extremely strong. It's very black and white, which is another sign autism is what's going on. Combine that with exposure to the biggest variable of life, which is death, and you've got a massive emotional wound.

Autism. Definitely autism. The repetitive behavior is a give away. I'd be surprised if it isn't. Read up on sensory overload, theory of mind, executive functioning, special interests, Alexithymia, as well as the wiki on autism or the latest DSM to get a general overview. Your brother screaming at your mother, to give you an example, is him not being able to deal with the amount of stimulus he's receiving. That filter people have to not hear and see everything they don't have to pay attention to probably doesn't work well for him, so he literally hears and sees everything. Does he flap his hands, roll his head or rock his body when or before these eruptions happen? Also, if you think he might not have empathy because of the way he acts, it's more likely that he doesn't understand empathy, but does have it (theory of mind + alexithymia). The reason he needs a lot of order is because his brain isn't programmed to deal with changes. It's like having a PC with a 1 core CPU and very little RAM. If things are predictable, they don't take up as much energy. Him not showing emotion doesn't mean he doesn't have emotion by the way. He might just not be able to make the connection from feeling an emotion to a facial expression. That can also mean smiling at inappropriate times. If he does have autism, then college is gonna be a massive struggle, because planning is extremely difficult in the sense that you need foresight and flexibility. I know this stuff all too well, because I'm knee deep into it myself. Uni was a terrible experience for me. Way too much freedom, 0 structure.

@Preango I love my water. I drink that 3 litres easily.

Sleep takes up a lot of time. A lot. For me personally, I need a minimum of 9 hours to not avoid a "destroy everything on the face of this earth" kind of grumpiness, as well as being able to focus, avoid migraines, etc. Are there any healthy ways to cut down on the amount of shuteye needed to function? I'd love to have an extra hour to build a routine into, like yoga.

Have you ever done an IQ test?