DimmedBulb

I reckon it's mostly mental masturbation to numb the pain of not being able to fulfill the bs notion of self-importance. Because it's hard work I can't focus on. If you ask me to read a page of a book and really absorb the information in there, I'll freak out over the amount of work it'll take. Something in the realm of 50. That'd be a really rough estimate at least. I had promised myself that, once I got my driver's license, I'd go to the forest to drive there (it's too far to bike there). That's two years ago. It's not that I don't like being outdoors. I just don't want to, I guess. But I do. But I don't. It's weird like that. Definitely. 95% of my day if that makes sense. So probably 15 hours. Tried that... multiple times. I'd either undermine the process or go back to the same old after that month. It's having been bullied and my mom having a second child against my 2 year old self's will.

@Atticus Homeostasis and inconsistency kicked my ass, as it likes to do, so I'm still nowhere. Tried reading, but the resistance to that has built up a lot, so I could only keep that up for a week. I meditated once and couldn't follow up the next day. It doesn't help I'm pretty forgetful. I don't go outside anymore either. I'm in my room 23 hours a day basically. Weirdly enough, I forget I like singing and music quite often, but I do have a singing practice habit. I'm not that mindful during that though. I'm not really listening to my body or the sound or what have you. It's mostly autopilot, very rigidly planned. I get hyperrational and apathetic, so that's definitely necessary.

@Shin I'm reading Teal Swan's book on emotional trauma to see if I can overcome it like that. That being said, I'm already seeing someone for mental issues. @Robert66 Acceptance is what it comes down in relation to emotional healing. Being a superconductor and all that. But there's also stuff like memory alteration that can serve me well.

I think I might have just realized what a root cause of my envy, my anxious attachment style, my competitiveness and all sorts of other neurotic behaviors is. I noticed a sense of envy when my little brother got praise from my mom for his creative effort he made the other day. It's a feeling I'm familiar with and it happens on many occasions, but this time I didn't cast it aside. Because I noticed this, I asked my mom if I had ever been jealous of my younger sibling when I was little. As it turns out, I used to be extremely attached to my mom, falling asleep with her close-by every night, all that stuff. That was until my brother was expected. That's when she had basically made a decision to tell me: tough luck, I need to split my attention and this is happening, whether you like it or not. Three year old me apparently wanted him gone, to the point where I'd threaten to throw him off a roof multiple times. All of the sudden my needs weren't met anymore, for a reason I had no control over. This I now know cognitively, but I don't remember it in any way, so I have to find a way to tap into this emotionally and solve it.

@R Midhun Suresh Nope. There are programs for it I bought, but I sometimes rely on internet access.

@R Midhun Suresh Here's the kicker: on holiday, I experience no withdrawal. On holiday, I am pretty able to do some reading, meditating, etc. It feels great actually. I just don't continue the trend when I get back home.

@Epiphany_Inspired No offence taken. The thought had crossed my mind before.

@Arman i can't really read books. I lose interest and get distracted really quickly. @Prabhaker tigerfreedom.com Anyway, best I ever did cutting down time was like 8 hours a day, but that didn't last very long.

I feel like I have no focus anymore these days. I just spend 16 hours a day on my computer. I don't even like being online but I don't have the mental capacity to turn it off when I notice I'm bored, which is basically always these days. I'm scared. I used to be smart and a good srudent. Now I can't even do my simple job of putting mail in the right mailbox properly. I've just zoned out and made mistakes so many times. This is only my second week and I already have people complaining I'm not delivering correctly. All because I can't pay fucking attention. I feel like a wilted plant that can't flourish again. I'm really, really scared.

@RJ Rhodes The fact you voluntarily went in means there's something inside of you that is saying no to death. You have to figure out what that thing is and why it is there. Philosophize about death, deconstruct the notions you have and most importantly: do self-inquiry and get to know yourself.

@Elisabeth Worry not. Advice is always welcome. It was and still is difficult, especially because the feeling hasn't recurred in a different person. She won't live for more than probably a few weeks, which is a fact I'm gonna have to surrender to: that I wasn't good enough to save her from an untimely demise.

I'll just start off with those, because doing more than that has in the past turned into crashing and burning.

@Aamir King It's definitely resistance the nth degree, as well as emotional trauma.

@Aamir King That kind of thinking actually makes me feel guilty, because I'm not doing what I'm "supposed to be doing".

I'd say be mindful of what could be upsetting, avoiding sudden events and too many stimuli at once. Being curious about how he thinks can help as well, because that can avoid communicating on different wave lengths. He might for example say something you think is really crass, but he doesn't mean it that way, because being straight forward is the name of the game he's playing by default and he can't adapt to anything else.