assx95

@loub Wonderful poem

This post is a bit long but interesting. I want to show y'all three poems written for the girl i love over a span of 2 years. Notice the change in subtlety, and evolution of my psyche. 1. Untitled. This story, i think, gets repeated a hundred times, through a thousand lives,of a man who loses his self in a woman so fine. To calm my nerves, i smoke some fine. I see this woman as free as rain, and she sets my heart ablaze. Somehow she agrees to see me, my heart palpitating, can barely be. Clouded in judgement, i walk through space and time to meet a girl who was never to be, mine. I sit at the table, waiting for her, my eyes wide open, i see her. There she comes, an angel in disguise, of a world so sublime. Then she smiles with her teeth, with glory within, and here i am, a fidgety beast, fiddling with the spoons and all there is. I nod as she speaks of the troubles she goes through, i speak of mine, which is but untrue. She then unfolds a pack of cards, to give me a trip ace times that. So, to think of the girl who was but a dream, i acted like a pussy, without getting one -Dedicated to the girl with an unusual name and who is dope af. 2. Her. I keep forgetting that she is a universe onto herself. Infinite is her beauty and glory. I keep forgetting when she is with me , that she has to :go home. Then she hugged me tight for what was an eternity and that spoke things a thousand words couldn't do. I keep forgetting what she was : the angel of death. I was dead then. But she didn't look back. I keep forgetting to tell her : That i had exhausted all my life in those very moments. And as obvious it was to us both, she was looking fine that day. She killed me swiftly and then we laughed about it, and then she asked me : what i'd like to have? 3, The sound of muse(ic) I want to speak to the girl in the mirror. Her smile i hear. Her hair spits music and that's what i see. Her voice is the vision of never ending tunnels, of earthy breeze, of the scent of her being. That which binds me in moments and trips. I speak from a world which is unseen You are my muse, or that's what it seems. It's tough to know what you mean to me, For all i care is for you to be. I want to tell you something, and it's deep. You are a dream. It's night. And i am fast asleep. -Woven with magic, for Hamshi.

@Keyhole lol.

@OctagonOctopus Teach me senpai. The last time i had such encounter was when i OD on edible marijuana balls, i couldn't see her face, but her moans were hoarse and sexy. Dark hair and a hidden face. She climbed on top of me. I thought she was a succubus or something.

@Pilgrim Like i just told @Michael569 I think i have a void which only she can fill : Romantic love, particularly with her.

@Michael569 It's a fantasy. And i have tied myself deeply with that fantasy. I call it a fantasy cause i imagine all kinds of romantic scenes with her. There's jealousy. Oh, i get it, i believe deep down, i've got a void which only romance can fill, particularly a romantic relationship with her.

@TheAlchemist When you say this, does it mean - "The trying to attract her" part on my side is over. Now she's having conversations with me, but she acts like she's forgotten that i have confessed my feelings to her.

When i think of my future, i envision her as my partner with a kid. And all loving moments we could share. I've been on dates with her, and told her about my feelings for her, even joked about having kids with her, and her response : she'll sometimes play along but mostly she'll say she's not sure of it. She's going through a quarter life crisis, feeling lonely and is on a solo trip to the mountains to discover herself. She hasn't responded directly about what she feels for me but would have deep conversations about everything. 1. Leo speaks of detachment, but i am not sure what it would really mean, in this case or any? Does it mean, i don't contact her and leave her be and be okay with it? Do i try or do i not try? I'm making this a "should" or "must", when i shouldn't. Oh, the irony!. 2. In the absence of the self, and with that follows the lack of an authentic self, wouldn't the will of the no-self be whatever it feels it should say, in exactly the same way ? Even though in the end, it could work exactly the opposite, in that it leads me away from her, while i was thinking that every step was a step closer to her. I don't understand. Could someone shine some light on me?

@universe Makes sense. I was in denial about my need for control, until you brought to notice that i was trying to make things perfect. And being neurotic about it.

@DrewNows Wow. It's like peeling infinite layers. Although it's just (N-1) for me.

@universe I have noticed this peeing congruence many times. I have woken up to pee moments after I somehow found a washroom in the midst of my dream, all constructed exactly like it should be, so i could pee.

@universe Yeah, i concur. It takes a lot to live in the now. One needs to let go of everything. It is bold and vulnerable. Something i've been avoiding. Now i know. Bookmarked The self is what i currently have, the Ego. The authentic self and the no-self are the same. What i'm saying is : I feel a need to preserve what I have: this relationship, even if it's a bit dysfunctional. What i should have mentioned for better context is : I have these moments of insights/ hunches/inspiration where I feel like I have the perfect thing to say to her. It is usually on the vulnerable side, and I end up saying it to her without caring for the consequences. This I strongly feel is the no-self directing my life. The self is very scared that this might alter the dynamic of the relationship. So, when a thought occurs to me about her, and i feel like saying it, should i say it regardless of whether it will ruin the relationship? Cause i strongly feel that is what is authentic and not crafting carefully a text which will move her in a predictable way.

@Wisebaxter Hey! Yesterday, a forum member told me that i might have an anxious attachment and the girl i love : avoidant attachment. I see a reflection of that in your relationship. You are willing to be vulnerable, while your partner feels pressured when you are. Your partner feels suffocated when you get too close. Although, your relationship seems quite stable, and this dynamic is played only on a mild level.

@Martin123 Lol. Sure.

@Martin123 I can only see your timely post as the infinite love of the universe. Many thanks Martin and the lady herself, ultimately thanking the universe, which is not different than what I really am, it's like a bending backwards kind of a mindfuck which is : I post on a forum created by myself about my failing relationship with myself, and then i comment on how I can save it, and i have already created a video which explains how i could, just might save it.

@Natasha Thanks Natasha.

@DrewNows Friends. I wouldn't choose myself over her. But i don't know what would mean, in both theory and in reality. And yeah, i need to contemplate more. Thanks for your input.

@Natasha OMG. You are pointing towards the right thing. I am the preoccupied- anxious and she is indeed the dismissive- avoidant. Also, i was the ambivalent/Resistant child, my mother told me that the first day she dropped me at kindergarten, i wouldn't move from the door, and stayed in one place until she arrived a few hours later.

@DrewNows It's an expectation that i haven't questioned until now. It makes me vulnerable cause on a certain level, i've already committed to her, Yes, it makes me insecure about my position in her life. It does feel like a wave of uncertainty where the odds are stacked against me. She lives far away from where I live. Haven't met her in the last 6 months. I haven't been with her for a long while. And now I doubt where these feelings that conjure up are worth anything. Yes, she does open up to me, but i am unable to judge the extent of her openness, cause i am too blinded by all feelings. I'm scared that if i don't think about her, i would forget her. And i don't want to forget her, she's beautiful and i don't think i've met someone like her, just the way she is. Also, i am scared that being here right now, in the moment would mean forgetting her. 1. Yes, everything does happen on her terms. 2. It does reflect badly on my self-respect, majorly that I don't have any boundaries, and she could get away with treating me like anything, i think i am that way, cause i am too scared of losing her for there is no one like her in all exactness. 1. I don't know, all i have registered is that it is attractive to the opposite sex. 2. A person who has options, or a person who doesn't find her special, or a person who is wise enough to see where it ultimately leads to. 3. She could make or break it, nothing is in my control.

@JustThinkingAloud Patience it is, then. Thanks for your reply.

@Wisebaxter I was in a similar situation, except she didn't sleep with me, I told her my feelings, and she went numb on me. I tried to be sexually aggressive while texting, it made her laugh but it didn't work. I then would react to her Instagram stories, that would get good responses. But lately, i was quite frustrated with what she was doing, and was also madly in love, so i deconstructed her entire routine, and put it in a nice way, She opened up, she was going through deep troubles. Quite literally an existential crisis. Thing is, know the context to your situation. Ask her more about her, forget about the love thing, it is to stay at least for a while. I'm not telling you what will work, i am telling you there might be more to your situation, than what you think it is.

@d0ornokey Hey! I cherish my loved ones, and It is hard to imagine or consider why I would leave them be, all alone. Can't we spend time together? But yeah, from a certain perspective, the impermanence of it all makes me question all this. But what's the point anyway?

If i am to renounce all materialism , am i not denying the major expressions of life? What is the point in doing that?

I am taking notes of Leo's videos, but they don't fit as smoothly as I thought they would. And i end up looking for a video which is foundational and which would ground me, by understanding its theory and the actions to be taken on that. But it all feels incomplete. I want to take action but i am simply unable to. Where do I start?

What i notice is that Leo has come at certain concepts with varying perspectives. What that does is, while I try to integrate the material, it becomes redundant. As an example - The common link between getting true happiness and overcoming addictions and to develop sensitivity is to open up to the purifying fire of emptiness. Similarly the key to understanding procrastination, laziness and to action is the concept of Resistance. And also compelling vision, which ties in with the entire gamut. Also, there are like 3-5 videos on happiness and contentment, which all tie in together in the advanced video which is a practical one. A small change to make, if correctly identified could create a huge difference. So what I do : 1. I instill the habit of meditation. 2. I write down a compelling vision. I take action on it. 3. I created a commonplace book on Onenote to note down insights, for contemplation, and for tracking progress of different areas. And for notes i am making on Leo's videos. The thing i am struggling with is : I am creating a complex web of structures, and it becomes hard to actually identify the concept to be put into action out of the abundant theory out there, and there is this constant fear that I am missing out on something. Also, the insights i get, and the contemplation i do, they might tell me a different story on what needs to be done. How do i resolve this? How are you guys doing it?