sgn

I love animals who are cute. The rest I eat. I'm starting to see how fucked up that is.

Aaaaaaaaaand the day is here. No shock there. First successful terror attack in sweden. It was just a question of time. Feel angry to especially politicians who's turning this country to shit. How do I accept this? How to think about this? From a peace of mind perspective. Not some political debate of course.

@Leo Gura Being is what the senses arise in?

Omfg hahaha!!! This guy...

Check this one out:

@My_Name_Is_Mud In Florida?

No pun intended?

@username I have the Art of Meditation and Happiness. Good books. Thinking of buying Altruism too.

I just did a thread about mind maps. I think this one suits well here

So this is interesting I think. I thought about creating mind maps before especially for goals and motivation to get a more clear overview and big picture. I also seem to learn easier using mind maps. Feels very organized. This site has 30 free maps to check out. Unfortunately the others comes with a price http://iqmatrix.com/free-maps/ Thoughts?

@Evilwave Heddy Lol, I was about to write those two same things.

@NutellaTC Does it become worse when you meditate?

I think Leo's videos about enlightenment should come with more warning. Many(most?) people are not stable enough to do this kind of work. Seems dangerous to just throw this around. I understand he's trying to do something good and help. I appreciate that. But this stuff is really fucking serious. I felt anger because of this when I had a shift one day, and my reality turned upside down. Then I learned about the dark night of the soul, kundalini etc and wonder why I hadn't been also told about this side of the coin. Anyway I take responsibility for the inquiry I've done and especially after this which I for some reason did. I think many people suffer so much so they begin doing this work to become happy, not knowing it can fuck you up even more and make things worse.

I'm not much for reading articles but this one I thought was pretty funny: http://highexistence.com/10-spiritual-bypassing-things-people-total-bullshit/

@LRyan I just meant the guy in the picture in Dodoster's post. It's not the same guy who wrote the article.

@Dodoster Haha. Have you seen his youtube channel? https://www.youtube.com/user/AwakenWithJP

I choose 1

I hate stopping resisting reality

LOL!!!

This one is great: Another version:

Story: I grew up with 3 older siblings. So I was the youngest child. The dynamic is pretty different. Different roles. What I thought, said and felt didn't seem to matter. Why would anyone listen to the smallest child? I reacted to this the only way I knew how. By screaming and fighting. I became a rebel. Just wanted to be heard, seen, listened to, respected, loved, approved of. This lead to me being yelled at. That I shouldn't be angry and scream etc. I was told that I was bad, mean, naughty and shouldn't behave the way I was. Especially by my mother. I didn't only feel that my behavior and emotions was wrong, but that I as a person was wrong. Flawed. Imperfect. A bad child. My needs were not met. My emotions was wrong. Some of my siblings fought with me and my mother often took my side I've been hearing. Which I don't even remember. But I've been told from my oldest sister. She became jealous of this and picked on me even more. My mother worked as a day mom or a childminder may be the word. She took care of other children at our home. I fought and was angry at them too. Didn't want anyone else to have her attention. And sometimes she had to take their side when I fought with them. I turned everything against myself. The way my mom was feeling and behaving I thought was always because of me. And how others felt also. Still feels like it. I've started to question this now and can see it rarely had anything to do with me at all. She was often tired after work when all the kids went home and I wanted to spend time with her alone. But she wanted to rest and be alone. I thought it was because of me she was tired, because of how I was and that she didn't love me. Had to take a brake here from writing this. Moving on. I remember a moment when I was outside her bedroom and she shut the door, and leaving me by myself. I don't remember that much from childhood but this is clear as day. I also remember standing beside her when we were out to walk just her and me. And she ran into a friend. They just talked and talked and I had to just stand and listen and be quiet. Didn't feel I was worth attention. Not worth to listen to because now the grownups are talking and I'm unimportant. I became angry at her friends for this. Taking our time away from me. Anyway because of how people yelled at me and called me things when I was causing trouble and screaming that left me with toxic shame. So I stopped this. And became quiet instead. I stopped fighting and started to suppress everything instead. My emotions and what I thought and wanted to say. I wanted to be a good boy. I became perfectionistic in my thinking and behavior so others would accept, love and approve of me. I was extremely shy. I started seeking this love and approval from others. Always on guard and wondered what people thought about me. Scared of being judged. I saw myself as bad and was convinced that others saw the exact same thing when they looked at me. Bad. Worthless. Not deserved to be listen to. Should be quiet and especially when others are talking. Others know better and my opinions doesn't matter. I was a bad boy and should be ashamed of myself for how I am and what I've done. Always. This turned to severe social anxiety in teenage years and I'm now 28 years old and this have impacted every single aspect of my life. Still ashamed. Feel fundamentally flawed. A victim. Given myself a life sentence of punishment. A life in mental prison. And feel a deep fear of abandonment. It's one thing if I choose to stop spending time with someone. But if they choose it, that's a confirmation, a proof of me being flawed, it feels like. Childhood is a mothafocka... Don't underestimate it I'd say. I've started working on all this stuff now. Doing a lot of digging and much inner child work. Let me share a questionnare that may be eye opening for some: (Please share what you score and your own story if you want to) WOUNDED CHILD QUESTIONNARE The questions in this section will give you an overall view of the extent to which your inner child is wounded. A. IDENTITY 1. I experience anxiety and fear whenever I contemplate doing anything new. Yes _____ No _____ 2. I'm a people pleaser (nice guy/sweetheart) and have no identity of my own. Yes _____ No _____ 3. I'm a rebel. I feel alive when I'm in conflict. Yes _____ No _____ 4. In the deepest places of my secret self, I feel there is something wrong with me. Yes _____ No _____ 5. I'm a hoarder; I have trouble letting go of anything. Yes _____ No _____ 6. I feel inadequate as a man/woman. Yes _____ No _____ 7. I'm confused about my sexual identity. Yes _____ No _____ 8. I feel guilty when I stand up for myself and would rather give in to others. Yes _____ No _____ 9. I have trouble starting things. Yes _____ No _____ 10. I have trouble finishing things. Yes _____ No _____ 11. I rarely have a thought of my own. Yes _____ No _____ 12. I continually criticize myself for being inadequate. Yes _____ No _____ 13. I consider myself a terrible sinner and I'm afraid I'm going to hell. Yes _____ No _____ 14. I'm rigid and perfectionistic. Yes _____ No _____ 15. I feel like I never measure up; never get anything right. Yes _____ No _____ 16. I feel like I really don't know what I want. Yes _____ No _____ 17. I'm driven to be a superachiever. Yes _____ No _____ 18. I believe I don't really matter except when I'm sexual. I'm afraid I'll be rejected and abandoned if I'm not a good lover. Yes _____ No _____ 19. My life is empty; I feel depressed a lot of the time. Yes _____ No _____ 20. I don't really know who I am. I'm not sure what my values are or what I think about things. Yes _____ No _____ B. BASIC NEEDS 1. I'm out of touch with my bodily needs. I don't know when I'm tired, hungry, of horny. Yes _____ No _____ 2. I don't like being touched. Yes _____ No _____ 3. I often have sex when I don't really want to. Yes _____ No _____ 4. I have had or currently have an eating disorder. Yes _____ No _____ 5. I am hung up on oral sex. Yes _____ No _____ 6. I rarely know what I feel. Yes _____ No _____ 7. I feel ashamed when I get mad. Yes _____ No _____ 8. I rarely get mad, but when I do, I rage. Yes _____ No _____ 9. I fear other people's anger and I will do most anything to control it. Yes _____ No _____ 10. I'm ashamed when I cry. Yes _____ No _____ 11. I'm ashamed when I'm scared. Yes _____ No _____ 12. I almost never express unpleasant emotions. Yes _____ No _____ 13. I'm obsessed with anal sex. Yes _____ No _____ 14. I'm obsessed with sado/masochistic sex. Yes _____ No _____ 15. I'm ashamed of my bodily functions. Yes _____ No _____ 16. I have sleep disorders. Yes _____ No _____ 17. I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at pornography. Yes _____ No _____ 18. I have exhibited myself sexually in a way that violates others. Yes _____ No _____ 19. I am sexually attracted to children and I worry that I might act it out. Yes _____ No _____ 20. I believe that good and/or sex is my greatest need. Yes _____ No _____ C. SOCIAL 1. I basically distrust everyone, including myself. Yes _____ No _____ 2. I have been or am now married to an addict. Yes _____ No _____ 3. I am obsessive and controlling in my relationships. Yes _____ No _____ 4. I am an addict. Yes _____ No _____ 5. I'm isolated and afraid of people, especially authority figures. Yes _____ No _____ 6. I hate being alone and I'll do almost anything to avoid it. Yes _____ No _____ 7. I find myself doing what I think others expect of me. Yes _____ No _____ 8. I avoid conflict at all cost. Yes _____ No _____ 9. I rarely say no to another's suggestions and feel that another's suggestion is almost an order to be obeyed. Yes _____ No _____ 10. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. It is easier for me to be concerned with another than with myself. Yes _____ No _____ 11. I often do not say no directly and then refuse to do what others ask in a variety of manipulative, indirect, and passive ways. Yes _____ No _____ 12. I don't know how to resolve conflicts with others. I either overpower my opponent or completely withdrawn from them. Yes _____ No _____ 13. I rarely ask for clarification of statements I don't understand. Yes _____ No _____ 14. I frequently guess at what another's statement means and respond to it based on my guess. Yes _____ No _____ 15. I never felt close to one or both of my parents. Yes _____ No _____ 16. I confuse love with pity and tend to love people I can pity. Yes _____ No _____ 17. I ridicule myself and others if they make a mistake. Yes _____ No _____ 18. I give in easily and conform to the group. Yes _____ No _____ 19. I'm fiercely competitive and a poor loser. Yes _____ No _____ 20. My most profound fear is the fear of abandonment and I'll do anything to hold on to a relationship. Yes _____ No _____ If you answered yes to ten or more of these questions, you need to do some serious work.

@eskwire I see. Thank you. I just got that book and another book by the some author which is called Homecoming. The last one is what I'm reading now. It's from that one I got the questionnare I posted. It would be interesting and probably very powerful to participate in an inner child workshops which he talks about, but seems it's not such a common thing. He also talks about joining a twelve-step program. Because addicts also seems to be very shame-based and empty and use that to fill the void. There you open up about your "horrible secrets" that causes you shame in a supportive and non-judgemental enviroment to people who can relate, and you'll get the acceptance you feel you never got. And realize people wont hate or abandon you even when you expose your "dirty" secrets. He also suggest a supporting and non-shaming friend, partner, therapist etc. I will look into this. Thank you again for writing. Here's a playlist with him which I'm currently watching:

@eskwire Thanks. I have the book and read it. I have other books about self esteem and psychology too. Problem is I start working on it but then fall back. Backslide. I think I've lost hope. Yes my self-esteem is very low. It feels like if people really saw the real me there is no way it would be accepted. I don't feel I deserve happiness even. It also feels like I shouldn't just let go of my past and get away with what I've done. That I should continue to feel responsible for making other people's life difficult. Maybe they think too. I mean you even asked me if I had apologized to my mother. Even when people say hello and are nice, I think in the next moment they judge me. I don't trust anyone. Is there really real goodness in the world or is it all an act? A ego game with no authenticity? And no real compassion, only when you behave how others want you too?. My belief is that people are only judging everyone. Constantly comparing. The world seems like a bad place and so hostile. But maybe it's my mind that's a bad place and hostile, and I'm just projecting.

Lol, I want to clarify what I wrote that it rarely had anything to do with me. Sometimes it definitely did. But I started to took the blame for almost everything in how people felt and behave. Even more after I calmed down and became shy and quiet. It was still because I was bad I thought. To this very day, the legend has it