sgn

(not my video)

Nothing weird about that. In fact, I have this one on my nightstand which I kiss good night every evening.

Damn son. DO IT!!!!

Check this out: http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations

I've heard several times that a healthier ego is easier to transcend. Isn't the sense of self strongest with a unhealthy ego? Think of how personal everything will feel all the time. All the self-judgment, judgment of others, comparing, victim mentality. Isn't good self-esteem closely tied to compassion for others and compassion for yourself? With good self-esteem it should be that you're less focused on yourself and see yourself and others closer to equal. Important to make a distinction between self-esteem and self-defeating pride. "Self-esteem is a realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself. Realistic means accurate and honest. Appreciative implies positive feelings and liking. Some speak of high and low self-esteem, but this makes self-esteem seem like a numbers game that is competitive and comparative. It’s preferable to say simply that people possess self-esteem when they have a realistic and appreciative opinion of themselves. The figure below clarifies the meaning of self-esteem. Self-esteem is squarely between self-defeating shame and self-defeating pride. |------------------------------------------------------------|------------------------------------------------------------| Self-Defeating Shame Self-Esteem Self-Defeating Pride People with self-defeating pride are trying to be more than human. They are arrogant, and narcissistic, which means that they think they are better and more important than others as a person. Their view of others is vertical, or comparative, which is to say that to be on top means others must be below them. Self-defeating pride is often rooted in insecurity. Explore the lives of famous dictators, and you often find a complete lack of the parental antecedents that were discussed earlier. People with self-defeating shame, or self-defeating humility, believe that they are less than human. They view people vertically, and see themselves as the dust of the earth. They hold an unrealistic and unappreciative opinion of themselves. By contrast to the above views, people with self-esteem believe they are neither more or less than human. Knowing their faults and rough edges, they still are deeply and quietly glad to be who they are (Briggs 1977). They are like the good friend who knows you well and likes you anyway because they recognize the goodness, excellence, and potential that coexist alongside imperfections. People with self-esteem view others as equals, on a level or horizontal plane."

You sure?

I'm seriously questioning my sanity. I don't know if I'm being manipulated or not. I have always valued the opinions of others over my own. I have this one friend that I spend more time with than anyone else and he always think he's right. And I let him get away with it. That probably why he likes to spend time with me. Others have actually been disturbed by him too. But it's like over the last couple years I've believed him more and I question myself more. I'm always left with the feeling that the he's right and therefore I'm wrong. He's got a good side to which makes me feel awful writing and thinking this. I know this is a classic scenario in dysfunctional relationships. And why people stay. When I finally speak up he plays the victim and act like I have no right to get mad. And I feel guilty thinking I'm just overreacting. And he might say something about how nice he is to me and he gave me food or something. I catch myself using sarcasm and put down humor to him a lot as some kind of defense. Which I barely notice even because I've gotten so used to it. And therefore I question if it's my behavior to him that is worse than I think. Maybe he's not criticising me as much as I think. And maybe he's right. Maybe I do some too, and that's why he attacks. Anyway. This weekend I went to see him and we were going to eat and drink some beer (to celebrate midsummer in sweden). It ended up with just me drinking and he sober because he proposed that he could drive us to a pub instead of sitting at home. I agreed. We also met up with my sister and talked with her a bit before we drove off. He started critisising me for some stuff and my sister jokingly says that I'm slow. And he continues to criticise and say that I should've thought about taking with me my ID and he was annoyed that now we have to drive to my house first and pick it up before we leave to the pub. Even thou we NEVER drive anywhere to drink and he knows I never use my ID for anything. And I said this and spoke up. They asked me if I was getting angry now and I said yes. Then once again it's like I am the villain and overreacting. The thing is they actually made me unsure and I kinda believed them. It's one thing if one person criticise me but when they gang up doing it feels awful. Like they're parenting me, This incident was the final straw it feel like. Now I'm left with this surreal feeling. I feel crazy. Confused. It's like I'm losing all reliability of my own judgments. I broke down. It's like I don't know if I'm overreacting or not. One thing that I do now for sure is that these people are not good for me. Especially not my friend. It's dangerous when two personalities like his and mine get together I think. And I've been thinking that for a good while. It's like he can get me to start question everything about me or what I think and do. Surreal. And I'm pretty sure I have ADD, so I have this belief that others probably knows better than me.

Thank you. This got me thinking. When have people, especially family been the most honest and said what they really think of me? WHEN OTHERS IS AROUND. The worst things have not even been said directly to me but to another person, knowing that I'm listening. This makes me sick. I hope I don't do that shit too.

@Loreena Well yes I do act on my own opinions rather than theirs. But apparently I'm not allowed to speak up. People...

If I would give up the people pleasing I think I'm more likely to hurt others and I don't want that. If I would act like what I feel is authentic at the moment, then I probably would seem depressed and not interested in conversations. Maybe come of as disrespective, uninterested, not caring etc. So I sacrifice myself and act nice so others won't suffer because of my problems. Should I just stand and listen and talk to people when I don't give a shit? It feels wrong too give up this. I also think it obviously stems from a need for acceptance and all of that. And also that I remember all those things that people have said and done that I've disliked and judged them for. And then I set up all these rules like I can't do or say this or that, because then I might come of like "one of those persons". "Then I'm no better". Or like I shouldn't stare at people because they might get uncomfortable, but at the same time I shouldn't look away too much so I seem uninterested. It's like I think people are made of porcelain. Fragile and sensitive. But maybe I'm projecting because that's how I feel. But even I can handle pretty much. I don't die. lol But it feels like it doesn't make sense to me to risk causing even a little suffering in someone. Especially if I like them.

This article was interesting: http://www.cultivatingheroes.com/32/the-selfish-fear-of-hurting-others

zuuuuuuuuuuuuup? Thank you. It helps.

@hinawashi I see. Well is the goal most of the time I guess. But I can also feel some compassion for people. I think I would still feel I wanted to be nice to people even if I was approved of no matter what.

@Random User Lol Yes.

@Will Don't forget that Rally (Rali?) is enlightened as fuck as he says. Lol. Interesting to see how he has changed lately.

Yes I'll dig more deeper into it. I already have done that a lot and I think I have a pretty good idea why it it feels like it does.. I just once again realize that this might be the root of it all. Or the biggest factor at least. I have an idea how to go forward also. Thanks. (was that confusing? lol)

@S33K3R Hey! This makes sense. This sounds interesting actually. It got me thinking. I think "I will lose their approval". But I don't think that's thinking deep enough. What do I really think will happen more concrete is the question. It's like I think people will react with anger and shame me. Childhood all over again. Like now I misbehaved once again. I'm bad, I should be ashamed. This might make me feel anger. And I have this belief that I shouldn't show anger. I may believe I will end up abandoned also. Or people stop talking to me. I also got the feeling like when I'm in a group and there is talking. "Ok now the grown ups are talking, I need to be quiet and listen". Again stems from childhood.

Thanks for the responses. @Annetta I will check this out.

I have so much anger towards my family. I think I always had. My mom, my dad, siblings. I just see it more clearly now. I don't think they really respect me. Never did. My father once told me I can never do anything right. Which I've always already been telling myself. My sister have talked to others about me like I'm not there and said she thinks I'm unintelligent etc which I already been telling myself also all my life. Just some examples. It's like in these moments what they really think comes to the surface. And I also think they are to blame mostly for my lifelong low self-esteem. Because of all the stuff in childhood etc. The last couple of years they have been "good". But the damage is already done long time ago. They probably still have these opinions about me. I feel ashamed for having these thoughts and feelings about them. I haven't allowed myself that before. And also ashamed for how I am. Because some part of me think they are right and I deserve it. I don't know if I can forgive. I want to. But if they don't really respect me I don't feel like I want to be nice to them. And no I'm not perfect either.

@Random User WTF are you my clone?

Hehe ok. Well I meant that the emotions won't resolve themselves if I just ignore it. Like I said the past couple of years it's been ok. They threat me ok. But memories is still there. And I still believe they have negative opinions about me. Hmm..

@Eliu David Sosa Diaz Thanks. Haven't read those books no. The video on the other hand I have watched.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. 28. I moved back to my dad couple of years ago because of economical problems. Yes I've failed life. Yes I'm free in that way. But my head is a prison. I wouldn't feel free in a paradise, because other people would be there and I would think they are judging me. lol. I've always felt stuck. No drive. No enthusiam. No passion. It's like I've given up. I try to make changes but fall back. And fall back. And fall back. I stop believing. I'm very well aware of my victim mentally and my excuses.

@Snick I see what you are saying. No I don't actually feel like being nice that often. Conversations feels like a test for me. I'm not interested in anyone else life because I'm so fixated on myself and my own problems. And small talk feels so unimportant for me. I sometimes "create" questions just to show interest but I don't care. I have no enthusiasm. If I'm drunk I'm happy to talk about whatever bullshit that comes up. Just because then I like the connection. lol

@Joseph Maynor Thanks. Will check the book out. The self-esteem book I have. In fact I have other books about self-esteem also. I actually have quite alot of books about personal development. Problem is I don't take any action.