Trevor Herrick

Name: Trevor James Herrick Age: 22 Gender: Male Location: United States of America, Michigan Occupation: Discovery Marital Status: Single The yearning for personal development came suddenly for me after a decline in my mental health, about 3 years after high school, which i graduated from in June of 2014. I came out of school feeling rather stale and I was convinced I was in need of "work" experience. Thus I began "working" very soon after my graduation. My experience in two of two different vocations was that of a high degree of boredom, distortion and discomfort. My body was running on fumes from the conditioning my mind had received during my journey through public school and various other areas of my life. During my second vocation, I began showing signs of psychosis. I thought there was an organization of individuals out to find, abduct or maybe even kill me! But who am I really, right? ha ha! I was admitted to an inpatient mental care wing in a hospital for 13 days until the symptoms were suppressed by anti-psychotic medication which I clung to for an uncertain amount of time; long enough to induce a high degree of lethargy, laziness and apatite. The diet I was originally subscribed to was the typical american diet, it roughly consisted of excess salt, far too many carbs and far too often... pizza. This diet and how much I was eating lead to weight gain which was over 50 lbs. My body weighed over 190 lbs at one point... I didn't realize that the only reason I was eating so much was a result of the medication and how "unfulfilled" I felt within, but I can see it now as I reflect upon this experience. This combination of effects of the medication and my lack of awareness soon lead to mental anguish and what I would label as suffering. The whole world was in immense pain and the depression was severe, dark and hopeless. This lead to a change in diet after many months of suffering which stopped the anguish, suffering and pain. Now my diet is vegan, I take vegan supplements and for the first time in many years I have taken an interest in books related to existentialism and taking the time for a deeper look into what is really happening within the mind and within my augmented reality. Leo's self help course is enticing and I am already on board. I think my first question is, what is a thought, really? But now a great thing in the street Seems any human nod, Where shift in strange democracy The million masks of God. -G. K. Chesterton

Hello ladies and gentlemen of actualized.org, I want to know if anyone is experiencing a big depression in their lives right now because I know I have been depressed since I was very young, in elementary school. This has affected my for my entire life until this point, especially the actions I make to sabotage my self from learning which the depression may be an act of. I have enough doubt in my mind to stop me from learning about my self and what I do not know that I do not know because I do not often use my active memory or listening skill. It is extremely difficult to do that because of the darkness cloud and static that pollute my visual field almost every day of my life until a few days in august come around. I also start to drink in August because I realize the difference between what is true clarity and true depression; the difference is extreme. I need relief but I know I did not do as well as I could have in school, this may be because I was focused on causing turbulence in the lives of both my mother and father since I was able to read. This time could have been in preschool or even later into my childhood but I did this because they were not living together. I watched my father start a new relationship with another woman instead of my mother at his apartment and my mom has always lived in the same house. So I do not know when I started to slack in my education and I could have to start over as early as first grade if I really haven't learned enough to relieve my doubt about speaking to anyone; I am now 20 years old and completely alone except for my mother who reflects my self image. I know I do not make sense and considering what my relationship with my mom reflects, I am still a child but a legal adult. Did anyone else decide to stop themselves with dreaming by using fear? I know almost all of the action I made from my very early childhood until this time in my life has been made in order to make them both seem stupid but those people also effect my reactions. How to get out of this mess? Where do I begin? Even my high school education was not as good as it could have been.