nightrider1435

@John Flores These higher forms of consciousness do that to protect us I think. You don't want to jump from level one to 100 overnight. I naively thought I wanted to already be at level 100 in the beginning of my journey but I know better now. The universe is changing for me when it knows I'm ready, but like you said I still have clouds to clear up.

Good report man! Nice work.

@AstralProjection There is light at the end of the tunnel.

@Shin Sounds about right haha

@Pure Imagination Yep yep yep. I have had glimpses that cannot be unseen in the past couple months. It has been pretty uncomfortable but I'm starting to come around to just loving it, there is no other way. The monkey mind won't shut up about it haha. I haven't been doing inquiry enough I admit but when I do it can go deep... Basically who the fuck am I!?!?!?!? I had a pretty good glimpse of nothingness the other night when I was listening to Leo's guided inquiry. I need to start inquiring every day but I'm just a lazy mofo still. @Dodo For real though, why do we all project the struggle game so much... Haha

Sounds normal, just sit back and self observe. Continue your sds, your on the right track.

@abrakamowse I'm in this phase right now. Every word of that matches exactly to what has been happening to me lately. Basically one foot in and one foot out. This helped clear some things up, thanks for the share!

I find that the ego tries to make the journey more complicated than it should be when it's actually so simple that you tend to over look it, at least from my experience. I definitely need to learn how to relax more, thank you for sharing this!

If you can keep the mind focused on something you desire and go against limiting beliefs then results can happen whenever you want them to, really is up to you. Couldn't agree more.

@Shin Yes, everything simply just is, and being ok with "isness" seems to get easier everyday. I've been an introvert my whole life so I have always been comfortable with just being by myself. I've never had that many friends growing up and I use to beat myself up over it but after being on this journey I realize that I couldn't deal with fake people, true best friends are hard to come by. Being alone for long periods can still be painful though but it is getting easier. I'm in a pretty lonely phase in life right now, being a 2015 high school graduate, the few close friends that I had went to universities and I ended up just staying back to work. Usually when I'm alone I focus inwards because there is a whole world within that can be explored, and I'm starting to enjoy the process more and more each day. I can pretty much detach from my thoughts and ego whenever I want now. Anger has still been the tricky one but my awareness can see right through it, I snap out of it pretty quickly. I do not fantasize about the past or future as much as I use to, but my mind still wanders off into that sometimes. But now I can see how pointless that is and I can make myself snap into the now whenever the mind starts to wonder off into fantasy land. I try to maintain a healthy balance between my actions and thinking now. I use to be pretty bad about staying in mental masturbation. I can see oneness within my experience, especially if I'm moving or driving. I use to only see my body and thoughts one at a time but I'm starting to see them more as a whole instead of being separated. Yes, more than ever now. Difficult situations are becoming more easier to deal with because I face everything dead on instead of suppressing it in my head. I still do this, but I'm aware of it when I do. You know how people tend to judge others while talking in a group, saying " I can't believe he/she did this" or "What was he/she thinking when they did that", yeah I cannot be a apart of conversations like that anymore. No matter what anyone does now its hard for me to judge, I do not think I am better than anyone, no matter what their status in life is. I still tend to judge myself at times but I can stop and ask myself why? What's the point? Why be neurotic about your own self? I'm getting better at just carrying on when this happens, the judgments are still there but there is no meaning attached to it. After taking an acid trip I know that life is basically just a dream. Its just to obvious now to see it the other way around. I'm not sure, just because I've never tried doing straight nothing for hours on end. I am pretty content with just being in the present moment without having anything to do. I can find enjoyment by just staring at the beauty of everything. I just don't see a point in letting myself be emotionally triggered by people anymore. It is what it is. I could either be neurotic, get defensive, but why waste my mental energy? I'd rather just leave it be. As of right now I think I need more money to be happy, I have been craving success and financial freedom. I've been on a mission to earn more money, big picture understanding is leading the way... I just have to act. I don't think I will stop until I have a million dollars in my bank account, but I'm starting to question my motivations. I like to think having money will fulfill me but deep down I know it won't. I may have everything I need to be happy or maybe I don't, I'm just lost and confused on what I really want out of this life.

Am I close to having a awakening experience? I'm in a doubt because I think I've had two near breakthroughs, but I was under the influence of marijuana for one, and MDMA for the other. I'm not sure if these really count because I wasn't sober, but what I saw I will never forget. So I've been smoking much less than I have before after being a heavy user for quite some time. I didn't smoke for a period of five days, but the self was craving a toke bad so fuck it, just smoke and remain mindful. So after I finished smoking I began to notice waves of paranoia set in, like the kind of paranoia you experience when you first start smoking. I went in my room and began to mediate while listening to binaural beats. It felt like I had a vibrating string going from one ear to the other, it then spread to my legs and arms. I could feel this vibration go down my whole body and it was intense! During all this with my eyes closed it seemed like my awareness was this ball of light with the field of body/mind being wrapped around it in a full 360. All of this became a bit uncomfortable, I ended up taking my headphones out, but I continued to mediate in silence. My self image seemed like it was starting to slip away, my heart was beating so fast that it really felt like I was going to die. I tried to surrender but the voice in my head convinced me that I was actually going to die and never come back so I pulled back. I had a experience similar to the one above when I was mediating while on MDMA. All the tension in my body and breathe were completely gone. I have never experienced breathing this slow and relaxed. My breathes in and out seemed like they could go on for an eternity, especially while breathing out. Breathing out really seemed like it could just go on forever. Again my awareness seemed like a ball of light with all the sensations wrapped around it, like how the planets orbit the sun. This light would move around a bit here and there and my sensations would be pulled to it like gravity. It seemed like I was detached from everything in my experience but the breathe. The breathe at this point was the only thing keeping me anchored, but again I became to afraid to let it go because then where would I go? The unknown is pretty terrifying from a body/mind perspective. Would these be near awakenings, or are these just high meditative states? I'm guessing a true awakening would have to come from a still, sober mind.

You sound just like me, I made the self truly realize it's not real, not me, and it was terrifying. You are right, this is where acceptance/surrendering can begin to happen. I had to accept that I truly have no idea who I am. Your story literally matches mine haha, you have to accept. It's the ego trying to fight back.

I've noticed after being on this journey for about a year that my mind is very scattered, it has been all over the place. I have been overwhelming myself by trying to focus on to many things at the same time, in the end I feel stressed, frustrated, and most of the things that my mind would want to get accomplished would never get done. My awareness would keep bouncing from all these theories I had about what I should and shouldn't be doing with my life and it was just weighing me down, making it more difficult to actually have the will to take action when necessary. I have been living in this paradigm since my early teens and have been starting to carry it with me into adulthood but this realization hit me like a brick recently. So when I discovered Leo's world of personal development I approached it with this mindset. I watched his videos with big google eyes being excited about the content but not applying any of it to my life besides establishing a mediation habit. In the beginning I wanted to live the actualized life right fucking now, change it all in one night, I want it all now!! Well... shortcuts don't exist, you have to work for it, you have to want it. I'm now going back through the videos and choosing one at a time to work on and apply into my life. One step at a time. Any direction forward counts, no matter how big or small. We're seriously sitting on a fucking goldmine here. Another rant of mine that I wanted to share haha. I figured others will be able to relate to this as well.

@pluto Haha pretty much that! That's a good way to sum it up.

I dropped one tab of acid last Saturday. So far I've tripped on two grams of high quality mushrooms about a month and a half ago, I decided it is time to take another trip. I'm just dipping my feet in the water so far in the psychedelic world, I'm realizing how powerful this shit is. I don't want to dive in the deep end just yet. Acid is I would say more smooth and clean compared to a mushroom trip. A mushroom experience seemed wild because It felt like I was barley in control and I was tripping on my thoughts and everything in my experience basically. Once the acid kicked in I began to feel a great body high, and my awareness seemed to be slammed almost 100% into the present moment. The materialistic view looked flat, like it was drawn out on a piece of paper and I was just looking at it. I could sense that there was absolutely nothing outside of my experience. I was able to understand for the first time that my experience was infinite, like it really just started to make sense. I was looking at my door, then my hand, and it was like a AHA moment, it just really clicked. Another insight I had is I realized that my life was never real in the way I thought it was. What life really is.. is just a huge collection of stories just playing out. I've seen people mention this on the forum before, but before this experience it was just a belief, but now its an understanding. It was a real holy shit moment for me. Life seems like just one big cluster fuck of game that really shouldn't be taken to seriously. All your greatest achievements and desires that you want out of your life already exist right now. The "you" that you want to be someday is already alive and conscious right now, its more like you have to make your way through this huge fucking maze that we call life to find it... because it already exists! It makes more sense to me that we truly do not lack anything, and the universe will try to help you get there, it is not against you, but if you blow off the hints it gives you than you might be missing out and not even be aware of it. During the trip it seemed like my ego was just there but with no sense of direction to go. It seemed like the ego is just a dot trapped inside of square just bouncing off all the sides. I guess you could compare the ego to a tornado that is trapped within experience, it swirls around and wants to say I am this! and I am that! But after a year of mediation I can see right through that trick now, its like nope, we are not that, nor that, or this... haha. Worries.. anxieties... all that shit is just a game that your ego plays, and you really do not have to live that way. So at some point in the trip It just really hit me how I've been living my life since I was 15 really, I am 21 now. I have been in a paradigm of just running the fuck away from reality... retreating to my head so I could hide, not wanting to deal with life. Started smoking weed occasionally at the age of 15, turned into every day at the age 18, then I got heavily into wax and oh man... I wish I never started that shit. Started running from all my emotions, suppressing them, not giving a fuck about my life, myself, or anyone really. I Basically just turned into this fogged out asshole not giving a fuck about anything. I was really beating myself up over this. There's more to it on why I basically hate myself but I'm not trying to vent my whole life story here. I've been doing all this mediation the past year and I'm now waking up to all the demons in my subconscious. It's like I've been living my life with the emergency brake left on the past six years. Alot of hate, resistance, suppressed emotions, my ego is trying to play the victim game, wants to be neurotic about why life sucks, throwing everything it can at me. But my awareness is so high... I see right through all of it now, all that shit is just there but that's it. So at this point in my journey I'm realizing my ego needs some work, and self love, a bunch of it. There is much hate in me, it really doesn't want to open up to love but its starting to come around. All I can say is... I'm fucking glad I'm on this path, hope this can be inspirational to others!

@FirstglimpseOMG Thank you. This journey started going deep after using psychedelics, it is starting to change me, I'm starting to have more energy than I know what to do with. Colors in my vision field look different, as if I'm seeing them in a different shade, hard to describe. It's hard for me to eat sugary food, I can barley stomach junk food now. Caffeine is just unnecessary, I drank a energy drink not to long ago and I thought my head was going to explode, felt like I was on Adderall. It's hard to sit around and be lazy anymore, it's like my mind can't take it, I need to be productive now. After watching Leo's recent video I'm like yep, my mind has been stuck in theory, I'm realizing I need to make changes in my life, it's not even an option for me anymore, it has to happen. It's going to be a difficult transition.

Coming from someone around your age, I can see where your coming from. All I can say is, it's a big adjustment to take in because you have never been use to seeing reality this way, it will take time but you will start to come around.

@Visitor I'm slowly feeling better the longer I stay aware of fear and shock, I just locate where I'm feeling it in my body and stare at it basically, learning how to accept. I'm slowly becoming ok with it, each day seems to get better. After typing that out I realized I approached spirituality with the wrong intention, I was trying to use it as my new escape. The whole big picture here is damn important, I'm starting to see it. I focused only on increasing awareness and neglected everything else. You don't know until you know but now I know, live and learn. I got the level of awareness I wanted but it's like my whole life has to catch up to it. It's like the universe was saying so you want crazy mindfulness huh? Are you sure...? Ok here it is.. now go!

I have experienced dramatic changes in my awareness in the past couple months. I had a rude but much needed awakening to the reality of my life and it completely caught my ego off guard. I am a 21 year old male, and it seems like what would had been years of maturing took place in just a couple months. I wasn't aware of how immature I would get, to much lashing out in the lower self, to much rage, to much hate, to much neglect of life responsibilities and to myself. I wasn't aware of the extent of how much suffering I was carrying within me, it was that subtle. In addition to that, I was turning to weed to escape it all, I let weed control me, it became my crutch. I was digging myself a hole and it was only getting deeper, it was starting to scare me on how many fucks I didn't give. I've been viewing life through a thick neurotic weed fog consumed in my lower self for way to long. During all these years its like there was a voice way in the back of my mind, behind the thick cloud, saying you know your better than this.. and I was just choosing to keep running. That voice must had been loud enough because it kept me away from harder drugs... and believe me I was tempted. So right now my awareness is seeing the dark side within my ego, and I can sense my paradigm wanting to shift. My ego is putting up a fight though, its literally clinging on wanting to stay miserable. Throughout the day I'll get sucked into negative thinking, doubting my self and my actions, but then my awareness can see behind it. When I say I'm shocked I really mean I'm fucking shocked, this was such a dramatic change in my view of reality, I have been walking around the past couple weeks just in a daze. My ego is trying to play this off, but it's like no... we can't pretend nothing is going on here. I'm also trying to play off being scared, and again I can't ignore this anymore, this is so deep and real now. Psychedelics and MDMA mixed in with a year of daily mediation changed my world view completely, this almost feels like handing a three year old a loaded gun with the safety off and saying well... I hope nothing goes wrong. I have been trying to stay mindful 24/7 now, it is a huge priority. Whenever my mind wanders it tends to wander off into negative thoughts, worries, doubt, and I'm so sensitive to all of that now. When my ego isn't focused on that I feel great but when it does its hell. I try to focus on my breathe, or when the mind starts to wander I label whatever it focuses on like see, feel, hear, etc, and just keep on doing that. But the ego can still get me engaged in this stuff, and whenever I snap out of it its like holy shit. I don't want to keep re suppressing all this stuff in my subconscious that my mediation brings out, I'm realizing that's a big no. I know I need to start taking action instead of just sitting on my ass mediating, it seems like real work can begin now. My intuition is starting to nudge me in the right direction. The universe is pretty much showing me what videos of Leo that I need to watch again and start putting in work. The focus now is pointed towards positive affirmations and visualizations. I'm pretty confident I'm on the right track, I just wanted to put this out here because this forum makes me feel more comfortable and I like to see what people have to say.

Sounds awesome to me, damn I wish I could join haha.

@Huz I'm glad I can reach to others like me, good luck to you as well! @Arkandeus @Leo Gura Appreciate the feedback guys. These experiences have really made me wake up to life. I have to say I totally underestimated the power of what they could do for my awareness.

I'm in the same boat as you. The more mindful you become, the more action you need to take. What has been helping me lately is practicing the labeling technique, as you go about your day just be labeling your sensations, feel, hear, see, etc. Especially when your having negative thoughts, just label it and savior the sensation. This has been helping me greatly. Hope this helps!

I can relate 100% to this. This is a huge trap that I didn't become really aware of until recently. I've been in kind of a panic the past two weeks, but now I realize its because my ego was trying to remain the same with my addictions and neurotic patterns. I'm becoming so aware of my suffering now, its crazy. I also realized I took my defense supports down and my ego has never been so exposed, its time to face everything dead on instead of retreating back to my head. Awareness truly is curative, I'm probably going to have to suffer more and more before change starts to happen. That statement right there scares the shit out of me but also excites me at the same time.

If I'm mediating in the morning then I always drink one cup of coffee before I start, but drinking coffee has been in my morning routine for awhile now. Yes it can enhance a mediation session, especially if you have a low caffeine tolerance. In my opinion it can help but I wouldn't want to depend on caffeine to help me mediate all the time because it acts like a mask over your natural state of being.

I've managed to really start digging into my self, and I'm starting to see the dark side of my subconscious. I have been trying my best to remain present throughout the day, but I am just really sensitive to my emotions right now, it has been a handful. I am using psychedelics as well and each experience changes my world view when I come out of it, and it stays. Now I'm sitting here wondering, am I going to fast, do I need to slow down? Should I just mediate and chill out with psychedelics for awhile? I'm getting concerned that I may see to much to quick and fuck myself up, but at the same time its like I've been addicted to my spiritual progress lately and I just want to keep going and going and going... Actually I just need to go back and re watch Leo's videos because its been a while