The Monk

No this is not a joke. Recently I was scrolling through my Quora feed and found a picture of a game, which is shown down below, as poor pussy, which is a 1950s kids game. I didn't search for this, I accidentally came across it, and I ended up getting a boner, which I found extremely worrying, depressing, and disgusting since it contains picture of kids. Before this I was watching porn, and the sexual positions they were utilizing were similar to these ones. So, I want to know am I a pedo? or am is this normal and am I worrying too much? I have been seriously trying to figure this out for the last few days, crying and feeling super down and depressed and looking to porn for stress relief, which is only making things worse. I also continually re imagine the image to see if it causes me to get a boner, sometimes I get a boner, but most of the time it don't but the fact that I did get one is ruining my life. btw I'm a heterosexual male age 21, so I want to know if it's just my biology causing it, or am I seriously messed up. This is the image attached is what's causing me all this trouble. Any help would be appreciated, idk who to turn to but, I know one thing for sure and that's that I want to change the world for the better, and I don't want to be a monster. I've added you few people to help offer me advice, since I think you are capable of giving good advice, and that's what I need most right now @cetus , @Charlotte, @Nahm @Evil Raccoon @Roy @Julian @Amit @DLH @Max_V @Parththakkar12

@Raptorsin7 I think it might be OCD, but I have head that people have be locked up for asking therapists for help about these pedo fears, and so I'm probably not going to do that. I don't believe I am a pedo, but I am known to be an overthinker, and a compulsive worrier sometimes. What I believe is best for me is the following: establishing a meditation habit so I can practice mindfulness again. establishing a good life for me, with nice external circumstances. learning about how to keep a healthy mental state and reading some books on CBT so I can perform it on myself lol Reading and doing alot more praying to god, since I heard that also helps alot of people Spending more time with nature to enjoy life How does that sound to you? I feel relieved. Now I think it's time for me to start a new chapter of my life thank you all so much for your help

@Raptorsin7 is it normal for a 21 year old heterosexual male to get a boner to the above picture? I was so worried that I was a pedo that I imagined doing it with the girl, and 4/5 times I didn't get a boner, but then I got a boner when I imagined going inside. It made me feel even more disgusted, and sick to my stomach, that I had to watch more porn to ease the pain. I was so scared of the potential that I even stayed away from the 18+ section on porn, so I went to only the elderly women section I went to bed crying that night. I really want the question answered if this is normal or not. Since I never studied science properly, so I don't know how the male body works, and the penis especially.

@Nahm My meditation habit got completely destroyed to nothingness from about a year ago and I have been hesitant to return to it. Do you think returning to that habit will help with these thoughts? and help my mental well-being? Is that the solution?

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. So, what I will do is accept the worse possible outcome, since that will help I believe. But, I will tell myself I'm only doing this to minimize my suffering. Besides, I suppose it doesn't matter if I am that or not, if I never act upon it I suppose I am no different to a normal human being, right? Only problem is that I 100% know that I am sexually attracted to women, so I think this might confuse me later on, and keep me worrying that I am that which I fear, any suggestions?

@ajasatya @Serotoninluv and @Anna1 I also believe you guys give good advice. I'd greatly appreciate any advice you give me in relation to this matter? I vowed to sit at my computer all day, until I get this issue resolved.

@Raptorsin7 Some people here said I have likely have OCD, but you're telling me I am a pedo and I should just accept that. I'd rather die man... Fuck me, I hate myself and I don't want to ever be that, I want to make kids smile not cry. But you'll say well you can still be a good person, no if I don't have certainty that I'm not a pedo, I feel like it's going to kill me slowly.

@Nahm Did you manage to get my message? Sorry if I said anything to disturb or offend you, if that's the reason as to why I'm being ignored, I am deserving of it. So please forgive me I just really need some help, when I'm at one of the worst points in my life.

@Roy dude, I feel even more sickened with myself, since I feel like I must have said something wrong for you to not respond to me. Am I messed up? Please tell me honestly dude, I'm sorry.

@Roy I'll pm you since I really want to clear my head up. Also, thanks for the advice.

@Nahm I'm understanding that my body emotional response is a thought, but what do I do with that info? so you're saying that if my thought is a figment of my imagination then so is my emotional response? omg, it feels like I'm being mindblown

@Nahm I'm trying to, but I haven't been getting any response, and I feel like I'm missing something here. @Ry4n Which of his books do you recommend for me, as I'd actually like to pick some up just to start my healing process. But, do you think that, his books alone are enough to resolve this issue I'm facing?

@Ry4n I'm just so terrified man, so you're saying to ensure that I get a good one, I should go to the psychology department in the uni? Or go online? But how do I know if the online one is good? I really feel like I need to get rid of this uncertainty, then tackle the issue head on. I feel like can't keep being a whining little bitch about this issue. I want to take action, but I don't want records of me stating that I could be that. @Nahm so you're saying the thought that I'm having is generating this emotional response?

@Nahm by looking at my body's emotional response to it?

@Ry4n Dude, this person seems to be doing the exact same shit I'm doing, I'm so relieved. But, the only difference is that I had that boner fuck I hate this. Fuck this uncertainty seriously.

@Ry4n Is it fine if I do online therapy with a licensed psychologist. Because atm, I a college student broke, and I'm super worried that if I do talk to a psychologist in the UK they will get me on drugs, but I just want to do CBT, figure out what I am, and live a good life, that allows me to help others. Also, I'm scared of getting kicked out of University, here in the UK because of I'm scared of what will happen if they have records of this. @Nahm I just realized you can't tell if a thought is true, because it's a thought. Thoughts don't exist they're figments of your imagination.

@Ry4n Thanks dude, but you're sure they won't lock me up? Or that it won't be written down on a criminal record? I know that some people can be wrongly accused of stuff, even if they didn't do it. So, if a case occurs and they have records of me saying this shit, surely they're going to suspect me and maybe at worst even imprison me. I'm always been known to be an over thinker as well, tbh. I did spend 1/2 weeks being haunted by the fact that I might be gay, so what I did was keep imaging having sex with my friends to see if I get a boner. But the fact that I got that boner to the image above is what's destroying me. Is this normal, seriously? Why did this happen? btw, thanks so much for your support dude, I feel like I can't reach out to anyone. By the way, I'm not angry at your or anything, it's myself that should be blamed. I'm pretty sure OCD cases, don't get arousal. Do they? That's what I'm worried about most. I am a straight male though that watches porn, so idk if my brain is wired to be aroused by anything sexual or not to be honest. I really pray that I am an OCD case or idk how I'm going to deal with this. @Charlotte thank you I'll definitely look into that. @Nahm I just realized you can't tell if a thought is true, because it's a thought. Thoughts don't exist they're figments of your imagination.

@Rilles So you think I am that which I fear, and getting a boner to this picture is not normal for a heterosexual male who watches porn? I really don't want to be this seriously, please help me. I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to smile again if I am. I'm probably going to end up living in the woods somewhere to isolate myself from humans, because of the monster I might become.

@Charlotte No, I've never questioned these beliefs. But, what could I potentially obtain from doing so? Also how would I do that, since I've never done that before? Also, I was thinking it my be P OCD, but then again there's always the possibility that It's not and that's what scares me. @Ry4n thanks dude, but how can I know? What if I go to the therapist and they're like nope. You're not an OCD case, your a pedo, lock him up. Please stay here, while I call the cops.

@Nahm I can tell if a thought about myself is true, if reality illustrates to me that I am what I think I am.

@Nahm I usually look at what others say about it and the scientific consensus, or general consensus to see whether I conform to those guidelines or meet the criteria. Especially, if I'm uncertain. And I feel as if the uncertainty surrounding this topic is killing me. But the fact that you guys are helping me, is making me feel happier, because I reached out before to others for help but they don't even bother to reply. so thank you both, I really appreciate your help

@Charlotte I've always been labeled as stupid, by my teachers, schoolmates. etc I suppose so that's why I look to others to guide my judgement. Thank so much, It feels like I'm actually learning about myself and unlocking my deep rooted problems/beliefs. I would go to therapy, but I'm scared they will put me on drugs or send me to jail. Just for having this boner

@Charlotte I feel like the answer is that I'm not a pedo. So, it's my mind that's creating all this suffering, but I still feel like I want someone to tell me that I'm not.

@Charlotte sure

@Charlotte my mind, and I'm scared what if I am that which I hate most.