There are a lot of replies, I will try to address every one of them. Thank you, you guys are wonderful!
@daing So, ever since I can remember I felt I could relate to people only half-way. I even was in a 7 year relationship, an emotional and sexually abusive one, and since the very beginning of it (the first and the second year, maybe?) I felt like this person wasn't going to make me happy. I kind of let myself go, since this seed inside of my brain was growing and was telling me I wouldn't find anyone better. So, I should count my blessings. I have been single since 2 and a half years ago (I ended the commitment myself) and it's been a real roller-coaster of emotions and self knowing.
Anyway, what's making me really want to get over this is a crush I've developed with a friend. We've known each other since before my relationship with this other guy, and my friend always had this kind of aura around him.... I can't explain, but something kept me looking up to him, even during my relationship. We started to approach each other more one and a half years ago at a time when I had passed "the slutty" phase, but was really trying to be best self and to just be. When he started inviting me to be around him, and talking more with me I didn't see his sweet gestures in a romantic way. But when I did notice this was turning into romance, the ideia of being with him became overwhelmingly good... and it started to scare me. We've been seeing each other almost every week since then - we now share some projects together - but nothing sexual happened, nor even a kiss. What I felt was that I had this walls around me, and since I was like that, he also became more difficult to read. I had issues to settle with my parents (I'm still working on it) and many blocks that prevent me from falling hard with him.
As for the situation right now: I got tired of the game, back and forward kind of love. So I confronted him, only to get rejected. I did invite him out a couple of weeks before that conversation, but when he accepted I became overwhelmed with the feeling and.... well, I just got out from the car, just like that. I guess he felt hurt by my behavior, so he acted like that, like "I've been hitting my head in the wrong tree, so I don't care anymore with how she feels"... But with the rejection he left an open door, by saying "this is a friendship.... for now" and now I am really trying to overcome this blocks and staying the best version of myself, always. I ended up opening a lot more to him, and he also showed concern with me, for rejecting me. I feel closer to him than ever!
@Jecht Spencer This is one thing I am doing Jecht... I kept telling my love adventures to everyone, as if I was looking for approval. But I guess everyone has his own issues, and I ended up having more than 10 possibilities to act, only to now follow any of them.... because none of them was MINE. After being rejected, I tried to figure out how I felt.... I felt blame. I felt like this was my doing, for not being able to just flow with the moment. He is very reserved too, I guess he needs some assurance from me.... that I wasn't doing because I felt very insecure and very lost... and when he did make advances, I felt overwhelmed with the feeling, so I closed more. In the end, I felt like I didn't give him the respect he deserves. Do, I figured out I didn't want to shut him - which, BTW, is what 90% of my friends tell me to do.
@Ayla thank you! I didn't think of that one, and it may be one of the vows I took as a child. I was ugly and whenever I revealed my true feelings I felt like everyone made fun of them. Now that you've mentioned that thought, I remember thinking "please don't see me, please don't talk to me" in several occasions! How did you deal with it?
The following thoughts were formed during my childhood:
I am not enough;
I will never be understood;
I won't receive what I want, so I must be content with what I get;
I will always be bullied, so I must make favors to have friends;
I must always be aware with how I behave, I must be a good girl. Someone's watching;
My needs are pathetic;
I am always alone. I will always be like that;
I am not loved.
The only love I receive is given when I am a good girl, because that's what my parent's do. If I am myself, my mother punishes me. So I must be a good girl.
.... the list goes on and on. This actually influences every aspect of my entire life! School, work, family, friendships, love life. I would be ok with this of this was in tune with my intuition... and it isn't. I end up feeling unfulfilled and regret not doing a handful of things.
@xauroragoddessx, PM?
@PalleroNot just that Pallero. I am trying to reveal more even with the relationships I consider shallow. I really believe we are the ones to build deep relationships, they don't really land on own lap. I am still astonished with the amount of knowledge I've gained in the last year, more or less the time I started personal development - when I took the MBTI personality test. This has been life changing, and I don't intend to stop here!
@A way to Actualize Matt Kahn? I'm going to look into it! Do you know Teal Swan (or Teal Scott)? She has a youtube channel, and two books on self love. I follow her weekly video - as I do with Leo's. Leo speaks with a more scientific and rational perspective, Teal is a spiritualist. But in one of her videos she told the following exercise:
When making a decision, think always in this question: "What would someone who loves him/her self do?" The answer is the first thought that pops into your mind. Mark on the calendar today's date, and do this every single day, and occasion, for a whole year. After that, you won't be able to make decisions in other way!
I hope you find this exercise useful! <3
