SenshiAna

Hello there! After watching Leo's episode about spiral dynamics, I view my behavior and ideas mainly in stage green, with some traces of orange. My country, Portugal, display many blue traces. It's society is rooted in catholic ideologies and it's influence is still very present. I myself grew up in a very religious family, though when I turned 18 I decided to step away from that. I accept blue values, but I choose not to be part of those. In work field, I am surrounded by orange behavior... and I suffer in there. I like cooperative thinking and team work. I understand hierarchy and the good things they bring, but I hate that same people higher in hierarchy forget other people's collaborating. I often see ideological stealing, manipulation and lying and all for someone's own success. Even if I think "don't share your ideas and your reasons for doing certain things" I end up behaving as I think I should.. only to end up feeling used and diminished by some of my colleagues. I feel anger and frustration watching that behavior. Don't get me wrong; being a "green" teacher actually gets me more respect and collaboration from my students and other colleagues. I like the way I am, despite feeling I don't fit in my company. So my question for those around here is: how do I survive in a blue/orange society while keeping my green ideas?

Or.... Sex isn't a need until it is.... IDK... IMO it all depends on the individual

I stopped being desperate for sex almost a year ago. And by that I mean I stopped looking for casual sex and one night stands. But... by sex do you guys also mean masturbation? Quality solo time [without porn!] is very important, if not more important than sexual intercourse with other people.

@Baby I used to have the same issues: lot's of pain, lack of will to live. I cried a lot over nothing... I also felt very uncomfortable during my menstruation, like repulse and heavy belly. As for my eating habits, I had a very bad diet, based on carbon hidrates and sugar. I used to eat bread in every meal, even the main ones and I used to drink a lot of cow milk. I changed that several months ago, and it makes a huge diference, Also, I have tried some techniques and habits from here --> My Tiny Secrets My orgasms increased a lot in quality, as well as my self esteem and self acceptance. So, by trying all of this I've lost that "disgusts" feeling about my periods and I've started being a lot more comfortable. The pain decreased a lot, to the point of being almost painless. My mood got a lot better also, although I feel a little blue during my period.

@falobma it's complicated Looking for advice, in some extent, may be a good thing. When being unexperienced, just go for it and learn from your mistakes can be quite frightening. But the truth is.... human relations and life experience cannot be theorized, it must be lived, so there's no way to go around this. Also, be careful with the people who do give you advice: who are they? What's their history? Are they positive oriented, or negative? Are they like-minded? Are they fulfilled? They could project their lives in your words, and tell you how you should react, according to how they reacted to a similar situation (but your real situation). When looking for advice always remember that it's what other people would do based on their own beliefs, subs-conscious mind and experiences. They are not you. What I tried to avoid, however, was making fantasies and scenarios in my head. I cannot tell you how hard that turned out to be! It's psychology... because when you imagine being "there" often, you kind of trick the brain into thinking you already achieved your goal, so you stop trying, you start thinking in "what ifs", you procrastinate and you may sabotage the whole situation. If you are always talking about your dreams and goals, your mind makes the same thing, by getting used to the idea actually bringing fulfillment and not the real situation, in person. So you kind of stop acting, when you talk about it. The actual "talking" is not bad, IMO: it's what you conscience makes of it that can slow down and even sabotage real stuff.

I struggle with the same issue. It's as if by telling someone about my crush and about the moments I am with him I am actually looking for guidance (as if I didn't trust anything in myself) and it's as if I am looking for arguments that actually tell me NOT to act upon my feelings. Looks like somewhere inside there's this barrier to the success of the relationship, so I keep looking for approval NOT to act and to stay put. It's so confusing!! Furthermore, I WANT intimacy. I want connection... and sometimes the crush is very very very strong, and reciprocated. It's frustration, and it leads me to believe I am not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship.

Something like this happened to me this summer: there is this sexy girl who is just someone I happen to know, and just because she made a bitchy comment to me (she wasn't expecting I would be so energetic and cheerful, just because I appear to be so calm and peaceful). Some months after I thought I would encounter her and I thought how she anoyed me. So when I did spend some time with her she would give me a very very hatefull stare! I noticed it and even my friends noticed, mentioning it to me. So my conclusion... She manifested the vibe I was sending in the first place. Even if not, i may have stared at her in a weird way, she may have noticed, and so she may have thought I was the bitchy one, and this became a cicle.

@7thLetter, she may have other reasons to be playing hard to get. I was [still am?] in a similar situation with a friend, though he never asked me out. I am very into him, and I have been like this ever since when he started making obvious he was into me. Nothing happened between us and it hasn't to do with the fact of me being playing hard to get just for the pleasure f playing games with another human being or because I have other options. I have blocks on my road, I have a past with men trying to take advantage of me, and I have a history of giving too much too soon. I suffered from it, I cried my heart out and I promised to myself I would take things easy when falling in love. So probably this girl is giving you mixed signs because she may be trying to read you too, or she is trying to make you reach a point in the attraction building where she can feel safe enough to give herself. Anyway, all of this can be settled for both sides (because I also get you and your desperation) with a honest conversation between you two.

This is, maybe, the no 1 issue in my life right now: why am I always being taken for granted? I have strong opinions, sometimes I think they are based in a black and white way of thinking, but despite that I am seen as a sweet and nice young woman who is available to lean a hand to help. I always remember it to be like this and this week I had 4 triggers, the last one was today, that made me want to lean deep into this question. So I made the effort to really analyse each situation and think: How many times have I taken THEM for granted? My answer: maybe a lot more than them to me... How many times do I take MYSELF for granted, and leave the control of my relations and my life in auto-pilot? A lot... How many times have I taken myself for granted in "hidden" forms? It's scary to think I take every thing about myself for granted... my health, beauty, good mood, capacities to work things out, intelligence, forgiveness, daily life, etc... So my thoughts now: what are your thoughts and strategies to deal with this kind of situation?

I do think a lot of it has to do with a tendency I notice in my living style, which resumes to not acting - and by this I don't only mean procrastinating. I think a lot, I theorize a lot. I think so much I usually forget my feelings and intuition. Sometimes I get mesmerized with the amount of stuff I can figure out with my head, but as for putting all of it into use... well that's a whole different story I end up doing only 10% or 20% of what I think I can do, which often leads to frustration and unfulfillment. I recall @Leo Gura mentioning something like this on his last video: thinkers are less inclined to be successful. So yeah.... In these last 2 years I kind of... put myself in autopilot mode and let life fall on me. I already have too many indicators I need to balance this overthinking personality trait with more "doer" habits.

@Ayla, I understand Now for strategies... 1. I'll create a detailed list of similar situations I've caught myself doing/experiencing this. 2. Then, maybe I should identify the belief inside myself that give strength and makes it manifest in real life. 3. List the affirmations that may be linked to it. 4. Try to, as you said, be observant to how this keeps repeating itself, and stop it.

@Ayla: Could you explain further? Is this a hidden belief in my subconscious mind? Oh an thank you for moving my topic into a more congruent sub-category.

It's not about wearing heals or makeup. It's about... Just being the best version of yourself (inside and out). It's about being confident enough to trust and let yourself go with the flow, although your fears and insecurities. I was wondering the same as you when I stumbled across The Feminine Woman. Take a look into it, there is some interesting content there.

I think she is very down to earth in her vídeos... Ok, spiritual stuff, things from other dimentions, but if you look at a lot of her content, it has to do with a lot of our psycology. I resonate with a lot she says, though I filter some information. It takes some amount of openness to really understand her.

Like @Lynnel said: don't concentrate on the lack: it will make you stress and put out the wrong vibe. Instead, develop gratitude practices and openness towards others - and everyone! When paying for coffee, when going to the supermarket, at school, at work... whatever. This will train you to be in a cheerful and calm state of mind. Also, by doing that you will balance your feminine energy too. You will feel most certainly more happy! It's when you concentrate on the lack that you become unhappy and it's wilting your shine. As for the wrong people you mention, try to identify what is it that you are doing that are attracting these guys. Men that only want to "ride your bicycle" will always be around, but for some reason they are bothering you. You are above all of that. Be straightforward with your wants and needs, and eventually the ones that don't matter will begin to appear less of a problem.... unless you do want to keep this kind of man...

While searching about self improvement, relationship and emotional work, I realized the things that are preventing me to really establish deep connections with other people is fear of intimacy. We go on day after day using this mask that is made to protect us from being seen for what we truly stand for. Also, we put in our heads the belief that if a friendship or a love attachment cools itself than it's for the better, and it means it is not meant to last - so it's better to let go. So, we end up being restricted to our daily relations that are built on the masks we wear and not for our true self. We limit ourselves to show only what people would most likely accept, and not for who we really are. In fact, I also realized in my personal experience that when I do show my true self to someone and that person shows appreciation for it, the feelings is so unusual and overwhelming that I end up closing my self. So, even when I receive, I don't know how to be grateful, and end up not trusting the offer and the person's intentions. Also, it's very funny and at the same time frightening how this fear also happens in other areas of my life (work, school, family, finances,... ). One can say the fear of intimacy and of deep love takes the form of fear of success and control. In sum, it is altogether fear of abundance. I did some shadow work, to understand what is the core belief that is preventing me from accepting abundance. I've found episodes with my family and friends where I felt unaccepted for my true feelings, where I was laughed at and punished for being who I was, and for speaking my mind. I suffered from being me, I was bullied at school and eventually I felt like nothing I did could change the way I felt and the way people treated me. Every smile people gave me, every approval of my ideas, all the generosity I received was not worth it... and it was only to ask for favors in return. I ended up not being able to trust anyone, or in any situation. And as life goes by, it's as if the same emotion is present in what is unfolding in front of me. This is not making me any good... In fact, it never did. Now I would like to change my situation... So... what to do? Is anyone in here that relates to this too?

BTW, I noticed we are discussing the number of sexual partners, but we haven't discussed as much the quality of the sex we are getting from these partners. Personally, my quality of life improved a lot in proportion to the quality of sex I was getting.... with my own self. Masturbation, and most importantly quality masturbation, has played a HUGE part of my life since becoming single. Having quality orgasms has made my self esteem grow considerably! Anyway, I think it all depends on the partner we have, and not just the variety, and as well as the quality of it.

I follow Matthew Hussey's content. I also recommend it!

From personal experience, being a girl who considers herself sexually confident, and being a girl born in a country that still struggles with tradicional/modern models: society doesn't define you, and one shouldn't be a people pleaser... But being labeled as a slut doesn't help either. Number doesn't count: one needs to experience enought sex to discover herself and to discover her own personality values. Right NOW I don't engage in casual sex, because I am looking for other things - like connection. It wasn't the number that made me stop engaging in one night stands, but defining what I want and what I am looking for.

@Niki yes... That's a smart way to say it, "not sure who runs the show". Also, sometimes I forget life isn't inside my head, and put myself in autopilot mode, while living in my head. I can't name all the dangerous and unpleasent situations i've been through because of this small fact about myself. I have to remind myself constantly that life isn't lived in my head. And the more insecure I get, the worse. It becomes an excape... @Vlad Sandu, it's a struggle not having our childhood define us, we are much more than that. We are what we are at each minute of our lifes! It's no use to push the pause button and dive in my head when what's livable is what is in front of me... But this is scary!

@Kallan: Like @Natalya said, it's ok to sleep around to gain some experience - and I am not only talking about sexual experience, but also learning how the other gender operates. But you should be careful, however: it's food for the ego, and if you don't have your goals clear in your head, you may end up being used and hurt / using others and hurting them. Always be straightforward with your intentions, and ask for the same from the guy. I was 7 years in a relationship with my first bf, and though I never cheated on him, the thought os "how's it like with other guys?" came across my mind several times. So, yeah... gain some experience before mr. RIght

@Niki Sometimes it works wonderfully, sometimes I get some doubts. But she did say we need to get the head out from the way, because that's resistance. She really believes all the answers are deep inside ourselves. The truth is, I often find out I act better with my intuition than thinking and overthinking stuff. What happens with me, sometimes, is I end up making decisions thinking I am listening to my intuition, but I am only listening to my mind. So I end up making moves and decisions based on prejudice and bad beliefs thinking it's my inner self speaking. I still need to work on that...

So, I came across with this disorder and I am seriously thinking I display at least 4 parameters of it. In fact, I am at this precise moment avoiding an appointment with a friend, because I don't feel like going. This is getting me worried, and I am really thinking my intimacy issues have to do with this.... ----> Check it here: Is anyone in here acquainted with this disorder?

@Kelley White: Oh wow, there's a lot to reply to! I'll try to cover as much as I can. Got it! I'll make the exercises you propose right away! I am a different person when I am around him. I tend to close myself up, and make some kind of a mask. He must have noticed it (guys pick this kind of vibe). I feel like I have got my ego doing the work, instead of the "higher me". Usually, I am very affectionate and colorful - specially around animals and children - but around him I am so closed and stiff.... I did confront him, 3 months ago. I felt him leading me to a corner. I guess I was confusing him all along... He said "this is a friendship... for now". He left the door open, for hanging out and calling him, but only as a friend. I did make a lot of gaming, mainly because I didn't want to spoil things with him. So I kept following advice from other people, without following what I really wanted - that was being truthful to him. The half-rejection felt like a relive. I felt my heart so open at that time but at the same time I felt a bucket full of cold water being emptied above my head. After "processing" it, after crying a LOT, for once I didn't follow the advice from my friends, who kept telling me I should start seeing other men, dating other men, etc. Instead I figured I wanted to build something more from here, with my friend: I feel he is a good man. The kind of guy that could make me happy, without making me loose myself. But yes, he's insecure. He has suffered as much, or even more than myself in the past - I was in a 7 years old relationship. I was the avoidant part, thought I recognize some clingy behavior from my behalf too. He was emotionally abusive, kept me 24/7 on the hook. He was so clingy I couldn't breath! After that, I had to fight with a "please let me love you dynamic": I kept running into men that sought comfort in me, were somehow lonely.... but didn't want to commit. So, when I felt really hurt, I put myself together and realized what I really wanted: a committed monogamous relationship, where I could receive as much as I was willing to give - love, respect, affection, support - without having to loose and sacrifice myself. And then, this friend re-appeared in my life and I kind of felt "he is the one"... and the "tango" started. I felt so insecure, I kept asking for advice on "how to tango", and we started this very unpleasing game.... and we've been like this for one year and a half. Anyway, after the rejection I really tried to kind of.... start over. Open up to him - this is what my intuition keeps saying. Not shut him away, but open up to him. Keep telling him about what bothers me, about my perspective - which obviously he didn't get it. And I've also decided, above all, to settle the nasty stuff in my life that is preventing me from having the confidence to move this relationship to something bigger. I am not so closed physically than I am emotionally. All these years I've been trying to get past emotional intimacy by increasing physical intimacy - with my former ex. It's as if the lack of connection and attraction (emotional) that I had could be filled up with more sex - he demanded that constantly. I had to make some detoxification from this habit after becoming single, since I found myself being used (like I said above). But the past, the being "used" is preventing me from being affectionate towards this friend. So I end up being closed both physical and emotionally - yeah, no wonder he's rejected me... Anyway, I am happy to know you are in a happy and fulfilling relationship I will try to ask for some help from him on this, because I really feel like he's worth it I'm worth it!!

@Kelley White, first of all thank you for the Ted-talk! I am avoiding this friend because of the feelings he makes me experience. I want him so much, but at the same time I feel like he would never like me back. But then he makes a signs he likes me as well, and then I have this "please don't look into me too much, because I don't want to make a fool out of myself, and the way you make me feel makes me think like that!" So, I end up seeking consolation and some happiness out of fantasy situations I make in my head. As a result, we ended up having this very confusing friendship-crush and kind of denying to see it. I feel what's preventing me from advancing with him is the constant need of approval from his behalf ("does he want this too?") and at the same time a complex feeling of "I'll love you, I want you to love me, but don't look into me too much". Because other than that, I feel he is a good man, who also suffered with women (which leads me to think he may assume I am playing with him) and enjoys me and my opinions. EDIT: on second thought I would like to had my crush may also be somehow love avoidant. So basically, I feel like if we just opened up to each other, maybe we could understand each other once and for all. As for self diagnosis, I totally agree with you! And I'll give you an example: ever since I "labeled" myself as an INFJ, I started behaving more like one. But this intimacy thing is something I would like to deal with, as I feel like it's preventing me a lot of things.