Ricksta

I'm struggling to end things with my ex and need some advice. We broke up because of differences in values, goals and communication difficulties, so nothing dramatic, and it was an amicable breakup. Thing is though that she is still messaging/contacting me once or twice a day, as if trying to keep the door open. Because we really liked each other it is difficult for me to put a stop to this and move on. The answer I'm looking for is something along the lines of what would Elliot Hulse do. I would like to deal with this in a decisive grown-ass man manner. Telling her to stop contacting me doesn't work, she always finds a way to contact me and I don't want to go the route of blocking her. Ignoring her also is difficult because of the good relationship we shared in the past. Side note: It is interesting though to do some research on this aspect of breaking up because most of the content out there seems to focus on dealing with a difficult ex or trying to get your ex back. So neither of these two is relevant in my case. Also if anybody knows of a decent book that will make a solid difference in the way I deal with relationships that would be appreciated. I've read most mainstream ones so it would have to be something a little less well known. Shot for the help

You cannot. All decisions are a double edged sword, go one way and you will regret something about not going the other way, and vice versa. The best thing to do is to pick a course of action and not jump ship or second guess yourself. I.e. if you decide to leave, then leave. Don't second guess or waver back and forth, that is just too painful and it prolongs the process. Your mind is already made up though and you are now just looking for justification to support your decision. You don't need any. Your decision is in and of itself sufficient. I will throw my two cents worth of opinion onto this one though, which is that I'm almost 95% certain that the reason why your husband is struggling to articulate his feelings with you is because if he were to really tell you what is going on for him, he thinks it would devastate you. My guess is that he wants out and that he wants to experience other relationships (i.e. he wants to have sex with other partners). It's really as simple as that.

When you say "buy" I think that is a relative term. I doubt that Osho himself actually walked into a car dealership and took a few Rolls' out on a test drive and swiped the ol card. As far as I understand it a lot of his followers (who apparently were very wealthy) purchased these cars for him. Personally I find it a bit odd. However I will say this, which is that the one day I read a bit into his life story. Admittedly this was before I knew much about him and frankly I was shocked at the outlandish nature of his life lol. Poisonings, orgies, being imprisoned and taking over that town in America, it makes for strange reading. After I got over my shock at the strange stories that surround him, I realised that actually, being as enlightened as he was, it makes sense. Somebody that enlightened would live the type of life that cannot be explained in terms of normal societal thinking, and therefore pretty much anything he did would seems exceptionally strange. Perhaps his followers struggled to come to terms with the weight of his enlightenment and thus also behaved in strange ways when they were around him.

I would say all three are fairly enlightened by the looks of it. But regarding your question of which one is the most, it won't matter. Because at different times in your life you will be facing different challenges and at one time one teacher might resonate with you and at another time you will find a different teacher speaks to you more deeply. Perhaps more importantly is to notice that when a person finds one teacher resonating very deeply, not to go about criticizing or looking down on other teachers because at that moment other teachings might not sit well with you, but tomorrow, who knows lol.

Merely a passing thought: If we were to take a guess, how many enlightened people are currently walking the earth?

Dear Artur An interesting post, and I will throw in my two cents. Let's look at some of the things you mention. I'm going to nitpick through some parts of your message and then give you a recipe of something you need to do. Overall you mention some positive things about this girl, she's wonderful, she's amazing, and things are bright most of the time so I would say stick it out for now. The thing is that your behaviour patterns remain largely the same so if you move on to another relationship you would in all likelyhood experience similar difficulties even though it's a new partner. And from what it seems is that your difficulties here are not that major and can definitely be solved satisfactorily. Two things I would watch out for though is that you mention you fight, make up etc. but it seems as if the frequency is about one fight a week? Truly if you want to actualise yourself this is too much. A lot of people would probably disagree with me here, however I have been down this road before and if you are really busy working on personal growth, meditating, trying to get your career on track and so on then you don't have time for a weekly rumble. It takes up a lot of time, overruns your body with toxic emotional chemicals and generally isn't conducive to growth. Secondly problems need to be solved fully and permanently, not "mostly". This needs to be accomplished without compromise but rather through understanding and brainstorming solutions together. If a problem is not fully resolved a residual remains. This residual is often referred to as "unfinished business". At some point the unfinished business in your relationship will be too much to resolve and the relationship will effectively be over. Even if you try to resolve some issues at this point it won't make sense because there will be so many "bits" of unfinished business that you wouldn't know where to start. Introduce some patience into your resolution sessions, allow the issues to come fully out onto the table before looking for a solution that both parties are happy with. Communication forms a beautiful circle between two people, the more you judge, criticise and comment on her behaviour, the more she is going to be in a hurry to get away from this. Your continuous commenting on her behaviour will make her feel criticised, unwanted and not good enough and she is coping with this feeling by keeping busy and being in too much of a "hurry" to give you less of a gap to continue your commenting on her. Every time she runs away with her busy life you will feel neglected, rushed and unimportant. Her high and fast life tempo is what she needs in order to be with you. It's rather ingenious I'd say. The question is, what are you going to do about it? Do you want to continue to harass her and comment intellectually on her level of actualisation? Do you want to continue to make her feel bad and force her to distance herself by keeping busy? Every time you comment on her behaviour you achieve this. Or... Do you want to make her feel appreciated, wanted and loved? You see, right now you are approaching this situation with your logical self. You observe and comment and try to take the high road by assuming that you are further developed than her. This may very well be the case, but in order to have a mutually satisfying relationship this approach will get you nowhere. I have a lot more to say on this however it will turn into a book! So I'm going to end by giving you a recipe of something that you need to do. I'm expecting you not to do it but here it is anyway: Tell your partner you want to spend a weekend with her. The goal is to walk a mile in each others shoes and this is how you are going to do it. Firstly she can participate in your life and secondly you participate in her life over the course of three days (Friday to Sunday). Friday you have your tent and camping things packed, not too much, just enough for one night. You and your partner head out to a camping spot after work and tent it out for the night. You cook dinner together, make a good fire, stare at the fire and tell each other what you see. There is to be minimal talking for the rest of the night, just experience. Next morning organise a good breakfast, pack up and go home. ideally this should not be more than say 1.5 hours drive from home. Now, Saturday from about 10:30am onwards it's your turn. Your partner needs to have all her "busy life stuff" lined up and you are going to accompany her on everything. You will run to all the shops, and all the things she wants to do. You are not to open your mouth. No complaining. Just doing. Go with her and experience. Do this for the whole saturday, until the ned of the day. Good luck and collapse on your bed at night when she has run you down. No talking. Sunday morning wake up and head out to a coffee shop. Here, both of you get 30 minutes a piece to share what it was like to spend a day with the other person and to completely do what the other person wanted to do.

Dear Eye You ask in your post for some similar experiences so that you can learn from them. And I will oblige you on this point, as painful as it still is to me. I was married to a beautiful woman for 6 years, in total we were together for 9. Prior to getting married I had one other sexual partner, a girl that I'm afraid to say, had many hangups. So when I got married it would be a fair statement to make that I had practically no sexual experience. Unfortunately the marriage was rocky from the start and resembled a Bosnian skirmish on the border between unknown factions at the dead of night more than anything else. My ex is a very highly educated person with regards to emotions and I was immature at best, so she constantly turned to other relationships to have her emotional needs met (guys and girls). Despite going for therapy and all sorts of things my emotional development was slow at best and we simply could not meet each other on a mutually satisfying level. I eventually became very disheartened and lonely. More so when I saw the intense way that she communicated with her friends and colleagues. After 2 years of marriage by chance I met a girl and she fell in love with me. I was never in love with her to the same level that she was with me, however the carefree and comfortable companionship was what hooked me from the start. We never slept together but there was some intense sexual exchanges on occasion. However the main thing was the emotional connection I had with this girl. It lasted for three years at which point she wanted to take things further. I didn't have the balls to do this. By this stage my marriage had deteriorated to such a level that I had no option but to disclose to my wife everything that had happened, and at a later stage how I felt about things as well. It was the beginning of the end. After three tumultuous years since that day we finally wrapped things up, divorced and went our separate ways. If I had to reflect on your situation, it seems similar to mine in a way. I believe for a man, it is not the correct way to be involved in a long term relationship if the idea of being with lots of women has not yet been burnt out of his system. Truly he must be ready to settle, otherwise it is simply a ticking time bomb. Cheating is not worth it, and denying yourself is also not worth it.

Dear Mohsinuddin Truly an insightful question! I have a story to tell first about the Buddha that I read somewhere, unfortunately I don't remember where so I cannot give the appropriate credit, but anyway here goes: So as legend has it the Buddha started out as a prince and heir to a vast kingdom. He was exposed to all the pleasures of life and had his fill of wine, women and song. Nothing was withheld, except the knowledge of death. Once he inevitably came across a dying person he learnt of death and then, in an effort to move past this experience he left the palace. Leaving behind the life of luxury he entered into the forest and joined an ascetic community where he survived off very little sustenance and meditated the whole day long, searching for truth. This carried on for some time until he apparently came across a musician, teaching his son to play. The musician explained to the son that if you pull the strings too tight, it will snap. If the strings are too loose, it won't make music. It has to be just at the right tension before any music can be played. At this point the Buddha relinquished the ascetic life, restored his body and proceeded on to enlightenment by following a sort of middle ground. To answer your question, unless you have been successful, you don't really have anything to renounce. In order to reach for enlightenment you will inevitably have to let go of your wordly success, but unless you have achieved some form of it, you won't authentically be able to let anything go. So go forth and be successful. Be the best, and strive hard for it and achieve it. Once this is done you will authentically be able to move past it, not before.

Personally I prefer meeting women while doing the things I love such as running, gym, music etc. Gym is a good place because you get to work out and at the same time make friends as you go along. Try joining a cross fit class and just speak to the women before and after the class but with the intention of just making friends. I often meet women at running races as well and what's nice about that is right off the bat the two of you have the same common interest. One further thing though that I have noticed. Almost on a daily basis life presents me with a synergy opportunity to meet one woman, the catch is though that it has an inherent challenge. For example, I was paying at the cashiers for my groceries and a way back a woman peeked out the queue at me. I immediately raised my hand to my ear indicating to her to call me, left my number on a piece of paper at the cashier that I showed her. Later on she did message me (unfortunately nothing came of it). The other day a woman also stuck her tongue out at me at gym crazy bitches lol I didn't approach her but I know that I should have! My point is that you can also try to open yourself up to the opportunities that naturally come across your way on a daily basis, wherever that may be, it will sometimes be hard but always worth the challenge. Happy hunting... and sorry but I'm going to say no to Tinder.

Thank you for the responses so far. Just to update the story, after some soul searching I came to the conclusion that: 1) I am still entertaining the possibility of making something happening with her 2) I am curious to see if my skill set has improved 3) I am on some level still interested in repairing prior damage done, especially if it was done unconsciously by myself So after a good amount of work I came up with a message that I sent to her and she responded by clarifying why she stopped talking to me and what it was that upset her. In a nutshell she is offended that I made a move on her and according to her we were never anything more than just friends. At this point I immediately stopped the conversation and decided to move on without delay.

Dear electroBeam Stuttering, pausing and muddling words - got it. Next problem is the knowledge field. Thank the good Lord that your "knowledge field" is different! Imagine how boring it would be if everyone had the same damn "knowledge field"! There really would be nothing to talk about. Bro, everyone is different and have a different set of experiences, revel in this and dive in deep to find out what other people are all about. Find out about their passions, likes, dislikes, things they do on a daily basis (things they do when nobody is watching...), how they view love and work and all things related to the world. Trust me, finding someone with the same field of knowledge as you would probably freak you out lol (apologies for the tongue in cheek reply). May I suggest that the stuttering etc. is actually a verbal expression problem, as opposed to a physical expression problem. Physical expression I would link more to body language, while your problem seems to lie more in the verbal field. I challenge you to do the following: 1) Before going on a date with a betty hit her up on whatsapp and your first line must be:"I stutter, pause inappropriately and muddle up my words". 2) While you are on the date one of your first jokes can be to remind her that you do this and then do it deliberately to demonstrate to her. With a wry smile on your face say to her:"Look!! I'm going to demonstrate an inappropriate silence, coupled with a stalker stare :::) I'm hoping you see where I'm going with this. Take the tension out of the situation by bringing it up and mixing it with humour. That way you don't have to spend hidden energy to monitor your conversation, you don't have to beat yourself up when it inevitably happens and lastly as time progresses you will find that stopping the effort to try and control your verbal expression, will ironically lead you to a point where you will one day simply realise that you have overcome the issue, without even trying to. Loosen up your belt buckle and let go, I hope you noticed that I muddled up the order of your problems

Dear LiberalPipe Rather the conundrum that you sit with there... Personally I enjoy it when I see a face twitch cause I know the person is actually bubbling with happiness that they haven't yet shared with other people. They trying hard to hold it in It's good that you went to see a therapist, however I am surprised that they weren't able to assist you? Any facial twitch, slurring, stuttering etc. that is interactionally based (i.e. triggered by interactions with other people) really can be resolved within an hour by a trained individual. The crux of the resolution hinges on a baseline incongruency and the need for a closeness corrective. Explaining these two concepts to you won't resolve your issue so what I'm going to do is point you in a long term direction and also tell you what you can do as a short term fix. In the long term you sit with a fundamental incongruency between how you really feel about other people and the image that you are projecting to them. For example one of the things I picked up on is that you feel other people are verbally abusing you when they reject or don't accept you in some way. This, I'm afraid to say, is something that you are going to have to address by working on yourself. As much as what you have the right to live so do other people and they are within their full right to reject you if they so choose. This isn't "verbal abuse" it's simply them rejecting you. You also reject people that you don't want to spend time with, there is nothing wrong with it. In fact, not rejecting someone that you really want to reject is called being incongruent, because now your actions (spending time with that person) is not in line with how you feel about that person (you actually want to reject them). So what is happening to you is that your subconscious is winning this battle and while you consciously put up a straight face, subconsciously you are being forced to display how you really feel about them. Work on being honest and open up about your feelings, initially it will be scary because you have a lot of pent up feelings, but after the initial rush of vitriol you will feel (and be) free to be open and honest. To live authentically. That's your long term pointer. Now for a short term fix... Find somebody that you are close to and explain to them what is going on for you. The person doesn't need to judge/fix or anything, just listen. Ask them to stare at you so that your twitch is triggered. Smile at the person and watch as they observe you twitching. Ask the person to describe the twitching to you and have them reach out and touch your twitching smile with both their hands as if cupping your face. Continue to expose your twitching to them for approximately 30 minutes. You need to fully twitch as much as possible to this person and have them looking at the twitching as much as possible. Do this everyday for a week and reflect back to observe the difference between when you started and where you are now. I've been through this process before and I know it works so I don't have to wish you good luck, it's a done deal.

Dear Orange If I may weigh in on the subject, I would like to throw out some observations about your actual initial message, followed by some practical steps you can take, should you choose to. You mention that "There's a guy in my life", but that your paths wont cross anymore. So really, he isn't in your life anymore, he's actually living in your imagination. Allow the chips of life to fall where they may and deal with what gets given to you. If you were meant to be together don't panic, life will find a way to make that happen. In the meantime all you need to do is move forward and engage yourself with positive things. I can also pick up on the frustration you sit with, having these constant thought interruptions. You seem to feel very powerless to try and change your situation. You are trying to logically battle this by wanting to "focus on my life", logic is not going to resolve this one for you. In fact, trying to 'logic' your way forward is what is causing you to remain stuck emotionally and mentally. I'm not going to delve into the obvious things here, such as to stop facebooking him, texting him, etc. That, I'm sure you have googled about plenty of times already. Perhaps though, you can start to see how counter-intuitive your way forward might be. As you continue to search for answers and struggling to move forward you may start to notice that there is one thing that you are subconsciously resisting to do. You will soon start to reach a place where you can allow yourself to experience the full weight of the impact that this person has had in your life. You can perhaps sit down for 30 minutes or so and simply allow your mind to wash over with all the beautiful thoughts of conversations with him, memories of him and the meaningful moments you spent with him. Fully accept and bask in these thoughts, in fact, try to force them to come even more! Push to remember as much as you can and let it spill over you. Let your meditation be saturated with him, almost like somebody that has eaten too much food at dinner, but still dishes in more. Indulge yourself. Do this everyday and if you can try to even increase it further and do it more. Daily, even for 50 minutes if you can. One more thing, you need to write a letter to him. Do this after allowing your memories to flood you and return to this letter in a months time where you can update it and re-read it. If you truly love and respect this individual you will show immense gratitude for having had the opportunity to spend time with him. I don't need to tell you the outcome of this process, you will have to go down this rabbit yourself to see where it leads you. But I suspect that once you integrate this experience and relationship fully it will become a part of you that you will treasure and look back upon with much fondness.

My question is simple: If a person starts with a journey towards becoming better with women and relationships, is it necessary to go back and correct past mistakes made? I went through a divorce 1.5 years ago and since then started on a journey to learn more about relationships, women, pickup and dating. Some of my first attempts made to pick up women were nothing short of disgusting and one girl in particular took some offense to an approach I made. We still move in the same circles so I bump into her occasionally nowadays and her standard mode of operation is to stone wall me. I don't really mind, but I can see that she sits with some issues regarding this. Now that I have a bit more insight and experience I'm wondering if there is a call to action to correct some mistakes made in the past or should I just move on and let it be.