Mirko

@justfortoday Hey man ... I do not think that is the case... Just read the book "Many Lives, Many Masters" ... She tapped into her past lives - 95 out of 100 were full of suffering as a slave, housemaid, full of illnesses etc... BTW She's been a monk as well... Did not count for her "ascension" ...

@Nahm How understanding or distinctions do you have or make, between suffering, and pain? Suffering are thoughts. Pain is emotion in the body - in my stomach. For example - when I'm lying in my bed - suddenly my neighbor slams his door and immediately I feel physical pain in my solar plexus area and instantly suffering comes - negative thoughts about my neighbor, about my noise sensitivity, about unfairness of life. Thoughts about it, are not at all related to what the actual experience is. Yes. 5 years ago I decided I will do whatever to get enlightened. So I have renounced my "real" life, my business life, stopped meeting with friends, stopped my hobbies. Basically I went monk full-time. A "modern" monk doing only self inquiry, contemplation, meditating and psychedelics. I became more and more stuck in the head. I adopted one big belief - everything is illusory, pointless, and attached to identity. So my plan was to see through identity and after my "enlightenment" I wanted to start a new life based on some final "True Purpose". My past business "purposes" and hobbies were driven by ego - I only wanted approval and money. So I said to myself that I will not do anything business related and hobbies related until my permanent enlightenment. 5 years later - no luck. At the moment - I have no passions, no friends. I feel lonely. Thoughts about loneliness are killing me. So I rationalize them with my spiritual reasoning and stay passive. Tried to transcend them without fulfilling them - no luck. And there were many thoughts about starting new business, but I renounced them as well. And hobbies - nothing interests me... I see all hobbies as pointless. Why do anything... Why travel... Why go to another city - all cities are just concrete, asphalt and glass distributed differently. That's it. When it comes to people in my country... I have not met any weirdos like me... I tried to find like-minded people, but there are just phone zombies "In the streets" who do not like deep topics. So I am here on the forum and finally I feel more accepted/valued I really do not know what would I put in my dream-board... And if I put anything in my dream-board - those items would just remind me a lack of them... My dream-board would be a lack board. Or not? I tried to have no desires like monks do... I have seen futility of material things... I have all that I need. All sorts of electronic devices, apartment, girlfriend, 2 bicycles, and regular income from government. I do not need to work anymore. I am seeing girlfriend for only 1 hour a day. When it comes to loneliness - that is the biggest problem right after "ego" problem ... I feel like an alien. Lonely alien. I actually had an idea how to meet like-minded spiritual people - I wanted to start a you-tube channel/website to attract like minded people to me. In my country spirituality is still a novelty. There are not any spiritual youtube channels in my language. BUT - what holds me back: perfectionism - I said to myself that I will start teaching only after enlightenment. I want to say only perfect and true words coming from my Real Self, not from ego. This burden holds me back. Next thing that holds me back is that all those radical ideas I wanted to teach... Those ideas / truths actually made my life worse... Waking people up and opening their eyes is exciting, but also can do a lot of harm to them. You know... Sweet ignorance ... I consider unconscious people happier than me after 5 years of consciousness work... AND last thing - Who am I to teach them? I am depressed, I have more fears than them, more anxieties... Why would I make their life meaningless like mine... There are actually many people here on the forum who claim their life become meaningless after watching Leo's videos. How does this approach / perspective you are currently utilizing feel? I am deducing it does not feel good. Is there willingness to let it go, and adopt an approach which is rooted in, and entirely based on, feeling better? When it comes to fighting with my identity - I just came to conclusion that fighting is not the answer. This battle can't be won by any one. Today I basically I somehow uncovered my problem - glowing psychedelic experiences gave me a false expectations how everyday life is supposed to be. I realized - because there is no way out of experiencing life - thus I need to humble myself and accept life as it is. Omnipotent psychedelic experiences gave me false hopes of healing my illnesses. That's really sobering insight. Now I need to accept that and somehow move on. Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my ego. Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me renounce "normal" life. Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made normal life pale in comparison to psychedelic experience. Omnipotent psychedelic experiences made me hate my humanness. From now on I think i should start working on balancing my life. Being a brute-force monk isn't the way for me... In the last 24 hours I let go a lot of anger... Anger for myself... Anger for my self deceptions. Anger for false hopes... BTW thank you Nahm, You're great.

Yes they can help you with for example a relationship with your father, or partner, or they show you a different point of view when stuck in some problem or in the work. Or you can experience self-love not just as s concept but for real. Or you can introspect your psyche a lot deeper than sober... But insights / healing from them seems to be fleeting. Or when in the middle of the trip - when you reminded yourself some unresolved situation - memory from the past - psychedelics are great for showing you a view from "higher perspective". When it comes to memories that you want to remember but you can't - they wont help much - at least in my experience. I wanted to know exactly the moment my stuttering started in my childhood so I can look on the situation from higher perspective - did not work in the trip. I was using them specifically for spiritual purposes. But many times I deceived myself when using them: In the middle of trip I was totally sure I finally cured my social anxiety, yet after trip social anxiety came back. In the middle of trip I was totally sure I finally cured my depression, yet after trip depression came back. The same with stuttering - I thought I cured my stuttering in the middle of trip, yet stuttered after trip. The same with heart chakra - I was 100% sure I opened my heart chakra permanently in the middle of the trip - but that was later seen as a self-deception.

@Nahm Can you isolate, point to, and share specifically where the pain is being experienced? It is pain of resistance to What Is. Most of the pain is mental. Pain of believing thoughts. Pain of not being able to "switch off" thoughts. Pain of not being able to flow with life. Pain of constant searching for something... Pain of existing! I do not want to exist. Or at least to "just be" without this nagging "me"... Let everything be... But thoughts are making this scene hellish. I lost ability to see the scene as it is. Somewhere in childhood... Enjoyment was lost... Scene feels "negatively meaningless" . What is purpose of experiencing this dull scene? Scene is fragmented. Thoughts fragment scene. I want to be complete. Not just in psychedelic trip. I want to realize my completeness for once and for all. I want inner critic to disappear. Why am I listening to him? So basically there are 2 problems: inner critic that won't shut up & meaninglessness + I hate my disorders... + I hate my extreme noise sensitivity. I cant sleep properly anywhere because of my noise sensitivity. Even with white noise + high quality earbuds. I still hear even tiny noises from neighbors. Tried everything to solve this but no luck... + noisy neighbors, changed apartment 3 times, no difference. Have you made a dreamboard...written what you do want in life on it...let go of limiting beliefs..? Curious if you’ve done this yourself, and directly experienced it, vs thought or read about it. No. Thanks to my contemplative lifestyle I unveiled many illusions like "success, house, car, trophy girlfriend etc". After a ton of contemplation I am left with meaninglessness. Nothing from vision-board would make me happy. I want happiness from being/existing only. Somehow I know it is possible, and I am striving for that for last 5 years. No success... When it comes to limiting beliefs - yes, there are many in my world. One of my biggest beliefs is that I am still "someone" real that needs to be protected etc. Can you describe the one who is separate from God, making the references? Can you articulate specific properties, and describe the actual separation? He... It... He... He feels like life is "owning" something to him... Some "final" compensation, some treat for all his lifelong suffering and feeling lost... Feeling like an alien since childhood... He (or I?) wants some kind of liberation... Freedom to choose "not believing" thoughts. He's got expectations - scene should be joyful, meaningful, scene should be experienced with 100 percent acceptance and unconditional love. He wants to become the scene itself. He.... He.... I hate him! I want to kill him. He is limit. He limits my freedom. He is prison for my ..... ... for my ... potential. He disturbs my peace. He is idiot and I do not know what am I anymore. There is confusion in the scene now. trying to find him but he is hiding... coward. He always appeared in the content of thoughts... he will appear again... that is sure.

YEP. Used DMT + weed two times Trip seemed slower and BOTH of trips were bad trips. I have had DMT only experience about 20 times - stand-alone DMT trips were great. Smoked via meth pipe with torch lighter. Freebase. 50 mg.

Psychedelics are double-edged sword. For enlightenment purposes: They show you few minutes sneak-peak of "something" you would want to have PERMANENTLY in everyday life. But the thing is: you can't have that thing permanently! Remember - You don't know that you don't know. That means you don't miss enlightenment experience until you had one. After you had one - your life may become meaningless. From then on - You'll be chasing THAT experience like an addict and you'll want to make it permanent. Ordinary life becomes PALE in comparison to psychedelic experience. So, that was for enlightenment purposes. For healing purposes: for uncovering your past lives - commonly available psychedelics seem useless. For healing traumas THAT YOU DO NOT REMEMBER they seem useless as well. But they are great for opening you up! They will shatter your materialistic paradigm. You will become idealist after + if you are emotionally numb, psychedelics are great for uncovering your capability to create beautiful emotions.

@gswva EXACTLY! your posts somehow deeply resonate with myself. I will write more on them later. We are racing the bottom to become the most vulnerable form. Yep exactly! Dividing forces of consciousness are a lot stronger than unifying forces of consciousness. More division = more suffering. The "spiritual ascension" seems like BS. Am I the only one who feels like descension is more real? Aaaaaand here's the kicker: LIFE CANNOT BE STOPPED

Do not expect anything from psychedelics. If you want more information on this topic, read my thread I wrote after 150 trips of most powerful substances that exists:

@Nahm The most of my anger could be summed up to: There is this colorful painful game I did not choose to play. No way out. And no legitimate way to alter this garbage life. There is no "Exit" button to permanent nothingness. God is the worst programmer that is. Stuck in his software. Should lose his job. What an idiot. He is so idiotic, that even after 100s of books and 1000s hours of spiritual practice he is still lost in his dream. Still does not recognize himself. This idiot did not recognize himself even after 150 GOD MODE TRIPS! WHAT AN IDIOT!

EXACTLY, Thank you scholar for reply. Yes, you get it right. See this has been a problem for me in past few years - massive inner conflict between ACCEPTING experience vs. CHANGING experience. Giving up control vs. Take up control... Surrender vs. Fight back out of 100 people: 50 would tell me just practice acceptance, life is already perfect etc. 50 would tell me just change my perspective, beliefs, try new techniques, just CHANGE myself Who should I listen? I have no intuition. But something in me tells me that surrendering is wiser choice? Maybe. Fighting "what is" just showed me my impotence. I am impotent idiotic god... Can't change shit.

See - normal healthy person would write: "Beautiful music, beautiful lyrics, beautiful scenery"... But... When it comes to me - it actually made my anger worse... I am jealous of people who are seeing life through Rose-colored glasses. I am jealous of people who see nature as magnificent. Nature for me is just a bunch of meaningless colorful shapes.

@Leo Gura But how can I participate in "normal life" when i see everything as meaningless? Thanks to contemplation I see the world as just a bunch of colorful shapes and random sounds... No enjoyment... Life is dry. Contemplative lifestyle took away illusions needed to enjoy life... That's why now I want enjoyment from Being only. Enjoyment just from Existing... No particular object from this colorful 4D scene could give me enjoyment. No people, no electronic devices, no nature. Trees are just a bunch of useless colorful shapes... Everything is empty. I am stuck.

@gswva EXACTLY .. Finally someone gets me - as a person with personality disorders from fucked up childhood and full of inner conflicts. Bravo

@allislove Thank you for reply " ... But "It's all good now" and this whole "be in the moment" stuff really works only after awakening - when thoughts are seen for what they are and lose their importance. Trying to tame my hateful negative thoughts while still wrapped in ego identity creates inner conflicts in me....

@Gesundheit Yep It's an Crippled Idiot's Lottery. If I have knew this 5 years ago - that awakening is not under my control, even when being many times in GOD MODE myself, I would steer clear of this spirituality stuff. Real God Mode doesn't exist - at least in this limited human form. @Dodo "a loving way"? I haven't done anything in a loving way in my life. I hate meditations. I did not know what love is until my first psychedelic trip. I do not love anything because of many childhood traumas that I do not remember so I can't heal them. OF COURSE I can't remember them, because God Idiot's memory is shitty buggy piece of crap. OF COURSE if I have looked on them from today's higher perspective I would heal them... But can't do it! See? And other healing methods / healing meditations / visualizations do not work for me.