Santhiphap

@Bazooka Jesus How were you different at those times when you "had" your old drive and passion? Whats missing? I had those problems too, I started to think about my childhood when I was that really energetic child that took the world head on, amazed and inspired by what was to be discovered in this world. At that time everything is "new". So the last couple years I have "reconnected" with my inner child, looking for new things in life, new nuances, allowing myself to have fun, make mistakes, "look stupid" or weird in front of others, staring at a puddle in the rain for a while like its something magical, going into a jumphouse to enjoy jumping , starting to learn skateboarding at the age of 27, Making new friends. Just trying to rediscover life has brought me a lot of new drive and passion in life.

@Nahm Thank you. Indeed I developed thinking of ego as a thing, its easy to fall into that trap when using that term to make communications easier. Thanks for reminding me. I am very much open to suggestions or further help but I think the first step for me is getting back to meditation. Meditation has been so powerful before to me, enabling me to unclutter my mind and really think deeply about things to understand them. Right now, my minds thinking habits are just really messy and dont allow for much "controlled" thinking. @Bazooka Jesus When I have states of resistance I try looking at myself from an outer perspective as if would look at another person. Usually that helps taking some resistance away and kickstarts what I was supposed to do.

I am aware that the problems I am working on are probably pretty simple but you know how it goes when ego is putting itself in the spotlight. I have a quiet confused mind right now so please excuse the long read which purpose is mainly to structurize my thoughts a bit to be able to explain the situation. And I know I should pick up my meditation habit again.. Anyway.. Lets take a step back to about 1-2 weeks ago. I had almost a week of days feeling totally fine. I have worked through so much stuff in the last couple months that it felt like I finally reached a state of complete inner equilibrium. My ego had nothing to complain, nothing to work for, nothing to put itself into the foreground. I can't remember a time when I have ever had this state as deeply and as long as this time. I was happy but not in the sense of what most people think of being happy. It was all just ok as it is. Which led me to having and experience of getting a feeling for a little stage of awakening I think. I had many moments in which I felt like I could understand how everything of me and my surroundings is just this one unexplaineable conciousness. How everything I see, feel, hear etc. is being observed and how that observer could be everything itself. Usually I would start to have a deep loving feeling evolving in those moments forcing a smile upon my face. Now obviously, I fell out of that experience. The ego has lots of complains, one of them being the failure of staying in that state but I mean, thats not too bad, I have trust that that state will come back at the destined time. The other triggers of ego seem to be a very reoccurring thing all throughout my life which is why I am typing this. Those triggers are usually (untrue-) goals and/or failures. The last couple of years I have had the chance to almost live life from moment to moment. I mean, there are always tasks in life popping up that "must be done". Must be done in order to still be able to fit into society, must be done in order to "succeed". Things that must be done even though I'd rather do something that is coming right from the moment im in. And I feel like those are one of the biggest factors that throw me out of balance. At this point it is probably time to tell you about a deep inner belief I have. I guess I have an inner belief that if I'd have enough money to not care about it the rest of my life, I would just live from moment to moment, letting ego go its way, accepting that and being just ok with everything as it passes by resulting in becoming more and more conscious and closer to awakenings. But back to those tasks that "must be done". They are usually pretty simple and "stupid". Lemme give you an example. For a while now, I am working on finding my passions and the right job for them with a coach. Now my interests and passions have been shifting a lot over the past and lately I finally felt like the search has come to an end for now. If money wasn't a factor I would choose music/sound production as its my favorite medium for expressing myself. (Expressing myself has become a big part of growing lately. Giving my ego what it wants but still staying calm, observing, reflecting and learning from those outbursts of expression while accepting that (judged good or bad) those are required to grow and I am not beating myself up much anymore about it.) So long story short, I planned I was gonna write a little unsolicited application to send out to different studio producers telling them how passionate I am and asking them for some advice or even if I could stop by and get a short glimpse of what their day at work looked like so I can find the place thats right for me. Then the phase that I described above in the first couple paragraphs, the "complete inner equilibrium" phase started. It was great but.. I actually wasn't inspired to do any effort in the direction of that application task anymore, nor any other tasks that I had on my list unless life took turns to "organically" direct me to those tasks. I tried to sit down to produce some music but I didn't have any inspiration because there was nothing, no deep emotions to express because everything was alright. I thought about writing the application letter but I didn't feel emotionally invested in it anymore which at least in my head made it hard to believe I could express my passion to music and sound in the application letter. I knew I could probably let myself fade out of that phase and back into a more ego/emotional/passionate state but I didn't because that meant I would go "back" to identifying myself/ego with my passion for music. Even if it is the one thing that feels like it should be the last thing I stop to identify with, in that state of inner equilibrium I didn't "want" to go back to. In that state any form of re-identification results in a step away from that state of inner equilibrium. From what I heard its possible to be conscious enough to let ego do itselfs identification process and still stay in a kind of awakened state but it takes time and experience which is why for me right now I feel like its mandatory to make the most of those times. My thoughts on solutions to this "dilemma": 1. Do everything as soon as I can so I dont lose connection to the purpose of the task. Predestined to fail sometimes, though it would be possible to improve and get better at it. 2. I will write that application letter today as I am back in the ego identified state anyway now, reflect afterwards how its changing me and move on. I am gonna give into ego for now and let it do its part. 3. I will pick up my meditation habit again in hopes it will help me balance and control my shifts to and away from the identification with ego. It wasn't easy to write the last part cause I know how its kind of faulty in itself and it feels kind of dumb to think I can realize that lifestyle of just always acting from the moment. If you have some advice please let me know Thanks for taking the time to read this anyway!

@Viking Yes. I see what you mean and I am having a real hard time answering right now. I want to argue but the more I think about it the more I agree with you. And I feel relief from my belief that those sensations are dangerous. Although I still think its worth being cautious. Thanks for your words. I'll let this sink in for a while.

Once again I am seeking some advice from you guys. Lately I get a very strong sensation in my head/the whole brain area. I am wondering if I do my meditation practice wrong and if this might be dangerous, although I feel quiet certain that I am doing it right, using intuition and just letting go of everything. I am not forcing anything. My meditation consist of letting go of everything. Letting go of all interpretations of any sensations that are happening. When I am doing this I am quickly sinking deep, very close to "nothingness". The sensation I am worried about is first feeling like if I was wearing a hat the whole day and took it off but it still feels like I am wearing it. Another description might be that it feels almost tingly but it doesnt tingle. Or like a white noise, or pressure, or weight. Its really hard to describe so I am hoping someone can relate. The more I stop thinking and interpreting things the stronger the sensation feels. It feels as if something is pulling on my brain, and then going deeper it feels like its going to explode or collapse. This is probably in correlation with my ego or reality collapsing because there is almost nothing left to hold on to. Of course, existencial fear is coming up in those situations and keeping me from finally letting go. I have had those close to nothingness situations many times now and I am almost getting used to the existencial fear thats coming up. But these head sensations are new and I am worried that I could seriously harm my brain by further letting go. I have never studied anything about chakras/kundalini/energy work and I dont intent to do so. My goal is awakening/disintentification of the ego, finding the true self, nothing and everything without "wasting" time with any mystical stuff or deluding myself with beliefs. And I guess someone is gonna say that this is just another sensation to let go of and stop interpreting it. "But Leooooo", this feels like I am gonna break my whole psyche and I dont want that. I just want that little tiny shift in perspective from dual to nondual Jokes aside, I have read stuff about people who suffer from serious mental illnesses/psychiatric disorders after doing long term mediation/energy practices. That worries me.

Sorry I think I put it in kind of a wrong way. Its not so much about expecting the next beat or anticipating it. The key is waiting without any expectations. You should not try to know when the next beat is coming, you should just be waiting for it and then notice it. Waiting, keeping an open mind and senses for the next thing to notice is the key. The metronome is a fast way so see when you missed the exact moment you were waiting for and gives you a new chance to try again immediately. (Thus, a power learning tool for awareness imho) Hope that I have made it clearer now to understand what I really do with this technique.

While always fooling around to find new practices to integrate into my meditation, I came up with the idea of using a metronome in addition to meditation music. Why use a metronome? 1. It helps keeping a regular calm breath. 2. Most importantly, I use it as a tool to practice awareness of the present. I read in a book that being aware has something to do with being ready for what comes next, always anticipate the next moment to come closer and closer to the present. (Read my next post where I get to the essence of this ) So what I do is put the metronome to a comfortable speed and every first beat I change from inbreath to outbreath and vise versa. The good thing is that a metronome usually makes a different tone on the first beat so after just a few seconds you dont even need to count anymore and get a feeling for the timing. Now to practice getting closer to the present I try to anticipate every first beat as best as I can and notice it when it happens as fast as I can. Since the metronome doesnt stop and forces me to concentrate all the time I am getting super fast results and improvement. Its usually enough for me to do this a few minutes to become super focused. Then I continue with whatever other meditation techniques I feel like. And here is a link to the best online metronome I found for this practice: https://www.flutetunes.com/metronome/ It works on mobile, it even continues to play in the background, while the screen is turned off and while listening to other music and you can easily adjust the volume and speed. The sound of this metronome is soft and doesnt annoy me at all. Last words: I am sure this is not for everyone. But for beginners I think techniques like this are a great way to keep playing around with meditation and have fun with it. The habit of finding my own new meditation tools has been keeping my interest and enjoyment of meditation for a long time. If you tried this let me know how it went for you

I found these music pieces on soundcloud from someone called Sonic Yogi years ago and still use them from time to time to meditate. I just thought some of you might benefit from using these as well. My favorite is the heart chakra sound. https://soundcloud.com/sonic-yogi/singing-bowls-f-heart-chakra Enjoy Just put them on repeat. The recordings are usually about 20min long with fade in and fade out, so I found it to be a good way to keep track of your meditation time without getting necessarily pulled out of your meditation abruptly. fyi: he has recordings of all the other chakra tones too.

After a very deep and long meditation in nature at night, I looked up to the stars. Something was different that time. I almost didn't catch it but then it struck me. I saw a very subtle, thin light ray shining outwards from each star to the ones nearby. The light rays were pulsating a bit as if the stars were trying to communicate with each other with a flashlight. None of the light rays were crossing each other as each star was only communicating with the ones next to it. But all of them connected in a giant web of subtly pulsating light rays. --- At the time I saw it I wasn't really super excited or had any interpretation as I just came out of the meditation, I was just curious, kept looking at it for a while and finally went to bed. The nights after, I was looking at the stars after the meditation too but haven't seen it ever again. I have googled but did not find any other reports of exactly what I have seen. Anyway, I felt like sharing this here as I just remembered, and realized how beautiful it was.

@B_Naz There still is a difference in the process to get there though. I enforce it, like flexing a muscle. I am also wondering if that is a legitimate way to nothingness.

@B_Naz The usual: Heart rate rising, muscle spasms, anxiety etc.. Have you discovered that same "skill" as me though? This mechanism to create that vacuum of no-thought?

Maybe blocking is the wrong word. Its more like creating a vacuum if that makes sense.

Sometimes during meditation I notice that I am able to just block off my flow of thoughts. It feels like a similar mechanism to what happens when your brain muffles your hearing, due to a really loud sound like an emergency siren for example. It also causes different sensations in the brain that I can't really describe. Like pressure and/or pulling. Also its like I feel weight on different parts of the brain depending where I induce that "blockade". I became more interested in using this "skill" lately because it seems like an easy way to find nothingness. Am I fooling myself? Does anyone have experience with what I am describing?

Thanks! Nice read!