SolMonica

I started meditating years ago, I studied different types of meditation modules and tried to follow the teachings of many, I have a list and it is embarrassing, you would think I would be at peace with my life by now. I started with Christianity, at 15 years old, I was too skeptical, and cool for holy ghosts, then I went to art, poetry, and this is where I believed I experienced true oneness, and love, then decided to go to school for it and lost interest in that, then Tibetan Buddhism (the Tibetan book of the Dead scared the hell out of me), there i began meditating away my karma, moved onto Zen Buddhism, Prem Rawat, Kadampa (only to pick up a guy I liked, I deserved my bad karma for that one,), Pranic Healing, studied Reiki, Martial Arts, back to the Zendo, water fasting away my demons, Marijuana,sex, boys, yoga, Kundalini, Zen again, Mooji, Ama,Tara Brach, Leo Gura, Vipassana (one of the best meditation experiences I have ever had, and I still go back every year to volunteer and practice) and now I am finding myself at the park doing two hours of this strange tai chi looking practice called Falun Dong, their writing is like the Tibetan Book of the Dead met Scientology, Philip K Dick and the Bible. I am very confused. I am a whore when it comes to my meditationpractice and my spirituality. Sadly, I still cannot decide which teacher to stick to. I heard Leo's recent podcast on mushrooms, and I must say, his talk blew my mind away. I wish wish i can do mushrooms, but because, in my family, there is a history of mental illness, so I have decided to stay clear from all "drugs", LSD, mushrooms and anything that could put me away. I like weed, and even that I stay away from now. Because I am weak, i prefer not to be in any altered state. I am losts in what to do, what teacher to embrace, and whom I should study with. I am relieved the new teachers out there like Tara Brach, Mooji and Leo Gura, they don't sit on pedestals demanding loyalty, and devotion. you are the one responsible for your own enlightenment, and no one is going to save you.