Frogfucius

I agree with @Prabhaker . I think almost everyone suffers from some form of “schizophrenia” in that we create situations and ideas in our mind that are simply not reality. It stems from our deep capacity for thought. No other animal, as far as we know, suffers from mind patterns gone out of control to the degree humans do. I guess the medically diagnosed schizophrenia as we know it can be conceptualized as “monkey mind on steroids”. I always find the words “monkey mind” kind of funny, because I think even monkeys are more calm and stable than the average human mind.

It seems to be that way. I don't know. Everything I have learned from dating 'experts' is basically to be the biggest, self-assuring ego you can be, and you'll get lots of women. That seems to be the case. Women have interest in me initially, but then it fades and they become more interested in friendship, if any type of relationship at all. I'm passive, relatively low energy compared to the big ego guys, very unattached to things. I'm not weak or needy, just unassuming and meek. What I am does not spark sexual passion in women, at least not over the long term. I don't think I have what it takes to ever maintain a romantic relationship. It's just not in my cards to pretend to be something I'm not. I think the only chance I'll have is with someone who is on the same path I am, and there aren't many out there I come across in ordinary life who are interested in the philosophical and spiritual musings that I am interested in. I just feel like a steaming pile of dog shit. A failure. I can't maintain what other men can easily. I've tried pickup, I've tried online dating. Nothing has ever worked out. "Action, action, action" just brings me more frustration and doubt.

I really don't think it's that simple as chemical reactions to touch. Oxytocin is released by hugging someone (of the same gender, even) or petting a dog. It's a bonding chemical, yes, but not the deciding factor on whether a woman or man is going to stay in love in a relationship or be loyal forever. And blaming men for relationship failures? I don't really think it's that simple. Men and women change over time. Experiences change, tastes change, complacency sets in. That romantic "love" chemical, that was present at the onset, is like a drug that lasts for maybe a year or so. Not everyone that falls in love stay together forever. Human relations are too dynamic to pin it on one thing, I would imagine.

When I'm not thinking, I'm not suffering or harboring any pain. But the problem is, I'm addicted to thinking. I let the bad thoughts and emotions consume me throughout the day. I resist meditation until I reach the point where the pain gets too unbearable, and I need to let it all go. Then things get better for a while, until the bad thoughts and feelings surface again. If meditation feels so good, why do I fight it, and instead choose to build up suffering? Why do I get sucked back into the same harmful patterns I've always had? I know it's very painful, but I still choose to do it...

Yeah when I say "thinking" I mean the kind that is compulsive and I associate with. The kind that tells me that life is pointless and I should just kill myself, because that would be better than living. And I listen to these thoughts.

@Epiphany_Inspired Thanks for the insight! Yeah, a lot of what you said makes sense. Maybe it has to do with balance? The more balanced a person is, the more they enjoy balance in the other person? And one polar opposite is attracted to the other, to form a type of balance? Who knows, but it’s exciting to me.

@J Grade school was stressful for me. I hated it. I wouldn’t go back and do it again. It’s a culture geared towards conformity and bullshit, arbitrary academic grading scales. At the time I just rolled with it and succeeded from what was expected of me, but looking back, the system is very unfair and rigged against the majority of children and teenagers. There’s no true guidance or help in a time when young individuals need it most. Instead, you’re pushed on through the conveyor belt system, shoved out into the “real world”, and become accustomed to chasing the dangling carrot that you’ll never be able to catch. Not to sound like a pessimistic jerk off, my point is that you’re not alone with your stress. The majority of high school kids are under some psychologically grueling circumstances. Just enjoy life, enjoy the present moment, don’t take anything too seriously. Sure, do well in your grades, but don’t freak out over anything. Maybe in your spare time, do some meditation, research some philosophy, listen to speeches and read some books from spiritual leaders. Over time, these things will help ground you and get you back into swimming with the current of life, instead of swimming against it.

@DimmedBulb I would say the only thing we truly desire is to eliminate the attachment to desired outcomes, which is a desire itself, so PARADOX!!! The elimination of needing any particular outcome or circumstance = permanent happiness. We all want happiness, right? Isn’t that what the human game is about? As long as we desire something, how can we be happy? I can say for certain in my own experience, every time I got something I desired – a video game, money, a good job, a pay raise, good grades in university education, a nice car, sex, food, alcohol, and so forth – it has never made me sustainably happy. It will give me pleasure for a time, but after a few days, weeks, and so forth, I’m back to being my unfulfilled self. Things are back to being out of my control, I’m back to being the victim. I fucking hate it. I think to truly be happy, I need to just go with the flow of life, and completely eliminate my attachment to any outcome. I can still enjoy pleasures, but I don’t NEED them. That’s very hard to do, especially for someone who has played victim their whole life like me. I need to go with the current of life, and stop fucking fighting it.

@Falk Good shit man! It's good to call me on my bullshit. When I say I “tried” pickup, I mean I went to a bar a couple times and started conversations with random women, after a few drinks of alcohol. And while they would respond well, and invite me to go hang out with them at other bars and stuff, I still felt bad inside. And then I’d give up and get pissed off at myself, and basically walk away. I never took moral victory out of it, or like I made any kind of progress, so I gave up. I know the problem. I’m insecure, I lose motivation easily, I don’t really know what I want, or why I want it. Completely lost. I need to work on my inner game to go along with the outer, otherwise it’s fruitless to pursue just one. This topic opened my eyes to my internal struggle. There’s nothing externally that’s wrong with me, but it’s all how I feel inside, and it’s how I identify or label myself. I gotta purge this fucking demon and just quit giving a shit about anything. I'll get there, I'll get there, it will just take time and a lot of work. The highs are pretty extreme right now, and the lows are extreme as well. I need some balance...

@spicy_pickles It's awesome you scaled back, because you saw you were using it as a means of fulfilling a void inside. But now you don't need it, so don't feel guilty if you still get the urge. Enjoy a beer once in a while! As Alan Watts once said, spirituality needs beer and a loud burp.

@Galyna Until you fully feel the "I" is removed, you won't be able to understand. Keep meditating, self-inquiring, until the "I" is removed and you truly feel what the present moment feels like. That's the moment "you" leave the prison of your mind, and become pure awareness. Don't feel stressed out or like you're doing anything wrong, or you should be at a certain point. Every internal struggle you have is necessary in order to reach the next step. The more you question reality and the patterns of your mind, the more the mind will release its grip - but it will also backlash in every way possible. Stay strong, and just observe its ridiculousness.

@Galyna What beats your heart? What draws air into and out of your lungs? Is it what you call “me” in your head? No, “you” do not control these things, nor do “you” feel, hear, think, etc. If you believe that the “I” thought is controlling these things, you’re mistaken. “You” are aware of these things, but they are not you. “You” are not separate from the external world, you’re merely part of it, like a wave is part of the ocean. As Eckhart Tolle once said, how ridiculous would it before for one wave to look at another and say “I’m different than you. I don’t like the way you look. I’m better than you.” etc.

@Dodoster Now Emerald, or anyone, please correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't have much experience with relationships, only observations and feedback from women. But I think most women initially go through that “sparkle” stage at a very young age. At that time, it’s more of an innocent thing, and the girl is inexperienced with men and dating. It’s like a drug, and gives the young woman a very big “high”. But most of the time, the guy they’re into is also inexperienced, and also selfish and doesn’t really know what he wants. So he’s liable to burn her in a very big way. And since women are more in-tune with their emotions on average than men are, women then become on guard about blindly falling for some guy again like that. If they do start to feel those feels, they’re definitely more cautious and on guard with the man they’re into. It’s going to take much longer to fall for him than it did maybe when she was younger, because she still has that memory of getting burned. Most women I have dated have told me about that quote unquote "asshole" who burned her in the past, when she was very young. I think maybe women with a lot of dating experience are more casual about things, and aren’t concerned about taking things too seriously. They kind of go with the flow, more like a guy would. I don’t know, maybe my point of view is skewed.

With the whole “fake it ‘til you make it” thing, that’s true, everyone does it. But it makes me feel bad inside, in all areas, not just dating. But when I am talking to a woman I am interested in, the facade is weighing more heavily on my awareness, and it upsets me. And let’s say I do get my ideal woman. What then? I’d be like a dog chasing a car – once I catch up to it, will I really know what to do with it? Can my persona (and hers; I know it’s not just me with this problem) sustain a genuine, deeper level relationship? Or is it some shallow, surface-level bubble that’s going to pop at the slightest touch? I think @aurum is right. I have to work on my internal and external congruently, otherwise I'm out of balance. It just sucks. I don't know what the fuck I want, why I want it, or how to get it. I'm lost.

@aurum I hear you. I don't shit talk pick-up, or think I'm holier than thou. The thought in my mind is: Why the fuck do I want this? To stroke my ego? I realize if I chased it day and night, I could improve or get results. I've tried it before, actually. The problem is, even when the women respond well to me, I still feel like a festering piece of shit on the inside. I feel like what I'm chasing is a fraud, and I'm tricking myself into wanting it just to satisfy my ego. I don't care about these girls, I care about my selfish desires. That makes me upset with myself, and the internal battle rages. I wish I was the guy that could rattle my bad feelings off with no problem, and just brush it to the side, become callous and oblivious to these things. But I can't. I question myself and my motives, bringing a sense of unease, and I guess women can pick up on it. @Emerald Wilkins Yeah, you're right. I'm identifying with these negative thoughts and feelings. I think you nailed it when you said it's a gamble. That's really what it is. There's no guarantee in anything.

I never really understood what people meant when they said they love everything. They love everyone the same, even love non-moving objects. I just couldn’t find that level of love, and I thought, what does anything deserve love for? But now, I’m starting to realize what they mean by this universal love. I’m not separate from the environment – I am the environment! I can smile at someone, and they’ll smile back. I can knock on a desk, and it makes a sound back. Even the sun deserves love – look at it in its glory! Who would be able to see it shine so brightly if this planet didn’t contain life? The environment is here to play with. Not just the external world are affected by this now, but the internal as well. If I didn’t have pain, how would I know joy? If I didn’t have thoughts, how would I know what no-thought even feels like? There can’t be a separation of “good” or “bad”, because the two need each other, and they are one! Just recognizing these things feels amazing. I must be entering yet another phase of this development. These realizations just kind of creep up out of nowhere.

It was a survival mechanism. Without it, my ego would probably would have had me commit suicide by now. It’s yet to be determined how things are going to pan out, but at least I can be more comfortable when I die, knowing I did the best I could with no regrets. That’s the main thing.

Are you in control of your heart beat? Your mind? The air you breathe? Let’s say you have limited control. What gives you that limited control? Consciousness? But then, animals have consciousness too. Are they in control? If not, why? Because they’re a lower order of consciousness? Well, what’s there to determine that our relatively high level of consciousness gives us control? Is that to imply that animals with greater consciousness are in more control than animals with more limited consciousness? What if there’s an alien species out there that dwarfs our level of consciousness? To them, wouldn’t we be seen as low-conscious and not in control of any of our actions? Would we be seen to them as merely ants in an ant farm?

Good advice. I am where I am at because of all of my so-called failures in my mind. I realize that the more this goes on, the more it’s meant to make me grow. When the time is ready, a good thing will blossom. The time may never be ready, however, so I’ll just have to accept that. I guess acceptance of the now, regardless of the situation, is what I need to focus on. That’s my inner demon. @Emerald Wilkins Awesome! That opened my eyes quite a bit. Thanks for sharing your insights. Indeed, I’m not hung up on masculinity and being so-called “alpha” like I used to be. In my mind, I am an “alpha” solely because I’m becoming in-tune with my very nature of being. I don’t need to join in the chase of materialistic goods, pound my ego's chest, tell funny stories and be the life of the scene, or draw attention to myself in order to build up the illusion of dominance and charisma. But as someone who would like a relationship, I notice that that’s something I have to be more like in order to attract a woman for dating long-term (whether it's actually sustainable is another question). Otherwise, I’m seen as a low-energy, uninteresting, unattached person. The man who’s core values are consciousness, nature, and zen isn’t the man who has a plethora of dating options, at least not in my specific case. That’s the paradox I’m facing. Why do I want this? To prove to my ego something, when I’m trying to dismantle my ego? Who am I to trust for what's best for me then, my lower self or higher self? Am I just using this spirituality stuff to mask the unfulfilled, selfish asshole inside? Am I fooling myself? So much struggle...

What’s amusing to me is that I’ve been making topics like these throughout the course of my spiritual “work” the past few months, and then I see people who are going through phases that I was going through not too long ago. Actually, I still deal with nihilism, but my answer to it is that yes: life is pointless. But at the same time, it’s also everything and it's guided. Existence is paradoxical unto itself, and there is no right or wrong way to view life, because every view is correct…and yet, wrong. If that makes sense. If it's true for you, then that's the way it is. You forge your own purpose, even if the purpose is to realize there is no purpose.

@Birdcage Thanks for the insights. I'm not a zombie, I still have a personality. I'm still direct and decisive when I need to be. I'm calm and I watch my body language to make sure it isn't submissive. I guess I'm just not a living embodiment of passion and purpose. Never have been. And when I have tried to strum up those things, it may look nice externally, but internally it goes against my fabric, and so I suffer. I'm not comfortable with the notion of faking it until you make it. My authentic 'self' is not one women are magnetic too, and hence why I feel destined to be alone. Thanks. I'm working on being 100% happy being alone, and I can get there. But then I have this mind-fuck that I'm giving up and running away, because I couldn't make it. It's very challenging.

@Elzhi I know exactly what I'm doing using man-made labels, and I'm aware of solipsism. But I'm not going to disregard all scientific measurements, when I think this magnificent universe and its complexity beyond human comprehension deserves to be marveled at. I'm more apt to say there is a Big Bang, and yet there isn't. Everything is a paradox.

Try and trace back when and where exactly your origin was. You’ll have to trace it before the sperm converged with the egg, inside your parents’ bodies. It’ll then have to be when your parents had a sense of lust for each other. But then it would be further back than that, to your grandparents' sense of lust. And traced all the way back to when life began. And life couldn’t have come into being without the solar system being the way it is, without the gases, temperature, and distance from the sun being exactly as it was. And that couldn’t have happened without the universe being set into motion to begin with. Your lineage traces all the way back to when the universe was set into motion, to what we call the Big Bang. You have existed since the beginning, and you will exist to the end. As long as consciousness exists, you’ll be able to experience yourself in some form or another.

@YoungSeeker I wish I could help you out there, but I really don't have any technique on remembering them. I just remember them, and I assume it's a byproduct of my enhanced consciousness through self-inquiry and always being in a watchful state of my mind and surroundings. In real life and in my dreams, it's like the fog has been lifted. It's nice to see my dreams so clearly, because it reinforces to me that reality as I interpret it is all an illusion of my mind. I do not journal them, but I do know I have at least 4 dreams I can remember per night, and can recall them mid-day, and maybe even days or weeks afterward, depending on how much of an impact it seemed to have had on me. I do see that I have recurring people and situations in my dreams, which is helping me understand my mind better. For instance, I dream about my sister and brother a lot. And it usually has to do with hanging out and drinking. Since they're my closest two companions, it makes sense. I also dream a lot about snakes, and it usually results in the death of the snake. I had one last night, where a snake was sneaking up on me in the grass of my parents backyard, but my dad saw it and shot it with a shotgun and killed it before it could do anything. In other dreams, I strangle the snake or snap its jaws apart with my bare hands... very strange stuff. I may have the potential to lucid dream at a frequent rate, if I worked for it. I've had maybe 5-6 lucid dreams in my lifetime, but it's been a few years since I've had one.

As soon as you talk about consciousness or a deep level of philosophy, people automatically tune out. Don't hold it against them, they're merely conditioned by their society and culture to behave a certain way. If they desire to try and get a deeper grasp on this type of thing, they'll do so only when they're ready. Otherwise, they're non-"defective" humans produced by the metaphorical factory responsible for modern society and its illusions.