I've never really made songs in any serious fashion, but I have the same thoughts when learning a song on guitar. The moment I've mastered it, it loses its specialness in a way, indeed because I've had to hear it so many times. On the other hand, you also become much more immersed in the song when you listen to it onwards, which makes it more special in another way.
One thing about songwriting I do sometimes think about is that you'll have no way to know how a listener truly experiences a song from their perspective, exactly because of this myopia of focusing very hard on the details and how things fit together, as well as having conceived it through your instruments (or vocals). In other words, your relationship to your own creation is inescapably so very different from the listener, and it's a bit sad that you will never be able to hear it from their perspective.

You are worrying about what consciousness should and shouldn't be. Wanting it to be some way you need it to be.
The nature of consciousness is whatever it is. Whether it's worth anything to you is irrelevant.

Give it time. Guide her so that she knows how you like it. If she has not been giving oral sex to another guy before, she won't really know how - its the same with guys doing oral to girls - it takes a bit of a practice to figure out where the "soft spots" are.
Also if you find it too sensitive, maybe she needs to be more gentle and also avoid touching the gland (the head) with her hand. Some days, the penis can be so sensitive that oral is just not an option. If you are not circumcised and most of the time wear your foreskin over the glans, you'll be waaay more sensitive than guys who have the skin cut or glans always exposed. 
Don't make too much of it  - you'll figure it all out, and the longer you stay together, the better the intimacy gets 

It's supposed to give people an experience of what it can be, similar to a psychdelic just with science. I am curious if it can just aid getting to deeper states etc. I doubt it's god-realization any of this mostly the classic buddhist path to non-duality, but actualy non-duality no the b.s that is claimed as non-duality and is just stream entry and other stages. It also depends which psychdelic I highly doubt that it can emulate a NN-DMT and or 5-MeO-DMT experience, and Shinzen could be aware. He did deity yoga type practices & people come with all type of questions from traditions&pratices to him. 

I highly value Ralston and Shinzen, I can go pretty deep with his techniques although they cause kriyas for me. It's very good practice that is extremely affordable, though when you can do it solo it does not matter as much. His techniques have a lot of variety and depth to it, as due to the nature of it beign many and having mixed traditions. It's also very exhausting. Yet it's not god-realization. I don't even know what that is even when watching the videos, and I still prefer to verify instead of spreading doubt. I use Shinzens techniques, they are effective for me as well as zen meditation, especially choiceless-awareness and self-inquiry these 3 things work the best for me, I use currently his "metta-paradigm" of being good, and give my best to dovetail it with Ralston insights, as I have no idea what the guy  teaches besides his books. As I talked to Shinzen and visited his home practice and life practice program. In his book he clarifies a lot of mystecism from a buddhist perspective historically and he did a shit ton of practice. 

I'd still say he is highly underrated, yet his techniques are not so good for people with trauma/shadows, as far as I know and talked to one other person online. The expansion and contraction paradigm is super sweet for meditating and also his ideas of wisdom function and creative work etc. I had some benefits to this for studying. I like it as he is not agains thinking and just shutting down the mind, although the techniques can do that. 

If I can have a 30-20 minute taste with a device like this, without only doing psyches, and ground myself in different states. That'd be pretty dope. 

He can be a little rigid, so I dunno. This is my impression of the device. He did LSD and Cannabis as far as I know as psychdelic no idea if he did other stuff, yet he is pretty open, I usually would love to check back with him even doing psyches as he is pretty open, and can just honestly tell me if I went beyond smth. and or not, relatively honestly. 

@Tenebroso I appreciate your insights on the interview.
What I get from Zan is this:
He’s speaking about a spirit/vibration that you’re coming from regarding women/life. (As woo-woo as it seems) He’s not teaching it just to men get laid, it’s different, it’s about loving women/feminine energy without agenda at first place.
If you get laid, enter relationships because of the spirit he’s talking about, great! It will just amplify your love. And to be honest, it’s not a book just about dating, relationships and women.
It’s a book about aliveness, love, creativity, metaphysical relating, poetry, appreciation.
It’s a book about healing and to the end, you will end up loving reality entirely.
So, it’s a spiritual way of living, appreciating yourself and women, beautiful communion, authentic communication and relating.
 
 

I just tested out Google Bard’s new Google Lens integration. Yes, you can now Bard analyze pictures for you!:
 
 

@mr_engineer Now I’m understanding the “engineer” in your nickname.
Are you an engineer?
If so, dude, I’m on STEM also. (Computer Scientist)
You have a map of reality so rigid about women and you believe it fucking hard.
You wouldn’t believe how hard-working/intelligent girls I’ve met on clubs.
Architects, Engineers, Designers, Nurses.
I’m talking about stunning woman. (Search for @provocateurpoa on Instagram).
You don’t need to go to a club.
Question your map of reality.
I encourage you to read:
The Book of Not Knowing - Peter Ralston The Alabaster Girl - Zan Perrion Final question:
Do you know where your type of woman live? Generalization is fucking dangerous.

Some models that I find interesting:
Levels of Consciousness by Frederick Dodson. Meta-States Model by Michael Hall. Matrix Model by Michael Hall.

Since Ken Wilber was brought up, Stage Theories just like any other dialectical model are best thought of as 'orienting generalizations'. In that they can be quite helpful for understanding the broad strokes of a particular domain, but run into trouble when they get Absolutized into an iron law of Reality.
This is of course also true of postmodernism (where critiques of Stage Theory come from), in that it's true in some important ways but is also a very partial understanding of Reality.
For my own part, my experience has been that Stage Theories are useful for thier ability to contextualize some of the dynamics of a given domain, but become problematic when used as the primary lens one uses to understand Reality, in that Stage Models are especially susceptible to being used as a form of epistemic bypassing.
When not used with care they can tempt us into thinking that we understand far more about Reality than we actually do; which is why it's important to cultivate epistemic humility, especially when one is using dialectical models.

@mr_engineer Real the book, Integral Relationships. 

If you already have experience with fasting I would definitely kickstart the practice by not eating for the first few days.
I just meditate on my bed, without backsupport, in a cross legged position. At least most days. 
If someone else is home I usually just spend 4 hours during the day + 4 hours during the night meditating. I still work on clients projects even during retreats so I only get about 4 hours of sleep. Which is not a problem because mindfulness => meditation => wakefulness.
On the days where I dont waterfast I do IF.
I drink water whenever I am thirsty. Ideally there should be a period before and after food where you dont drink (1 hour is enough) to aid digestion.
Mostly kasina. Mixed with weed and sometimes holotropic breathing. Tonight I did a LSA, HHC and holotropic breathing trip while meditating from 21:00 to 3:00 AM. I am not even on retreat, just had some spare time. 
Also, if your concentration is already strong enough you should listen to dharma stuff in the background as a peripheral object that gives you transmission at the same time.
Yeah, I talk to people.
I am used to having very intense experiences often, so I do not really take many precautions. Just feel it out and adjust as I go.
I do about two of these for 1 - 4 weeks per year. 

PASSIVELY WATCH
Any effort to solve a problem keeps it going. The next time you have a crisis, here’s what to do. Find a nice quiet place all alone. Relax. Passively watch what’s going through your mind. When you are watching passively, seeing these thoughts, have no concern as to what they are. You need not be concerned. You are standing aside watching them. Now you know who the devil is, what temptation is.
The devil is running thoughts through your mind, telling you to get up, go somewhere, to another room, for example. If we do, he’s got us. The temptation is to slouch, get depressed, get agitated, and forget what you are supposed to do. What we’re supposed to do is to watch. The passive watcher has no problems at all, but we want to fight, dramatize everything.

Some resources to become a Maker/Inventor:
Hackaday - https://hackaday.com/ Hackster - https://www.hackster.io/ Instructables - https://www.instructables.com/projects  Adafruit Industries - https://www.adafruit.com/ Make - https://makezine.com/ Arduino - https://www.arduino.cc/ Raspberry Pi - https://www.raspberrypi.com/

Nice story, thanks for sharing. Don't worry, you're in a good place for only 25. You got plenty of time to make those needed adjustments to your career and lifestyle. Don't try to do everything at once. Spend a few years getting your career in order. Spend a few years doing pickup. Spend a few years on your health and fitness. And spend a few years on spirituality and awakening. Then 10 years from now it will all come together in a beautiful way for you.
Yes, developing financial independence is a huge foundational step that enables everything else. So give yourself a few years to work on that. Be patient. It will be worth the investment.

@Harman I'd say work on taking a growth mindset. Everything you do towards a goal is an experiment. There is no winning or failure, only feedback.
Its feedback and reflecting on the feedback that is really valuable.
I'd recommend focusing on valuing getting feedback over achieving a positive result. This is called being process-oriented rather than results oriented. For example, if your goal was to practice your tennis swing you could approach it in a process-oriented or results-oriented manner.
The results-oriented manner would be that you set the goal of achieving a certain result in the world, i.e. hitting the ball over the net 60% of your shots. You therefore reward yourself when you get the specific certain result. 
The process-oriented manner would be that you set the goal of just taking certain actions, i.e. hitting 20 shots, and each 5 shots reflecting on one effective thing you think you are doing, and one ineffective thing. You therefore reward yourself when you take a certain action.
The results-oriented approach is destined to be less sustainable than the process-oriented approach in my opinion. Because you will have lots of emotional ups and downs because whether you hit your goal will change day to day. And you will have a tougher time dealing with frustration. The key issue is that you don't have total control over whether you hit your goal. So your metric of success is something you don't have full control over.
With the process-oriented approach, you have total control over whether you meet your goal each time. You will have less emotional ups and downs because your goal is just to practice effectively, rather than to achieve a certain external outcome. And, all you need to do is practice effectively and results will come.
So, in my recommendation, the key is to focus your goals on the process.
-------
A book recommendation is 'Atomic habits' by James Clear.

To school, I bring an apple, a little container of nuts/seeds, a spring mix salad with peeled carrots, pepper, and sprouted greens on top, and a thermos full of either chickpeas or lentils (that I put on top of my salad). 

Work with TMI until Stage 8 (or even 10 if you want) then continue with MCTB2. 
You will be enlightened by Buddhist standards, then after mastering those, you can get into Kriya Yoga with santatagamana's book (Kriya Yoga exposed) while doing self inquiry in the "post kriya state". 
With the calm mind you have developed and combining self inquiry with Kriya yoga, you will have many awakenings, continue like this until you get a permanent full kundalini awakening. 
Then at this point you will only need the "do nothing" meditation technique along with psychedelics. 
 
This is my action plan I am doing. 

My advice would be just to keep reading and keep educating that yourself. Guys on the forum are frequently asking me where I've learned what I know and the honest answer is over 7 years of reading, studying, researching and going to nutrition school to get my license to practice. 
These days I get most of the information from reading research papers but it has taken me a while to learn how to understand it....health is a journey and it is nice when you come to those answers yourself without others telling you how it all is. 
Look up a publicly available library in your area and start borrowing health books. If you can go through2-3 books in a month, you'll be unstoppable

Suffering is cyclical. Suffering will decrease by creating some direction in your life, whether that be through creating a life purpose, daily routines or goals, or by transcending the egoic self. You should also work on various meta-techniques or values that aid towards creating direction:
Learn to commit to things for a set amount of time (you can always change your mind later if it doesn't work). Have faith in your commitments as long as you carry them. Be consistent. Don't make compulsive exceptions to your plan; plan the exceptions! Actually listen to your mind. Your mind is amazing at identifying problems in your life, but you've developed a habit of ignoring it, and you start to dislike your mind and experience it as annoying or useless instead of the brilliant tool it is. Don't let it go to waste. Write down every problem that your mind keeps reminding you about, and find a working solution for any given problem (it doesn't have to be a final solution, just one step in the right direction, and of course, commit to it!). And you'll be surprised to find that maybe your mind shuts up for once. Tell the truth, or at least don't lie. Your mind needs as much transparency to itself as possible to work properly. By engaging in lies and deception, you're creating division, disruption and eventually self-deception. And the state that lying puts you in (paranoia) is inherently chaotic and cyclical. Paranoia is poison for minds that value direction. Keep things ordered at all levels: your room, your notes, your files, your clothes. Clutter outside means clutter inside. Be punctual, use timers for remembering things, eat consistently, sleep consistently.

This guy is incredibly dishonest and incompetent when it comes to understanding stats and claims regarding the vaccines.
One time he used the VAERS database as clear evidence for vaccine deaths  - and that tells me automatically - how much he doesn't actually care about  investigating anything related to the topic, how dishonest and incompetent he is and how he is only interested in impulsively reiterating complete nonsense without doing 5 second research or thinking before he opens his mouth on the issue.
https://house.louisiana.gov/H_Video/VideoArchivePlayer?v=house/2021/dec/1206_21_HW (from 35:00 you can enjoy his dishonest claims using the VAERS database as evidence)
The VAERS database is where you can report stuff but it doesn't prove causality or anything. VAERS literally has a website where they tell you this:
He has been consistent with his vaccine "scepticism"   since the beginning of the pandemic, regardless of the lack of evidence for his claims.
If he would be and if he would have been an honest sceptic , then he would have waited for a study to come out proving an actual causation between those death and the vaccine, but of course he is and was just reiterating his points very confidently without any tangible evidence.
 

I’m pretty damn sure I am autistic myself (although a woman) by research and experience.  I relate deeply to you regarding this fear of losing control because of this sexual desire taking over or something 
While it hasn’t solved fully for me. I can say that this desire isn’t some dangerous  force that is trying to make you go out there and do shit you don’t want. That might be the mental fantasies associated with the desires - but those mental fantasies don’t reflect that desire itself - but rather they are kind of some attempt of releasing this sexual energy.
In the same way a person who feels socially awkward and constricted in their social expression - they might have these fantasies of these ridiculous social scenarios where they are being social and charismatic as their ideal self  - doesn’t mean that is what they actually wanna do and will do.  Just when we have this energy stuck inside it can seem way more intense than it is 
 
you don’t HAVE to have “vagina” to release some of that sexual energy and feel some relief from this . Sure in the long run you want to have real sex sooner or later but there is no need to rush it . 
 
It is possible to release some of this sexual energy alone with yourself and your own body too. It doesn’t have to be masturbation necessarily but for example allowing yourself to entertain fantasies without holding back there, moving your body different ways along with this. You can play around with it, or it might happen spontaneously when you are alone or in another context that feels safe (in the same way someone might start compulsively talking to themselves when alone and imagining company as a way to try release this need for social expresssion  ) . It might sound like this cannot work as some partial temporary relief but it can if you allow it to flow more and stop resisting it. 
 
OR another way to go about this (this I did in the past,  the former - “going with the flow “-  has been what I’ve been getting in touch with recently) is to work so concentrated and hard for this ideal self you wanna be that you genuinely gain enough reward from progressing along this path that the reward is enough to satisfy you so these sexual desires stop feeling like some insatiable hunger. Your mind is essentially intensely concentrated on this “pursuit of ideal” rather than those desires , and is gaining rewards from this progression 
Along this path you still want to release some of that sexual energy slowly and gradually in comfortable doses, alone or with others, some way or another  - so just as @Carl-Richard said here in this thread - it is possible to hold and entertain ideals and desires simultaneously. 

People might say accept yourself and stuff like that, and for sure it can resonate but for some of us in some time of our life it doesn’t really. Instead, you can notice how all these negative feelings and negative self image you are having - there is actually a deep intelligence to this. This negativity is trying to “contain you”. It is serving a purpose, it isn’t actually that negative. You can use this “negativity” to FUEL this “pursuit of ideal” and go for it more aggressively and keep and keep accelerating and intensifying your effort. It can be extremely rewarding . 
 
You can ask yourself also: 
If, right now, you were your ideal self, exactly that ideal you want to be, would you then have problems with these desires? 

If not, that could give you a clue to that you don’t actually have problems with these desires —  but rather with your SELF. 
(this self you hate isn’t really you tho but that’s for another day lol)

Fundamentally you don't work because you have nothing to work for. No vision.

You want both.
Truth is of course core. But that by itself is not enough for a good life. You need passions outside of spirituality. You need some kind of career, hobbies, etc.
Pick one career and pick one hobby. And also you will pursue truth.

Your mind is a garden and you are a gardener. If you plant disempowering plants that is what you will get. A very sad garden. 
The thing with the awe inspiring garden is that you need to take your time and create and maintain the right eco system through right habits. 
It all happens in the now. Unless you are old you have all potentiality in the quantum field to choose from. 

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” - Carl Jung
 
one of the quotes I have recently found