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I'm on the path to becoming the best person I can be, and this is my story so far. Had a great childhood, really happy, full of excitement, great parents, upbringing, couldn't have asked for a better shot at life. Unfortunately, the people who I go back the longest way with got into heavily smoking pot and occasionally using harder drugs which rubbed off on me resulting in me starting using at age 14/15. Other, more sensible friends I had were shocked at me for doing this and gave me a lot of grief making me feel ashamed, guilty and embarrassed. It didn't stop me though. I carried on for about 4 years after, cutting back a lot after the first 2/3 years. Every time I was high I felt this shame and embarrassment and paranoia especially when I was in social situations. Certain people that I hung around with would give me a lot of grief for mistakes I'd make and humiliate me. They'd even call me a druggy themselves even though they were the ones that got me into it. This caused me to not be able to trust myself or my decisions. became a problem even when I wasn't smoking, especially when talking to girls. My confidence started to go down hill ever since I started smoking and let those people down. This was especially bad at age 18 when I was unemployed and sat at home on my own most of the time. I would take cocaine/mdma/mkat on the weekends and feel so shitty about myself afterwards. The guilt was so bad sometimes. I felt like I had completely ruined my life and had gone from an awesome person with so much talent and potential who got lots of attention from girls, to a scumbag/druggy/chav who everyone looked down on in disgust and disappointment. I was depressed, frustrated, socially anxious, extremely self-conscious and my self esteem seemed no existent. Once I found a job I still continued with my old habits, although I did started exercising a bit. I hated the job, and my life. Mostly because I don't like the way I look and how I interact with people. Exercising helped a lot, but only temporarily. I decided to go back to college to pursue music. This meant living with my sister during the week and meeting a lot of new people in a city. I was so used to being in a small town with my group of friends, so this was way out of my comfort zone. It went ok, there were others there that were a lot more socially awkward than me and I was actually talking to people fine. I wanted the conversations to end as soon as they started, but I wasn't anxious all the time. I just felt like I didn't fit in at all. Couldn't talk to attractive girls, just felt so awkward, like they were always judging me. Anyway my confidence got better during my time there. I was meeting new people and I made a lot of good friends who were nothing like people I'd known before. I recently finished with the highest grade possible. Last year I found a great online course that helps with creativity (as I had zero motivation to write music) and it recommended the Headspace app (guided meditation). I bought the app about a year ago and have been meditating regularly since. This was a real turning point for me, really cleared my head, still a lot of negativity now but it sure helped a great deal. I started digging deep and figured that my problem is low self esteem. Anyway, I discovered leo's videos a few months back and they've inspired me to get on this path and make self-help a hobby. Today, I've still got low self esteem, and my confidence with girls is pretty bad, but I'm in a hell of a lot better place than I was a year or two back. I still feel guilty and ashamed in social situations, and like I'm somehow inferior to people, and that people are always reacting negatively to me (especially girls), but I'm trying to be patient. I'm moving out of my parents house in a week or so and into the city. I've got a job that I don't mind at all and I'm constantly meeting new and interesting people. I'm starting to like who I am. Got a long way to go, but I'm looking forward to the journey.

I'm passed all the doom and gloom of explaining my flaws. Unless I get any big insights that shed some more light on why I've felt this way. Anyway, felt great the past few days. Moojis video on self-enquiry has really given me another perspective who I actually am. The idea that I am this non-tangible being, much more than the body, that remains consistently active and witness to all thoughts and bodily sensations, helps enormously both in meditation, and throughout my day. I am now able to be present when people are talking to me and not get as lost in negativity about how I come across both in appearance and personality. By focusing on this idea the self-consciousness I get is drastically reduced and my confidence increased. I have more motivation to do the productive things I like, and also to pursue personal development. Concentration and learning is also getting better. I am beginning to accept my thoughts and feelings and not push them away or react to them. The idea of loving them to death is a real help. I feel a lot less inferior and like I'm being watched all the time in social situations. Self-esteem is the best it's been in my adult life. I keep thinking that this has happened all of a sudden, but when I think about it, things have gradually been improving for well over a year now. Particularly my social life. I guess trying meditation was a good idea Just need to be consistent now, missed over 80 days over the year I've been doing it, but that doesn't matter. It's been every day for nearly a month now so just gonna take it from here. Want to stick to my daily schedule and add a few new things such as exercise, journaling, getting up on time and sitting and coming up with goals, visions and ideas for what I want to accomplish in life. Haven't stayed up to date with writing in my journal as I've been pre-occupied with moving house. But here's my last entry from a week ago: Really beginning to get a sense of who I am . I am starting to let go of ideas about being the body and this identity. Ability to ground myself is improving and felt at ease when interacting with people today. Resistance is still present, particularly towards thoughts of the past and my lack of experience with the opposite sex. There is also resistance when I think about feelings I get in certain situations where the mind tells me I shouldn't feel like that. This creates real disturbance. Felt slight fear at the concept of me not being my body, but also excitement as it shows that I'm on to something. Self-consciousness seems to have greatly reduced due to this new way of thinking. This must be kept consistent.

Friday Meditation: Felt I could identify less with the body and more with the consciousness. Had moments of feeling detached from the body. Emotions came followed by resistance, but I let this pass because I was more focused on awareness. Occasionally found myself distracted by thoughts, but was present overall. Contemplation: Noticed that there are thoughts always telling me that I shouldn't feel and think the way that I do sometimes. Telling me how bad I am for feeling these things even in situations where I should be comfortable and myself. Here lies the most resistance towards the mind. Watched the rest of Mooji's vid on self enquiry. Kept getting insights and feelings of, wow, that's different, I sort of get that. Cannot put these insights into words, they were feelings. Felt great. Sometimes I get the feeling that I've had these ideas all the time, but in a less uplifting way. More in a, life's pointless and the things people do are pointless, sort of way. Not for a long time though.

Thursday Meditation: Went for an unguided meditation this morning which was a change from the usual guided headspace ones. Really enjoyed it. Went through all the stuff headspace tells you to do but this time instead of focusing on the breath I simply sat doing nothing. It helped me see that we are not our thoughts nor our feelings. They are just what have accumulated over time. They come and go. They don't mean anything. The consciousness stays the same all the time. Contemplation: Lack of self-respect caused by guilt of who I perceived myself to be during my teen years. Felt I had thrown opportunities away. Told myself how much happier I'd be if I'd have done XYZ. Truth is, I deserve happiness and everything I want. It's a birthright. An inherent quality. The past belongs in the past. Lack of self-efficacy caused by making silly, embarrassing mistakes, and being ridiculed. Going with what others suggest and not thinking properly about it. Reacting in ways that caused me to believe I cannot make my own logical decisions. I'd think too hard about the simplest of things which would cloud my mind. I've been completely discounting the number of decisions I've made that have been positive. Going to a new place and meeting lots of new people Taking care of my mind Pursuing my passion Working hard at college Moving away from my home town After doing my morning routine I continued watching a Mooji video on Self-Inquiry as this is something I am adding to my schedule. It's a long vid and still haven't finished watching it but I'm starting to grasp a few things. Ideas are put into us as soon as we're born. 'I' comes before we learn the word itself. Awareness of being comes first. Thoughts just build up over time. They are not who we are. We are not even the body. The idea that we are the body comes after the 'I am'. The self we think we are seems more real because it gets more attention that the 'pure self'. The attention goes, but the 'I', the perceiver, never goes. I've also realised that my thoughts and feelings aren't the problem for the most part, it's the resistance I feel towards them. 'I shouldn't feel this', 'I shouldn't think this', 'the habits are so strong', 'I hate these feelings'. I didn't take into account the thoughts and feelings that come after the original ones are where I feel the most resistance. Coming to these kinds of realisations always gives me peace. It's nice to see clearly the areas you need to work on.

Tuesday 20 mins meditation: Hard to stay present. Thoughts all over the place and felt anxious, but just let my mind and body do it's thing whilst I focused on my breath. Self-conscious thoughts at work really doing my head in. The anxiety I get when I think about it that I can't help but resist makes me frustrated. Automatic thoughts of low self worth, worrying about what I look like, and being anxious about what I should say flood my mind as soon as I start interacting with people. Not so much worry about treating people badly like usual. No feeling depressed, I'm happy when I'm on my own, just struggle with the negative thoughts during conversation. Also cannot seem to detach from my thoughts and feelings. I could a couple of weeks back, but I can't seem to grasp that they have no meaning. They feel like me. I can't be present with people because I feel like it's more useful to think (that last bit = another thought and probably the problem). I need to experience the awareness being useful. I need to focus on raising my self esteem and dealing with this guilt. I want to start seeing girls, and I know I'll have no trouble with this if I work on these things. No insights today I don't think. Need to take a note pad with me to work in future. Now to have a read of the 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem.

Monday Got up, meditated for 20 mins, affirmations for 10, visualisation for 10 and went to work. As always tried to stay present and aware and not resist any of my thoughts and feelings. Clear thoughts popped up about why I always feel guilty and ashamed of who I am. It's to do with the drug taking. The guilt mostly comes from thinking I have let my Dad down. I'm his only son, and he's presented me with the best chance at life anyone could get. He thinks the world of me, and I took things for granted. I feel like I've ruined my chances at life. These are the thoughts that are causing this guilt. My Dad still thinks the world of me. He knows what I get up to, or at least what I used to. Not so much the heavy pot smoking at 15, but he wouldn't be disappointed in me, ever. But the guilt is still there. It makes me think I'm treating people badly when I'm not, and that they must think that I'm a scumbag. I don't know who I'm supposed to be around people, I'm always second guessing myself and the way I act and the things I say to people. I ponder on the things I've said for moments after. Was I being myself ? Is that the way people expect someone like me to be ? Or do they think that was weird ? What behaviour suits me ? I hope I wasn't hurtful in any way or made them feel like I've felt in the past. It's not until I've got these thoughts right in front of me that I realise how unbelievable ridiculous they are, and how much I seek the approval of others. Also how massively over-empathetic I am. I did a bit of contemplation and asked myself what motivates me to create the guilt that I feel. I create these emotions because I think it will make people feel sorry for me, and I will win there approval. The root of this is probably from letting down friends that thought a lot of me. Letting people down that would have never expected me to take drugs. Now I think about it, I always think about ways that I am showing these people that I am a good person who is doing well for himself, always have. There again trying to win their approval. I'm bullying myself with all these thoughts. I just need to win my own approval and I'm seeing that now. Also LET GO OF THE PAST. Don't get me wrong though, this is just what I have figured my problem is. I am actually feeling relatively good these days. I'm starting to see that I do deserve to be happy and that these feelings are just caused by years of conditioning. I realise that I have done nothing wrong and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Also I am trying to think highly of myself in social situations, which seems to be working for the anxiety. My quest is to lose the shame and the guilt. Change my self-image. Change my beliefs about myself that are such bullshit. Raise my self esteem back to what it once was and pursue a career in music.

Just like to hear peoples daily routines. I believe they are important because they create consistency. This is what I do at the moment. My routine: Meditate - 20 mins Affirmations - 10 mins Visualisations - 10 mins Write music (life purpose) - 1 to 2 hours at least Personal Development program - How ever long it takes me to watch videos/complete exercises Watch an Actualized video Read or watch other self help/personal development content They are done in this order, but around work and other commitments. Feel free to give me your opinion on it as well

@TeaDiddy I'll be sure to do that Only recently discovered leo's vids and actualized.org and it's really got me inspired to get on this journey ! Started reading and watching a lot of self development stuff and I'm looking forward to seeing what's in store. I write dance music as a hobby, but I'm starting to get back into guitar. What do you do ? I see from your picture you play some kind of guitar yourself ?

Hey, 23 year old from York, not very far away