schmitzy

During a period of hard work, loneliness and depression I made a bunch of good decisions. Now, one could say I have my sparkle back. I'm back in the city. Life is so much more interesting here for me. I feel strong and I have resources and routines. I totally got into habit formation - currently reading Atomic Habits by James Clear.

Whether it's teaching, making music myself or playing in an orchestra, something has shifted classical music to a whole new level for me lately. I enjoy it all so much that it makes me wonder why this is so and why it was different before. I think it might actually be multicausal. I'm beginning to understand what purpose is. I've made a choice to 1. make people feel cared for (in concerts as well as in lessons) 2. music 3. the oboe. I'm getting competent now. I know how to practice, how to teach and still enjoy getting to know new techniques My quintet has shown me how fun making music together can really be The work on my self-esteem is starting to pay off I'm able to focus better (meditation, maturity) When my father died, I had to grow up. I always went to him for money and advice. Thank you. Rest in peace. I love you. I'm experimenting with mindset, attitude, honesty and gratefulness. Yesterday I played 2nd oboe and I doubt anyone in the audience noticed my messy head sitting all comfortably in the middle of a mass of people, orchestra, choir and with soloists and a conductor up front. But I had so much fun making music that I contributed to making the performance beautiful. Though other people did notice, namely the first oboe and the violist in front of me. Compliments really do feel nice.

I graduated! Loved playing the concert. It was stressful before but crazy rewarding during and after. I had a great audience The next day, I started preparing for my next recital in January. Looking forward to it. Yesterday I took back my Friday students - a happy reunion! Next week I'm going to be quite busy teaching the oboe, piano and singing. I'm meeting with friends regularly. My self-inflicted loneliness has taught me a valuable lesson on how relaxing company can be to me. I really am more relaxed and my more positive attitude draws people to me. I'm super interested in sex at the moment. Not in actually having sex with people but studying it and exploring it with myself. It's great fun!

I had an exciting experience today when I detected an unexpectedly strong habit. Months ago I had started to finish every single one of my showers cold, no matter what. Over time, it has become a really pleasurable experience and I often start humming while letting the cold water flow over me. Anyways, I'm on my period today and it's PMS mode extraordinaire. So I grumpily decided to skip the cold water. But instead of turning off the water completely my hands automatically just turned off the hot water, the rest of my body got up and carried on with the cold water fun as usual.

Hey Azote - your hobbies sound really cool! From my perspective, I can only encourage you to keep doing capoeira: I totally regret giving up judo out of insecurity as a teenager after years of training. It is great to be part of a sports club. Even going "just" once a week is consistent training! You're doing awesome

Things hadn't quite worked out as planned. One could say there was a part of me that needed maintenance. I wanted to make music and be creative but I couldn't because I felt so lonely that I could barely function. This opened my eyes to the fact that this wasn't just a phenomenon happening because I was so sad after my father's death, but had gone years undetected. That's why I often felt depressed in summer. I tried many times to work on my own overtime unsuccessfully instead of taking time off and recharging my batteries. I had grown accustomed to more solitude than is good for me. But no more of this! As soon as I figured it out, I sought out the company of my friends and family. This was incredibly soothing and worked wonders for my mood and productivity. I felt inspired to reevaluate my values. I was so surprised to realize that creativity and excellence (which used to be my top values) are right now less important to me than love, consciousness, friends, family and even nature. After finding out about this, I often detect feelings of loneliness, fear of loneliness, anxiousness, anger. I'm so happy I get to fully feel and label them now. This gives me clarity. Things I made happen: Got two new substitute positions that grant me a steady enough income until July Enrolled in my first postgrad programme Finished the first pillar (Branden) Almost finished: the second arrangement for my quintet Found a house for musicians I want to move into in the future Smiled at a cute guy today

I was just checking out some old videos of myself and it was really eyeopening from a distance and in the light of what I know about my psychology today. In 2009, 2012 or 2015, no matter when, I played the oboe beautifully. Still, I remember always feeling so inadequate and I see it in the videos. There were two fundamental problems: I was beating myself up over the tiniest mistakes and as soon as something happened, I simply gave up playing the rest of the phrase. Sometimes, admittedly not when I have a gig but when I'm playing for college, this still happens to this day! My posture and strength. My stance was too wide, my knees and center too floppy and as soon as I had to play, there was massive movement in my legs and body in order to compensate. The funny thing is, that never happened to me when I was singing (either classical or pop while accompanying myself on various instruments). I felt so amazing and expressive doing that. In those videos, I was just beaming like crazy - I delivered, never made mistakes and gave a fuck about technical imperfections - but actually, my singing skills were way lower than my skills on the oboe at all times (well, for at least 10 years now). But my carefree bliss totally charmed people. That's what I was lacking on the oboe most of the time. Nobody likes a perfectionist. I mean, seriously, there was this piece one I just listened to: I literally thought "what is that angelic sound? It's so beautiful, I can't even believe I was part of producing it!" then my bad shape hit me, a mistake slipped and I couldn't play the piece to the end (the listener-me was thinking: "quite unfortunate, but OK... it was so beautiful before"). When the piano finished as well, I looked all defeated and you could literally see all the nasty words that were going through my head. I was defeatedly explaining what happened, talking talking talking and I didn't let my professor say a word!!! Other than that, there was so much interesting stuff in these videos. E.g. a lot of free improvisation that evoked feelings somewhere in between of "what the fuck is this?!", "dope shit" and "omg we had no clue what we were doing". Or my bachelor project that wasn't so well played because once again I wasn't in shape but perfectly designed and well-orchestrated with the other participants (an actress, pianist, singer and technicians). Now, I feel motivated to make reeds, practice, get my body in shape, play, do something I already started with some reeds.

Who do I want to be? In 50 years, I see myself as a laid-back 76-year-old lady with a knowing smile on her lips. People like to come to see me because they think I'm wise and they feel comfortable around me. I have been meditating for 51 years. Through all the ups and downs I have taken good care of myself and I've been doing yoga for decades. I'm still making music for fun. Probably I'm still teaching because I like to contribute by being a good mentor. At some point I started listening to news podcasts and reading history books in order to get a broader perspective. What are my strategies? First, put into place new relaxing habits to substitute eating, TV and romance. IDEAS: draw, paint or tinker read or write on paper (poetry?) listen to music watch documentaries take walks drink tea (at a tea house or at home. Maybe get some nice tea accessories.) hang out with people put outfits together/dress up Secondly, general habits. Every day get up at the first ring of the alarm clock meditate for 20 minutes finish the shower with cold water primp myself have fruit for breakfast play the oboe Every week meet a friend relax stretching, yoga or Feldenkrais exercises have a serious oboe practice session (>90 minutes with breaks) 1 hour of reedmaking dance (alone or at a club, doesn't matter) Every fortnight go out (if there's no one to join, go alone) Every month do some wellness (at home or at a spa/salon if I got cash) think about purpose, long-term work goals, visions. get inspired. go to a concert, museum or art event Every quarter see my brother and mother review values list take 3 days off Every year meet my 3 old friends meet my closer family circle have a vacation somewhere interesting Thirdly, have specific short-term goals for this year. Work goals finish my studies win over at least 2 more oboe students for 2018 compose a song or piece I like that is at least 3 minutes long create a website and put it online send out 10 job applications create a new stream of income Health and fitness goals become an active member of a sports club (rowing?) eat consciously in two years from now: achieve 24% body fat (now 33%) Friendship goals become an active member of a sports club (aaah look how effective this idea is ) contact my old friend Luca who I lost touch with find a new good friend who lives close-by meet Janina Relationship goals genuinely feel sexy smile at attractive men have abundance, date casually find a partner so amazing I could imagine spending my whole life with him grow together In four years from now: have kids. I know I can't give them back but I don't want to miss out on that fundamental experience. Personal development goals find a system that works to get rid of 9% body fat, be fit & healthy read 5 books, one of them being the “6 pillars of self esteem” by N. Branden finish LP course Lifestyle goals In two years from now: find a nice place. I want to receive guests so I need a living room with a couch and a dinner table, further a garden or balcony. Things I want to do/pick up in the next 20 years: visit Canada, Japan, Russia go to a yoga class regularly master some kind of partner dance listen to news podcasts read history books swimming

The diva's diary is over a year old now! It's time for a review! Let's take a look at the goals I set in my very first post on July 16th, 2016. keeping up my daily meditation routine (20 min, started 3 weeks ago) ✔️ ➡️ great, very specific goal. I missed 16 days since June 25th, 2016. Most of them were in the end of May, about a month after my father died when I was extremely drained by work. Not aiming to excuse but analyze here. taking care of my body (nutrition, yoga, hiking/running) ➡️ not a specific goal. kinda did it, experienced a lot of backslides - mostly gathered knowledge and awareness here. maintaining caring relationships with important friends and family members ✔️ ➡️ not a specific goal. kept in touch quite well with my brother and my best friend who I invested in as much as I could. So glad I went to my old friend's wedding even though this was quite inconvenient at that time. I'm overall pretty satisfied with this point. practicing music and technique on my instrument in a variety of methods ➡️ those years when I had time to just experiment away for hours each day are pretty much over. I didn't really have the chance to do this and worked more on my educational skills. using mental practice and visualization techniques ➡️ I only did this very few times. It proved to be intense and useful though. In order to take better advantage of this, I need to be more specific about my goals so I can apply these techniques. seeing beyond my own nose to expand my artistic horizon as much as possible ➡️ I kinda almost didn't expand my artistic horizon. Once I met a guy on the train who I'm occasionally going to concerts with. I almost didn't go to any concerts or events though!!! Again, this goal was not specific at all. It wasn't really on my mind. (More measurable would have been: What am I going to do to? How many times per week/month?) These days, I thought about the general expansion of my horizon a lot though. Awesome topic. A lot happened. Noteworthy things I did to gather new experiences: daring to work as a piano teacher with deficient skills, traveling to New York, found out it's possible for me to be skinny but "being skinny" itself isn't a good goal, learning a lot about my body (e.g. through Feldenkrais or learning stuff about health and nutrition) and finally using multiple sources personal development. Now, what about the things I aimed to avoid? getting into an emotionally dependent relationship ✔️ dodged that bullet with David. Interesting how this negative goal setting fulfilled itself. I wasn't really looking for a relationship from the start. There were more pressing issues. binge eating and watching TV ➡️ I watched TV very little but had bad phases where I watched a lot. Binging food, TV and romance started in January /February after I panicked that I couldn't keep my weight down after my diet. Gained most of my weight back but am a bit fitter than I used to be. losing focus, getting distracted and having too much stuff to do ➡️ I don't mean to disrespect myself. But what focus? What did I expect with goal settings and visions that unspecific? Wait a second, interesting discovery here!!! On a "conscious" level, I thought I was going to master my instrument. This didn't really work out. On a subconscious level, I did everything to become a music teacher. I mean, I was in the middle of my Masters degree of music education and I got a job at a music community center. My subconscious realized there was a chance for a much needed steady employment, I took it and I invested in it. I outgrew my oboe class at college, not putting a lot of work into artistic expansion. Overall, I've gained a lot more knowledge and awareness. I think I'm at a point where I can really start to build myself up (thanks to Nathaniel Branden with his Six Pillars of Self Esteem, I finally know what a self esteem actually is. Oddly enough I'm realizing upon reading the book that I didn't know before. My self esteem has been quite low all my life. I can't name one family member of mine with a great self esteem actually.) Let me wrap this up here - but I'm already full of ideas for my next goal-setting post!

Don't care about moodiness Do good things Be & relax

Being in New York City for a week was a great new experience. Spending almost 24/7 with a friend I hadn't seen in 4 years was also nice and interesting. We have a connection I want to uphold even though it's going to be long distance. She is a precious person with all her traits and flaws. Today I told my best friend of two years about my self esteem issues and overeating habits. She was glad I confided in her at last and - being six years my senior - affectionately said something along the lines of me finally growing up. On all levels of my consciousness, I can see overeating for all it is now. It's not a symptom of anything it's the problem itself. I'm ready to let it go. I don't want this to hold me back. So if I'm growing up now this means I am ready to accept reality and walk out of airy-fairy-land all disillusioned, see all the hard work that has to go into growth but I also embrace that the magic I am deliberately creating is true magic that will last.

Thanks for giving us a peek at your music. It's beautiful!

I'm learning and applying great strategies for a healthy life. I know it's going to work because I have the right goal, motivation and methods. I'm finally figuring this out for good! I love my substitute teaching position. I feel passionate about this. I'm making up all sorts of strategies to give amazing music lessons. Making music myself on various instruments is being fueled by this. Luckily the pianist I'm substituting for will be gone at least until October, so I'll have another opportunity to work with her students. And good lord, it's a ton of cash. I'm seriously considering to study the piano now so I can do this in the future because it feels like a both fun and meaningful job. Because man, I realized that's what I need right now: an employment so I can sort myself out, reach plateaus, have some fun and a social life. I had an important insight: there are certain pillars in my life: my health and spirituality, my family and friends, my love life, my work, purpose and music. Together they form a unity I call "my life". But in order to live a good life, it is useful to separate these pillars from one another so I can rely on good stuff in other pillars when one comes tumbling down. (e.g love life goes bad - but I can write a song about it, meet my friends, stay healthy etc. I lose my job - but I can still make music, rely on my relationships, be healthy and vital. A loved one dies - but... etc.)

@TakeCare this review is awesome! Cool idea. And well done, congrats on your progress. Take care!

I decided against following through with the party plan for now. I did go to a barbecue that other friends organized and traveled home for an old friend's wedding. The wedding was full of love, amazing, beautifully organized and it was great to see some of my old friends there. We had a table with the good old clique. Even though I felt awkward at times I had a blast, socialized and danced, completely without overeating, without restricting and drinking just 100 ml of wine (I guess that equals nothing being at a party for 11 hours). I realized that there is a next level in personal development. The next level for me isn't partying, it's living healthy, always. Party is nice though At home, I got a few hours with my mom and her new boyfriend. It was the first time I saw him. He is ill, too. He has multiple sclerosis. His new method of therapy is taking care of my mom. How great is that? Seeing this cute, severely ill and codependent couple provided me with three fundamental insights: Be proactive for good health NOW and forever. Have a life purpose that I love and believe in. Give the world something valuable. Joke, laugh and communicate. Enjoy life NOW. It is going to end sooner than I think.