schmitzy

Ah, I think I get it. The key to letting it flow is to have certain habits in place that are not optional.

I got a feeling that I've always tried to construct my life to a degree that is too exhausting. Think about blockage. My objective is to mindfully let it flow from now on. Something is clicking on me. I found myself writing a prayer yesterday.

Eating mindfully is it now. It blends into doing some other things more mindfully as well. I was watching cheesy Chinese soap operas with my flatmate, a thing that I don't usually do since I quit TV. Afterwards, I meditated and later ended up watching a clip of Marina Abramovic's "reunion" with Ulay. That sent me of crying thinking about stuff like aging, love, lost love, loneliness, art and vision. Now it's time to go to bed for tomorrow is another day to try, struggle and go out there. It is getting more and more obvious that what I can share with people is music and playing the oboe. It is my career capital, no doubt.

I am dissatisfied. I am angry. I want to post about this. There is no use in pussyfooting around. First I want to note that many things are good: I am very satisfied with how sports and meditation have blended into my life. I am playing my instrument every day. My body is settling into the task, getting stronger and better organized with the help of exercise, Feldenkrais and growing awareness. My playing is becoming beautiful again. I often feel a surge of motivation to just go practice. Which pisses me the hell off is my nutrition. It is on my mind constantly. At one point I just couldn't handle my emotions anymore and am now binge-eating frequently. As it usually goes I used to be surprised of how skinny I still looked until I didn't anymore. I'm still not fat, rather female, but I liked skinny. And let's face it, if this goes on I might get fat. No, let's be brutally honest: If this went on, I would get fat. Shit. And then at some point I would feel so bad that I went on a hardcore diet again - and then - welcome to my life as I have known it for fifteen years: the yo-yo-cycle. I wonder what would be best now. I don't want to make resolutions that I can't keep like I've been doing up until now. I read somewhere that one should focus less on getting beautiful and more on getting healthy. That really resonated with me. It's fucking hard though because obviously I want to be beautiful. I am not a victim. I will make myself happy. I will love myself unconditionally. Keep you updated on how it goes.

After talking to a wise friend of mine I had an insight: what if I started overeating again because I feel unsafe facing the upcoming changes in my life? Because I know and have already applied healthy nutrition that works for me. Probably, the overeating is a warning sign of my so-called "lower self". So I made a list of reasons why I'm safe as well as a list of things I can do to make myself feel even safer. Funny enough, they really resonate with me and I find both lists pretty cool and impressive. So I guess topping is great - but right now I'm getting in there to bake the cake.

I grew up in a Catholic environment and learnt pretty much all there is to know about that. My parents on the other hand almost never went to church. They were just passive church members who didn't care much. The newspaper was their Bible I guess. I had a phase where I was very inspired by a cool priest. I was studying material about the Bible and planned on going to church every Sunday. But in the end this didn't last, since I found people/preachermen in church more conservative than living their teachings. Also I didn't want to limit myself to a paradigm like one religion when there were so many others that didn't appeal to me any less or more than this particular one. So I'm currently pretty undecided on religion and spirituality. I guess I believe in a higher power that lives within pretty much everything. Today I had a very religious friend over. I respectfully listened to her opinions and faith. Christianity feels like a weird concept to me with Jesus taking away all our sins (no matter how horrible as long as you believe). The topic of religion made me think though. I'm struggling at the moment, being highly uncertain. That's ok and more common among people than I used to think. Anyways, I'm happy that I am trying hard and facing the struggle instead of giving up like I have done so many times before. I just feel like my efforts of looking inside my own affairs have always isolated me. I observed that this is making me orbit my own ego in a weird way that actually hinders growth. An idea presented itself: What if religion is a way of accepting that one's own powers are quite limited in the context of all that's going on? Wouldn't that be a great concept: One gives love and worship to God while praying, plus admits that one is a little ant that is going to be the dust soon anyway. In return, upon asking for guidance in his or her tiny affairs, one receives strength, inspiration to live a noble life and focus (especially easy in monotheism).

Thanks to a funeral gig I had a chance to deal with emotions of regret. Someone had killed himself and I probably picked up the general vibe. After my playing, the deceased's brother came over to hand me an envelope with money. It was a sum that I had suggested. It was a very quick transaction. I didn't stay for the buffet. I guess I was invited but it was unclear, so I went with my gut. I walked two blocks, counted the money, then sat down on a bench. I felt bad about all sorts of things: Why did I honestly but mechanically shoot a standard phrase of condolence at the brother? Why didn't I hold his tormented gaze for longer? Certainly I could have done something better? I felt like sweets, so I knew that something was going on. I asked myself: what do I feel? - regret. When did I last feel regret? - a couple of days ago when I wished I had trusted my intuition that first time I refused to kiss David. When did I first feel regret? - when my father was (non-physically) cruel to my mother "because of me". I sat with myself for a little while and comforted my inner child. It was very interesting to make this connection, because I often feel guilt and regret for rather unjustified reasons.

Today, I substituted for an acquainted oboe teacher. A few things happened that were tiny but very notable to me. I decided to spend two-thirds of my wage on a cab so I wouldn't be late because my job is important to me. I'm no victim and I'm worth going all out for. I felt like surrendering to buy ice-cream although I didn't consciously want to. But I found myself reframing: "granted, today feels like shit. but if I said 'no' that would be a victory quite easily achieved." This worked and it put a smile on my face. Twice. Positive psychology seems to start seeping into my subconscious. There was an encounter where I was touched by something good. Grazed by its feathery wings you might say. I simply asked another teacher for directions to the bathroom and he gave them to me. But while he did so, I obviously looked into his face and his eyes. He was remarkably good looking, a fit and tan man in his sixties (I guess) - but the most striking thing were his eyes. Apart from the fact that they had an amazing blue-green colour, they seemed to gleam. Like living gemstones, if this makes any sense. He had a very firm and centered yet agreeable look. Later, at home, I found myself remembering and googled his name. I found next to nothing about him online, but quite some things about his wife or ex-wife who appears to be some kind of healer. I read about her and her life seemed quite remarkable to me: She was out there, brave and non-violent. What's funny is that she has very long hair and I intuitively (and because of a comic book) envision part of my older self having a very long grey or white plait. I felt drawn to her female energy and inspired for a healthy and assertive lifestyle.

That actually was a workout yesterday. Parts of my body hurt like hell and I'm really fucking tired. I guess now we're getting somewhere.

I was working out a little harder these days. It feels great. Also, I have fallen off track with my diet but this made me realize some due changes in my nutrition. So I'm back on it. Feeling inspired. I am becoming slightly more social which I like. It feels healthy and strong.

@Vercingetorix Thanks for the reminder on this topic. I figured out what I wanted to say to David and called him today. I basically ended up telling him that I was angry about the whole emergency contraception drama which lead to my passive-aggressive behavior. I apologized. He said there was no need, in fact that he needed to apologize himself because he hadn't gotten in touch for a couple of weeks. Then he said he didn't want to have a relationship with me but wouldn't mind our meetings to continue the way they were. I guess guys will be guys. I declined, complimented him on his positive character traits and wished him well. Off-guard, he returned the good wishes. That was it. I'm not happy, but content. This felt like a high road. I'm looking forward to have great sex again, it has been a while. And it might be a while because a part of me says that I want to establish a relationship before. First things first, life purpose and employment situation feel like my stepping stone towards all that good stuff.

These days I feel like a juggler. I'm practising, meditating, exercising, reading, contemplating, questioning, networking, trying to be a good human being. I wonder what I will have found out about myself once I complete the Life purpose course. I dream of performing music I create myself but I'm not creating. Inability? Resistance? Still, since it's not happening now and it's taking me a lot of time to figure myself out, I seek employment for after my studies. I have a friend who's really pushing this. I wonder if this is helping me or taking me off track. My guess is, both. I might start leading a hip women's choir that's close to my current music school. I'm going to check them out this weekend and I have a meeting with their chairwomen next week. Also, I spent the whole weekend writing a killer application for another teaching position. My friend's words were: "Girl, you are a dreamer, but once you touch something you really make it shine!" Goddammit I am a dreamer. And I want to make music shine not a fucking job application. Like Leo always says, life is not a sprint. Let's keep chippin' away at it.

At this point, I am starting to behave much more like an asshole than I have for a while. It's more authentic but kinda inept due to the lack of practice. I think I behaved like an asshole with David: It's really petty stuff, like I intentionally didn't wish him a happy birthday via messenger or over the phone plus when he asked me if I wanted to do something together this weekend I first said I couldn't and then changed my mind (because I wanted to talk turkey the sooner the better). I should've remembered a good leader is definite in her decision. He probably knows something is wrong and hasn't answered yet. I wonder if he will. But it's okay: Although I like his humor and intellect as well as I admire his body control, I also authentically think he's a pussy. The only question is... how do I react once I discover that I think such a thing? Next time, let's not opt for passive aggression again, it's lame and unsatisfying for all parties. Hitting the guy straight in the face might to be the next method in line. Congrats in advance to that fella. Maybe someone reading this has more mature ideas and could inspire me. That would be highly appreciated. I passed on an orchestra gig to the next generation. It would have been a fun travel but would've earned me next to nothing. So it wasn't worth it, because it doesn't artistically challenge or delight me. This is mandatory now - either money, joy or self-inquiry. I bought a loop station and I'm totally in love. Although it looks like I've opened Pandora's box there, because now I need a suitable microphone. But ok, I'm gonna go with a really cheap one just to start off experimenting. Can't wait.

When I first listened to Björk in 2015, it was love at first note. It reminded me of the pop songs I playfully produced when I was 18. As I have been struggling with following my own guts instead of practicing like a stupid machine (and self-sabotaging the hell out of that), I haven't really delved into her music and biography... Up until now. This research is blowing me away. As romantic relationships are on my mind, too, I'm delighted with this song and video by HK119 (whom you might call a protégé of Björk's):

OK, congrats to me - I am hereby completing my three-week challenge of posting daily. It was quite valuable and increased my awareness on what I did throughout the day. I don't think I will continue posting in this format though since it's a bit too dry for my taste and I prefer reflecting about developments over longer periods of time. As you can probably guess, I am shaken by what happened yesterday. I overate after the rehearsal and surfed the internet to look at fitness and fashion gurus, then went to bed at 2 am (which is very late for me). Today, I was unable to delay gratification once more, buying and eating tons of heavy foods. This is okay. It's a mechanism that has been repeated many times already. But we're talking about happiness and fulfillment here which I know I will get from the exact opposite behavior, and I quote: I want this vigilance to be a permanent part of my life. Besides the stupid incident with David, the date and sex weren't very good either: David didn't get out of his comfort zone at all and I just let him suck up my energy. If I want to stay authentic to myself, I cannot put effort in this thing anymore. Instead, I will focus on myself by nurturing the female part of myself and giving myself love planning my meals well and overcoming nutritional temptations continuing the search for my life purpose continuing my morning routine upholding my life in the real world I will let you know how it is going. All the best to you.

Yesterday I did improvisational theater for the first time in about 16 years. I loved it because it's all about taking initiative, risks, failing and working with what the others unexpectedly throw at you. 08:00 got up, exercised, washed myself, had sex with David. Unfortunately, the condom broke. 11:00 we got us some breakfast at a bakery and I went to get the pill after. Ovulation might have occurred already so there's no guarantee I'm not pregnant 12:30-1:10 Reconnected with my old oboe. Felt love. 1:45 got my regular instrument fixed 2:15 ate out, then went home 3:30 I was confused and left home an hour too early. 3:45 meditation outside 4:30 had a small piece of cake 5:00 train 6:30-10:00 rehearsal 8:00 dinner

7:25 morning routine 9:20-10:30 multiple passes at a life purpose visualization 10:40 snack Tried to fix my instrument Lunch Date Dinner

6:45 got up, exercised, meditated, had breakfast 8:30 Listened to recordings of yesterday's concert 9:00 life purpose course 10:00 snack 12:15 practice 2:00 lunch 3:15 6 oreo cookies and a snickers 3:45 walk 4:30 rehearsal 8:00 went to listen to a concert 10pm dinner Decided not to go to a party because I prefer my head to be clear right now. Advanced the duo project 11:45 lights out. Good night!

7:22 got up, exercised and stretched, washed myself, meditated, had breakfast 9:30 cleaned my room top to bottom 12:00 grocery shopping 1:30 lunch 3:00 warming up 5:00 rehearsal 6:00 concert 9:00 food + talking to colleagues I tried a new thing today. One can use a peeled cucumber to cleanse one's vagina. It felt incredibly good throughout and after!!

7:13 got up, exercised, washed myself, had breakfast 9-11:15 practice 11:30 slow explorative walk 12 meditated by just looking at one tiny twig of a tree. It was a very interesting experience regarding focus. 12:30 lunch improvisation Watching a lesson, talking to my classmates and helping a younger student with reeds Walking home 4pm snack Personal development 5:30 dinner Washed my hair, took off my underwear. I heard that's great. Sure feels great. I might be going to wear less underwear in the future (and in the summertime). life purpose work Reedmaking

7:03 got up, exercised, washed myself, had breakfast 9-10 practiced 11 healthy snack 11:10-12:10 life purpose course Went for a walk thinking about a new gig that came up. Suddenly the realization kicked in: although I'm already roughly working in the field I wanna work in, my own project has to be started now. Because I will never have more free time than I do now. Now is the time to start. Had lunch 2:30-4:45 trip to a bigger town to get a score I thought I desperately needed to start a new project 5:30 healthy snack Tried to do something with the score I got. Practiced the music. Then I wasn't convinced of it anymore. 7:45 dinner Life purpose course, reedmaking, meditation Finishing the day with a weird gut feeling. Kind of dissatisfied with today's outcome but still happy that I went out of my way to take action when I thought it was necessary.

07:10 got up, exercised (just forgot to type that in yesterday, I did it), washed myself, meditated, had breakfast laundry and cleaning, planning and scheming 12:45 lunch+ with a friend, we had long talks and shared ideas and visions. she helped me so much by her wisdom, experience and point of view about 10 minutes of practice a lot more office and creative work 7 pm had a really great, healthy, beautiful dinner (raaaainbows, butterflies, glitter and ... of course ... because it was dinner .... well .... I'm just going to say it .... UNICORNS!!!!!!! ok, no. it was actually vegan, now that I come to think about it. no unicorns in there. good night everybody.)

7:04 got up, showered, meditated, planned gigs, had breakfast 10:30 had a mole removed Tea and a conversation 1pm practiced 1:45 lunch 2:15-2:45 practiced 3-5 had a lesson 6pm dinner 7:30 practiced 8-10pm taught

7:08 got up, exercised, meditated, had breakfast Was going to go swimming but felt sick. Finished an arrangement instead. 11:30-1pm practice Lunch 2-5 pm spontaneous walk. Questioning beliefs. 5:25-6pm practice Took a bath Self acceptance visualization 10pm dinner

Actually... This might be more like it.