soniadoll_

@FindingPeace Yes, it was anger towards me but you have brought me out of the darkness once again. Thank you for taking the time and helping me understand that boundaries take time to learn and enforce.

@Emerald Wilkins @FindingPeace Man, thank you for replying so quick, I haven't been able to sleep because of the situation that keeps replaying in my mind, and what I could have done differently. I felt like I wanted to speak up but its something I have never done before, so I just kept being polite. Thank you for making me realize that I need to honor my boundaries. I feel a bit of anger and I don't know what to do with this emotion.

Today I had a 38 year old male client who is a friend of my boyfriend's sister wanting a manicure and haircut. I felt very uncomfortable during the manicure service because he started to tell me that he has big feet and that girls also have feet fetishes (I'm sorry for bad grammar) and asked me if I have a feet fetish, or anything weird that I'm into. I kept calm during the entire process because I tried to stay in reality and focus on the process. I have been judging and criticizing this man whom I have met before and had a previous uncomfortable situation happen. I take responsibility for agreeing to cut his hair, but I want to know how should I feel about this. Is intuition the same thing as judgement? Ugh, sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel so underdeveloped and even dumb for asking these kinds of questions that people wouldn't even give a second thought too. Thanks for taking the time.

@MIA.RIVEL Thank you so much! I am so exited because I know now that anything is possible and I feel so blessed to have you and others on this forum that help me think outside the box I've put myself in. I love you all so much.

@Orange Thank you so much for your reply. I was feeling overwhelmed because I felt like my post didn't explain how I feel and I couldn't edit it the right way either. I'm so exited to let go of all the baggage. Honestly, with just with your words, I feel so much better and I see now how I can do anything, there really is no limitation. Honestly, I am so annoyed of this whole past relationship story on repeat in my mind. Its held me back so much, I'm so ready to toss that luggage out once and for all, and thank you for reminding me that I have that choice. Thank you so much.

I am starting to feel a conflict in deciding my career path. After going through an abusive relationship I had the mindset of wanting to help women in need by working in the hairstyling industry. Now that I am close to finishing with my cosmetology schooling, I'm starting to realize hidden passion for wanting to work on men's haircuts more than women. The thought of wanting to cut men's hair was never something I had considered as an option because I thought that all men were my abuser in some way, if that makes any sense. This is something hard for me to accept that my reasons for going to school is now suddenly changing. I worry that I am loosing focus on what I wanted to do at one point in my life, but now I question myself, is that something you want to do? Why am I limiting myself to only women clients, because of fear of men? I feel almost pressured sometimes by my own thoughts telling me that I should only focus on one thing. I'm sure all of this sounds so silly, and petty but I'd really appreciate a different point of view.

@FindingPeace I feel like my monkey mind has finally blown up on me after years of pretending that what occurred wasn't real. I definitely accommodated my lifestyle to make sure my past wouldn't come up on a daily basis by avoiding interaction with anything and anyone. Now I can laugh at my way of strategizing, but at the time I felt like I was just trying to survive. I've realized now that what I thought was helping me, was actually hurting me. You are right, all I got is the present moment. There are moments of frustration and wanting love and understanding, I want to tell people my pain and tell them hey I am learning to live again, please don't judge me. Like I want to apologize for everything all the time, and I crave forgiveness. There are times when I want to open up to people but them I get scared of sharing too much or just judgement. Wow, I see now that I have constructed my own sufferings. Thank you so much for all the advice. I realize now that unconditional love is something achievable.

@Salaam Thank you. Everything you said really hit me hard especially the predatory glances. There is definitely some good days and then some really bad days and on the bad days I will beat myself up and tell myself this isn't real pain, you can't keep crying over this, nobody cares, people have gone through worse, etc. I hope that slowly I will be able to stop portraying my past through such a negative point of view. Thank you for sharing your wife's story, I am hopeful one day I will too grow strong and help those in need.

how do you disassociate with your self image? or accept it? After traumatic sexual abuse I feel very self conscious of my body and at times have a battle with wanting to look cute but then fear the attention that I will receive. I fear sexual abuse reoccurring again, and I even feel fear towards men in general. I don't want my past from holding me back in loving myself or living a normal life and need a new outlook on how to reframe my thoughts. Thank you all in advance.

I'm probably in a low self conscious state of mind but I get this feeling of sadness when I see loved ones struggling. I have always been overly sensitive and sometimes I feel like its preventing me from looking within. I find this as a negative trait but can this possibly be very beneficial and how can I use it for beneficial or more positive purposes?

@charlie2dogs thank you.

I've been moralizing my entire life and have constantly told myself that I should stop talking when I do talk. Since watching various videos I am still afraid of speaking. I know this takes time but in my head I justify not allowing myself to talk because I think it will lead to building of the ego, and I want to be able to turn that around. I want to know the difference between sharing your accomplishments, your failures, your thoughts without building my ego. Just pure communication with someone else, no ego.