Shir

Hey Everyone ! First off, I would like to give my thanks to anyone and everyone reading this right now. It means the world to me ! And I would like to give thanks to the existence of this forum, Thanks to Leo Gura. I've written quite a few posts in the pasts, especially about my Depression and different aspects to it, however I felt the deep need to write another question right now as it has been sitting on my soul in such a hard and heavy way. I think the topic of "relationships" (romantic relationships) to be exact, are something that is just a part of life and I didn't want to ignore my feelings on it and as a response, would rather let people hear me out and listen to anything you might offer. I sadly have yet to really, really see anyone share such feelings as I do (about the topic) and so feel it's important to bring it up - at LEAST to see how alone I am on this tbh. So long story short - I've been feeling deep, sad and heavy feelings about the whole topic of Romantic Relationships for the pasts 2 plus months or so. It probably doesn't seem like such a big deal to a lot of people, but since it's been weighing long and heavy on my heart, for a long while and literally on a daily basis (actually at times even keeping me up at night) - I thought it was best to share and hope for the best. For reference sake, I'm a Lady in her mid 20's, a virgin and literally never been in a relationship...ever. Never even kissed or gotten kissed, never been on a date (never gotten asked) and never even held hands with a guy, much less gotten the pleasure of hugging a man no longer than a few seconds. Sad, I know. I used to REALLY take this to heart, the fact that I haven't experienced any of this, especially being almost 26 now. I used to cry in high school about it, later on in the Military and being at University and still now even having not experienced what's it like to even go on a date. The very thought used to get me all giddy when I was younger (dating ect). I HAVE been in love, very much so, in the past and it always happens with people who I just didn't get the pleasure of meeting. You could say that it was a "long distance relationship" that just never got to fruition, sadly. He was my very first love and I'm pretty sure I still love him deeply till this very day. It was in my Early 20's till about hmm age 23 (had feelings for him for literally 10 years). Anyways, he dumped me even though I loved him more than anything and my feelings never wavered. I had a similar case a year after, fell in love and gotten dumped the same way. I was truly heartbroken. And today, I feel in love as well but...it's the case where you just love the wrong person in the wrong time as well. I fell in love with my male Therapist *sigh*. It's tough because you cannot shake it off and yet you don't want to. Luckily enough I tried to share it with him and although I didn't say it in these exact words (I love you/feel in love with you/have feelings for you) - Although it was so incredibly embarrassing, I think he got the gist of it and was extremely compassionate and gentle about it and said how common and that it happens to the best of us, in a relationship with a male Therapist/someone of the opposite sex. So yeah... The deep and painful feelings I have towards the idea of Romantic Relationships today are - What's the point? Why bother? it seems like a carefree thing to say but it truly breaks my heart to feel this way. You have NO idea. I was ALWAYS the girl who fully believed in love, the happy fairy tale, the prince, the good guy who just loved you for who you are. EVEN after I got my heart broken, by said first and 2nd guy...I swear I didn't stop believing in Love in general, at the very least for everyone else. But now? Something about it makes me recoil, the very thought of even laying down next to the "love of my life" makes me recoil. Hypothetically, I feel like even if that were to happen, I just feel like I'd laying down on my side, away from him, with my eyes open in the dark - feeling so incredibly alone in the entire universe and so incredibly depressed and sad. Like Love cannot even save me at this point. I keep thinking how we're all in this rat race to find love...have sex...be with someone...what have you. I now look at it from the side in almost disgust, disappointment and literally have a very deep existential crises about it ! Like seriously, what's the point of relationships? Apart from the Psychological aspect it serves (getting your emotional needs met ect), The Physical aspect of it - sex, children and child care...I feel like that's it and it just pains my heart to feel that way because I was always such a spiritual person and have for YEARS believed in soul mates, soul ties, eternal love, souls ect...it all made so much sense to me and gave me such purpose in general because I thought it was so beautiful and literally felt that with the first man (even though we never met, please don't laugh). But today...even that has gone in my heart. And now? I just...cannot even imagine ever being in a relationship. It almost disgusts me and gives me this deep anxiety/dread. I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA why it's even so ! Because can you imagine how odd this is? I KNOW I'm not an asexual (actually a heterosexual Lady - have always been sexually attracted to men!) and I'm sure I'm not a aromantic cause I never felt that way and was shocked to even know of the term in general (not shaming, just saying). And, I know I have the capacity to fall in love cause look - it happened and is also "happening" now (even though my heart is of course broken because it's unrequited love and as everyone knows, that's hard enough). Especially since it's falling in love with an actual person, face to face, and NOT what I had so far (falling in love with people that terminate things before we even have the chance to actually meet in person). It's just that...dealing with MDD (Major Depression Disorder/Clinical Depression) is hard enough. It's hard enough that I'm stubborn and won't take any anti-depressants, it's hard enough dealing with suicidal thoughts that literally last for 3 weeks straight at time...this awful feeling at the pit of my stomach, feeling like "what's the point of relationships anyway" is like a huge blow to my heart because, what's left anyway? What do I have to look forward to, you know? I've isolated myself from my friends (lost interest in a social life, it doesn't give me pleasure anymore) and University life is tough enough and one can only stand so much of it without wanting to kill yourself *sigh*. So yeah... I just want to stress that this isn't me saying "ew, man are dumb/disgusting" or me suggesting ANYTHING along those lines, even not from heartbreak. This isn't even me saying that Love doesn't exist, that it isn't beautiful and special and unique and divine (I see the authenticity of it in couples all the time). This is literally just a cry for help in dealing with my existential crises about the whole topic of Romantic Relationships in general. Something about it is just breaking me deep down in my soul as I keep having these "what's the point even" thoughts that arise, and feelings about relationships. The sad thing is, I realize these deep and painful feelings are starting to bleed into other area's about life...like the thought of children. I don't have any and have always thought I do want babies, I guess? but me not believing in relationships anymore and not seeing any point to them...well then there's no babies for me. I don't want to be a single Mother and have no interest using the sperm bank either. That has ALSO weighed on me because I have always wanted kids after marriage in general. Now? Something about even having kids makes me nauseous deep down in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'd go into a break down or a panic attack or what have you. Crazy right? Thank you so much for reading everything - I would appreciate your thoughts ! I'm sorry this was so so so long but I couldn't hold it in any longer

I fully realize that there's absolutely nothing wrong about being honest, especially with people you love and are close to (like you mentioned, family and your partner). However, I want to say that at the end of the day...we have to remember that you're dealing with people. You're talking to souls too. Ego might get in the way and they may get angry or worse, heart and heartbroken deep down. I'm not saying to stop being honest all together but you gotta choose your words carefully and be more compassionate in my opinion. Sometimes people need the brutal truth, but there's a time and place for it to be said in the most humane and compassionate way as well. You don't want to hurt anyone so bad that they're up at 4 am, thinking about their broken heart that was caused by your brutal words. Just saying. It happens and I bet you're fine but just throwing in my 2 cents !

Hello Everyone ! I've posted a few topics regarding my personal Depression Journey, and I apologize in advance if it's too boring to post another one right now, but I feel the need to ask this question. I've been suffering with MDD (Major Depression Disorder) for a good while now, and have recently found out via Therapy that I've had depression for YEARS before even realizing the fact (for example, I thought it started right before Uni, but apparently it's been there for years beforehand). And for reference sake, not medicated. My suicidal feelings and thoughts come and go, and I've had a period of recently feeling them literally every single day for the span of 3 weeks straight, take out a day or two. Then it stopped as I was approaching a new semester in University right now, and instead I just feel...numb. Emotionally. I've been trying to get better, somehow...at least by trying to be a better student but, I've realized the past day or so how I've been having these "What's the point?" thoughts that arise. The thing is, it's more so about school and a love life. I feel like I have found a future niche in regards to my career path (Trying to become a Clinical Social Worker) however, given my situation and the University I am in, it looks like I'll ONLY get to finish my B.A in another 4 years or so (only if things work out - been studying already for 2 years, so basically 6 years in total). And, a Masters is another 3 years, so I feel like I'll be "wasting" all of my 20's and early 30's literally just...studying. It bothers me deeply because school is hard as it is already, and the thought of literally doing this another 4 years just...brings within me feelings of dread and deep despair. I feel like, apart from school I'm missing a love life that I've never really had. 25, virgin, never had a bf. I've actually come to terms with this and feel alright being single, but when I think of marriage I get thoughts and feelings of "what's the point even?"...it really makes me sad as I was always such a hopeless romantic and now feel like I lack this emotional connection with the whole aspect of falling in love again, being in a relationship and eventually getting married. It's like I really do GET IT. I get the whole social-technical aspect of being in love, being in a relationship and getting married (I REALLY wanted that myself! all my life!) but now? I'm just...I feel like what's the point really, you know? And, I'm a very deeply spiritual person, so this heartbreak of not feeling this emotional connection with the thought of being in a relationship (in general), really brings me down. Because, when I think about it - it's like what DO I have to look forward to? studies and a career...and that's it? I hope, somehow that my pain is managing to reflect in between my words because I swear I have always felt like I'd literally be the last person on Earth to feel like "What's the point even" about love/relationships/marriage. And, to make matters "worse", I feel deep down that school is really difficult as it is, that I don't think I'd EVER manage to have or at least keep a relationship during school...so it's like, wow I cannot even have a bf even if I wanted to, for literally another 7 years. To be honest? I have no idea how to overcome this, or what to make of this... I would appreciate and love to hear your thoughts ! Thank you kindly. <3

Hello Everyone, First off, thank you to any and all kind souls reading this right now. I would gladly appreciate your thoughts on my situation, no matter how short or long. Please comment if you can because I think I'm at my wits end, to be honest. I just have no idea what to do anymore. I don't want to make this too long, but for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's (25 basically), single, a virgin, been suffering from Depression for years now. Been in Therapy for literally the past 6 months, have chosen to NOT medicate myself (despite being asked to many times - and never had been before), been dealing with very strong feelings and emotions of suicidal thoughts. Especially the past 2 weeks (have been suicidal in general for about 4+ years). I consider myself Spiritual, not religious. I feel like I honestly have no emotional support system, other than from my own Therapist. As a Psychology student actually studying the topic of abnormal psychology recently, I had the chance to further understand where I stand in regards to my depression. I basically found out that I suffer from MDD (Major Depression Disorder) and thankfully, my Therapist said so himself on our last session (about time tbh, was a relief). He was always against labels, so hearing him confirm this was a major breakthrough for me. I have gotten to a point where, I feel like I don't care anymore. In the most neutral yet sad sense of the word. I feel like I don't care anymore about school (University/my education), about a career, about a job, about having a relationship (never had a real one), about having kids, about having a social life (have been lonely for months and lost all the love or pleasure I had in going out with my gf's, literally does nothing for me anymore). I have no motivation anymore and I don't know what to do really. My Therapist advised to me to take responsibility of my life, which I respect and understand. I feel like I know what I SHOULD do, but I just don't really care deep down when I really think about it. It's gotten so bad at times that I'm literally just laying in bed in this emotional pain that feels like white noise in my soul...like I cannot even feel my emotions anymore, I cannot even FEEL MYSELF. I just lay there, not being able to even cry or open my mouth to speak or even drink water (despite being SO thirsty). I feel like I'm losing my humanity and everything that made me...me. I feel like I had such BIG dreams about becoming a Clinical Psychologist and despite that never going to come true, I settled with wanting to become a Therapist instead. I feel like THAT sustained me for a long while, having such dreams...and yet I feel like everything fell apart. Like, no matter how big or how passionate I am about my dream, it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I can still appreciate the beauty in my dreams but feel like I'll never get there because I don't care anymore, or enough... about anything. My Therapist even told me in my last session that "you're born alone, you die alone, and everything in between...even if you're in a relationship, you're actually alone. Even if you have kids, they'll grow up and you're alone again". I was very taken aback by this but ultimately understand and believe him. I broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying, saying how could he say such things to someone who is suicidal, but he said this is the truth of life, sadly. I feel like I have so much potential to do good in school and become an awesome, professional and loving Therapist that truly cares about her job and clients and ultimately to help people in need. I feel like I had such potential to be a soul loving partner and fall in love with a possible soul mate. I feel like I had such such potential to be a Mother too. I feel more than heartbroken by all this, I feel heartbroken to my very soul. To the core of who I really am. Like such a failure in life. I have no idea what to do, I feel so empty and like there is NO solution for me. I refuse to take medication as I believe that even though it MIGHT help me function better, I still believe in my heart of heart's that it won't help with my "I don't care" problem, because let's face it - even if my concentration is better, the fact that I DON'T care, just means that I won't get things done anyway. That's at least how I feel and truly believe. It's born out of me knowing myself enough. My Therapist suggested that, me feeling like I don't care...might be born out of a sadness at the realization that no one can save me. Not my family, not the men I fell in love with, not even him as my Therapist (all his words). I think that's TRUE and I agree with him...but wonder if there might be more than that. I just WISH I could convey how deeply in despair I am by all this. No matter what I do, my heart isn't here. I keep on feeling like suicide is all I have left, in a sense. I cannot study, I don't care about everything which breaks my heart. I have absolutely no idea what the solution is and feel like there is NO solution for me at all. In all honestly, I don't know what to do anymore...even my Therapist told me that he thinks that this is bigger than I, bigger than him and talk therapy. He suggested I take medication but I refuse, like I said. I ask, with all kindness and humility, to please tell me what you think I should do...

@Nahm Oh ! I'm so sorry that you went through all this as well I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts though ! It helps in feeling less alone for sure... You're right, I should take better measures to eat healthier and exersice and start trying to think more positively (I'll check Abe Hicks thanks to you!). Thank you so much for the insights <3

@Privet Hey there ! To be honest? That's actually a really, really good question. You made me think about it, much more than me just giving you a straight response. Essentially I THINK I do care about recovering from MDD but my heart is heavy and feels like I might never. Like there's no hope for me. Maybe this lack of hope has led me to feel like I don't care enough about recovering from MDD? Because I know what I SHOULD be doing in my daily life as a student (for example, study A,B,C ect...) yet don't do anything or feel the desire too (don't care anymore" like everything has lost it's luster and all I keep feeling is "what's the point even?"...*sigh* I hope this might let you see my situation cause I'm so lost

@Berjohansen Hey there ! My apologies for the late reply <3 I wanted to say thank you so much for reaching out and taking the time to write your thoughts about my situation, I really appreciate it. You're right, I'm pretty sure a new Therapist might do wonders, but unfortunately I cannot afford another new one at this moment in time and so I'm trying to stay grateful and thankful in the program I am in currently, with my Therapist. I realize that medication MIGHT help me, but deep down in my heart I just know it won't help enough (like it might give me the boost of energy that I need but at the end of the day I don't care deep down so how am I supposed to do everything, you see my struggle?). I will look into mood stabilizers though, thank you ! First time I've heard of this tbh, sounds really interesting ! Btw thank you SO much for your loving words, they really honestly and sincerely warmed my heart, You're right - we really are all ONE. Sending you much Love & Light back !

@Speedscarlet Hey There ! Thank you for your suggestion. I'll be sure to check out her work ! I appreciate it. I'm curious to see how this might help me and so I will try to be active and actually look things through yes

Okay so...pretty much on a roll here, since my previous question already had a certain element with said "Therapist" lol. BTW - for reference sake, I'm a 25 year old young lady, a virgin, been in therapy for the sake of treating my depression and suicidal thoughts. This may seem incredibly silly but I feel a very strong need to write this out and ask for your thoughts. At least for the sake of letting this go into the universe. I know this might seem cliche but I feel like I'm falling in love with my Therapist and I've HEARD this is a thing and isn't too odd and I know how to act and be and would never do anything that would go against the whole ethical realm of Therapist-Patient. I just feel this heartbreak because of it all tbh. I've been in Therapy for about hmm..literally almost 6 months now, with the same male Therapist. I won't lie, it's not been easy and I've had my fair share of let downs and hate-love relationship with him, due to me feeling like he wasn't being professional enough with me and everything in between...BUT ever since I pressed to change the day and time of our weekly meetings (literally middle of the week instead of it being on a Sunday and an hour later than usual) - it's like he's a WHOLE new man ! He's suddenly so attentive, professional and quite literally attractive in every way. I knew I was immediately physically attracted to him once I first met him (I didn't know what Therapist I'd get tbh), but at this point I feel like I'm falling in love more and more. I always try my best to speak professionally and honestly and never flirt or anything (I wish), I think my therapy session today was just really better than usual and he kept saying how he wanted to connect with me and I think deep down I swooned too much. It sounds silly but I find myself dolling up before out sessions too. As if I'd be going on a date lol (never been on a date). It just really sunk in today because I feel in love with him and heartbroken to the fact that it's so hard to imagine ever finding a man like him. Someone who I feel like actually cares about me and my feelings (quite literally), who really understands what I'm feeling and going through and knows every little dark detail to my being, and with me being attracted to him in every way as I do. I think me knowing he's taken + feeling heartbroken that I'd probably never be able to find a guy like him...has probably led me to feel this type of heartbreak right now. And to make matters worse, I've never been in a real relationship even though I've been in love. I know HE'S not perfect nor is everyone really but he sure as hell seems close enough ! I think he's created this male proto-type of a partner that seems so high...I have no idea how I'd be able to find a guy like him. Oh and he's older than I by literally 18 years ! I had no idea until today when he suddenly told me (he literally looks 35 at most tbh). I was pretty shocked ! Like I said, I know I'd never over step my grounds or do anything inappropriate. I'm not saying there aren't great men out there in the world, it's just literally so hard to believe I'd ever find someone like him, let alone where I live where I feel all the men are pretty much sub-par. Sorry but that's how I feel. I'm not sure how to handle this whole in-love-yet-heartbroken-over-him issue, given the fact that I'd probably be too embarrassed to even bring it up, sadly. Would love to hear your thoughts...please no ridicule though.

@Spiral I wish I could but I feel sooo embarrassed about it tbh. Like about to cry-my-eyes-out-in-front-of-him embarrassed, just talking about how I feel of him. But, I totally get that that's an option ! sadly I am in no position to change a therapist and tbh it's okay I've gotten used to him and I'd miss him haha

@Barbarian Number 8 That's the thing though...he isn't being paid not saying it's my "fault", it's the system. But hey, I'm not complaining about my "mental-hooker" haha...funny one ! Just kidding, I wanted to clarify this. Not paying him. Everything is very much official and legit though. I agree with the 2nd part though yeah

@LaucherJunge I wanted to say to there is some very valuable truth in what you shared. I find that hope makes me suffer as well in some capacity...like getting my heart broken by two men who I was (and still am) really in love with, yet feeling heartbroken still because of a hope that they'd love me and want me again. I can imagine it's why I've had such a hard time letting go !

@billiesimon Hey There ! I know you asked for men to answer you more so than a woman but I just wanted to interject and say that I personally would REALLY adore a man who can be as affectionate as you seem to be, physically (I'm sure in turn you are emotionally as well, of course). As someone who has never had a relationship (sadly), I just feel like us women usually know what we might want in a partner. I know I would adore, appreciate and love a partner who can be AS physically affectionate as you are, and so would like to encourage you to keep being yourself. Please don't change out of fear and worry, especially when it has to do with such a positive and loving space such as physical affection. Much luck ~ !

@Epiphany_Inspired Hey There ! I wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts about my situations <3 I really appreciate it ! Haha if only I didn't fret right...literally me everyday lol. I love the way you phrased the rest, so beautiful ! (...you just need to have the courage to step off that cliff of fear - you will find firm fluffy clouds actually catch your every step). Oh and about what you said - I think, speaking for me personally, the marriage thing is BOTH a value and a fear. Simply, saving sex for marriage is both a value I think I want to hold (for the beauty of it) and a fear because I'm scared of getting abandoned or used sexually. I fully understand that talking might seem insufficient in order to determine chemistry and I think you may be right and maybe I'm in denial lol. and you're right...I wish I could step closer into getting to feel intimacy through cuddling and holding hands ect ! <3

Hey Everyone ! <3 Long story short, I've been in therapy for a good while now (almost 6 months) for depression (imo, Major Depression to be exact) which included dealing with almost daily suicidal thoughts and a huge lack of motivation. I'm not on medication and refuse to take any. The thing is, as time has gone by, I realize a significant chunk of why I might be suffering from depression, has to do with the love life/relationship aspect of my life. For reference, I'm a 25 year old young lady that's heterosexual, with I would say a high sex drive, technically a virgin and I've never had a bf nor a relationship for that matter, I'm against hook ups and casual relationships. To make matters "worse" I've never even been kissed or been on a date (neither asked out). It's just gotten to a point in my life that I have honestly been so used to being single for literally all my life that, the possibly of having a relationship seems pretty slim to me. The thing I wanted to address was my recent session, which sadly still shakes me up till now. I'm someone who ISN'T religious but spiritual. That being said, I seem to have adopted a more religious-romantic approach to sex and feel like the best thing for ME is to save sex for marriage. I fully realize that some ppl think it may be the dumbest thing ever, but I believe it can work as LONG as both parties are very, very honest with each other and have great communication skills and aren't afraid to talk about the really important issues like sexual chemist, desires, fetishes, turn on's ect..I know for a fact that I can do that and be honest. Anyways, MY reasons for wanting to save sex for marriage; 1) I think it's romantic. I really, really do. 2) If it can benefit the religious aspect by default, why not? 3) I'd know the person I'm in love with wants to marry me for ME and feels serious enough about me, including commitment. 4) Extremely paranoid of being used for sex or having a relationship where sex was involved and I get dumped for what ever reason. I feel in my heart of hearts that such a situation would crush me (no matter how fair or not) because I hold physical intimacy to the highest level possible. 5) I take the idea of marriage really seriously and would never get married just to "have sex already". 6) Thanks to my therapist, I have realized that a major reason why I take the topic of Physical intimacy so deeply is that I'm someone who has absolutely NO problem with being and showing a lot of emotional intimacy, but since I'm "really good at that", the cost of anything hindering the physical intimacy might feel detrimental to my well being. Okay, once we've gotten those, I just wanted to add that honestly? I feel like no one really wants me or is attracted to me in my day to day life. And so I literally never get approached. I do my best to dress up and take care of myself and practice good hygiene and always be extremely polite and friendly with anyone that meets me. That being said, I do my part to show interest if that even happens and tbh the guy is always either taken or of the wrong sexual attraction to my own (wouldn't have known). The funny part is? when ppl get to know me online, I feel like ppl fall in love with my personality and seem attracted to me so I honestly don't know what the deal really is. I know I'm not perfect and never will be, and that I have a lot of things to work on that I'm insecure about (like my weight ect) but getting to a point in my life where literally no one bothers with me...well you can imagine that you start to think well hey, what's wrong with me? Anyways, what happened in my session was that I addressed ALL of this to my therapist and he started being candid with me "as a man", as he said. He quite literally implied that I'm absurd for wanted to wait till marriage for sex and that it's pretty much ridiculous considering I'm not even religious and that no guy will ever want to put up with me because "I have to take their needs up too". I was pretty shocked yet not too surprised to hear all this. The problem is, I WISH I had the chance to date someone that has very similar if not identical values of saving sex for marriage HOWEVER the reason that it's so hard, where I live (not from the US), is because ppl who are religious - want religious partners. The rest? secular ppl want someone who is willing to give out and have sex. So, as you can imagine, I'm quite literally stuck and don't belong anywhere. My therapist said I should pretty much "bend" and basically have sex before marriage, not too soon into a relationship, yet not wait so much either. It just hurts to hear because, I feel like why do I always have to be the one to bend and be considerate all the time? Why is it SO wrong for a guy to be considerate to what I need in this case? he basically made me feel like, just because I'm secular that it's without question that I'll have to bend into a guys needs in the end...but if I was religious, I wouldn't. I think that some straight up bullshit. With everything said, I'm fully aware to the nature of men and honestly realize how important and vital the physical aspect of a relationship is to men, I just feel like me being so aware to it yet knowing what I need and want (saving sex for marriage)...you can imagine the huge conflict born out of this struggle. That being said, it still breaks my heart that I'd have to "give in" like my therapist said. It doesn't feel like me at all and causes my a lot of anxiety. I am by NO means a snobbish person nor a stuck up person, I just feel like saving sex for marriage is the best thing I can do for myself for so many reasons. I know I mentioned that I'm suffering from depression and that this has given me a lot of pain, it just that it hurts to feel like you have no place in the world. I would appreciate your thoughts and hope you understand my situation. I just feel like you need to live where I do to get a holistic sense of the whole "secular-religious" aspect to my problem in regards to potential partners but hopefully I did my best to convey my anguish of the situation. Any advise and thoughts would be Highly appreciated !!! <333

@Key Elements Hey There ! I wanted to say thank you for your thoughts on my situation, I really appreciate it ! <3 You're right, I'm not technically looking for an asexual guy. I think it would be unfair of me too, in a sense So I fully agree with you, it would be amazing to find a guy that matches my values yes. I think though that asexuals can technically have the same "values" but for other reasons than me of course. But that thing is, I don't think it would be fair of me to date one because I personally would like to be lusted after and desired; basically would like a partner who is sexually attracted to me, as I would be to him ! haha. I've just lived all my life being sexually attracted to men and so I would think it would be unfair of me to "be with" an asexual and "use him" to satisfy my need to have my value respected, by default - by them. If that makes sense? I'm rambling... You've made some serious and really important points ! I really have to look into marriage more, especially because I'm not feeling ready to get married anytime soon. It seems silly to say but I kinda feel like a teenager in some ways...never been on a date, never kissed before...I would like to experience these things first haha. I think I really would need an open-minded guy at the end of the day as well, exactly as you mentioned...who can go spiritually with me. That would be an absolute dream tbh ! <3

@Aquarius Thank you for your thoughts on my situation ! I really appreciate it <3 You're right though, I think it's my fault because perhaps I didn't convey it enough in my original post but my willing to save sex till marriage is also based on a few fears. I think pregnancy is a legitimate part of it, if not the main (you can say I'm not against abortion). I think my other fears have to do with being used for sex or getting dumped after sex. Body image issues too. I totally get you though, around the fear of getting pregnant...we ladies deal with so much tbh ! And you're right haha...I REALLY do need intimate sex ^^" like years ago lol. But, you hit the nail on the head for sure !!! I think I would like to clarify though that as much as I respect and appreciate the asexual community - I'm not looking for an asexual man Not to say there's anything wrong with them, it's just that in my heart of hearts - I would rather have a man who is sexually attracted to me and that lusts over me, the same if not more that I lust over him. I just feel like I need that in my life, because I'm a sensual woman that would be attacked to him and vice versa...again I swear it's not me dissing the community at all haha (I even have a close lady friend who is asexual AND aromantic so I know the basis of how they feel). I'm sure asexual men are VERY cool people and tbh? The thought DID cross my mind to date one...but I think I need a man who would be sexually attracted to me and desire me at the end of the day (of course, as I would him too). That being said, I fully appreciate the advice ! and, I'm sure if I dated such a man that HE would fully be able to respect my values...easily too. Maybe I'm being too picky?! BTW - You've made me realize that I must have taken to heart too much of what my Therapist said, you're right ! I now realize he didn't really mean any harm and that he was just trying to help

@Spiral Aweee thank you ! I really appreciate it and wanted to give thanks for sharing your thoughts on my situation and question <3 I know exactly what you mean. I've had feelings for men before (literally happened online, we planned to meet up but sadly things didn't go well and both men broke up with me even though I was the one willing to fight for them and the love that remained) and I know these feelings have naturally led me to desire to sleep with them as well...so it really is hard to resist yes. I think though that if I met the love of my love, I have no problem not having sex during the relationship part. I feel like if it's the right man for me, why not wait? not because I want to of course, but it would have to be a mutual decision I realize - at the end of the day. That being said you're right, it seems like "realistically" speaking, I'd have to find a religious guy that would be willing to honor such values, simply because he himself shares the same probably. Oh and wait...a stronger connection due to neither of us having orgasms?! oh my you confused me haha...I'm sure you meant that shared orgasms would build a stronger connection. true !

@Key Elements Hey There ! First off, I wanted to thank you for your thoughts, I really appreciate it ! I totally agree that such men are really rare in the world, it seems even more so where I live with the whole secular-religious divide and me literally belonging to the prior but at the same time holding values belonging to the last. So as you can imagine, I'm pretty much sitting on the fence, looking at both yet belonging to neither at the same time...at least that's how I personally feel. I feel like I really, really know my life purpose and passion (becoming a Clinical Psychologist/Therapist - helping people out) and know exactly who I'd want to be. I realize depression has been, for the longest time, keeping and holding me back from living my potential to even get close to these goals and to honest I do feel quite hopeless as it is but I completely agree that working on myself would be the best thing I can do for ME at this time. You've made me realize something really important though that I never thought I'd need or would ask the universe for - but the possibility of dating a man who is as spiritual as me deep down (doesn't even have to be religious at all at that) would be wonderful. Maybe that's what I'm lacking haha. You're right though, sadly...no one really has an answer to my questions and I think the growing pains of fully realizing that, has sunken in the last few weeks, especially with me feeling more suicidal but that's okay. I loved the way with which you defined the essence of marriage so thank you and true, real love wouldn't give up that easily when challenges come !

@LaucherJunge Hey there ! I just wanted to say that I don't think you're insane at all, I think you have fairy tale standards that sadly I have as well lol, in this society in this given age in time. If it means absolutely anything to you, you're not alone. I wouldn't say I'm the "female version" to your situation or question but rather a different version of it, per se. For example, I'm 25 and a virgin (literally never had sex, not been kissed or even asked out, nor held hands with a guy and sadly no one seems to bother with me in my day to day life no matter the many efforts I try and take). To make matters "worse", I feel like I could never have sex with anyone unless they're the love of my life and as time has gone by, I made it even more "strict" by "saying" that not only would they have to be the love of my life but that I want to save sex for marriage. I'm not even religious !!! (just spiritual). As you can imagine, probably any sane guy who isn't religious doesn't "want" this type of commitment and the religious men wouldn't want me as I'm not religious. So, I'm stuck. Believe me this has caused a lot of anguish and fueled my depression pretty much easily. So for me it's depression and for you it's "feeling insane". But, I'm just saying all this as a possible close-but-not female version to your situation...I hope it helps in any way possible.

@Psyche_92 This was honestly such a beautiful way to describe it. I'm a girl going through the pain of a breakup 2 years ago too and this was really healing to read. Thank you !

Okay this terrifies me because as a woman I think we should all have great hygiene lol. I cringed at this situation but hopefully she took it well...I know I'm just a virgin but hey when I shower or clean myself, you best believe it's done so pristine to the point as if prince charming himself is already there right after my shower lol.

Hey everyone ! and to any kind souls reading this right now... Before I write anything right now, I would like to thank Leo and the existence of this forum, as I believe and am sure it has helped many people along the way. I pray this might help me to too and truth me told, the only reason I thought of writing this post today was out of pure inspiration and insight, remembering the existence of this forum! To try and keep things as concise as I can, and for reference sake - I'm a lady in her mid 20's, been suffering from Depression for what feels like years now (have been diagnosed with it twice by 2 different ppl in the past year, however they didn't care to define the type and as a Psychology student I Feel like I have Major Depression) and as time has gone by, I started to realize that it has started long before I've started University (2 years ago now). Actually, I think I've had small bouts of depression in the very, very last few months as a senior in High School, and then later on in quite a few incidents during the time I served in the Military (due to suicidal thoughts mainly and deep emotional suffering and abuse). I am currently IN therapy (finished my 18th session thus far), have been asked to go on antidepressants but am not willing to do soas I do not believe I want to put it in my own body (same stance I have against wanting to use the pill for contraceptive reasons for myself, personally speaking). So basically, I take no medication for my depression and only "rely" on therapy, which tbh has not been going as well as I had hoped it would. If it means anything, I'm deeply Spiritual but not religious. Long story short, I've been suffering with a LOT of suicidal thoughts. They are nothing gruesome in nature ("how I would like to kill myself") but rather are born out of a deep, deep sadness and loss of motivation in life. I keep thinking how I feel like I have no place in the world and how easily I would let myself let go of all my dreams, the possibility of a career, a social life, literally friends, a decent job, a partner/husband (I'm single) and kids and so forth...when it gets really bad, I realize I do not care for anything I have thus mentioned. What really, really deeply bothers me and is a source of great pain and frustration in my life and has been for the longest time right now, is the issue of me feeling like "I don't care anymore". Nothing seems to matter anymore. It has ruined 2 relationships of which made the men involved literally break up/dump me/give up on me. It has cost me my potential in school and in my career choices, it has isolated me from friends and literally killed any hope I have for myself and my future. The point of the matter is that...words do NOT do it justice when I simply say "I don't care". It sadly makes them seem like I'm "bratty" and "annoyed" and that's not really the point I want to come across when I say that I feel like "I don't care". What I really want to convey on those words are my deep pain of hopelessness. I truly feel like there is NO cure for me. There is no pill I can take to give me back the motivation I so desperately need. I feel like I have so so much potential in school, as a partner, as a future wife, as a mother...I feel robbed of everything with these deep rooted pain of how everything doesn't matter anymore and that I simply "do not care" It has gotten so bad that I literally feel, deep down in my heart and soul, that there is no medication for me that can "fix this". Like there are absolutely no words my therapist or a therapist can tell me, in order to "fix" me and this problem. I am deeply anguished and have absolutely no idea where to look or find my solution. *To be honest, I feel like my therapist is really shitty and hasn't helped too much but that's besides the point. I know other ppl might be going through similar things and it truly breaks my heart, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I am faced with courses upon courses with University right and as I look at everything...I realize deep down that I do not care anymore. I really, really don't. And, I know you must be asking yourself that I should probably just switch majors and find something I'm passionate about and stick to that, but the truth is that I AM technically already "studying" my dream major, Psychology. Which breaks my heart even more because hey, I'm studying my dream major and feel like I cannot possibly really be good at anything else...so what's really left for me? How can one be so suicidal and could care less if they're already studying something that was their dream from the very start? I'm just tying to give out examples for my current situation, which I hope helps gives the bigger picture right now. As for a love life, I was literally dumped 3 times in the span of 5 months, by the SAME guy who I thought loved me (dating for 9 months, and prior to that was dumped by someone whom I had been loving for 10 years) You can imagine the amount of pain and the toll that took on me. And to be honest, it has made me want to swear off relationships in general. It made me see how depression destroyed not just me but a future of ever being with someone, whilst still suffering from depression myself. My parents do not really understand the depth of my pain, no matter how I try to explain it. I do not feel the need or want to hang out or enjoy a social life anymore. People are literally going about their day at university and trying to study and make things work and I'm just sitting there literally baffled at everyone making such amazing efforts and truly caring about their lives when I myself struggle to go through a lecture and feel like killing myself. I have expressed my deep suicidal thoughts to my therapist, my parents...but no one seems to care. At least not enough to stop me or do...anything for that matter. It's as if nothing seems important to everyone and that just breaks my heart because if I had a child and they were suicidal...Gosh, I would do everything in my power to make them feel better. I really, really would. My real issue is this deep and painful loss of motivation in life and everything I do. I cannot be bothered to study, I really could care less deep down in my heart. I realize that effects me having a decent career or getting a job and maybe a relationship but I just find that I really do not care about those things either anymore. Even to the point where I do not want a social life anymore. If it means anything, my dream was to become a Clinical Psychologist. My dream was to help ppl exactly like me *sigh* I really wanted to help ppl, with all my heart and soul, I mean it. I know this is such a side note right now, as I myself have not seem the WHOLE entire TV show of "13 reasons why" (just 2 episodes + the last one) but I deeply felt for Hannah especially in the scene where she committed suicide and I had been shaken the past few days as I feel like I saw her pain and it resonated with me 200% in my heart and soul. I know I'm not alone but at the same time so incredibly alone and suicidal. I pray that any kind souls reading this right now, would be nice enough to let me know their thoughts and what they think I should do. I truly feel like there is no solution for me out there and it breaks my heart. Please help me. Thank you so much for reading everything. <333

@Shin Hey Shin ! I'm really sorry for the late reply BUT I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read everything and caring enough to reply ! <3 And hey now, we have a similar name ahah, how cute. You're right. I didn't specify at all ! I would like to now - I am technically Jewish-Spiritual. I believe in Spiritually 100% and do not practice anything in particular but my mind set is very much spiritual. Especially due to the fact that I do not "practice" my own religion, however that is part of me (identity) and forever will be (Jewish). You could say I'm just a very open person and I realize that in itself should be helping my situation however this deep pain has gone behind all that imo... May I ask what's "here"? I got really confused...I really would like to understand more Oh I'm not sure if I'm missing something out by mistake...but I can totally see how that may seem the case yeah. I think my deep depression is born out of a LOT of frustration, failure and over all sadness that had been associated with school (University), add to that the emotional pain two failed relationships (long distance) and a few hurts along the way and yeah...it seems crazy that THAT would want to make you kill yourself but it's true. I had never heard of "dark knight of the soul" ! Sounds very interesting, I will look it up ! Thank you SO MUCH for all the wonderful suggestions you left me with, I promise to go through them ! I have to say that I had read "The Power Of now" in the past and I think you're right, I should read it again. I think I'm much more mature these days and hopefully it will resonate and benefit me more. And thank you for the adorable meme aweee ! I hope you're doing well - Happy Holidays and HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!!!!