Raven_Mike

I'd had a rough couple years. In the beginning of the year I'd made many progresses. Since about end of April. My progress reverted. I've never felt so much like a failure & stuck in my life. I can't believe I let myself down again. I need help can someone help me ? POLITICS & the state of the world sucked me into a downward spiral. I began wanting to change things in the world to make a difference & the election became an impetus for me to share my voice on issues of wars & terror around the world. I began reading a lot of Noam Chomsky books & Howard Zinn etc. I think it derailed me --- dreaming of a better world.. Vs. coming to grips and accepting we're stuck in this one.. I think I made a lot of mistakes.. I didn't look out for myself. I felt like a martyr to a cause. I didn't support any of the candidates per se. I just wanted to raise awareness. I lost myself in the deep darkness of the conspiracy etc. it's not where my vibration was months ago. I'm lost -- i need help.

Ok. Coming out of the panic. Regaining my sea legs. The psychic attacks have waned. Im wounded. I need to heal my emotional wounds. When I finally do. Anything I want to achieve is possible im so smart & capable. I'm talented & worthy. I just have had an oppurtunity to seek true recovery & heal. Mathis is a gift for my benefit to fix myself

There's an enormous amount of shame in me. Today For abusing myself or the codependent in me puts myself in situations where I was a victim . I'm ashamed of that Deeply before I spat a whole dialogue about my noble visions of the world but the truth is. I'm just a self hater who was recovering and was finding peace & wholeness then out of nowhere. I let my guards down. & my whole world & progress collapsed on me. I feel toxic shame & guilt. All my chakras are closed at moment. I'm ashamed for even criticizing others in the world. Bc it's me projecting my issues Bc I have old wounds from childhood that I haven't healed they impede on me I self sabotage I feel like I'm going to be in a rut until August when I can get back into my academic program & finish my liscence so I can get back to work & get out of the financial hole. I have to wait until August. I'm. Going to try to fix myself & my emotional state. Im showing up here expressing outward issues that I'm blaming the world for. But that's my ego saying. --- I'm ashamed of myself. I feel terrified of being authentic Bc I'm vulnerable & insecure at moment.

As always. In our interplay she dominates me & controls my emotions. I lose my complete autonomy. She gives me a panic attack. I feel near deathly. I went a good 8 months of no contact. We had a civil relationship for last few months that just climaxed last night in an ugly phone confrontation. it was awful. I feel as if someone just took my life force out me. & sucked my prana from me. She always controls my emotions --- I thought I'd passed this moment in my life. But I haven't. She's still able to completely make me feel the lowest I could possibly feel on earth. It's power in giving to her consciously. But not by my own permission. I don't want to feel the panic & the pain. But it's surging through me uncontrollably in this morning. Bc last nite. I think I just committed spiritual suicide out of self hatred.

I'm. In middle of a nervous breakdown so if I sound scattered and broken & lost I'm literally in midst of complete panic attack & emotional breakdown. I'm in the death throes of a psychic attack. I'm feeling near terror within me. My heart is racing. My cortisol levels are peaking. & im feeling a crashing sense of deep terror. Panic. Loneliness fear. Depression. Hopelessness. Self hatred & having auicidal ideation a I'm not going to act on last night I got into a vicious confrontation with my ex wife. Who a year has passed I thought we could be friends but was being nice then became unrelentingly abusive with her words & my ego was hurt. I didn't want to admit she had beaten me & shes the superior one who had crushed me. There was a time it wasn't true. But at this desperate hour in time in my life it is true. I flung words at her im in a near panic attack free fall I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not manic. But I'm having a panic attack. I'm cognizant of my cortisol & adrenaline rushing through me. The deep dark feelings of tormented pain just resurfaced. It feels like a psychic attack my body is surging with toxic emotions. & I feel the panic ---. Any tips? I'm in midst of a nervous breakdown

Maybe --- just maybe I could be a foreign correspondent. A journalist. Go to war zones like Yemen & report the news. I don't know. I'm. A fucking mess. I'm PTSD & mental. I got emotional & spiritual problems. & my heart isn't in the modernized machine world of the matrix of American consumerism. But I feel like an alien. I feel lost. I'm one step away from a barking mad homeless man on side of highway screaming God is dead b

They say -- oh mike. U got 1st world problems. & I do. But Nietzsche was right. God is dead in secular west world. It's a crisis of spirit & soul decay.

Scratch that. I love the security & the money. & I don't like hard labor or low wages. I know that sounds conceited but it's why I went into finance. Bc I'm terrible IT & computer programming. (I'd love to learn it one day) im not cut out for construction or hard labor. I've done it in the past on part time basis. I fucking hate it!!! It's too late for me to go into medicine. Besides. It's not for me. You need to be able to have certain stomach for the trade. I've seen blood & guts up close in triages back in my youth. It's why I get so triggered by wars & death squads. I'm not cut out for murdering innocent masses. I I could perhaps be a killer tho. If it was acceptable. Like hitler? Or Joseph mengala? Yeah. I'd fucking kill them. But we're hardly killing bad guys anymore. & I can't live with innocent dead babies on my conscience ---- so. I have PTSD. I did a stint of NGO work in war torn areas of the world and saw first hand the misery. When I was in my 20s. I wanted to do peace Corp. but couldn't dedicate 2 years to it. But I did do 2 separate 6 month NGO work. One in Central America. & the other in western cape of Africa on Kenya & tanzinia borders. I didn't make much money. But I was very happy. But there were a few moments I brushed closely with armed conflicts. & It was terrifying. & I grew a little addicted to PTSD. You really don't get over seeing a machete victimized woman in triage screaming for help. In agony. Or children are the worst. Was ironically the happiest times of my life.

What do all u guys do for work? I'm jaded & burnt out. I apologize for ranting on & on in truth? I'm 100% receptive to LEO's ideas and this forums suggestions. I'm not resisting you all . I just wanted to give you some background on myself so I can get help for my problems. Which are tormenting to me at certain times. If i simply focus on happy thoughts. I wouldn't be very effective in my job which requires me to be well informed of the world & events surrounding them& risk management is the basis of the goal. To prevent our company from losing money. It may be the wrong career path for me but I honestly am good at it. I'm talented. I made so much money for these people. I'm good at the math. & I understand geopolitics better than anyone in my entire company. Im sad. I'm pathetic. I need help. Id love to change careers. But what am I going to do for work? I love finance. When I'm making money & it feels good. I hate the politics of the job. & I can't live with overthrowing democracies or death squads for a little extra profit off the top. It's just not how I roll

So. Yeah. I guess I just feel lost. --- I'm not sure what to do. I have aspirations outside of finance. But I tried for 10 years to write a great American novel like my heroes mark twain & HEMMINGWAY, Faulkner, Vonnegut, JD Salinger, f Scott Fitzgerald, walker Percy. Henry Miller., Kerouac etc. & realized. I'm not only a terrible writer. But I have nothing to say or write about. & i got so tired of being a broke & uninspired loser with nothing going for me homeless like a bum. With no great works to show for my suffering. No glory. Just misery. ---- besides all my heroes were afflicted! Tormented! Nietzsche ends up insane asylum. Strindberg & Rimbaut end up dying in their early 30s. The whole era of their kin is misery and early death. I still admire them as heroes. But I'm not a great writer! I'm simply afflicted. & on the path to early death without a posthumous legacy of great art to leave behind me when I croak.

I tell this story above to illustrate it's not that the people I work with are evil. Although there are a few guys in other companies & top of their fields who I would consider pretty damn evil. The colleagues of mine are for the great majority of part the nicest people. Men & women. Very educated. & not mean bone in their body. They wouldn't go out to ruin other people's lives. But they are also a product of the environment which is capitalism. & even if they are the most compassionate do gooders in their weekend philanthropies. Or whatever. They are fiduciary responsible to continuously chase profit. They may be aware of destruction or unaware.; but regardless of ur awareness you have to do the job of making money. While MOST IMPORTANTLY. not losing money. Bc that is the job! ------------------ its not that many of them suffer from sociopath personality disorders. Some may. But most of them are human beings with feelings and good intentions. That said. An example. I met a CEO of a mid cap oil company in Texas. Wonderful & delightfully kind in our chat. He was generous & kept going over & above & beyond to make me feel welcome & to make me feel accommodated at our meetings. I once asked him off the record, " do you believe in global warming as a CEO of a big oil company?" he says to me; "Mike. Between you and I. Of coarse I do! I worry every single day about the consequences of ecological impacts which I know my company is involved in promulgating!" he continues. "I know we're destroying the planet - but if I stopped exploring & drilling & bypassing laws & regulations for the sake of my conscience, Mike. You know what would happen? I would be fired by the board members & they would replace me with an even more Machiavellian bastard that would do what the legal contract I signed binds me culpable to do. It's a legal obligations to continuously seek growth for the shareholders & I'm in violation of my contract if I avoid drilling a patch of oil I know will kill the local wildlife. So. I feel bad about it. But it's better that I'm here than a guy who has no emotions at all. Right?"

One of my colleagues; I was in touch with recently after I left. Sort of a mentor to me. He had spent his 20 some odd years beginning out his career prior to this new company working as a floor trader in the open outcry pit at NYMEX - which is mostly digital now - but still exists and is being phased out For those who don't know what OPEN OUTCRY at the NYMEX is If u ever saw movie TRADING PLACES w/ Dan Ackroyd & Eddie Murphy - there is a scene in the end of the film where they travel to the WORLD TRADE CENTER NYC. --- and go to Frozen OJ pit to sell open outcry futures that's where my colleague worked Anyway. He spent 20 yrs working the NYMEX pits. Pure chaos-. He tells me a story over beers one night: he says to me, "Mike. The day 9/11 I was late to work -. I would've died along with many of my friends & coworkers on the NYMEX pit that day. But I lived. Bc I was late to work!" "yeah? So? Go on!" , I responded he takes another swig & a shot, "ok mike. I know you will judge me! Here goes: after my initial shock wore off during a week of darkness on the NYMEX floor. I didn't really do much cathartisis. I did however plan to arrive early the next trading day after the market reopens: "I made an outline of my plans to buy long market open! & set all my price points for entry " I responded; "that's pretty sick! You realize that right? " He says to me; "sure; Mikey I know it's sick; but let me finish my story!" He continues: "My plan was: BUY WEST TEXAS INTERMEDIARYCRUDE OIL FUTURES. & buy as many GOLD FUTURES CONTRACTS I could afford to allocate based on my marginable funds. I acted on it. I made a fortune. Later on I grieved & had catharsis. But my first instinct after the shock of 9/11 & cheating death was:. Oh my. There's a great oppurtunity to buy gold & oil now!" ------------------------- I respond:. "So, is there a point to your story?" He takes another shot & swig of beer, "not really. That's just how everyone on the NYMEX pit thinks! The survivors are the ones like myself. That's just the nature of the business. You either survive or you don't. And u take a walk bro!" now mind you this guy isn't a GORDEN GEKKO or WOLF OF WALL STREET type. He's one of the nicest guys in my office. He just was telling me a war story to ease my jadedness w/ the business.

The thing is. I'm really good at finance. They say. Don't do what u love. Do what you're good at. & I love technology & art & writing & science. But the damn honest truth is that I'm simply not any good at these things. I don't understand how to code --. I'd love to learn. But I'll never be like LEBRON JAMES of that field. Let alone. I'll never be played on the worst high school team. I wouldn't even make tryouts at the bad news bears baseball team in computers. Im not cut out for real estate. I've worked in service industry for years now. Had almost every job imaginable & I lived paycheck to paycheck ---. I went into finance. Bc I'm REALLY good at it!!! i also enjoy it sometimes. --- I don't like the office politics. or beaurocracy of the whole thing.

I had a triggering event that spurred my resistance Well it wasn't my firm (I worked for a mutual fund) --- that organized the Brazil coup Rather it was the big investment banks; few hedge funds & one big co called BLACKROCK that capitalized on helping the Brazil coup --- that triggered me bc as soon as it happened What did I do!? I bought up Blackrock shares Bc that's what u do! Unfortunately u have no choice we're not there to lose money!!! We're there to make it! Big trigger mainly one thing, my boss said to me was how the Iraq war necessary Bc it saved our faultering economy after 9/11. He said it not proudly; but rather as a steely eyed realist with sadness in his heart he said it. He wasn't saying he loved the war He said it was necessary to save the economy after 9/11 I nodded but I felt sick in my stomach I resigned a few weeks later It's not that I believe in politics or politicians. But things seemed a lot more hopeful. Like a mass movement was building. Almost 1960s counter culture of sorts was growing & like there seemed a moment that change was possible or good would come of awareness. But the election season. & believe me I didn't support Bernie sanders or any candidate as I'm a committed anarchist. But I was hopeful that ANYONE except Trump & CLINTON would end up the nominee. Mind u I didn't get involved in any campaigns. I didn't even vote in primaries.

I had an epiphany. Maybe I should consider a career change. But to be honest I'm not that skilled in computer engineering or anything. I'm great at finance. I make money when I invest. But. It is soul sucking sometimes. This music video explains me to a tee https://youtu.be/ZSb3nG4oTNQ

So I kind of had a nervous breakdown & a depression. Which is ongoing. I started out my life up until mid 20s dreaming of being a musician. I had several entrepreneurial endeavors making guitars Making electronics for music equipment but I couldn't keep afloat Too much competition & i couldnt pay my bills --- so I went back to school to learn finance That's what I do now Until I just quit --- I just was depressed I wanted to help the world. I just ended up needing a real job. Bc all my instruments were repossessed & I was homeless so. I'm lost in life. I feel miserable. Idk. I know I have to go back to the matrix and do agent smiths bidding. But now I have to do so as a masochost who walked away when they wanted me to do my job. Which I felt a conflict of interest in doing. But now I'm unemployed. & I need a job.

There recently was a Wall Street coup in Brazil. A bloodless coup. But mind u it was planned & engineered by Wall Street speculators who collaborated with DC think tanks & council on foreign relations & the govt of USA executed it Bc Wall Street said. These people have so many riches in timber, oil, mining, live cattle, & they have a growing middle class. & Wall Street says. I'm not making enough money off it so. They overthrow a democratically elected leader dilma Rousseff. And roll back social programs & living wages. & expropriate the cheap labor & resources and revert Brazil back into a 3rd world country. & take the oil & gas & mining. Etc they cut down the forest in Amazon now with no regulations anymore So now the country is in disarray but the money is flowing in! They have huge coffee fields just enormous resources It's a giant money grab ---- so in the banks & hedge funds Their goal was to buy up all the distressed equities at mere pennies & they were sold at mere pennies Bc the country has been so economically devastated Bc of number of reasons --- so now Wall Street owns Brazil's mines ---- and I had to buy them all up cheap $VALE mining $PBR petrobas $ITAU bank $oibr Oi telecom Etc i swear to god. It just made me feel sick. So I quit my job. But. I need to accept that's the way the world works now. They did the same thing only far more bloody in Honduras in 2009 theg did a similar thing in Argentina recently with their president CFK Theyre gonna keep doing it! Venezuela & Ecuador & Iran are next. All for the money & resources.

The truth is I gotta get back to work or I'm gonna be broke --- I just took off April & had like what I thought was an epiphany Like that there were more important things to focus on but in the end Nothing changed Things arguably are exact the same If not worse so I derailed my whole life on a dream for no reason --- now I'm back at square one & need to go beg for a new job somewhere that sucks my soul out but I need money Bc I can't survive without it U guys are right. I need to change my vibration back to reality All my thoughts & dreams may have truth to them. But they won't change the world. Too much resistance to that

How could u not be depressed. But I'm selling health insurance to clients now. But I'm for 100% single payer free healthcare system for all.

You see what happens right? All our energy brain focus & time & resources. Big resources Bc u need a huge movement to figure out solve big problems like countering global warming. Individuals & even mid cap companies & large cap companies even. Like solar city. Or tesla motors. I commend them! But they're not changing much on the big problems of the world. They put a tiny notch in it. These companies are rarity. But the great bulk of capital & resources goes to undermining any positive benefits from solar city or tesla motors by wars for oil. Etc. the rest of us are forced into labor to pay exhorbidant rents & for less wages. & ppp. Which is global purchasing power & inflation adjusted. The great wealth has been pocketed by small % of oligarchs. They buy govt & congress to avoid paying taxes. To dump their chemicals in our water supply. To poison our food supply. To send in a paramilitary army into a small 3rd world nation for commodities like Uhhhh. Bananas for example. I love bananas. But it's not why we invaded guatamala. We invaded guatamala so one company. United fruit co could retain 100% of the profits of the banana vs share the wealth with its slave laborers they pushed into poverty with death squads etc. all our wars are bullshit. We have big problems & big projects we need to work on. As a globe & worldwide . Not as USA. But as a world community. But we're too focused on streaming porno economy & tabloid journalism. Etc. what about the shit that actually matters? We got no time -- we're all busy using up our time working. Thats Time we could be spending making no money but researching keys to solving big problems & it takes a long period to discover new ideas etc and we got no money Bc it's all out of pocket costs Bc people have to pay rent Forget great minds working on Wall Street or elsewhere as a brain drain U need big money i.e. Resources for projects like that. Cost big bucks. CERN was gonna be a USA project. But congress said. Nah. What's the point? It's makes no money!!!! Ended up in Switzerland which is awesome but like these are things we're here to figure out To be curious to explore to discover to create & innovate I would argue innovation exists But not within the confines of capitalism but perhaps under grants & philanthropic research events We could have bullet trains & cheaper power companies with better service etc smarter cities w/ transit systems Jobs creating etc we have wars!!!! A war on cancer A war on AIDS A war on diabetes wr have expropriated resources to undermine the progress of the world & it gets me down but I'm powerless so I sell used cars & any other garbage I have to just to subsist & labor & it's fine with me I like having money but I realize there's more to life I'm feeling down about it

I'm fucking depressed man! I need help.

For what it's worth. I like money & cool cars love & sex too.

Sigh. Nihilism. I believe in a god. But it's more like spinozas God. Nietzche he was known for nihilism but he was a deeply spiritual man. He simply had gripes with society. He said God is dead. Facetiously. God if at all exists it's in the cosmos & in between the particles. & it's woven in DNA & other realms exist. We can't prove it. But we can only imagine God is an abstraction of all that exists in the universe we simply can't explain. Whats life on this planet about?? Selling cars. Getting money. Getting married? Getting divorced. Taking Testosterone pills to chase puasy & driving a nice car. Fame. Blah blah blah.

But alas. I'm broke. I'm not that smart. I dream of the cosmos I know there's a meaning to life The purpose is to find out why we're here Unfortunately we're too busy making a streaming porn economy & selling cartoon tigers for sugary flakes covered in pesticides for money all day to ever get to the bottom of anything meaningful or important. So back to selling insurance. Annuities. Bonds. & stocks. Bc bc I can dream . I just accept shit is the way it is. No one wants to be homeless genius. Except bukowski claims u gotta go all the way. But that guy was fucking miserable man

Part of my problem is my boredom with capitalism & institutions. I dreamed of other worlds many days. Life on other planets. Other realities. & find my job selling insurance & bonds & trading stocks just isn't fulfilling. Of coarse I'm broke. Bc I went through a terrible divorce & spent it all like a fiend on useless crap that had no value. Sigh. CERN is a fucking awesome btw Higgs boson particle was discovered. & perhaps it's the key to unlocking secret of universe. Perhaps there's a wormhole. & we could travel through it one day to another dimension That's not proven it's theoretical physics. We don't do important things. We we sell cars ! & commodities etc. war is a business. . But string theorists & m theorists believe it. Stephen hawking says we don't know what's at the end of a black hole. Perhaps a white hole that leads to a parallel universe. With a parallel us in it! Higgs boson particle is an enormous discovery. It's a sub atomic particle element that explains mass in the E=mc2 equation. What is mass? Einstein didn't define it properly. Now we know. The Higgs boson theory is right. & CERN proved it the glue between particles Superstring theory is like EXODUS meets DHARMA. meets 12 different world dimensions. It's awesome That's the Higgs particle. The glue of the universe. They existed our entire lives. Just like electrons. We just never knew they were there People in 1900. Were all saying Nikolai tesla & Edison were witches. & gallileo was killed by the church We can't see electricity. But it existed since earliest mankind. The cavemen didn't understand how to power their city with electricity. Bc they didn't understand invisible shit that surrounds them. Called electromagnetism. The Catholic Church for 1000s years demanded the sun revolves around the earth & we are center of universe. Human life on earth is going to end soon anyway. The universe is expanding which means the earth will become very cold & unlivable for mammals We may need to cross a wormhole to survive at a certain point or end up like the dinosaurs Of coarse there's others realms. Non corporeal world's. Spiritual realms. That's known. But CERN is saying there's other universes. With their own realms. Not the same non physical. & spiritual realms ur talking about The realms extrasensories communicate with are of a different dimension but not of a different universe entirely. There's 12 realms in Kabbalah. The physical realm we live in & the realm of Angels & Demons we can't see. But exist. And other realms. But that's just this universe alone There's other realms completely different no one ever has seen or felt or intuited. Those realms are in entirely new universes of their own. M-theory suggests there's other realities. Perhaps it's our very same selves in that reality experiencing a different life. & the dimensions of astral plane or extra sensory dimension we're speaking of don't get crossed by m-theory. CERN so far hasn't proven m-theory but has discovered new particles which are the glue of mass. Meaning if the universe is made of mass. E=mc2. We just figured out what the glue of m is.