Raven_Mike

Obviously I'm here on this board today authentically showing up. Recognizing my problems. Or at least trying to root them out. Bc I need help. I'm in a hole. I'm sinking in it. I'm not an addict. I'm just in state of fear & panic & insecurity. I'm terrified of facing my own emotions. Im a recovering codependent.

I really wouldn't say the substance use which is so sparingly done. Or the chain smoking nor the weight gain & lethargy are the problem rather they are all symptoms of my emotions. Which are deep and cut through me. My emotions. These feelings of deep pain sometimes. Not always. But in this moment ---. I revert to soothing them unconsciously with other means. I'm conscious now of that. It took me since April. To get here.

I feel like the squirrel who didn't gather nuts for the winter right now. I also reverted to bad habits like in giant collapse backwards. Id lost 30lbs. Now getting heavier. Quit smoking. Began up again. Made new friends & was social & self loving. Now I'm isolating Im in a hole my finances are in hole My reputation feels like a sack of bricks it's not just the politics like I said That's just another outlet like smoking that averts my attention to my emotions I meditated today all day. But I continuously cried. It uplifted so much trauma. So much trauma. I meditated all day. I I still feel like my root chakra is unaligned. In fact. My only open chakras are the heart & third eye & crown. Everything else is is closed off. I I spoke to my ex today. We mended some things. I cried a little bit more realizing how much I really missed being in love & in a relationship. & knowing we'll never be the same. I don't want her back. But ut the pain is so deep. Its ran a core trauma wound from childhood. A family suicide. An abusive parent. On/off troubles with recreational drug use. In my end. Which I stopped. I wouldn't say I'm addict but a habitual avoider of my own pain & emotions

Lol. Any other tips? theyre all good.

That's a good point. Thank you

How do I stop the pain? It's just a deep cratering pain in me. Its not just the politics. It was an outlet for me to avoid the real problem internally. I'm extremely unhappy. I have a pain deep in the gut. It hurts. I need to do more than fix a habit. I need to learn to accept patience. I don't have any. I feel a need to escape. Bc I feel like I'm in a hole. A prison. & I have to get back on track. I'm unhappy.

I'm trying to understand the last video. How does he mean be aware fixes it?

I really got sucked up in drama. i feel ashamed of myself for letting myself down in the process of chasing truth. I have to accept I'm powerless. All those things are unchanged & I feel I lost my soul on the process.

How do overcome this emotion. OF BURNING BRIDGES.. ? I've burned a lot of bridges in the last few months.. I don't know why i was so self-hating. I just wanted to be honest & express myself. That said. I feel a bit isolated & unloved & alone & guilty. I want to get myself back together.. but I feel i've gotten off track. I feel a heavy burden now.

I made all this amazing progress.. and I collapsed back on myself.. I feel so shitty about it.

I feel so low now.. my vibration is low! It's just pain. * My health deteriorated --- my tasks became meaningless.. I feel stuck & Disempowered.. i'm not in control of my emotions nor my future nor my life anymore. I was in a good place.. I got derailed.. I derailed myself.. I need help!