jes, what mal is saying might be hard to comprehend right now. My suggestion would be what he says " aware of myself". Awareness, yes. What makes you tick ? What is it that you are searching for ? Stay on it. Stay on this path. I have been doing this for 13 years. I am no where close to being happy or fulfilled. But I am going to keep on searching till I find it. Like Leo says- it is an inner game. It is not easy. But please stay on it, don't give up.