Raphael

There's still a bit of a vengeful, rensentful ego. It will come back and it will try to hurt. I'm aware of you ego.

My feeling is that as I didn't cleared enough my own traumas I traumatized myself again and again by reading this forum.

@flowboy Most of the pain is gone now, it was highly painful yesterday. I can still feel a bit of burn, but things are overall fine.

I just had a nap but woke up in the middle and starting looking at my hand. While doing that some thoughts started to appear: "I'm Raphael, I exists, I exists, I exists...". Then I let go of that. Overall, I still feel a lot of burn in my body and feel my muscles twisting themselves sometimes.

@Preety_India It feels like it has been a roller-coaster for me all my life, but yeah I agree this is love.

This is the same thing: a feeling of abandonment. I know where this is coming from. Is it what kundalini is? I started to have like a ball of anxiety forming in my stomach in recent days and it felt like it needed to get out of me. By doing radical acceptance of everything with the list of "it's ok" it moved through my entire body, went up to my head and moved through my right brain and left brain. It was very painful, at a moment I felt like it could have killed me if I didn't wrote: Yeah, that's always true. Sleep has been tough in the past 2 months and got tougher in recent days because of this anxiety but I am very careful of how I eat overall and started to drink more water.

Why IFS and Do-Nothing meditation?

@Preety_India I'm remember that I started to check this forum regularly when I was at the lowest point in my entire life and I think that it was similar for you when you started journaling here. We didn't had that much interactions so far and the first ones weren't that great but it looks like we are over-coming that. Also as we are both INTPs we knows more or less how we function: when we lack self-esteem we reclude, when things get better we open up. As things are getting we are opening up to ourselves. It feels like two parts of consciousness being re-united. I don't know about you but I'm also experiencing synchronicities with other people. It looks like 2022 is going to be the year of success (financial success), health, and relationships.

@Preety_India Thanks, I'm giving you a hug. It looks like we are on the same path for some aspects. We both knows that 2022 is going to be a great year and we are experiencing synchronicities:

I mean radical acceptance of everything: not only what I deny about me or triggers me, but radical acceptance of existence itself. This is loving for the sake of loving.

Ffff...

I have been pretty agitated lately. Can someone who has experience help me understand what is happening?

@Nahm Currently I feel like I'm just going to have my breakfast and go to bed again because I'm exhausted I experience exhaustion.

Because it's going to create more thoughts?

Yes, i'm agitated. Yes, it feels great to feel.

@Nahm Yes.

@Nahm Yes.

Yeah, I have been quite pessimistic many times in my life (I know this is a thought). I don't have suicidal thoughts, they were extremely light thoughts. I'm stable even though I slept less than 4 hours this night just like previous days. I'm overall agitated as a lot of things are changing in my life. I don't feel bored, I'm just sleep deprived. Yes, yes, and yes. But behind all thoughts there is a feeling <- and yes this is a thought too that is the same as feeling. Thought = Feeling.

@Nahm I feel like I did everything wrongly in my life.

Or that I should have done.

Yes, I experienced that a lot in my life. I feel like I didn't do a lot of things that I could have done.

@Nahm Also, at a moment the ego had thoughts about killing himself. It used mechanism such as: It's ok to kill myself It's ok to be nothing It's ok to die It's ok to accept death Etc.

@flowboy I'm curious if you have an opinion if you've checked this journal cause things are a bit crazy for me right now

No... or maybe just a bit... The thing is that I always tried to be perfect by pretending to be a perfect saint who love everything, who never have any emotional reaction, who fit perfectly all people's standards and is never triggered by anything where I wasn't. I just felt the desire to actually accept all of reality this time instead of pretending to accept it. I wrote this in my journal: