Raphael

The lifespan of this journal is going to be very short. Probably something like 1-2 months ...

I'm sorry for all the dirtiness in this journal, especially in this post: It always gets worst before it gets better and things got to their worst a few days ago. I started to have a ball of anxiety forming up in my stomach and this ball of anxiety got thrown out in the post linked above. I felt it moving from my stomach up to my head, it almost felt like I was dying while writing that. A few minutes after going to bed yesterday I felt the urge to write "I want to die, I want to kill myself" and started writing it again and again and again and again... While doing that I felt some sensations coming from my stomach and moving up to my head. I also felt some pressure on my throat, it was as if the ego was strangling the body in order to kill it. The sentence "I want to die, I want to kill myself" evolved into other sentences until things end up. I had no suicidal feelings, I was just writing and witnessing things happening. I feel like I might have disgusted and traumatized some people by writing what I wrote in the post linked above, I'm sorry. I think that this ego wanted to take a part of the forum with him. In all cases, it showed up the baggage that I had inside me. It included: Things about me Things that trigger me Things that I saw Things that my entourage experienced Things that I accumulated from the media Things that I accumulated from reading this forum I have been emotionally repressed while growing up, I felt like I didn't have the right to complain about anything so because of that I accumulated a huge emotional baggage that I'm currently expressing. Moreover, I didn't have much freedom of speech in work environments from the age of 20 to 22. I got bullied, got some racism, a few strong explosions of rage directed to me, and often times the attitude was "shut up and do the work, no room for creativity and new ideas here". Also, as understanding emotions and people has been my weak point most of my life I didn't know how to deal with the hate inside me except by repressing it until two years ago when I started to learn a bit more about emotions. It's really important to self-express, self-expression is a human right. The list of "it's ok" was at the same time a way to express what I had inside me and to make peace with all these things. As I'm writing this my mind feels much clearer than before. It is still a bit chaotic and I still have many thoughts but I don't really feel that I have ADHD. I started to wonder if I had ADHD two years ago because of how crazy my mind was and the answer that I got to this point is: I have a mind that function in an atypical way and that have some similarities with ADHD minds but this is not ADHD. It was an accumulation of traumas as oftentimes the mind hides the pain. There's a last point that I want to make before finishing this post: I started to notice some passive-aggressive behaviors from me on this forum and I want to apologize here. If you noticed that from me, I apologize. This unhealthy ego is dying and is being replaced by a healthy, vibrant, highly functioning, fully integrated, and fully balanced ego.

Things are going to go well

Some people over-complicate everything but some people over-simplify everything... Balance again, balance...

It can be a trap to try to make things simple all the time... Why not make things complicated? What's wrong with complexity? What's wrong with being highly nuanced and sophisticated?

So simple and complicated at the same time...

It was.

@flowboy You have many gold nuggets and many similarities with me in your journal. Reading it is very useful for me.

About Passive-Aggressiveness @Raphael Do the best that you can but if when sorting yourself out you become passive-aggressive and hurt other people then do it privately. If it becomes too ugly, do things privately.

Nah. This is another ego trick. The ego either wants to brag or either wants to hide in its insecurities. Also, there's something really powerful in sorting myself out publicly as it makes me vulnerable.

Nah... I mean... some parts of me are getting there but overall what I'm currently doing is just sorting out some emotional and psychological issues that are blocking me.

Nah. This is another ego trick. The ego either wants to brag or either wants to hide in its insecurities. Also, there's something really powerful in sorting myself out publicly as it makes me vulnerable.

How To End The Unhealthy Ego Cut the unhealthy relationship with the forum: only use it in case of extreme necessity Cut any other coping mechanism Allow a bit of backsliding Re-Live the trauma and express the pain Give love and understanding Make a new meaning

Current State Perfectly fine, perfectly decent from the outside Feels a bit of internal agitation This is how I am when I'm agitated. Even though I'm agitated people don't notice it from the outside because I manage it very well.

What Are You Trying To Do Ego? He is trying to use the forum as a way to get visibility He is trying to use the forum to feed itself, the forum is a coping mechanism He wants to be passive-agressive

I will bring more and more acceptance of the world: no matter how ugly a person is, no matter how bad something look I will bring love to it.

There's still a bit of a vengeful, rensentful ego. It will come back and it will try to hurt. I'm aware of you ego.

My feeling is that as I didn't cleared enough my own traumas I traumatized myself again and again by reading this forum.

@flowboy Most of the pain is gone now, it was highly painful yesterday. I can still feel a bit of burn, but things are overall fine.

I just had a nap but woke up in the middle and starting looking at my hand. While doing that some thoughts started to appear: "I'm Raphael, I exists, I exists, I exists...". Then I let go of that. Overall, I still feel a lot of burn in my body and feel my muscles twisting themselves sometimes.

@Preety_India It feels like it has been a roller-coaster for me all my life, but yeah I agree this is love.

This is the same thing: a feeling of abandonment. I know where this is coming from. Is it what kundalini is? I started to have like a ball of anxiety forming in my stomach in recent days and it felt like it needed to get out of me. By doing radical acceptance of everything with the list of "it's ok" it moved through my entire body, went up to my head and moved through my right brain and left brain. It was very painful, at a moment I felt like it could have killed me if I didn't wrote: Yeah, that's always true. Sleep has been tough in the past 2 months and got tougher in recent days because of this anxiety but I am very careful of how I eat overall and started to drink more water.

Why IFS and Do-Nothing meditation?

@Preety_India I'm remember that I started to check this forum regularly when I was at the lowest point in my entire life and I think that it was similar for you when you started journaling here. We didn't had that much interactions so far and the first ones weren't that great but it looks like we are over-coming that. Also as we are both INTPs we knows more or less how we function: when we lack self-esteem we reclude, when things get better we open up. As things are getting we are opening up to ourselves. It feels like two parts of consciousness being re-united. I don't know about you but I'm also experiencing synchronicities with other people. It looks like 2022 is going to be the year of success (financial success), health, and relationships.

@Preety_India Thanks, I'm giving you a hug. It looks like we are on the same path for some aspects. We both knows that 2022 is going to be a great year and we are experiencing synchronicities: