Raphael

13 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:12 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:32 (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:36 AM - 10:25 AM I updated plugins on a website and added internal links Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 49 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 11:00 AM - 12:12 AM I started to implement a data table on my app. I did a lot of progress Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes 01:27 PM - 02:53 PM I continued the work on the table Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 26 minutes 03:01 PM - 04:32 PM I searched for quality icons, but finally choose to use the ones provided by the library. I also continued the design of the statistics table Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 4 hours 58 minutes, including 4 hours 9 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

One day I almost had a panic attack while thinking about a complex system. I was so excited when I was exploring possibilities and interconnecting dots that my mind couldn't handle it anymore. I started to feel my heartbeat going faster and faster, but hopefully, I controlled it. However, that was only temporary until I got my first panic attack caused by an overactive mind and fears. The multiple experiences that I had were very difficult, but I felt liberated and clear after that. From my POV, it looks like experiencing intense fear is a necessary step before moving into being. You will probably experience that too at some point and more than one time. But even after, I don't know if the need for analysis will be exhausted because people have different personality types that influence their enlightenment.

So Many Thoughts Sometimes I would like to be like these people who don't really think that much about life and just live it. These people usually say things like: "Don't think too much, it's not good.", they also usually aren't that smart, but at least they enjoy the present moment which is something that is difficult for me to do. My mind is naturally explosive and very agitated, I can surely calm it down through meditation, yoga and other practices, but at the same time I don't think I should get rid of it because its my greatest asset and it feels authentic and natural to use it.

Masculinity and Feminity The Dating, Relationships, Sexuality subforum got pretty fired up recently. I learned a lot from reading the discussions and also noticed some biases that I have, both biological and cultural. I don't like conservative values, but what I noticed is that regarding man and woman relationships, they are some deep truths in those conservative values. However, the issue since the beginning of humanity is that these values have been unbalanced which caused a lot of suffering to women. And it also caused a lot of suffering for men and women who had preferences that weren't in accordance with typical gender roles, notably LGBTQ+ people. Men that weren't so manly and who didn't have so much strength as we would expect from a man suffered and women that were more logical and action-oriented than we expected from women also suffered. The current tendency in developed countries is a shift from inequality to equality for both genders. I think that it will improve a lot the general situation for women, but it will also cause some internal issues. Women will be more liberated and men will be in more contact with women which is great, but I think that many people will turn equality into an ideology. I think that some men who are already toxic will become more and more toxic and will justify some behaviors by using the argument of gender equality. For example: not helping a woman with heavy weights because she is supposed to be as equal as a man; not giving emotional support to a woman because she is supposed to be like a man, be logical, not caring, and just do the thing; avoiding responsibility and always complaining because a man is supposed to be as "weak" (for the toxic man perspective, not from my perspective) as a woman; etc. I also think that some normal average men are becoming toxic because they feel confused by all this gender-equality stuff and feel oppressed and feel like they are losing their role in society. Finally, some women will become toxic too by taking equality as an ideology and will try to do everything like a man but will lose connection to their femininity. Both men and women will try to convince (and maybe even force) other men and women to do things like the other gender because of equality while at the same time dismissing natural preferences. Green will solve a lot of issues, but will also create a lot of confusion between men and women. I don't think that the solution should be oppression, nor equality, but a dance between two persons' strengths and weaknesses.

12/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll be closer to my fears I'll be more understanding of my fears I'll open myself more to my fears I'll accept having fears I'll experience my fears I would list my fears I'll recognize my fears I'll start to fix my fears If I deny and disown my fears... I entertain fear in my body I contribute to having a disorganized mind I contribute to have difficult thought storms I limit my possibilities in life I feel constrained I keep anger and resentment towards people I don't feel good If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll start to heal myself I'll start to forgive myself I'll understand that people who caused me pain were just ignorant, incompetent, and couldn't help themselves I would not put my pain on others I would break the chain of pain by accepting my pain I'll open my heart' I'll accept to cry when I feel pain I'll understand the source of my pain I'll start to resolve my pain If I deny and disown my pain... I keep my pain in myself I become more and more bitter every day I am aggressive towards people I don't feel happy I keep sadness in myself masqueraded behind anger and aggressiveness I don't feel authentic I contribute to the creation of fear I feel heavy I close myself from myself my body language is non-authentic I entertain parasite thoughts I entertain tics and unwanted body movements

12 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:52 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:12 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:49 PM - 08:08 PM I responded to a client Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 19 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 10:45 AM - 12:06 AM I completed the Twitter login flow and also distracted myself a bit Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 21 minutes 01:04 PM - 14:31 PM I did some updates and started to work on statistics Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes 02:38 PM - 04:41 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3/5 Duration: 2 hours 3 minutes Average Focus: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 10 minutes, including 4 hours 51 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

11/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll understand the source of my fears I'll open up on my fears I'll feel my fears I can start to heal my fears I can start to improve my mental health I'll face my fears I'll recognize my fears I'll try to understand where my fears are coming from If I deny and disown my fears... I keep shadows in myself I keep unresolved traumas I stay fearful I don't feel authentic I keep difficult emotions in myself I contribute to low-quality nights I have difficulties make progress in life If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll feel my pain I'll try to understand the source of my pain I'll try to understand which parts of me needs to be healed I'll let go of my pain it would help me to resolve my pain using my mind would be less painful I would be happier to use my mind I'll perform better I'll cry when its painful If I deny and disown my pain... I accumulate resistance in myself I feel constrained I live my life with suffering I entertain a bad mood I entertain bitterness I close myself to improving my life I have anxious reactions against people I live with fear that something could happen to me it creates a loop of pain → fear of experiencing pain → pain caused by fear of experiencing pain

I'm currently wondering if I should continue to put a number of hours as an objective. Most of the time I don't work 30h / week, most of the time I'm between 25h - 30h. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing a lot of progress by working less than 30 hours, other times it feels like I'm not doing that much even if I work 30h+. Intensity, decisiveness, and quality of work seems more important than the number of hours I put in.

11 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:07 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 08:53 AM - 10:08 AM I finally saved this bug that I had for so long, I also created a pull request and merged it to the current branch Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 15 minutes 10:29 AM - 12:00 AM I continued the work on Twitter login Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes 01:17 PM - 02:25 PM I continued the previous work. I feel a little tired, but at the same time quite agitated. This is strange, I think I'm going to have a nap Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes 03:05 PM - 04:38 PM I almost completed Twitter login. I also found a few new issues that I need to check Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 37 minutes, including 5 hours 37 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

Well... this looks like an old story now. We started to get new cases from the end of last week coming from...we aren't sure yet. My sister's flight got canceled, she was supposed to get back on the 25th. The island is now under a new lockdown, restrictions are mostly respected, only a few people are walking from time to time. I had the feeling that it could hit harder at the beginning of the week, however, the current strict measures are recomforting. Let's see how it goes.

10/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I would be more accepting of the unknown I would be more accepting of spiders I would be more accepting of my dad I would be more accepting of Vishal I would be more accepting of people I would decrease my social anxiety I would feel more comfortable around people I would be more peaceful I would be less reactive If I deny and disown my fears... I keep anger and resentment against people I keep anger and resentment against my dad I keep anger and resentment against Vishal I keep anger and resentment against Iqbal I feel constrained I feel prisoner of my emotions I don't feel authentic If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll experience my pain I'll fully experience this burning feeling in my body I'll accept being in pain I'll accept not being perfect I'll accept my insecurities I'll be able to take responsibility for my life I'll start to open myself to new possibilities If I deny and disown my pain... I continue to live in fear every day I feel agitated I feel restricted I feel restrained in my pain I don't try to do anything I feel non authentic

10 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:57 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:50 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 08:21 PM - 08:46 PM I shared and planned articles on social networks Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 25 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 10:41 AM - 12:04 AM I worked on a backend API. I wasn't fully focused because I was listening to Teal Swan in the background Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 23 minutes 01:37 PM - 02:25 PM Looks like, I will have to create a custom solution for this issue as nothing is working Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 48 minutes 03:06 PM - 04:36 PM I found the solution to the issue and finally making progress again Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 4 hours 6 minutes, including 2 hours 41 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

About My Dad My dad is the most hateful, xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic person that I know. And I feel that he is far from the worst because I only got beaten a few times when I was a kid. I mostly got insults and criticism from him and not that much love. The pressure that I felt when I was a kid was psychological without fear of physical punishments. He instilled fear of people in my psyche, he always insisted that I should never talk to anyone, he didn't allow me to go out in the street by myself, and was very controlling of my sister when she started to go out by herself. He wanted and often still wants that the curtains in the house stay closed because he thinks that people are spying on us. The house is in ruin because of his attitude of not wanting to buy anything and waiting for things to break before repairing them, and then not even repairing them properly. We cannot improve anything in the house because as soon as we try, he starts to control everything. I will inherit a pile of ruin from him and will have to build everything from his mess. I need to be careful and keep an eye on him as he will degenerate more and more as he gets older.

09/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll feel my fears I'll try to understand where my fears are coming from I'll be more open about being fearful I'll try to resolve my fears I start to create peace with myself I open myself to progress If I deny and disown my fears... I entertain fears I live life non authentically I don't appreciate life I don't open myself to more possibilities I keep this burning feeling into my abdomen I don't take actions I get discouraged easily If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll recognize that I'm suffering I'll feel my pain I can start resolving old traumas I'll share more about myself I'll accept being vulnerable I'll more easily let go of my pain If I deny and disown my pain... I entertain my pain I find life difficult I have difficulties going through my days I feel conflicted I feel tensions in my body I entertain tics and other parasite behaviors

09 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:40 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:55 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 12:24 AM - 12:51 AM I added a piece of code on a website Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 27 minutes Had a sleepless night that caused low motivation and inability to work properly and was also too interested in reading about certain topics. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 27 minutes, including 27 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

Masculine Energy https://wheelofwellbeing.com/the-power-of-energies/ How to Balance and Harmonize Masculine and Feminine Energies https://chopra.com/articles/how-to-balance-and-harmonize-masculine-and-feminine-energies Quality Articles: 9 Ways to Awaken the Divine Masculine Within You 8 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your Masculine Energy

Cravings I have difficulties dealing with my cravings, in particular with my masculine destructive energy. My sex drive has been pretty high lately, it caused my mind to be pretty agitated and contributed to some sleepless night. I fapped yesterday and fapped today too, it felt better, as if I was releasing a monster from my system. I would prefer to fap only one or two times per week, but it seems like this is not enough, maybe alternating between one fap day and one no-fap day would help. I also played GTA today in order to release this stage red masculine energy, it felt great.

The more you are conscious, the more people will hate you and will try to put you down.

Here's something that happened to me two times in the past. For a period of maybe ~2 years, I was pretty depressed and sometimes even a little suicidal. During these two years, I worked in two different offices as a software developer, they were mostly guys and only one or two girls. In each office, I got into a situation where I got publicly humiliated by another guy. The person would say a very short and dry sentence that would cut me into pieces and that I didn't need because I was already feeling very bad. When it happened, the other guys stayed neutral and didn't say anything but to my surprise each time the girl laughed out aloud. It blew me away because I thought girls would be offended and show compassion for me, but it wasn't the case. I currently have two theories that explain these situations: These girls were dysfunctional. Even if I got unfairly humiliated, even if I was depressed, even if the girls wouldn't like to be humiliated like that, and even if girls are naturally more caring and compassionate they couldn't resist and laughed because these kind of behaviors are typical male dominating behaviors that feminity is attracted to I currently think that the second point is more accurate. What do you think? Note aside: In my entire life, I never thought about humiliating someone who is in a bad position. I don't understand why someone would like to make someone else suffer like this.

Balance.

I need to concentrate on my work now, I'm spending way too much time learning about self-actualization and exploring cultural diversity through the internet. This is painful to do because this is what I enjoy the most, but it's not an appropriate long-term strategy. I need to stop wasting time and focus on doing the right thing at the right time.

@Leo Gura Lol. I just had the exact same thought and shared it in my journal a few minutes ago.

Any identity, no matter how small it is, is just fear and a facade from who we really are.

Cultures are more similar than we think, often time their differences are only facades that hides authenticity.