Raphael

About My Dad My dad is the most hateful, xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic person that I know. And I feel that he is far from the worst because I only got beaten a few times when I was a kid. I mostly got insults and criticism from him and not that much love. The pressure that I felt when I was a kid was psychological without fear of physical punishments. He instilled fear of people in my psyche, he always insisted that I should never talk to anyone, he didn't allow me to go out in the street by myself, and was very controlling of my sister when she started to go out by herself. He wanted and often still wants that the curtains in the house stay closed because he thinks that people are spying on us. The house is in ruin because of his attitude of not wanting to buy anything and waiting for things to break before repairing them, and then not even repairing them properly. We cannot improve anything in the house because as soon as we try, he starts to control everything. I will inherit a pile of ruin from him and will have to build everything from his mess. I need to be careful and keep an eye on him as he will degenerate more and more as he gets older.

09/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll feel my fears I'll try to understand where my fears are coming from I'll be more open about being fearful I'll try to resolve my fears I start to create peace with myself I open myself to progress If I deny and disown my fears... I entertain fears I live life non authentically I don't appreciate life I don't open myself to more possibilities I keep this burning feeling into my abdomen I don't take actions I get discouraged easily If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll recognize that I'm suffering I'll feel my pain I can start resolving old traumas I'll share more about myself I'll accept being vulnerable I'll more easily let go of my pain If I deny and disown my pain... I entertain my pain I find life difficult I have difficulties going through my days I feel conflicted I feel tensions in my body I entertain tics and other parasite behaviors

09 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:40 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:55 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 12:24 AM - 12:51 AM I added a piece of code on a website Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 27 minutes Had a sleepless night that caused low motivation and inability to work properly and was also too interested in reading about certain topics. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 27 minutes, including 27 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

Masculine Energy https://wheelofwellbeing.com/the-power-of-energies/ How to Balance and Harmonize Masculine and Feminine Energies https://chopra.com/articles/how-to-balance-and-harmonize-masculine-and-feminine-energies Quality Articles: 9 Ways to Awaken the Divine Masculine Within You 8 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your Masculine Energy

Cravings I have difficulties dealing with my cravings, in particular with my masculine destructive energy. My sex drive has been pretty high lately, it caused my mind to be pretty agitated and contributed to some sleepless night. I fapped yesterday and fapped today too, it felt better, as if I was releasing a monster from my system. I would prefer to fap only one or two times per week, but it seems like this is not enough, maybe alternating between one fap day and one no-fap day would help. I also played GTA today in order to release this stage red masculine energy, it felt great.

The more you are conscious, the more people will hate you and will try to put you down.

Here's something that happened to me two times in the past. For a period of maybe ~2 years, I was pretty depressed and sometimes even a little suicidal. During these two years, I worked in two different offices as a software developer, they were mostly guys and only one or two girls. In each office, I got into a situation where I got publicly humiliated by another guy. The person would say a very short and dry sentence that would cut me into pieces and that I didn't need because I was already feeling very bad. When it happened, the other guys stayed neutral and didn't say anything but to my surprise each time the girl laughed out aloud. It blew me away because I thought girls would be offended and show compassion for me, but it wasn't the case. I currently have two theories that explain these situations: These girls were dysfunctional. Even if I got unfairly humiliated, even if I was depressed, even if the girls wouldn't like to be humiliated like that, and even if girls are naturally more caring and compassionate they couldn't resist and laughed because these kind of behaviors are typical male dominating behaviors that feminity is attracted to I currently think that the second point is more accurate. What do you think? Note aside: In my entire life, I never thought about humiliating someone who is in a bad position. I don't understand why someone would like to make someone else suffer like this.

Balance.

I need to concentrate on my work now, I'm spending way too much time learning about self-actualization and exploring cultural diversity through the internet. This is painful to do because this is what I enjoy the most, but it's not an appropriate long-term strategy. I need to stop wasting time and focus on doing the right thing at the right time.

@Leo Gura Lol. I just had the exact same thought and shared it in my journal a few minutes ago.

Any identity, no matter how small it is, is just fear and a facade from who we really are.

Cultures are more similar than we think, often time their differences are only facades that hides authenticity.

There's a lot of stage orange in Bollywood. This video is similar to rappers in the US who raps with dozen girls around them.

Looks like everyone is horny in this sub-forum.

Caught In Providence This channel is interesting. It contains short videos about people having their cases heard in Providence Municipal Court. It includes traffic, parking, and arraignments for criminal offenses.

08/03/2021 (Week 7) If I am more accepting of my fears... I'll recognize my fears I'll understand where my fears are coming from I'll experience my fears I'll face my fears I'll breathe deeply when faced with my fears I'll try to fix my fears I'll try to make peace with myself I'll try to make peace with others If I deny and disown my fears... I entertain my fears I create more fears I feel less natural I entertain this burning feeling in my chest and abdomen I get stuck in fears I don't make any progress in life I lose my self-control I live life dis-functionally If I were more accepting of my pain... I'll understand where my pain is coming from I'll accept to cry in order to release my pain I'll recognize that I'm not the only one in pain I'll accept to experience my pain to its fullest I'll try to understand that the ones responsible for my pain were feeling painful too I'll be able to progressively let go of my pain If I deny and disown my pain... I keep living with pain I forget the reason for my pain I entertain dysfunctions in my life I don't function properly I don't work properly I don't sleep properly I don't feel authentic I'm separated from myself

08 March 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:45 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 08:52 AM - 10:05 AM I worked on the interface separation of an admin panel. I did a lot of progress but had some intrusive thoughts Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 13 minutes 10:27 AM - 11:57 AM I completed the previous work and started to work on a dropdown to select categories Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes 01:34 PM - 03:22 PM I continued the work on the admin interface but also distracted myself a bit too much Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 48 minutes 03:30 PM - 04:35 PM I continued the previous work Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes Average Focus: 3.37 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 36 minutes, including 5 hours 36 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (I'm not reading anything currently)

@Keyhole Thank you. Yes, I'm in my early 20s, I'm not expecting people to be perfect anyway and no matter their age.

We we all die before societies move mostly into green, so for the moment we don't have any choice than dealing with low consciousness.

I think the general level of consciousness of an environment also matters. These environments were not highly conscious and mostly stage blue. What I noticed is that when red corrupts blue, even if blue hates red, it will start to follow it because blue is too afraid of red. I saw this with guys too when they are too afraid of red. So, yes, there's definitely different factors.

They looked amused.

These girls were normal stage blue girls. And yeah, I also think they laughed because it showed a "strong man" being masculine and just wanted to follow the masculine energy.

@Bando @Willie This thread is more about understanding some female reactions than me. Yeah, I think it was more a joke to them in a sense, but in another sense I think it was also voluntarily. I noticed that within guys when someone feels bad in life, at least 1 out of 10 guys (who will be a little more narcissistic) will start to pick on him and bully him, than the others will follow to not be seen as the weak bullied one. In one of the office, I consider that it was voluntarily because I got continually bullied there and the boss would be the bully in chief who would traumatize all employees.

Downright mean, but it also looks like it was funny for them. From one perspective it seemed like they didn't really understood how I felt, but at the same time these kind of stuff always happened to me when I felt bad in life. Similar things happened when I was a kid at school in moments where I suffered from a lot of depression. It looks like people don't like when someone feels bad and want to kill him with words.