Raphael

I think that everyone has at least a small unconscious kernel of racial bias. If you think you're clean, check yourself out.

12/04/2021 (Week 11) If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the success of my relationships... I'll bring more honesty to my relationships I'll be more vulnerable in my relationships I'll bring more understanding in my relationships I'll be more proactive in my relationships I'll be open in my relationships I'll try to find funny things to do with the people that I care about Sometimes I keep myself passive when I... let myself distracted wait for things to happen to me don't take responsibility refuse to dig into my traumas refuse to understand myself refuse to take actions refuse to push through difficulties don't discipline myself don't walk the talk Sometimes I make myself helpless when I... let myself being dragged down by negative thoughts close myself from myself avoid responsibility let my monkey mind take the control of the situation don't experience my emotions don't take actions I am becoming aware... that it's time to change that I can change by taking 100% responsibility that self-discipline and regularly are the keys to personal growth that creating a healthy life system will boost my chances of success that I can evolve that I often make excuses that I'm often fearful of success that I have an enormous potential that I have all the capacities to do what I want to do that I only need to take actions every day that I can change myself and change the world

12 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:08 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 01:22 PM - 05:07 PM I searched for jobs opportunities and sent a few proposals Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 45 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 09:39 AM - 10:42 AM I did a lot of research on how to deal with file upload Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes 11:02 AM - 12:17 AM I continued my work on file upload. I made a lot of progress Focus: 3.75/5 Duration: 1 hour 15 minutes 04:45 PM - 06:09 PM I continued working on the file upload. I decided to skip some details in order to go faster Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 24 minutes 07:34 PM - 08:13 PM I completed the Facebook file upload route Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 39 minutes @Raphael Good job. Average Focus: 3.55 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 6 minutes, including 4 hours 21 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

Thoughts?

11/04/2021 (Week 11) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... take responsibility to breathe properly take responsibility to declutter my mind through journaling push through difficulties discipline myself work with intense focus use my mind to better slice problems allow time for my cravings allow empty time to rest keep my mind as free as possible by avoiding distractions take responsibility to do one thing at the time take full responsibility to create results in my life take full responsibility to take full responsibility

Weekly Statistics (05 April 2021 - 11 April 2021) Total Working Hours 22 hours 39 minutes Average Focus 3.23 / 5

11 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:20 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:20 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 0 minutes)

Exploring Racial Biases: Black Africans Biases Foreword: I apologize in advance if anything hurt someone here. What Happened I noticed a few intrusive thoughts on black people in the past. It wasn't intense and I didn't have a lot of them, but I was surprised the first time. The first time that it happened was a few years ago, I caught myself and I was like "Wtf just happened? Why did I have this thought? What is happening? Am I becoming racist or what?" I also noticed several times feeling a bit of fear when a black person would approach me in the street or when seeing a picture of a black person. Experiences My experience with black people is a bit more limited than my experience with Indians or white people. Most black people that I met were just normal people, they were friendly and I had no particular issue with them. I can notably think of: A kid that I spent some time with in school A good friend who is actually mixed race (black/white) and who is now a photographer. He was always very friendly and kind A girl at school that I found pretty A pool supervisor that was very friendly A few other people that I met in college Someone that I worked with recently However, some experiences may have distorted my perception: When I was at school they were a big and muscular black guy who was a bully. I got a lot of mockery from him and even if I didn't have the physique I would confront him, but only verbally. One day I said that he was dumb in the classroom and in front of everyone, he then threatened me a bit after that and scared me. It almost went physical one time: I wasn't doing anything special but he put a biscuit on me, so I took it back and put it on him, he then got reactive and slapped me and break my glasses. It didn't go further than that. I wasn't the only person that didn't like him, in fact, many people didn't like him. I think he had an influence on me because we spent many years at the same schools and even in the same classes. One day I was walking with my four dogs. Only one dog was leashed and it was the biggest one. I kept the others unleashed because they were pretty small and I considered them harmless. At a moment, a black man appeared. As soon as he saw me, he took a big branch from the ground and kept it with him. I was a bit surprised and started to fix him in the eyes with a little of arrogance (I think I already had some small unconscious biases at that time). He told me to be careful with my dogs and to keep them away. I said something like: "You know if you take a branch with you...". I didn't have the time to finish, he shut me up very quickly and screamed at me that next time I should put a leash on all my dogs. I get it, he was afraid, but I still consider this overactive. I always found it ridiculous when people are afraid of dogs because it's this same fear that attracts them. Months ago, I had new blacks neighbors recently. The mom looks pretty narcissistic, it can easily happen that I hear her threatening her kids, insulting her kids, or beating her kids. When I take the bus, I see that black kids are often very agitated compared to other kids. Insults and vulgarities fly very easily. Of course, it also happens with other kids, but it seems to me that it happens more with black kids. Environmental Influence & Sense-Making I mentioned that before, my dad is extremely racist, especially against black people. I hear insults every day against these people and even sometimes wishes of death. Even if I live in an African country, there is a lot of racism directed towards black people. They aren't the majority in the country where I live and suffer from a huge traumatic background from centuries of oppression. This trauma gets passed from generation to generation and people have to deal with it which explains why they are fearful, agitated, and have more difficulties going through life. From 2015 to 2017, I studied in France. One thing that surprised me at first is how much sarcasm is used to talk about different groups of people. French people talk sarcastically about races every day. It happened to me to be called black, Muslim, or Indian depending on how they would perceive me. It seems that as a mixed-race person I'm not white enough to be considered white by white people. Personally, I didn't saw this as racism at first because I felt some joyful energy. I accepted it as being part of the culture and even had fun doing that with the people who did sarcastic comments on me. However, one experience made me question if there wasn't an unconscious root cause to that. In 2017, I became friend with someone who was an extreme left supporter and was all about equality for all and other stage green values. One day I told him that there was 99% of success at the final exam in my country and he seemed embarrassed. He asked me if the level was lower because in France it's not that high, then he recognized that it doesn't mean anything because I was doing well in the French settings. From what I know his parents were racists and in retrospect I think that he probably absorb some of it, but was ashamed of it and was hiding it behind stage green values. I think that there is a collective shadow within white people. I think that a certain number of people who defend equality for everyone do that because they are ashamed of some feelings and thoughts, and of course, some people do it without knowing the racist connotation because it's part of the culture. The constant use of sarcasm by some people as "it's funny, it's only a joke, it's not racist" hides a collective shadow from my perspective. And I think that I absorbed a bit of this collective shadow while living in France. Bias Formation I think that these small intrusive thoughts and fears that I experienced about black people got formed because: I got bullied by a black kid at school My dad is racist There is general racism towards black people around the world and I absorbed a bit of it When I feel some fear, it happens because it reminds me of the trauma of being bullied at school which gets amplified by general racism against black people. Letting Go I think I can let go of that by practicing forgiveness. I need to acknowledge and forgive: This black kid that bullied me when I was at school The racism of my dad The racism masqueraded behind sarcasm from French people The general racism against black people Me and my own intrusive thoughts and fears I also need to practice acceptance and spend more time with black people.

10/04/2021 (Week 11) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... take 100% responsibility for my life take responsibility to work with intense focus take responsibility to create and maintain a healthy systemic living system take responsibility for my sleep take responsibility to be more consistent with my work take responsibility to discipline myself take responsibility to attain my goals take responsibility to use my mind at its maximum take responsibility to fix my traumas take responsibility to have empty time to relax take responsibility to have some time for my cravings

10 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:10 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:40 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:00 AM - 10:10 AM I did research and tests on Facebook Publishing API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 10 minutes 10:34 AM - 12:08 AM I did a lot of progress on the publishing API Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes 01:05 PM - 02:10 PM I completed the publish to Facebook route Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes 02:16 PM - 02:54 PM I did some research and tests Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 38 minutes 04:40 PM - 06:13 PM I started to work on files upload but realized that a bit of my work is useless because I missed one important point Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 0 minutes, including 6 hours 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 55 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I remember Sadhguru saying that he only slept 2-3 hours/day for more than 20 years, but now becoming lazy and sleeping 4 hours lol. I think that this is a possibility for extremely advanced yogis, but not for me and not for most people. Personally, if I sleep less than 8 hours, I feel deprived, stressed, unmotivated, and cannot work properly. My ideal is between 8 to 9 hours/day. Edit: I didn't watch the video too, but I don't think that my opinion would change.

09/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... consuming high quality content related to what I need to attain my goals taking actions feeling my emotions disciplining myself staying focused caring about my health having time to relax being flexible and adaptable pushing through difficulties If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll sleep better I'll work better I'll have better focus I'll be more proactive I'll fix my traumas I'll move with ease in life If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I stay stuck I stay afraid I don't feel authentic I cannot make progress in life I'll let go of intrusive thoughts I cannot attain my goals I cannot self-actualize If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll be more consistent I'll push through difficulties I'll work with intense focus I'll make small progress everyday I'll use my mind better I'll enjoy the process If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I demotivate myself I let go of my goals I feel depressed I cannot more forward in life I avoid dealing with myself I avoid life

09 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:46 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today I choose to take time to reflect and introspect on some stuff, so I didn't work. Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I wanted to take a bit of time every day to contemplate things, but this is making me incredibly agitated. I can't stop having sleepless night and can't work properly. I feel a fear of being judged even if they aren't strong biases, but subtle ones. I think I'm going to slow down my work and throw everything out in a private journal. I will then share things gradually here.

A survival channel for INTPs.

Exploring Racial Biases: Groups Involved I noticed biases towards these people: Black Africans: I noticed a few highly subtle intrusive thoughts in the past and some small hints of fear when encountering a black person or seeing a picture of a black person. I think I mostly absorbed that from my dad. Indians: This is a reaction against my family who is pretty fucked up and a reaction against an oppressive past experience. However, I also noticed recurring patterns in Indian families that young Indian people are complaining about and I'm not sure if pointing out these patterns is necessarily racists. I will write detailed posts about these biases.

08/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... avoiding distractions letting go of compulsive thoughts being disciplined doing what needs to be done being honest with myself working to improve myself working with intense focus accept my flaws If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll let go of my biases I'll work better I'll deal better with life I'll open myself to progress I'll bring more acceptance to my life I'll be more efficient in life If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I don't feel happy I feel stuck I cannot attain my goals I lose control of my life I feel depressed I avoid my life I cannot move forward If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll have more focus when working I'll let my mind being empty from distractions when not working I'll try a find a small isolated office after the confinement I'll focus on my goals more I'll bring joy to working towards my goals I'll keep my goals in mind I'll be patient and kind because my goals will take time to attain I'll enjoy the process If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'm impatient I cannot attain my goals I don't focus properly I lose my motivation I distract myself all the time with the internet I cannot create a quality life I will become toxic

08 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:13 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:10 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:14 AM - 09:53 AM I worked on an API, but I'm pretty tired because of lack of sleep Focus: 3/5 Duration: 39 minutes 11:14 AM - 12:25 AM I continued the work on the API Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes 01:34 PM - 02:56 PM I tried to understand why the API didn't work. I made some progress Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes 05:07 PM - 06:29 PM I fixed the previous issue and did some research Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes Average Focus: 3.125 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 4 hours 34 minutes, including 4 hours 34 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective at least 45 minutes)

I need to stay aware that my experience is shaped by my personal background and my environment. The dynamics here aren't exactly the same as in the US or a white majority country, but they are definitely similarities.

Exploring Racial Biases: About Multiculturalism I am a product of multiculturalism, I was born in multiculturalism. The schools that I attended as a kid allowed me to meet a lot of people from diverse backgrounds. They are privileged schools at first where most of the white minority of the country study. White people don't frequent public schools that much here and are often isolated from the rest of the population. It felt a bit weird when I was a kid to see so many white people because most people around me were Indians, but I got accustomed to it. I think that maybe 70% of people were white and 30% of people were from other backgrounds, it gave me a good multicultural playground. Kids from all origins were mixing together, so in my experience racism didn't existed and was something from the past. It sounds silly now because my dad is extremely racist and in retrospect I think I can remember a few moments of small racism within kids, but they were very small.

07/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... having some time for my cravings healing my traumas giving myself love giving myself care doing what is necessary create and maintain a powerful life system working with high intensity being consistent being disciplined If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I'll work with more focus I'll take care of how I treat others I'll evolve much faster I'll enjoy the process I'll deal better with the challenges of life I'll have a better awareness I'll progressively get my shit together I'll do things smoothly If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I feel out of control I become more and more a victim I have terrible relationships I cannot make progress I don't feel natural and masculine I avoid my life I lose my potential If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll work with intense focus I'll have a better organization I'll work smoothly I'll tap more into my intuition I'll let my full potential show up I'll attain my goals faster I'll create a better quality life If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I stay stuck I feel miserable I lose my self-esteem I don't feel great I cannot self-actualize I cannot work properly I waste my life

07 April 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:46 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:45 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective 0 minutes) Total Reading Time: 0 minutes (objective 0 minutes)

@flume Thanks! Yeah, this book is really good. Almost all pages are filled with gold nuggets.

Exploring Racial Biases: Personal Background As I mentioned before I am a mixed-race individual, more precisely of Indian and French ancestry. My dad is a dark-skinned man of Indian ancestry and my mom is a white woman of French ancestry. What's interesting in this situation for me and my sister is that even if we have the same parents, my skin is rather light where my sister's skin is rather dark. My family is a bit sliced between two cultures and even more cultures if I take my extended family into consideration. However, my French side is shrinking as almost everyone from this side is dead now, where I have many uncles, aunts, and cousins from my Indian side. Overall I feel that I'm closer to my French side than my Indian side. I see a few reasons for this: Everyone at home speaks French. When my mom immigrated she didn't know the local language, but my dad knew French, so my parents always communicated in French around me. I went to private French schools, rather than public schools. So even if I live in an African country, I had a western French education I lived in France for a few years Concerning my Indian side... well I don't have a lot of things that I relate to. Sure most people in my country are of Indian ancestry and Indian culture is very present here. I can easily hear some Hindi or Bhojpuri (I'm not able to differentiate them though) on the radio, while watching TV, and just by walking in the street. I went to some ceremonies like marriages and prayers, I also have some people in my family who traveled to India and lived there. But even with all that, I don't really relate that much to this culture except maybe when it comes to some spiritual stuff. I also have a problem with languages. As people always spoke French around me and as I mostly had a French education, I never really learned to speak properly the local language. I understand it, I can speak it, but I make mistakes and have an accent which makes me uncomfortable. This caused me to be pretty alienated since a young age from the rest of society. Finally, things are getting weirder since I discovered actualized.org 5 years ago because I started to consume more and more English content to the point where almost everything that I read or listen to is in English and where my French is degrading.

06/04/2021 (Week 11) Self-responsibility to me means... taking care of my sleep taking care of my mental health taking care of my physical health resting properly working with intense focus being discipline taking all the necessary actions to attain my goals treating people decently treating myself decently If I take 5 percent more responsibility for my life and well-being... I will be more focused I'll work better I'll improve my health I'll improve my posture I'll put more healthy rules I'll improve myself faster I'll feel better If I avoid responsibility for my life and well-being... I waste time I don't feel good I stay stuck in a same state of mind that create unhappiness I don't grow up my health is degrading I don't work well I stay dependent on other people I cannot make enough money to build a quality life If I take 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I'll work with more focus I'll be more discipline I'll move forward faster I'll be smarter in my decisions I'll create the necessary relationships for the attainment of my goals I'll bring more joy in order to attain my goals If I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals... I always take more and more time I feel depressed I lose a bit of hope every day I cannot attain my goals I stay stuck in life I close myself from myself I close myself from becoming great