Raphael

Too Green for me.

Because by being alone someone doesn't get too much conditioned by society.

Looks like positive beliefs not aligned with material reality from my perspective. It's like being a work acholic and positively believing being able to work 70 hours / week for years without acknowledging that this is damaging the body. I think that many times the terms used on this forum are taken too literally. When sentences like "you are god", "you are infinity", "you are love", "life doesn't matter", "life is a dream", "everything is fine", "everything is perfect" are constantly repeated so much in a discussion space some people will start to take that literally and it will cause them problems in functioning in life. Truth is behind these words and these words are just words in the end and when taken too literally they become dangerous because they aren't the truth but only pointers. This is the same problem that all religions have, words are confused for the truth. Also, I noticed that this things happens much more often when the leader and the community use these terms over-assertively because it trigger emotions which then create belief systems. Something like that happened to me in the past with videos of Leo's that were more at stage orange. I consider that the over-assertive tone on videos like "How To Stop Being A Victim" or "How To Get Shit Done" contributed to one of my most traumatic period of my life.

22/05/2021 (Week 17) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... listen to my desires listen to my body admit having wants work for my wants do what I need to do to be happy take care of myself accept my high sensitivity to guide me through life

22 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:37 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Saturday) ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work (objective 0 minutes)

Are you having thoughts about having thoughts? About having thoughts? About having thoughts? About having thoughts... ?

I've been too stuck at the same place since two years now. I feel the need to move and travel again. I feel the need for novelty and the need to discover the world. However, the main issue that I'm facing is my family situation. My parents are old and we have animals to take care of. I cannot currently just change country without taking that into consideration. If I ever choose to move in the future, I will have to find a system to handle that. My dad will certainly cause some issues as usual because he doesn't trust anyone... So even if I find someone to take care of the house and the animals and if I pay for everything he will resist it unless he knows the person and already trust him/her... which is rare even for family members.

How we play the dream is important. Life is useless, yet we live it. The moments when I experienced the most happiness in life were when I excelled at playing the dream. My most depressing moments were when I was stuck thinking: "Nothing matters. Everything is the same, they are no meaning to life." Both sides of the paradoxes are true, yet integrating them is tricky. Being conscious that we create meaningless meaning (in the absolute) to have a meaningful life (relative to the condition of being human) is tricky. Often times being spiritual feels like living exactly at the intersection between life and death, yet many times we have to balance ourselves on the emotional scale to deal with the challenges of an imaginary precious life that doesn't matter in the end.

Not Solid I'm not solid anything. Not solid Red, nor Blue, nor Orange, nor Green, nor Yellow, nor Turquoise. It's better to not be solid anything. Being too stuck in one color causes an inability to deal with diverse challenges. I'm mostly at Orange/Green with some Yellow and some Blue. It's important to be honest about where we are life, rather than being obsessed with being this incredible stage Yellow thinker or this cutting-edge stage Turquoise saint.

I remember wanting to kill myself one day. I was trying to sleep, but couldn't. I wasn't making progress, nor making money, then this idea pops up in my head: "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF". It burst out of nowhere. It wasn't the first time that I had suicidal thoughts, but it was a bit stronger than usual (I never had strong suicidal thoughts in my life, but just small ones). I got out of my bed and felt the need to kill myself, to jump out of the stairs, or to take a knife. It was my ego coming back in this difficult situation, it wanted to kill itself because it was suffering too much. But the ego is inauthentic, the ego is not the true self who wants to be delighted from living an authentic life. I came back to reason a few seconds later, I thought: "No, no, no, no, no, no. Something is wrong here. This is fine, this is fine, this is life, I want to live a deep conscious life. I want to be happy.". I took some deep breaths and went back to bed to sleep. The recent suicide from a member of this community made me think of this.

21/05/2021 (Week 17) If I were 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings... my deepest yearnings would reveal themselves I'll be more motivated to work for my deepest yearnings I'll feel more authentic I'll try to find a conscious relationship I'll work with high focus I'll let go of unauthentic needs caused by the need of fitting in society my life would have more meaning If I take more responsibility for fulfilling my wants... I'll work better I'll let myself be I'll assert more myself in life I'll be more able to fulfill my wants my wants would be more authentics my life would be more joyful If I make my happiness a conscious goal... I'll do things that make me happy every day I'll let go of unnecessary thoughts I'll relax more I'll breathe properly I'll seek new experiences my life would be easier I'll take care of my sleep I'll take care of my health I'll continue building healthy habits that make me happy

21 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:57 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: ~ PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:16 AM - 10:16 AM I started to deal with Instagram API limitations on the backend. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 10:31 AM - 12:59 AM I continued the work on Instagram limitations. I had some weird thoughts that I'm not going to reveal because they were too weird lol. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 28 minutes 01:09 PM - 02:40 PM I continued the work to deal with Instagram limitations. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 31 minutes 04:17 PM - 05:44 PM I completed the work on the API concerning Instagram limitations. I uploaded the changes on the development server. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes 07:23 PM - 07:59 PM I did small fixes on some small web apps Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 36 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 2 minutes, including 6 hours 2 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

@soos_mite_ah I really appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

20/05/2021 (Week 17) If I were 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings... I'll admit wanting a deep meaningful intimate relationship my life would have more meaning I'll go through my days with more joy I'll let go of unauthentics desire backed by the need to conform society I'll be more connected to my true self I'll be more enthusiastic I'll be more motivated by work I'll be more strict regarding how I spend my time If I take more responsibility for fulfilling my wants... I'll let go of the shame of having wants I'll be focused in the moment to attain my long term wants I'll be properly discipline: work with focus with proper break time my happiness would increase the quality of my life would increase I'll tell the people that I appreciate that I love them I'll acknowledge my want to be social I'll work to fix my social anxiety If I make my happiness a conscious goal... I'll let myself feel how I want to feel I'll relax my body I'll breathe properly I'll let go of unneeded thoughts I'll live with more integrity I'll be open to constructive criticism that can help me growth I'll enjoy life more I'll take things less seriously

20 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:37 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:16 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 12:53 PM - 01:29 PM I had a call with a client. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 32 minutes 01:36 PM - 02:38 PM I fixed an issue, started to do some code review, then noticed things that I forgot in the code. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes 07:22 PM - 07:51 PM I completed a code review and updated the API on the server. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 29 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 09:18 AM - 08:23 AM I worked on a cron function. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 5 minutes 10:41 AM - 11:57 AM I did more work on the cron and also worked on data deletion. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes 04:24 PM - 06:11 PM I improved some small web apps. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 47 minutes Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 11 minutes, including 4 hours 8 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

Regarding that, I feel like this is the case with people who have a minimum openness for novelty, a minimum self-awareness, and can have an outside look on themselves. In my experience, it has been very difficult to open about myself without getting made fun of, criticized, or attacked. For example, some people criticized me just for eating vegetarian. When they are too deeply immersed in their cultural environment this is very difficult to introduce new ideas. Also, I noticed that moving up a spiral stage is rare, most of the time self-growth happens horizontally within a stage.

19/05/2021 (Week 17) If I were 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings... I would be more connected to my deepest yearnings my yearnings would be more authentics I would be more aware of my deepest yearnings my purpose would be more connected to my deepest yearnings my life would have more meaning I would be more motivated to work I would be more disciplined If I take more responsibility for fulfilling my wants... I'll recognize having wants I would feel less needy going through my days would be more enjoyable I would feel happier I'll work better as a hole I'll be truer to myself I'll take to make at least one authentic friendship If I make my happiness a conscious goal... I'll be a bit crazy everyday I'll let myself be I'll let go of thoughts that don't serve me I'll continue fixing my traumas I'll breathe properly I'll open up instead of hiding I'll focus on things that make me happy

19 May 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:40 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 08:19 AM - 09:42 AM I started doing some improvements on my backend API, then got a call from a new client. I felt uncomfortable because clients don't usually find me from my website and call me directly. My social anxiety kicked in in this situation. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 23 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 11:11 AM - 12:06 AM I took some time to check out a function. I have another function to verify. These functions really need to work properly, otherwise, it could cause some issues to clients and damage the business. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 55 minutes 01:07 PM - 02:50 PM Looks like this function is working well too. It wasn't that focused during this session. I just hope that I will not have any performance issues the day it will be deployed. Focus: 3/5 Duration: 1 hour 43 minutes 04:04 PM - 05:19 PM I worked again on the previous function. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 15 minutes 05:28 PM - 06:03 PM I started to work on a new cron function. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 25 minutes Average Focus: 3.4 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 5 hours 41 minutes, including 4 hours 18 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

Thanks.

Just to say, I read your journal sometimes and I find you very impressive and inspirational. You're doing much better than me when I was around your age! I'm jealous to be honest lol

@StarStruck In my opinion, even if many things are now outdated, the colors still looks much more natural than any games that I saw.

I think that I have shadows at all stages.