Raphael

Alright, things are feeling better... much better...

Hey, awesome post! I'm curious about something: have you read Thinking in Systems: International Bestseller and/or The Tao of Systems Thinking: Exploring the Parallels Between Eastern Mysticism and Systems Thinking? If yes, would you recommend reading them after The Systems View of Life?

I didn't expected this ego to be still there but I'm currently sorting that out.

I didn't expected to grow so much from all this chaos.

I didn't expected to start entering Turquoise now at 24 (25 in a few months) even though I'm conscious that some base issues have to be sort out.

I didn't expected to start entering Yellow when I was only 20 - 21.

I didn't expected to be so dumb and make some of the mistakes that I made, but that's life we all made mistakes from time to time.

After 4 years of chaos (especially between mid 20 to mid 23), things are finally getting together. I really didn't expected these last years to be so chaotic: I didn't expected to be bullied in work environments I didn't expected to work as an undeclared worker I didn't expected to have so little money to survive I didn't expected my boss to tell me that he would have to reduce my salary when I asked him to be declared (even though he found an alternative solution later but didn't took action on it as I quit my job because I was getting bullied) I didn't expected to have so little freedom of speech I didn't expected to work with adults that were so unstable, so jealous, and so afraid of everything I didn't expected to have my need for visibility and emotional needs so little fulfilled by other adults when I was between 20 - 22 I didn't expected to be shamed to try to make things better I didn't expected to almost kill myself through overwork I didn't expected to have panic attacks I didn't expected as a mixed race person to find myself at the intersection of cultures and not be able to explain what I was able to see to others I didn't expected to get the most racism that I got in my entire life from the people of my own country and with similar origins I didn't expected my self-esteem to be so low that I let myself to be exploited by people from all over the world I didn't expected to witness the explosions of rage of my grandma and didn't know how to handle her as I was traumatized I didn't expected to have to wake up every ~2 hours for a few days to take my grandma to the bathroom because she couldn't walk after falling down in the stairs I didn't expected my grandpa to die even though that was predictable I didn't expected my grandma to die this month even though that was predictable I think I will be able to sort out the most important emotional blockages in the next 6 months. Everything will start to get together in 2022.

After 4 years of chaos (especially between mid 20 to mid 23), things are finally getting together. I really didn't expected these last years to be so chaotic: I didn't expected to be bullied in work environments I didn't expected to work as an undeclared worker I didn't expected to have so little money to survive I didn't expected my boss to tell me that he would have to reduce my salary when I asked him to be declared (even though he found an alternative solution later but didn't took action on it as I quit my job because I was getting bullied) I didn't expected to have so little freedom of speech I didn't expected to work with adults that were so unstable, so jealous, and so afraid of everything I didn't expected to have my need for visibility and emotional needs so little fulfilled by other adults when I was between 20 - 22 I didn't expected to be shamed to try to make things better I didn't expected to almost kill myself through overwork I didn't expected to have panic attacks I didn't expected as a mixed race person to find myself at the intersection of cultures and not be able to explain what I was able to see to others I didn't expected to get the most racism that I got in my entire life from the people of my own country and with similar origins I didn't expected my self-esteem to be so low that I let myself to be exploited by people from all over the world I didn't expected to witness the explosions of rage of my grandma and didn't know how to handle her as I was traumatized I didn't expected to have to wake up every ~2 hours for a few days to take my grandma to the bathroom because she couldn't walk after falling down in the stairs I didn't expected my grandpa to die even though that was predictable I didn't expected my grandma to die this month even though that was predictable I think I will be able to sort out the most important emotional blockages in the next 6 months. Everything will start to get together in 2022.

I see myself everywhere on this forum: the worst parts of myself are on this forum, my insecurities are on this forum, my best parts are on this forum, and my full potential is on this forum. My goal is to make peace with all of you.

@Etherial Cat Ces derniers temps j'ai commencé à remarquer des parties de moi un peu partout que ce soit IRL ou sur ce forum et j'essaie de les intégrer à chaque fois que ça arrive. J'ai plus de facilités à voir à travers les gens et j'ai l'impression que j'arrive à voir à travers certaines de tes expériences. Je retiens également les personnes avec qui j'ai des expériences similaires sur ce forum. Est-ce que tout ça résonne avec toi : Société d'origine hyperdisciplinée : ça t'a causé une certaine aversion au travail, à la discipline, et à l'organisation Père absent et instable : ça t'a causé une méfiance du genre masculin Origines métissées : tu t'es sentie très différente très jeune et tu avais l'impression de ne pas avoir ta place. Je suppose que ça t'est déjà arrivée par le passé d'être embêtée qu'on te demande tes origines ou qu'on assume des choses sur toi. Tu as peut-être même décidé de ne pas d'avoir d'identité sans te rendre compte que ce choix était aussi une identité ? ?

J'aime bien cette idée, je pense que je vais essayer de faire ça aussi.

TODO: Acknowledge how I function.

It happen at the end of each year.

I basically have an existential crisis every year since the past 4 years.

My true personality is coming back to the surface. I can feel it happening.

It will look like a resurrection.

Everything will merge together: Masculinity and Femininity The Man inside me and the Woman inside me The Right Brain and the Left Brain The Logical and the Emotional Emotional Expression and Emotional Suppression Being and Doing Knowing and Not Knowing Understanding and Not Understanding Making Meaning and Not Making Meaning Survival and Spirituality Individuality and Collectivism Education and Non-Education East and West And much more... How will it look like?

When the most important base issues will be sort out, everything will start to merge together.

You can enjoy life by doing what you want and gain experiences. A lot of diverse experiences will develop you and make you so attractive that girls will become automatically attracted to you... Also... you will stop caring about good looking guys like me

The problem though with the masculine energy of my dad is that it is so strong that it can take the entire fucking world with it. However, I have it within me as I came from my dad. I want to learn to carefully calibrate this energy... I want to learn to calibrate it with care... I want to learn to calibrate it with the care of my mom because she is the most caring person that I know...

There's another part of me that I repressed and this part is the masculine. But if I repressed the feminine how did I also repress the masculine? Because: the masculine and the feminine always go together. I had very poor masculine examples while growing up so poor that I told myself that I would not be part of that. However, by doing that I also repressed my masculinity. My dad is one of the most hyper-masculine man that can exist whereas my mom is one of the most hyper-feminine women that can exist. I came from both of them, I see the potential to be perfectly balanced between masculinity and femininity and think that I will be able to do it.

This is complicated...

Let's see how that goes...