Raphael

16/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would love me he would trust me he would open to me he would show his vulnerabilities he would be more joyful he would be happier If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would feel understood he would be less angry he would be less anxious he would felt more secure he would open up he would be more motivated he would have more courage he would work with me If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would trust me more they would felt understood they would follow me more we would all walk together holding each other hands they would trust me more in challenging times they would see me as good If I could hold my child-self in my arms... I would reassure him I would give him love he would feel more comfortable with me he would feel protected he would feel nurtured we would deepen our connection he would express himself more If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would feel supported he would feel reassured we would deepen our connection he would be less angry he would feel less alone he would open up to me he would share his anxieties he would share his doubts we would start to work together to improve ourselves If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... we would better communicate together we would better work together they would love me back we would feel more like a single organism perfectly working together we would understand ourselves much better our relationship would progress

16 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:00 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:36 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:06 AM - 12:17 AM I did some progress on video upload. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:44 PM - 02:49 PM I did some progress in handling video limitations. I had many unrelated thoughts. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:38 PM - 06:17 PM I did some checks, responded to a client, and worked on an interactive map. Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Average Focus: 3.58 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

A Few Thoughts On My Social Anxiety I got a few new thoughts on that. The thing is that it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. I can easily feel when people are open/close minded, so when I feel close-mindedness I tend to avoid conversations because I know that a lot of projections and judgments will come. I noticed my social anxiety varying depending on my environment. I live in a mostly stage blue country and it's very difficult for me to communicate with people without them getting triggered, where when I lived in Europe in the past I felt more able to open up because I met people at orange/green. I, therefore, became more social and had more easily nice conversations. As an example, I was seeing a psychologist a few years ago and as soon as I entered the room I felt some closed-mindedness and subconscious judgments in her even if I didn't know her that much. Some sessions later she told me that some people don't even believe in God which confirmed my feelings... lol. In comparison when I talk to Nahm I feel that it's much easier to open up even when I feel some resistance. I personally really enjoy the conversations with Nahm and could talk for hours with him because I'm learning a lot. Lastly, my teenage years have been pretty rough. I had enormous self-esteem issues between 13 to 18. I spent a lot of time isolated because I wouldn't trust people and because I would get bullied (mostly psychologically). Even now at 24, I feel that these years still have an influence on how I perceive the world. I see that I more distrust than trust people and see them as "bad". I also see that sometimes I don't open up to some nice people that could be great friends because I self-identify as being socially anxious which is a mistake because I can have great conversations when I just do the effort to push through it at the beginning. So... I can be social and have nice conversations, thoughtful conversations, deep conversations but it really depends on the people that I'm dealing with. When I find open-minded people, I just need to push through my comfort zone to build momentum. I also think that I can work on Spiral Wizardry skills to be better able to communicate with stage orange, blue, and red but it will always be limited because these stages aren't my center of gravity. I can learn to put myself into lower stages, but temporarily when I want to learn about them or when it's necessary, it won't be how I'll live most of my life.

I need some opinions here. I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family. My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members. When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older. I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

@mivafofa No, at least not for the moment. @BlackMaze Thanks for your advice. Yeah, cold showers are awesome. Also, this is a weird thing that I discovered recently but screaming in a pillow when having thoughts storms clears the mind very quickly.

@mandyjw @DIDego @Rajneeshpuram I got a lot of good answers previously but they unfortunately got deleted since the data loss. Also, an incident happened just after I created this thread that is now allowing me to move out with more peace of mind. Thanks for your answers.

Structural Change + New Metric: Progress So... I have been tracking my work habit for a bit more than one year now and I got results: I can work for longer hours and can also focus better. I now want to make a few changes here. The issue that I see is that I often focus more on the hours that I put in rather than making progress in the work. What I care about is the result that I create while working, not the number of hours that I put in so I'm going to focus less on the time spend and more on the progress. I'm going to stop tracking my hours and I'm going to add a new metric called "Progress". This metric is an indication of how much progress I make during a work session. I sometimes noticed myself spending a lot of time turning into circles in order to convince myself that I'm actually making progress, where this is not the case. This new metric will help me acknowledging if I'm actually making real progress or just fooling myself. It has 5 levels: Very Low Progress Low Progress Normal / Average Progress Good Progress A lot of Progress

15 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:13 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 02:16 PM - 02:55 PM I updated some data and uploaded the app file to make some tests. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Deep Work Sessions: 04:46 PM - 06:19 PM I did some work on handling video upload. Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 I didn't sleep the night because I had to take care of grandma again. An ambulance came today to take her to the hospital. This day was pretty agitated and I didn't work that much. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Structural Change + New Metric: Progress So... I have been tracking my work habit for a bit more than one year now and I got results: I can work for longer hours and can also focus better. I now want to make a few changes here. The issue that I see is that I often focus more on the hours that I put in rather than making progress in the work. What I care about is the result that I create while working, not the number of hours that I put in so I'm going to focus less on the time spend and more on the progress. I'm going to stop tracking my hours and I'm going to add a new metric called "Progress". This metric is an indication of how much progress I make during a work session. I sometimes noticed myself spending a lot of time turning into circles in order to convince myself that I'm actually making progress, where this is not the case. This new metric will help me acknowledging if I'm actually making real progress or just fooling myself. It has 5 levels: Very Low Progress Low Progress Normal / Average Progress Good Progress A lot of Progress

15/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... he would express himself he would feel more secure he would express more joy he would be more functional he would be happier he would be more curious he won't take things too seriously he would not take seriously serious things he would take seriously non-serious things he would take serious things seriously he would not take seriously non-serious things If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... he would be more motivated he would show his desire to improve he would open up emotionally he would respect me more he would better trust me he would like me he would be less depressed he would be less angry If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... they would trust me more they would open up to me they would work with me they would be happier they would feel understood they would feel less isolated they would share more about themselves If I could hold my child-self in my arms... he would feel protected he would feel supported I'll deepen my connection with my child-self he would feel nurtured he would become more comfortable with touch he would feel loved If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... he would feel understood he would feel like his voice has been heard he would be happier he would enjoy life he would open up a bit more he would be less rebellious If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... I'll feel more in touch with myself my younger selves would work together I'll feel holier my younger selves would express themselves healthily my younger selves would love me back everyone would grow enormously: my child self, my teenage self, and my adult self

14/06/2021 (Week 21) If my child-self felt accepted by me... He would express more joy He would not be afraid of its creativity He would felt secure He would be nurtured He would say random stupid things He would explore life more He would self-express his craziness If my teenage-self felt I was on his/her side... He would be more motivated He would push through challenges He would felt less alone He would be happier He would felt some comfort He wouldn't be that rebellious If my younger selves felt I had compassion for their struggles... They would feel understand They would like me more They would trust me more They would give me their hands They won't be afraid of me They would walk the path of life with me If I could hold my child-self in my arms... My child-self would feel protected I'll nurture my child-self My child-self would get the security that he needs My child-self would feel understood My child-self would develop more I'll felt more responsible for my child-self My child-self would feel at peace with me If I could hold my teenage-self in my arms... My teenage-self would be less angry My teenage-self would feel supported I could be a good parent of myself I'll give my teenage-self the love that he needs I'll give my teenage-self the containment that he needs I'll develop an healthy relationship with my teenage self If I had the courage and compassion to embrace and love my younger selves... I'll be an healthy parent of myself I'll make peace with some parts of me We would walk the path of life happier together I'll feel holier I'll understand myself better We would all cry together I'll tell them that it's OK to be how they are They would love me back I would feel more love in my life and have more courage

13/06/2021 (Week 20) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... listen to my child self listen to my teenage self dive deep into my childhood to understand what I missed understand the kid inside me express my child self express my teenage self take responsibility to communicate with myself

12/06/2021 (Week 20) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... express my child self express my teenage self try to understand my child self try to understand my teenage self fulfill the needs of my child self and teenage that were unfulfilled nurture the kid inside me love the kid inside me

I'm going to block this forum and only allow the Journal section where I will continue to report my progress. I have too many thoughts that aren't aligned and are competing with what I'm currently working on in my life. Many of these thoughts come from this place as I'm addicted to reading the discussions. I didn't sleep in the last 2 days because I had take care of grandma. I often had to take her to the toilet during the nights because she couldn't walk since she fall. An ambulance came this morning to take her to the hospital. She should be transferred to a retirement house soon. After the transfer I'll move out of this house. They are too much noises around me, I'm often interrupted, this is affecting my work and my ability to focus on personal development. I need to detox from this environment, I'll find a calm place for myself. I prefer to be all alone than in a annoying environment.

Is It Too Immoral to Break with my Family in this Situation? I need some opinions here. I'm 24 years old, I work from home and live with my family. I make enough money to sustain myself so I can move out if I want, but I only have some concerns when it comes to my family. My grandma is 90 years old, she is blind, cannot hear, cannot move properly, has lost most of her mental faculties, and she from time to time explode in emotional crisis. My mom is the one who takes care of her most of the time. My dad is a 70 years old racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. man who speaks loudly all the time, gives a lot of orders, and insults everyone all day long. It's not possible to rationalize with him. My mom is a 66 years old woman and the only sane person but I see that my grandma and my dad are draining her emotionally. We have animals: hens and four dogs. There's a lot of noise every day as we live close to the street, as we have animals, and as my dad is very loud and doesn't respect the need for silence for other members. When it comes to me, I most of the time self-isolate in my room to avoid the drama and provide a bit of help when it comes to the animals. I'm personally very sensitive to noises and I'm really starting to get sick of this situation and feel the need to move out. But at the same time, I feel that I have a bit of collective responsibility. My parents aren't going to die if I move out, they are just going to get a bit more work. They have the money that they need, so they aren't big financial issues, but they are old and getting older. I understand the necessity to help each other and take care of each others, but there's a difference between living in a dysfunctional environment and helping dysfunctional people. Sometimes, I feel that all these stage Green values are going to fly out the window and that I'm going to run out of this house. I currently feel the need to become ultra selfish, care only about myself, and let my family fall down.

I thought I'll make it, but it looks like it's not going to be the case. I'm probably going to take a financial penalty but I should be able to handle it. It feels relieving to know that, I'm learning my lesson.

11/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... random things that he wants to discover the world that he wants to succeed in life that he likes art that he would like a great dad that he likes to be like an adult nothing If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would be angry he would insult people he would be rebellious he would socially isolate he would feel depressed he would hate the world he would feel hopeless he would be very insecure because of his body If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he wants love that he wants to be taken seriously that he doesn't like to be bullied or humiliated that he is afraid of people that he is afraid of being assaulted that he wants to be alone nothing At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I think I can nurture the kid inside me that hasn't been nurtured enough I think that I can improve my happiness I can grow up a lot I can improve the relationship that I have with myself I feel like an adult helping a kid I feel responsible At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... I can reduce bitterness in myself I can make peace with myself I can make peace with people who hurt me I can accept myself I can reduce social anxiety I can reduce hate of people I can become more social I can recover from school bullying If I could make friends with my younger selves... I would feel holier I'll feel more authentic I'll open up more to people I would be less annoyed by people I'll feel nurtured I'll appreciate my life more

11 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:11 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:00 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 04:19 PM - 06:01 PM I worked on an interactive map and completed the form for the Return of Income, but I might get a financial penalty Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 42 minutes 07:15 PM - 07:26 PM I just did a few verifications. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 11 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 01:23 PM - 02:41 PM I did a lot of improvements on an interactive map. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Very bad night of sleep again. I couldn't work properly. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 3 hours 11 minutes, including 1 hour 18 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

10/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... scream express joy say crazy things ask as many questions as he wants ask why his dad is always so angry say how curios he is share his discoveries If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would be angry he would listen to him first he would repress emotions he would hide vulnerabilities he would hide from people he would be depressed he would be sad If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he wants attention that he doesn't like to be mistreated that he feels alone that he feels disconnected from everyone that he hates himself that he feels inferior that he wants to be the best At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I feel that I can nurture myself I feel that I can grow a lot I feel that I can become more authentic I feel that I can be more sensitive I feel that I can bring back my creativity I can help myself At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... I can understand his frustrations I can understand my frustrations I can solve my frustrations I can understand myself better I can understand what I want in life I will be able to fix some of my shadows If I could make friends with my younger selves... I improve my relationship my myself I would become more authentic I'll solve conflicts within myself My self-esteem would raise I'll be more joyful I'll feel more at peace

10 June 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:02 AM (objective 5:30 AM - 6:00 AM) In Bed Time: 09:36 PM (objective 9:00 PM - 9:30 PM) ❌ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:17 AM - 10:44 AM I still dealing with the law and accounting. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 27 minutes 11:10 AM - 12:14 AM I still dealing with the law and accounting. I also made another call to the revenue authority, it was nice to speak with this lady, she was very friendly. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes 01:10 PM - 01:47 PM I started searching for documents for the accountant. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 37 minutes 02:00 PM - 02:47 PM I completed the preparation of the documents for the accountant. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 47 minutes Deep Work Sessions: 04:34 PM - 06:07 PM I worked on an interactive map. I wasn't fully focused because I was listening to things in the background, but the task was simple so I handled it. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes 07:24 PM - 08:01 PM I worked on this map again. Focus: 3.5/5 Duration: 37 minutes Really difficult day which started out with a very bad night. I was very stressed concerning finances and my declaration of revenues, I couldn't sleep properly and wake up late. I choose that I will minimize reducing my sleep as much as I can so that I can still work properly. Sleep is so important. Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Total Work Duration: 6 hours 5 minutes, including 2 hours 9 minutes of Deep Work (objective at least 6 hours)

It can also be Superman or Iron Man.

I should have seriously inform myself about the law and should have seriously educate myself on accounting.

I'm going to die.

It's really impossible to not hurt anybody in life even while trying to formulate things the most politely possible. Someone will always take things too personally.

09/06/2021 (Week 20) If the child in me could speak, he would say... that he likes to laugh for no reason that he likes to play that he likes to discover life that he wants more affection from his dad that he wants to feel safe that he likes his mom that he likes being crazy If the teenager I once was still exists inside me... he would want to prove himself he would be frustrated he would want to be free he would want more independence he would repress his emotions he wouldn't show what he wants he would be ashamed of himself he would be ashamed of his body If my teenage-self could speak he would say... that he doesn't like being controlled a lot of insults that he doesn't like life that he wants to be the best that he doesn't care about others that he doesn't need people At the thought of reaching back to help my child-self... I feel I can make peace with disowned parts of myself I feel I can nurture myself I feel I can improve my life I feel I can be a good parent of myself I feel responsible I feel happy to reconnect with myself I feel that I can grow a lot At the thought of reaching back to help to teenage-self... my teenage self would start to like himself my teenage self would feel less isolated I feel empower I feel that I can empower my teenage-self I feel that I can grow a lot I feel that I can fix repressed emotions I feel that I can fix repressed anger I feel that I can fix repressed sadness I feel that I can fix repressed feeling of unfairness I feel that I can fix my shyness If I could make friends with my younger selves... I would grow a lot my younger selves would work with me my younger selves would be happier my younger selves would express themselves healthily I'll feel more at peace I'll feel more acceptance I'll love myself more I'll radiate more love I'll be more authentic I'll be more connected with myself