Raphael

I feel some unconscious belief within me telling me that I can't succeed. Every time that I'm making good progress, this is coming back and dragging me down. I need to analyze that. I feel that this is related to my dad.

15/07/2021 (Week 25) Sometimes when I am afraid I... feel burning sensations in my body lose my capacities get paralyzed hide try to go too fast lose my focus don't want to work Sometimes when I am hurt I... feel sensations in my chest try to hide it try to avoid it isolate close myself repress my pain Sometimes when I am angry I... become mean lose my ability to work try to hide it become irresponsible don't want to show myself don't want to show it An effective way to handle fear might be to... feel it observe it analyze it confront it scream in a pillow breath deeply An effective way to handle hurt might be to... cry scream in a pillow analyze it breath deeply try to find its source understand how it is created An effective way to handle anger might be to... scream in a pillow run punch in a pillow understand how it is created feel it deeply breath deeply

15 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:24 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:15 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:04 AM - 10:36 AM I responded to a client, uploaded some files on a server, made a call to the revenue authority, and changed some settings on AWS. Duration: 32 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 10:47 AM - 12:21 PM I worked on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 03:43 PM - 04:34 PM I continued the work on the small web app. I still have parasite thoughts from difficult past experiences that come back from time to time. Duration: 51 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:50 PM - 05:51 PM I did more work on this app. Duration: 1 hour 1 minute Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 09:05 PM - 10:23 PM More work on the same web app. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 3.5/5 I'm getting back in shape. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 16 minutes, including 4 hours 44 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.56 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

I got hated many times in the past for no apparent reason. I would sometimes sit quietly alone and be with my thoughts and people would hate me just for that. I remember meeting my cousin's daughter one day... and she punched me. She was maybe 4 years old, she didn't know anything about me nor did I about her. When I was a kid (maybe 8 years old), I was walking in the school when two boys attacked me. One of them grabbed me from behind while the other was trying to grab my feet. I remember saying "BEAT HIM! BEAT HIM! BEAT HIM!"... for what reason? For walking? Really? I barely knew these kids, I barely even talked to them, yet they hated me and attacked me anyway. I remember being scared and screaming as loud as I could so that they let me go. They let me go in the end without actually beating me. Experiences like this contributed to me being socially anxious. It contributed to me being very suspicious and skeptical of everyone, to not trusting anyone, to not taking anyone seriously, to be very careful with people, to me wanting to avoid people at all costs because people hate me just for existing.

The most annoying thing that I experienced in my entire life is dumb people trying to teach me some lessons.

14/07/2021 (Week 25) Sometimes when I am afraid I... want to go fast am less focused feel some burning sensations in my body over-dramatize things click around on the internet feel paralyzed Sometimes when I am hurt I... try to hide it refuse to feel it am ashamed of feeling it entertain sadness feel it in my chest minimize it Sometimes when I am angry I... become mean hide have difficulties to work repress it don't know what to do fake being ok An effective way to handle fear might be to... talk about it write about it scream in a pillow feel it observe it carefully breath deeply An effective way to handle hurt might be to... feel it cry write about it open myself to people seek help accept it understand it breath deeply An effective way to handle anger might be to... scream in a pillow punch in a pillow try to find the source of repressed anger run as fast as I can dance write about it feel it in my body breath deeply

14 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:37 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:46 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 09:51 AM - 09:57 AM I just uploaded a few files. Duration: 6 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:37 AM - 12:45 AM I worked on a web app. I created a new component. Duration: 1 hour 8 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:04 PM - 02:46 PM I continued the work on the small web app. Duration: 42 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:35 PM - 05:22 PM This problem with my ear is really annoying. The entire left side of my head is feeling it. It's quite difficult to work. Duration: 47 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Had difficulties working today too because of this health issue. Total Work Duration: 1 hour 43 minutes, including 1 hour 37 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Maybe I'll save the world one day if I don't get too lazy.

My brain is shifting again. After feeling like a girl recently, I now start to feel like a ruthless man again.

I feel some stage Red impurities within me.

13/07/2021 (Week 25) Sometimes when I am afraid I... am paralyzed lose the capacity to work properly feel burning sensations in my body procrastinate watch dumb videos on Youtube compulsively click on the internet Sometimes when I am hurt I... hide close myself isolate don't share become less authentic don't want to show myself Sometimes when I am angry I... become mean repress it don't want to show it try to do things fast isolate stress An effective way to handle fear might be to... scream in a pillow shake my body feel it let myself be fearful breath deeply observe it carefully An effective way to handle hurt might be to... talk about it feel it cry write about it observe it experience it An effective way to handle anger might be to... scream in a pillow to punch in a pillow talk about it write about it run shake my body play some violent video game

13 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:57 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:02 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:42 AM - 12:58 AM I worked on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 01:58 PM - 02:31 PM Continued the work on the small web app, got a bug. Duration: 33 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:32 PM - 06:05 PM More work on the same web app. I felt a bit of sadness while working. Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 07:51 PM - 09:03 PM More work on the web app. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 09:09 PM - 10:17 PM More work on the web app. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 I'm switching from 1 hour of meditation in the morning to 45 minutes. I went to the doctor this morning for my ear. He gave me some medications. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 50 minutes, including 5 hours 50 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.55 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

About Genders Perceptual Discrepancies: Physical Appearance Nothing shows best the perceptual discrepancies on physical appearance between the two genders than these videos. The feminine always tries to find beauty in everything through small details and subtleties and has a lot of compassion for people who don't fit typical norms. The masculine on the other side is way more objectifying.

Emotions Emotions are so little talked about, even on this forum which is surprising. The stage Green emotional component is often lacking in this place and lacking in Leo's videos. Very few of his videos talk about emotions, yet we live with them all the time. What is sadness? What is anger? What is embarrassment? What is compassion? What is joy? What is fear? What is anxiety? What is contentment? What is excitement? What is peace? What is bliss? What are all of these emotions? Why do they exist? What is their purpose? How do they work? Understanding all of this is very important for a fulfilling life.

12/07/2021 (Week 25) Sometimes when I am afraid I... hide shutdown isolate watch porn watch dumb youtube videos compulsively scroll through the actualized.org forum feel paralyzed Sometimes when I am hurt I... feel my heart rate increasing hide it and it gets transformed into sadness isolate don't share don't want to show it don't want to experience it Sometimes when I am angry I... become mean to people want to do things fast lack common sense don't want to listen to anyone make mistakes repress it An effective way to handle fear might be to... experience it fully scream in a pillow to breath deeply allow myself to be vulnerable feel it try to understand its source An effective way to handle hurt might be to... open about it to people feel it cry allow myself to be vulnerable forgive acknowledge it An effective way to handle anger might be to... shout it out scream in a pillow speak about it with people breath deeply do breathwork accept it

12 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:07 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:37 AM - 11:05 AM I worked on a small web app. Duration: 38 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:10 PM - 05:07 PM I worked on a small web app. Duration: 57 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 1 hour 35 minutes, including 1 hour 35 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Relationships: Stupid Attracts Stupid/Average So... I stereotyped guys a lot previously, it's now time to stereotype girls. One thing that always baffled me especially when I was younger is that the stupidest guys always attracted the most girls. Often time, when looking at this, I was thinking "Tf is wrong with these girls? These guys are the stupidest guys that exist, they don't care about them, they don't care about anything. They just do dumb things all day, yet these girls like them.". However, I just want to make a distinction here: this only applies for average or below average women, not for conscious self-actualizing women. A conscious self-actualizing woman studies all this and understands when a man is not worth it. From what I saw around me, there's definitely a bit of truth in the saying that many women are attracted to bad boys. These guys are emotionally stimulating and girls crave emotional stimulation. Also, some of these guys show strong masculine characteristics like confidence, dominance, taking initiative, etc. which appeals to girls who think that they'll get containment... but end up getting the complete opposite. I witnessed multiple times in the past guys doing immoral things and seeing girls laughing or liking it. I currently have an episode in my head which goes back many years ago when I was in high school. I was in a class and was bored by it so I politely asked the teacher if I could go to the library to read, and he agreed. After the bell rungs, I got out of the library and met a girl that was in my class. This girl never cared about me and never even talked to me, but she was shocked when she saw me because I broke the rule in her mind (which wasn't really the case because the teacher gave me his approval). And then, after that, she started to like me. I was blown away by this. Yeah, many girls like dumb guys who break rules, but that's mostly average or below average girls or young girls who lack life experiences. It doesn't apply to conscious girls, the conscious girls in the school weren't attracted to these guys, but attracted to conscious guys.

"I'm not afraid of anything emotionally other than death. Even that I'm starting to finally get there in the last 2 or 3 years."

I currently feel quite down. I feel stress and overwhelmed, my sleep is becoming worst and worst everyday, I also have a big pimple in my ear which is painful and prevents me to hear properly. I just cried a bit.

I met dumb confident people and smart confident people. Confidence doesn't mean that someone will necessarily succeed. Confidence can be harmful when not properly calibrated, that's the case when someone isn't aligned with reality. Confidence is healthy when someone is aligned with reality and in touch with his abilities. Authenticity?

Many times, I feel like confidence is bullshit.

11/07/2021 (Week 24) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... give my younger selves the time that they need to learn to trust me support my younger selves have faith in the abilities of my younger selves to heal give compassion to my younger selves let my younger selves be let my younger selves express themselves choose to let myself be authentic through letting my younger selves and sub-personalities exists

Weekly Statistics (05 July 2021 - 11 July 2021) Total Working Time 23 hours 56 minutes Average Focus 3.57 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.42 / 5

11 July 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:05 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: No work for today Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

About Toxic Masculinity: Some Resentment Towards My Mom I noticed that I have a bit of resentment against my mom for marrying such a man like my dad. I always had difficulties understanding why she married him. She had a great life, she had friends, she had a healthy supporting family, she had a job, she was happy, she had freedom, everything in her life was perfect. She could have got a high-quality man because she is a quality woman... so why in the world marrying a racist sociopath? I asked my mom in the past why she married him, she responded that she was in love and that she didn't realize how he was. I also asked a few times why she didn't quit him, she responded because she got me and my sister or that she doesn't know. I always found her answers disturbing. She could have quit my dad and get back to her job, her parents would have helped her in raising me and my sister, she would have got some help and she would have made it out, but she chose to stay with my dad. I saw her being talked down, I saw her overstressed, I saw her crying, I saw her sad, I saw her depressed, I saw her afraid, I saw her getting some physical threats (without physical actions), I saw her being pressured, I saw her being used as a scapegoat, I saw her becoming emotionally numb. It broke me down as a kid and I couldn't do anything excepting absorbing the toxicity. I would have preferred to grow up without a dad than a dad like him. I wouldn't have to go through all the emotional suffering, and trying to fix myself if I had a healthy dad. The explanations that I came to so far after contemplating this issue many times are simply: She is a very feminine woman and very feminine women are highly attracted to very masculine men (strong, dominant, confident), but many times these hypermasculine men are total assholes. My dad probably showed off as a hypermasculine, hyper charismatic, strong, and fun guy and she liked it, but that was just a facade and she didn't expect him to be so toxic. Very feminine women have weak boundaries and will therefore care more about others than themselves. They often put more blame on themselves, feel like there's something wrong with them when it's not the case, and have a tendency to be people pleasers. Also, women are naturally more oriented towards others because nurturing is more in their biology where men are more oriented towards self-survival because men are naturally more wired towards raw survival. She didn't have any bad experience with guys before and never even got catcalled. This point may be surprising, but the fact is that she grow up in France and was a young woman in the 70s and 80s helps to make sense. At that time in France, stage Blue was healthily integrated so people were overall more polite and decent. This is different in our time because of stage Orange's obsession with freedom which leads to stage Red being able to show itself more and take advantage. Many times simple decency doesn't exist anymore because stage Orange is so prevalent. Fear. I wasn't born at that time, but my guess is that she was very afraid of this tall, muscular, and aggressive man. Because of that, she didn't want to take any action to quit and she got trapped by fear. She was probably afraid that something could happen to her physically if she decided to quit. The overall feeling that I get when it comes to toxic relationships with either a toxic man or a toxic woman is that when some people "fall in love", basic logic doesn't exist anymore. They want to be in the relationship because they think that their love will make it work but doesn't in practice, and therefore the result is just damaged people. Nah, this isn't a great idea to marry a racist sociopath or a great idea to be in a relationship with a dysfunctional, manipulative, woman just because of "love". Love will not magically cure the other person, but it is in this kind of situation that tough love needs to be applied to break the relationship. Basic common sense is important, yet so many times underrated.