Raphael

@Forestluv is such an inspiration.

How much do you talk?

Why putting these characteristics on Yellow or Green? Is it how you generally distinguish between Yellow and Green?

Is it a thought, but it is also: Anxiety Fear Lack of self-esteem Poor conditioning A difficult childhood Traumas Pain in your body And more. Yes because it brings awareness to it before you overcome it. One part to start overcoming this feeling of being dumb is to feel it. Feel being dumb. Feel it so much so that at a point being dumb doesn't bother you anymore. Exhaust this feeling. Being dumb is great because when someone recognizes that he/she is dumb this person is less afraid of being dumb and will do less things to prove that he/she is dumb/not dumb but rather do what he/she desires from the heart. If it comes to the mind very often it will create a self-fulfilling prophecy that will entertain what you qualify as being bad decisions. Another part of overcoming the feeling of being dumb that is to say Enough after you became aware that this is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, then Observe It, then Let Go. If you see a reoccurring pattern where you: Do Dumb Thing => Heal => Do Dumb Thing and often end up in a similar place this is an indication that something can be changed. I did dumb things too and I'm also slow. I'm currently working on overcoming that by healing, processing the shame, accepting what happened, letting go of the re-occurring thoughts so that it doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and focusing on what I want. What I'm currently doing in this area is continuing to heal the traumas and giving love to people. I also cut the emotional bond with a relative recently and did it by telling to myself while thinking about him "There's no need for me to continue entertain his traumas and conditioning inside me". It made me more aware of the things that I had in common with this person and helped me have some distance, understand him, and give him love. It improved my opinion of him. You can maybe try something similar to see if it works for you. If you struggle in the department of "well-being" it's because you don't feel well enough to care about your well-being. To care more about your well being, you can: Set the intention to feel better Bring love. Even if you have difficulties loving yourself you do have love inside you and you can bring this feeling to the surface by feeling it. Clear the traumas and conditioning Use your willpower by doing a bit of what is difficult to do every day Repeat steps from 1 to 4 Ultimately what you want is love.

@Nahm Yes and I agree with you @flume too as emotions got stuck in the body and need to be understood, unblocked, processed, and released.

Back when I was a kid I was on the bicycle accompanied by my dad who was behind on his motorcycle when I took another road than expected. After maybe 10 minutes I got home successfully. After another 10 minutes, my dad got back home too. He was angry and afraid at the same time and told me that if I ever lose myself he would not do anything for me. What could be the reason why a parent would say something like this to his kid? And what would be the impact on the kid? So far I have difficulties finding the reason, however, when it comes to the psychological impact I'm thinking about: Feeling of abandonment Distrust of my dad and other adults Feeling of unsafety Feeling of rejection Distrust of masculinity Feeling of being alone to face the challenges of life

It also felt like a controlling behavior for me. I'm not abnormally afraid of people close to me dying even though I would be sad if it happen. I'm aware of it and I'm doing some progress.

11/01/2022 This journal is so weird, so chaotic, and so unexpected. It feels like I've been navigating from past versions of myself to my current self to where I will maybe be in 5 years. I hope that I'm not scaring the shit out of you lol This night was pretty agitated too but I feel like I'm currently stabilizing.

10/01/2022 / #3 Adult Raphael: Ok kid, you can express yourself. Express yourself fully. Kid Raphael: I WANT TO BE SEEEEN!!!!! I WANT THE VISIBILITY THAT I DIDN'T GOT I WANT THE RECOGNITION THAT I DIDN'T GOT I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, I AM COMPETENT AND RESPONSIBLE, MUCH MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. STOP TREATING ME LIKE AN INCOMPETENT KID. I HAVE AN ENORMOUS POTENTIAL I WANT SOME CARE I WANT SOME SUPPORT I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO BE A KID I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO PLAY I DON'T WANT TO BE SHAMED EVERY TIME THAT I PLAY I DON'T WANT TO BE SHAMED EVERY TIME THAT I AM SERIOUS I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE JUST FOR EXISTING. I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE JUST FOR BEING MYSELF. I DON'T WANT SO MUCH HATE FOR EXPRESSING MY CREATIVITY, MY GENIUS, FOR BEING QUIRKY, FOR MY INTELLECT, FOR MY THOUGHTFULNESS, FOR MY INSIGHTS, FOR MY HUMOUR, OR FOR ANYTHING ELSE I WANT TO BE RESPECTED I WANT TO BE LOVED I WANT SOME CARE I WANT SOME LOVE I WANT SOME CARE I WANT SOME LOVE I WANT SOME CARE I WANT TO EXIST I WANT TO EXISTS IN THE EYES OF PEOPLE I WANT TO EXISTS Please... let me exist as I am Adult Raphael: You have the right to exist kid. You exist. You exist in my eyes, you exist in my heart, you exist in my soul. I love you, I love you so much kid, I love you. If you are reading this, you can give some love to Kid Raphael too.

10/01/2022 / #2 Yes, I am using this forum to get visibility. This is about Kid Raphael, Kid Raphael wants visibility. What's wrong with that? What is wrong if this kid wants the visibility that he didn't get? What is wrong if this kid wants the emotional support that he didn't get? What is wrong if this kid wants to express himself? What is wrong if this kid who wanted to show himself show himself? What is wrong if this kid who got beaten by his dad just for dropping some shaving cream on the ground wants visibility? What is wrong if this kid who got shut up just for saying that something wasn't his fault wants visibility? What is wrong if this kid who wants recognition wants visibility? What is wrong if this kid who felt like an impostor because his teacher was qualifying him as smart and serious where when he was getting back home he would spend his time playing video games to cope with past bullying wants visibility? What is wrong if this kid who has been treated as an inferior human being and qualified weak, dumb, and lazy many times including by his dad wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who has been qualified as a bit inferior by a teacher when he was 14 wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who has often been a target of bullies as soon as 4 years old wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who has been pressured to get good grades at school but was ashamed because he wasn't part of the best kids wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who got tired of being mediocre got serious about school and self-education around 15-16 wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who got shamed for not having a girlfriend as soon as 6 - 8 years old wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who was mature, responsible, and wise felt that something was wrong with him for taking his life seriously for taking his health, work, and other things seriously while other kids of his age didn't who felt weird and confused wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid after being a good kid most of his life tried to be an asshole to see what it's like wants to show himself? What is wrong if this 20 years old kid who has been bullied by 22, 23, and 25 years old kis for taking his work (too) seriously wants to show himself? What is wrong if this 20 years old kid who has been bullied and threatened by his ~30 years old boss for not going fast enough wants to show himself? What is wrong if this 21 years old egoistical kid who has been shut up in work environments for being competitive and doing the best that he could wants to show himself? What is wrong if this 21 years old kid who got some jealousy and got hated by 35, 40, and 50 adult kids for being extremely competent for wanted to improve everything wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who has always been wiser than other kids of his age and even adults wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who got racism from white people wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who got racism from indian people wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who have a split identity due to a complex social background wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who wants to unite back white Raphael and indian Raphael wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who thought that the only way that he could get a girlfriend would be by being highly competent and making money wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who traumatized himself through over-work because he wasn't traumatized enough to search for healing and because he didn't know that he was traumatized wants to show himself? What is wrong if this kid who is healing himself wants to show himself? Nothing.

10/01/2022 The last six months have been pure chaos coupled with changes and growth for me. I currently have difficulties making decisions regarding what I want to write on this forum, my inner compass is all over the place here. Sometimes I want to write things, then procrastinate, then change my mind, then go back to it. I guess that the confusion is part of this phase which is reflected in this journal: a pure mess of emotions and thoughts. I currently don't try to think too much about what I'm writing, I'm just throwing things out even if don't make any logical sense and even if they are making writing mistakes. I spent at least 1-hour crying, screaming, and spitting on the ground. It felt great. Ludovico Einaudi is great for moments like this:

A part of Leo is at stage Orange hiding behind spirituality which is why some of us have been attracted to him.

I will add a few thoughts on this later. There's a lot of bullshit and lack of social responsibility on this forum.

New Journal Format Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Habitasse platea dictumst quisque sagittis purus sit amet volutpat consequat. Tellus at urna condimentum mattis pellentesque id nibh tortor id. Amet massa vitae tortor condimentum lacinia. Sub-Title 1 Arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem donec massa sapien. Eu mi bibendum neque egestas congue quisque egestas diam. Morbi blandit cursus risus at ultrices mi tempus. Consectetur purus ut faucibus pulvinar. Sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada bibendum arcu vitae. Morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac. Ultrices in iaculis nunc sed augue lacus. Massa massa ultricies mi quis hendrerit dolor magna. Faucibus ornare suspendisse sed nisi. Sem fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue. Ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus quam id leo. Lacinia quis vel eros donec. Interdum velit euismod in pellentesque massa. Enim nulla aliquet porttitor lacus luctus accumsan. Vulputate ut pharetra sit amet aliquam id. Pretium viverra suspendisse potenti nullam ac tortor. Enim nunc faucibus a pellentesque sit amet porttitor eget dolor. Aenean euismod elementum nisi quis eleifend quam adipiscing. Pharetra massa massa ultricies mi quis hendrerit dolor magna eget. Id diam maecenas ultricies mi eget mauris pharetra et. Et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas sed. Diam volutpat commodo sed egestas. Platea dictumst vestibulum rhoncus est pellentesque. Ornare quam viverra orci sagittis eu. Fames ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra convallis. Sit amet venenatis urna cursus eget nunc scelerisque viverra. Vulputate sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada bibendum arcu. Neque egestas congue quisque egestas diam in arcu. Cras pulvinar mattis nunc sed blandit libero volutpat sed cras. Nascetur ridiculus mus mauris vitae ultricies leo integer malesuada nunc. Est ultricies integer quis auctor elit sed vulputate mi. Duis at consectetur lorem donec massa sapien faucibus. Tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed felis. Sub-Title 2 Aliquam ut porttitor leo a diam sollicitudin tempor id. In hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum. Sit amet aliquam id diam maecenas ultricies mi. Quam pellentesque nec nam aliquam sem et tortor. Sit amet purus gravida quis. Faucibus nisl tincidunt eget nullam non nisi est sit amet. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Quam quisque id diam vel quam elementum pulvinar. Venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant morbi. Dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing at. Duis at tellus at urna condimentum mattis pellentesque id. Sub-Title 3 Rutrum quisque non tellus orci. Placerat in egestas erat imperdiet. Convallis aenean et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing at. Amet cursus sit amet dictum sit. Quam pellentesque nec nam aliquam sem et. Vitae aliquet nec ullamcorper sit. Porttitor leo a diam sollicitudin tempor id eu nisl nunc. In eu mi bibendum neque egestas. Interdum velit euismod in pellentesque massa. Mi quis hendrerit dolor magna eget est lorem ipsum dolor. Pretium vulputate sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada. Egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod: Raphael

Let's get back to earth.

Enough with Turquoise, Yellow, Green, Orange, or whatever else. Enough with this too.

Alright, things are feeling better... much better...

Hey, awesome post! I'm curious about something: have you read Thinking in Systems: International Bestseller and/or The Tao of Systems Thinking: Exploring the Parallels Between Eastern Mysticism and Systems Thinking? If yes, would you recommend reading them after The Systems View of Life?

I didn't expected this ego to be still there but I'm currently sorting that out.

I didn't expected to grow so much from all this chaos.

I didn't expected to start entering Turquoise now at 24 (25 in a few months) even though I'm conscious that some base issues have to be sort out.

I didn't expected to start entering Yellow when I was only 20 - 21.

I didn't expected to be so dumb and make some of the mistakes that I made, but that's life we all made mistakes from time to time.

After 4 years of chaos (especially between mid 20 to mid 23), things are finally getting together. I really didn't expected these last years to be so chaotic: I didn't expected to be bullied in work environments I didn't expected to work as an undeclared worker I didn't expected to have so little money to survive I didn't expected my boss to tell me that he would have to reduce my salary when I asked him to be declared (even though he found an alternative solution later but didn't took action on it as I quit my job because I was getting bullied) I didn't expected to have so little freedom of speech I didn't expected to work with adults that were so unstable, so jealous, and so afraid of everything I didn't expected to have my need for visibility and emotional needs so little fulfilled by other adults when I was between 20 - 22 I didn't expected to be shamed to try to make things better I didn't expected to almost kill myself through overwork I didn't expected to have panic attacks I didn't expected as a mixed race person to find myself at the intersection of cultures and not be able to explain what I was able to see to others I didn't expected to get the most racism that I got in my entire life from the people of my own country and with similar origins I didn't expected my self-esteem to be so low that I let myself to be exploited by people from all over the world I didn't expected to witness the explosions of rage of my grandma and didn't know how to handle her as I was traumatized I didn't expected to have to wake up every ~2 hours for a few days to take my grandma to the bathroom because she couldn't walk after falling down in the stairs I didn't expected my grandpa to die even though that was predictable I didn't expected my grandma to die this month even though that was predictable I think I will be able to sort out the most important emotional blockages in the next 6 months. Everything will start to get together in 2022.