Raphael

06/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good boy a kid a good looking guy an intelligent person a strange person a head in the cloud person an innocent person a kind person a good person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person an anxious person a shy person an incompetent person an abnormal person a dependent person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am good enough that I can do it that I am smart that I am good some reassuring stuff that I am exceptional Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I cannot do it that I am stupid that I shouldn't be how I am that I need to push harder that I need to make more efforts that what I do is never enough that I need to change that I'm not enough that I'm an idiot that I can't change that I'm incompetent that I cannot succeed that I should not listen to people

Sometimes I Would Like To Be Dumb I just have too many things in my mind, this is insane. Sometimes I would like to be dumb. Sometimes I envy these people who can just do their simple job without thinking that much about it, without complexifying things, without interconnecting everything and seeing the big picture. I'm just thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking... all the fucking time. As soon as I wake up I start to think, when I go to bed I have trouble sleeping because I'm just thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking... When I cook, I think. When I talk with people, I think. When I take my shower, I think. When I work, I think. When I exercise, I think. When I walk, I think. Sometimes, I cannot even hear people talking because I think. Sometimes, my thoughts interrupt me when I'm doing something and I get into an involuntary pause. I have thousands of things that I want to write about, thousands of things that I want to share about, yet this is so complicated because of how overactive my mind is. Thoughts triggers thoughts which trigger other thoughts which trigger other thoughts... My mind want to see the big picture despite me, even when this is inappropriate to the situation, even when this is counter-productive, even when it hurts my survival. Sometimes I want to vomit my thoughts out. Calm down mind, calm down. It's gonna be ok...

I need to detox.

I have been backsliding pretty hard since the last month. My schedule is fucked up, my sleep is terrible, I'm irregular and disorganized, I'm mind is too agitated, I have difficulties getting things done. I think that I need at least 2 - 3 empty days just to self-reflect, empty my mind, and calm down a bit.

Balance is the key.

Things That Annoys Me About Femininity Here are some elements that we usually associate with femininity and that annoys me if they show up too much: Damsel in distress syndrome. Inappropriate use of the compassionate approach. Too much talking. Too much complaining. Too much implicit communication. This one can really annoy me sometimes. I understand subtleties and implicit communication, however, if this happens too much and/or in an inappropriate context I just want to shout at the person to fucking say things directly. We cannot understand implicit communication all the time. Too much consideration of the opinions of others / people pleasing. Too much neediness for relationships. Not doing things because they are hard to do. Choosing what feels good instead of what works.

Things That Annoy Me About Masculinity Here are some elements that we usually associate with masculinity and that annoys me if they show too much: Over-assertiveness that is inappropriate to the situation. Over-confidence that is inappropriate to the situation. Over-controlling behaviors. Inappropriate use of the tough approach. Leadership through fear. Men competing for anything like dumbasses. Hiding of vulnerabilities. Not sharing emotions. Lack of consideration of others.

Maybe it's more of a collective issue in the area where you live in this case. Looks like something needs to be done to raise awareness within dogs owners so that they get sensitized to the difficulties that some people have with dogs. As a personal experience, I used to keep two of my dogs unleashed when they were small because I didn't thought they would hurt anybody and because I was sad of seeing them leashed all the time. However, they grew up and started to run after people. I understood that I needed to keep them leashed when a man finally complained to me (and also when someone beat one of my bigger dog and gave me some death threats). They are always leashed now. If talking to the owner doesn't work, then it's more likely to be a collective ego issue. Also, I had moments where I was tempted to tease some people with the dogs when I saw that they were afraid just to see their reactions. I know, I know, I'm evil, I'm sorry, however, I never did it seriously. Why are you afraid of dogs btw?

05 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:40 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 12:04 AM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 07:51 PM - 08:37 PM I had a Zoom call with the accountant. He's a really nice guy, looks like we have a bromance. Duration: 46 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:48 AM - 12:51 AM Did some work on a small web app. Duration: 1 hour 3 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:02 PM - 02:38 PM Did more work on this web app. Duration: 36 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 08:44 PM - 22:30 PM Worked on this app again. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 3 hours 41 minutes, including 2 hours 55 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

05/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a smart person a head in the cloud person a good looking person a good person a helpful person a baby Father gave me a view of myself as... an incompetent a weak person a dumb person a dependent person a useless person a lazy person an abnormal a fragile person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am smart that I need others that I am good looking that I can help that I am helpful that I'm lost in my head Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am weak that I am incompetent that I am dumb that I'm fragile that I'm incapable that I'm lazy that I'm shy that I need to push myself harder a lot of insults that I'll never achieve anything in life that I'll never succeed in life

04/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good person a smart person a beautiful person a baby a helpful person a useful person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person a weak person an incompetent person a dependent person a baby an abnormal person a failure Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I'm very intelligent that I need to help others that I should not push myself too much that I should not push myself too much outside my comfort zone that I am good that I look good Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I can't succeed that I won't succeed some insults that I am not good enough that I am weak that I am a failure that I should push myself that I should push myself outside my comfort zone that I am shy that I should not be shy that I don't care about others that I only care about myself that I am the most important thing in my life

04 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:18 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:39 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:01 AM - 12:33 PM Damn! This interface looks so incredibly good! I'm very satisfied with my work. I was a bit distracted by a client's messages during this session, but I did some great work overall. Duration: 1 hour 32 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 02:00 PM - 02:52 PM I continued the work on the interface, but I got a bit tired at the end. Duration: 52 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:43 PM - 05:50 PM I'm having some difficulties dealing with some popovers. Duration: 1 hour 7 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 09:23 PM - 11:00 PM I continued the progress on the popovers. I distracted myself from time to time. Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Sleep was difficult again. I was agitated, I had an insane amount of thoughts. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 8 minutes, including 5 hours 8 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.37 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.37 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Looks like I'm on the complete opposite side lol. I have four dogs and I take all of them for a walk every day. Where I live people are very afraid of dogs, even when they have leashed some people freak out. I had people throwing rocks at my dogs and taking sticks, it really annoyed me sometimes. I was walking today when I saw a man freaking out even though he was pretty far away. He took a stick and went hiding behind a wall, I found that ridiculous. I can understand your difficulties if you had traumas related to dogs. What I noticed is that people who are afraid of dogs attract dogs and have much more chances of getting bitten again. Personally, I had many times unleashed dogs coming close to me and barking at me, in response, I would just calmly continue walking and nothing would happen. In worst cases, a strong foot kick on the ground would make them run away. Concerning asserting yourself, you can just say a strong "NO!" when someone's dog comes too close to you. A woman did that when one of my dogs jumped close to her and I think that is an appropriate response if you are afraid. Finally, I think that if you know someone who has a dog it could be a great idea to spend time with this person and the dog to help sort your traumas. Dogs aren't bad, yet they can get afraid (just like you) and hurt.

I think that many people have high standards in relationships, however very few fit them. Also, how about me? How much do I fit? After all, I can just theorize forever while not fitting these standards in reality.

The High Conscious Partner Here are what I consider to be the characteristics of a healthy partner. These characteristics can be used as a self-assessment checklist. They apply to both genders. A high-quality person will resonate with that and if the person is not there yet, he/she will do everything to get there. The high-conscious partner can sustain itself independently. The high-conscious partner is happy by itself and has a positive, proactive attitude towards life. The high-conscious partner takes responsibility for his/her life, is a life-long learner, and constantly self-improves. The high-conscious partner has a healthy integration of all Tier 1 stages. The high-conscious partner is as authentic as possible. The high-conscious partner has high awareness. The high-conscious partner can admit biases and mistakes and correct them. The high-conscious partner can take constructive feedback. The high-conscious partner can give constructive feedback. The high-conscious partner is a good listener. The high-conscious partner is genuine. The high-conscious is empathetic. The high-conscious partner is respectful of everyone and respects people's boundaries. The high-conscious partner communicates openly, honestly, and has a deep humility. The high-conscious partner has high emotional mastery and can deal with its emotions in a healthy way. The high-conscious partner can show its vulnerabilities and issues, share them, and discuss them. The high-conscious partner has high-integrity and do everything to maintain its integrity as high as possible. The high-conscious partner is flexible and can change quickly depending on the situation. The high-conscious partner has a healthy relationship with its body. He/She cares about its body, eat healthily and exercise without being obsessed by it. The high-conscious partner is comfortable and open with its sexuality. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong addiction that prevents him/her to function properly in life. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong biases against any group of people based on origin, ethnicity, gender, gender orientation, or similar things.

Life is about constructing yourself while deconstructing yourself.

03/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good person a smart person a beautiful person head in the cloud person a baby a anot normal person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person an incompetent person weak person shy person a baby a not normal person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I can do good that I'm very intelligent that I'm a dreamer that I'm not normal that I need to care about others that I'm great Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am dumb that I am incompetent that I am socially awkward that I can't succeed in life that I'm not enough that I'm terrible that I cannot communicate with people that I cannot be myself that I am a failure

03 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:45 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 10:54 AM - 11:23 AM Checked a few documents, responded to a freelancer. Duration: 29 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Deep Work Sessions: 11:23 AM - 12:32 PM I did some improvements on a web app. I distracted myself a bit. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:55 PM - 02:55 PM I continued the previous improvements. Duration: 1 hour Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 06:15 PM I completed an update on the client's app and continued the work on my personal project. Duration: 1 hour 44 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 08:54 PM - 10:45 PM I worked on the calendar interface. I'm really satisfied with the result. I was a bit distracted because I was speaking with my sister at the same time, but did a lot of progress anyway. Duration: 1 hour 51 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Had a difficult night of sleep, but I worked well anyway. I noticed that when I meet some new people they can instantly motivate me to push forward. The best thing would be to have more intrinsic motivation, but that's better than anything. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 13 minutes, including 5 hours 44 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.55 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.7 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Thanks.

02/08/2021 (Week 28) Mother gave me a view of myself as... a good boy a very intelligent person a strange person a head in the clouds person a beautiful person a handsome person a dependent person Father gave me a view of myself as... a dumb person a weak person a shy person a incompetent person a weird person a not normal person Mother speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I'm very intelligent that I can do good that I forget things, therefore, cannot do stuff that I'm very incompetent and dependent on others that I look good that I'm strange Father speaks through my voice when I tell myself... that I am weak that I am shy that I'm going to fail that I'm going to be incompetent forever that I'm not social that I'm an idiot that I lack confidence and self-esteem

02 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:06 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:56 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 09:55 AM - 10:48 AM I worked on some crons related to Facebook management. I had a lot of unrelated thoughts. Duration: 53 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:03 AM - 12:15 AM I continued the work on the crons, did a pull request, and merged it. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:38 PM - 02:42 PM I created an API to get scheduled Facebook posts for a specific month. I also begun working on an API to delete specific scheduled posts. Duration: 1 hour 4 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 4/5 04:17 PM - 06:12 PM Completed some APIs and started to work back on the interface. I did a lot of progress. Duration: 1 hour 55 minutes Focus: 3.75/5 Progress: 5/5 07:58 PM - 09:35 PM I did some good progress on the calendar interface. Duration: 1 hour 37 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Really good day. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 41 minutes, including hours minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.6 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

01/08/2021 (Week 27) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... rebuild the connection with my child-self rebuild the connection with my teenage-self listen to my younger selves give the love that my younger selves needs create a safe space for my younger selves without over-protecting them which gives them the freedom to express themselves trust my younger selves love my younger selves

Weekly Statistics (25 July 2021 - 01 August 2021) Total Working Time 23 hours 26 minutes Average Focus 3.27 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.32 / 5

01 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:39 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:16 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 45 minutes of meditation in the morning ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Sunday) ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 02:11 PM - 02:44 PM Did some tests. Duration: 33 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 33 minutes, including 33 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

31/07/2021 (Week 27) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... create a balanced safe space for my younger selves that allows them to feel safe without feeling oppressed and at the same time allow them to have a lot of freedom give help to my younger selves nurture my younger selves am kind to my younger selves become genuinely interested in my younger selves give love to my younger selves encourage my younger selves let go of judgments of my younger selves support my younger selves