Raphael

10/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more attentive to how I talk to my mom I'll let go when some things annoy me I'll politely say to my mom to stop when she speaks too much my relationship with my mother would improve I'll have a better emotional connection with my mom my mom would appreciate me more my relationship with my mom would improve If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to talk with my dad I'll be more open with my dad I'll be less afraid of my dad I'll accept my father more I'll have more empathy for my father I'll get a bit closer to my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... they are doing the best that they can they aren't bad people I can learn from them I can see myself in them I can learn about myself by learning from them they are just human beings If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... this awareness is pretty low this awareness isn't sufficient to maintain a high-quality relationship I can improve this awareness I need to let go of things I see that I need to be more attentive when relating to my mother I see that I hurt my mother many times because of the low awareness that I bring to the relationship If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... this awareness is very low I know that I can make some progress with my dad I see that I need to make some efforts I see that I can unstuck myself I see that fear is preventing me to be aware I see that I need courage I see that I can grow from healing the relationship with my father

10 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:18 AM - 12:40 PM I worked on the client's app, then went back working on my own project. Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:48 PM - 03:12 PM Did some corrections on the client's app, also worked on my project. Got distracted a bit. Duration: 1 hour 24 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 05:56 PM I did some good progress on this interface. Duration: 1 hour 25 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 08:42 PM - 10:10 PM Did more progress on this interface. Duration: 1 hour 28 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Not too bad, not too good. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 39 minutes, including 5 hours 39 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.75 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Yeah, it works. But what if somebody is addicted to unhappiness (this is not my case, this is just a scenario that I'm thinking about).

I'm giving you an internet hug. Take care.

09/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more respectful of my mother I'll mock my mother less I'll bring more joy to the relationship with my mother I'll become more connected to my mother I'll know my mother better I'll feel closer to my mother I'll have more empathy for my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to talk to my father I'll let go of fear of my father I'll assert myself with my father I'll get closer to my father I'll understand my father better I'll stop judging my father I'll have more empathy for my father I'll appreciate more my father I'll see the good in my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... I know that they aren't good or bad I know that they are doing everything that they can I know that they love me I understand that they suffer a lot I understand that life is challenging for them I become more aware of who they are If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship to my mother... this level of awareness is quite low I see that I don't make that much efforts to understand my mom I see that my relationship can be improved I can improve my awareness I know that by improving my awareness I can improve my relationship a lot I know that I need to pay more attention when she speaks If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... my awareness is very low I notice that I have difficulties keeping my awareness high I see that I need to do some efforts I see that a lot of fear is preventing me to be aware I understand that my father doesn't know me because I don't bring any awareness to our relationship I know that I can make a lot of progress to increase the awareness of my relationship with my father

08/08/2021 (Week 28) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let go of negative self-talk from my father self let go of negative self-talk from my mother self embrace the qualities of my mother self embrace the qualities of my father self think more positively support myself through my mother self take ruthless actions through my father self

09 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:43 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:16 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 12:06 PM - 01:05 PM I did some work on a web app. Duration: 59 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:14 PM - 03:03 PM I continued the previous work. I also distracted myself a bit. Duration: 49 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:51 PM - 06:27 PM Worked again on this app then switched back to my app. Duration: 1 hour 36 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 08:50 PM - 10:43 PM I choose to take a shortcut on this issue because this is taking too much time. I was a bit distracted during this session. Duration: 1 hour 53 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Had a terrible night of sleep, had a difficult day of work. My brain is dead. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 17 minutes, including 4 hours 17 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Sometimes I wonder what people thinks of what I write here and the image that people have from me from what I write. I noticed being afraid of sharing some stuff because of fear of judgement. Overall, I think that I have a pretty high awareness and can have quite sophisticated thoughts, but at the same time I feel that I have a dirty side. I think that this dirty side can show up sometimes and I'm a bit afraid of the image that I can give when it happens. What do you think of me?

Yesterday's breathwork session was more powerful than I expected. It didn't felt powerful in the moment, but it had effects until today in the afternoon. I didn't sleep because of that, I felt the trauma processing during the night. I woke up very agitated and started to release a lot of things: I screamed a lot, punched my bed a lot, moved my body to let things out.

Nobody have it easy. Arguments such as "Meeeh... all women are sluts" or "Meeeh... all men are assholes" leads to nowhere. We blame society for it, yet we are society at the same time.

Thoughts About Incels, Redpill, Blackpill, and Other Similar Things The first time that I learned about incels was maybe 1 - 2 years ago while reading the dating subforum, before that, I wasn't spending that much time checking this place. From what I know, these groups are hate groups consisting of mostly sexually frustrated young men who think that they cannot get laid because they don't look good enough. When I learned about that a few elements resonated with me because: I was and still am a virgin. I did experience some shame in the past because society tells me that I need to be in a relationship and/or fuck women. I did have some resentment regarding women at some periods of my life because I never felt taken seriously by girls when I was at school. (However, who never felt a bit of resentment towards the opposite sex whether man or women? Almost nobody.) So... the following thought appeared in my mind: "Am I supposed to be an incel?". Then, I did a few more research and discovered some pretty crazy things: incredible levels of misogynistic views, calls for mass rape, calls for attacks on women, etc., and saw this as way too extreme for me. I also learned that incels create hate stories to explain their difficulties and label some people as Chads, Femoids, etc. And... that's everything that I know about incels. I also don't know that many things about ideologies like Redpill, Blackpill, etc. except that they are highly toxic ideologies with misogynistic views. I think that if I was desperate for relationships I could have fallen into that but as I didn't care about relationships most of my life, it didn't happen. And even if I did come across these things I think I would have avoided them because: 1. it would have reminded me of the trauma of seeing my mom being disrespected by my dad and it would have been intolerable for me. 2. my awareness is naturally too high for these things. When I see hate, judgments, stereotyping, and dumb ideological debates, I know something's wrong. I feel it when it's bad. Also, the obsession with look as being the only thing that women care about felt particularly dumb to me because I look good. When it comes to look, I don't fit the typical masculine standard. My face fit, but my body doesn't fit because I'm skinny. However, what I noticed is that I fit much more according to the feminine perspective (and honestly what else do I need?) because I had women telling me that I look very good, I noticed looks from women in the past, some people told me that I attract a lot of girls eyes, and my sister told me that all her friends think that I look good. Most of the time, I don't put enormous effort when it comes to clothing, I just dress simply with a tshirt/hoody and pants. However, I did notice that when I do an effort and put a shirt like this I get complimented and people notice me much more. I had guys getting jealous of me because of my look and I also had guys implying that because I look good I should get a lot of girls... well... no... not if you don't put yourself out. When I was in high school, I had a friend who was very skinny and with a less good-looking face than me... and this friend was incredible with girls simply because he was very social and funny. His look was never an issue for him, he didn't care and got a lot of success with girls. The fact that women only care about looks always felt like nonsense for me because I have the look. In one of his first videos, Leo said that he thought that good look would get him a girlfriend and it felt pretty dumb to me. When I think of incels I think of people with serious mental health issues. I see people who got brainwashed by pop culture and because they don't fit the portrait ideals they hide into shame or project it as hate, it is similar to religious people who cannot fit religious ideals and therefore live in shame. These people need serious mental health help which is the reason why I disagree with Leo's response here to — I suppose — an incel. They are some truth in this response, but I still think that this is inappropriate because if someone is complaining about a perfectly normal height than this person certainly has other psychological issues. Here are my thoughts about this case: Nobody knows anything about this person. Nobody knows his real mental state and his intentions. Some people committed suicide after posting on an online forum, but most people didn't. Suicide after an online post is definitely something that can happen and therefore needs to be taken seriously. If this person is depressed for such a ridiculous thing, then he likely has other interconnected issues that he needs to take care of first. Even if he goes out, approach girls, and get into a relationship, the relationship will be toxic because he has too much-limiting beliefs. #1 priority for a person like this is to fix his mental health and clear the brainwashing. That might take 1 year, 2 years, or more, but this is essential if he doesn't want a toxic relationship. The basic first, then girls. The tough approach doesn't apply in this case because we don't know that much about this person. Depressed people want help, they don't want to be ridiculed. In some cases, ridiculing can work, but they are too many unknown variables in this case. I want to conclude here with just a few thoughts about me. So, how about me? How do I see myself? Well... I'm just a guy who goes through life, who has his difficulties in life just like everybody, who had a lot of difficulties regarding relationships, but who wants to improve and who tries to do the best that he can to improve. End of the story.

How Much A Relationship is Important for Me Thinking about relationships made me reflect on the question of how much having an intimate relationship would be important for me. And the answer to this question is: I really don't know. This area is probably one of the areas in life where I'm the most hesitant. I see the potential of a relationship, I see the potential in the experience of having a deep emotional connection, sharing vulnerabilities with a girl, and having sex. However, I also see the trap of relationships, the trap of seeking happiness through someone else. I know why I'm hesitant and I know that it's not healthy: I got very badly brainwashed by my dad. He planted a seed in my brain at a very young age by telling me how bad all people are. Nope. People aren't necessarily bad, people are just how they are. I might resonate with some of them and not with others, some of them may help me, some of them may cause me pain, that's all. I also might be hesitant in this area because of how difficult relationships have been for me in life. Because of how abnormal I always felt, because of how strange and unique I always felt. I recently wondered if I didn't have a light form of autism after doing some research on this subject. Some traits highly resonated with me: Trouble reading social cues. Participating in conversation is difficult. You have trouble relating to others’ thoughts or feelings. You’re unable to read body language and facial expressions well. (You might not be able to tell whether someone is pleased or unhappy with you.). You don’t like to look at someone’s eyes when talking to them. Building and maintaining close friendships is difficult. https://www.healthline.com/health/autism-in-adults#highfunctioning-autism These are difficulties that I dealt with most of my life. But I think that it's just a limiting belief because I did have periods where I have been more social and do have some people in my life that I enjoy talking to. So this is BS, I don't have autism even if I can relate with some of these traits while reflecting on my life. I might have started life as being naturally socially more incompetent than average people, but that's fine, that's just a skill to develop. I see a pattern in myself that is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: because of how difficult relationships have been for me in the past I'm tending to avoid them. This is a trap that is keeping me stuck. After all, what if I develop myself as an awesome man and attract an awesome girlfriend? What if I have an amazing relationship? I cannot know if I don't try, I cannot know if I stay stuck in the same thinking pattern. I think that I have all the abilities to create an amazing relationship, I just need to push myself out of my comfort zone. Having an intimate relationship is definitely something worth trying. This is life, life is about experiencing it, living it, living it to the fullest.

Existential Happiness In terms of happiness, I resonate enormously with the video below. Assuming that I have a functional base, I'm first and foremost counting on myself to make me happy. The happiest moments that I experienced in my entire life were moments of deep solitude, I wasn't doing anything special, yet the kind of joy that I experienced were outside of normal human experience. I'm talking about deep existential joy: the kind of joy that can make you cry, the kind of joy where you feel ecstatic, the kind of joy where you are blown away by the magnificence of existence, the kind of joy that people notice when they see you, the kind of joy that is abnormal. The only moments where I experienced this amount of happiness were moments of deep solitude. It doesn't mean that I'm always happy when I'm alone, I obviously also experienced deep depressions while being alone. I experienced pain in solitude and experienced pain with people. I experienced happiness with people, however, I never experienced deep existential happiness while being with people. Maybe it's because I never found extremely aware people IRL, so thinking that I cannot experience deep existential happiness with people might be a limiting belief. I see a bias within me that puts solitude on a pedestal while dismissing social relationships and I don't think that it's healthy to be too much oriented towards it. I have shadows to explore here, I see past experiences and conditioning in my life that caused me to have this orientation. I'm definitely dismissing too much the value that someone can get from relationships.

I'll never grow without integrating Red. I need to integrate it in a healthy way. I need to try on my dad.

Ok.

@Raphael Don't be afraid of Red, embrace Red.

07/08/2021 (Week 28) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let go of negative aspects of my mother let go of negative aspects of my dad embrace the positive aspects of my mother embrace the positive aspects of my dad unite the kindness and supportive personality of my mom with the visceral strength of my dad orient myself more and more towards positive self-talk

I might be a bit crazy... so what?

I'm starting to get bored writing about relationships. I think I'm just going to write a few other posts then move to other things. Also, I think I'm going to completely cut out the dating section of this forum because honestly, I might vomit one day while reading this place.

Having A Mind That Functions Differently I initially titled this journal ADHD: Personal Notes then changed it to My Over-Active Mind. I had different reasons for doing that: I don't like labels. I had never been diagnosed with ADHD, yet I see many commonalities between how I function and symptoms that are considered as been ADHD symptoms. ADHD is over-dramatized as been a serious mental health disorder. I personally think that they are many degrees to this: at some high degrees, it can be pretty difficult where at lower/medium degrees it can be empowering. I don't feel disabled in life (even though I have my difficulties). I just think that I function differently than most people and therefore need to have a different life system. I feel that there is a lot of bullshit in the typical mental health field. Mental health is relative to what we consider as being mentally healthy and elements of mental health can vary from culture to culture. Many times a thing is called a disorder where it is just a weakness and the other side of all weaknesses is a strength. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, yet some strengths and weaknesses are more common than others. When we perceive an uncommon weakness in someone we tend to demonize this person, yet this uncommon weakness can hide an uncommon strength. I see my mind as my biggest strength, it can be difficult to handle sometimes so in a sense this can be a weakness, yet this is one of the most powerful and most important things that I have in my life. I will definitely write about ADHD here, but not in an over-obsessed catastrophizing way. I just want to understand how my mind functions, its connection to my body, its structure, and how to make the best out of it.

No.

New Organization Workdays Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday Saturday Physical Exercise Days Tuesday: Chest + Shoulders Thursday: Back + Triceps + Biceps Sunday: Legs Meditation Habit I'm going to put back a 1-hour meditation habit in the morning for each working day. What I noticed is that it's much easier for me to work when I meditate in the morning. Breathwork Habit I will do breathwork on Thursday and Sunday. Other Things I will start with this organization next week. However, I will also have to think about finding time for: Journaling. Reading. Reading this forum. Watching Leo's videos. Relaxing / Contemplating.

Slicing Weeks in Half So... I changed my organization a bit maybe ~2 months ago to work from Monday to Friday and have empty days Sunday and Saturday and it doesn't work. What I noticed is that I work well from Monday to Wednesday, then start to lose willpower on Thursday. This is too much for me to work five days in a row without any breaks in between. I'm going to change back my organization to something a bit similar to what I had before.

This organization doesn't fucking work.

I applied scores from 1 to 10 to each items here. I maybe deluded myself sometimes, I'm not sure. Here are what these scores means: 3-4: Below average 5-6: Average 7: Quite good 8: Good 9: Very good 10: Perfect These scores doesn't apply to superhuman saints. They are about below-average people to healthy stage Yellow self-actualized individuals. ------------ The high-conscious partner can sustain itself independently. Score: 7/10 I'll say that I do a bit better than average here and in the context of the country that I live in. I can sustain myself and make money without having to work that much. I also have more freedom because I'm not an employee. However, they are still limitations because the amount of money that I make is actually below what I need to sustain myself in a developed nation and things can be uncertain sometimes as clients can appear and disappear randomly. I'm still working on improving my situation here. The high-conscious partner is happy by itself and have a positive, proactive attitude towards life. Score: 6/10 I currently feel good as I'm writing this and my happiness has actually been improving since the last month even though I backslided a lot. However, I don't know how much time it's going to last. Things are paradoxical here: sometimes I can feel a lot of happiness and I find myself laughing without reason, but I do feel sadness and anxiety many times. I wonder if I don't have an anxiety disorder. If I reflect on the past six months, I'll say that my happiness have been at 6/10 overall. The high-conscious partner takes responsibility for its life, is a life-long learner, and constantly self-improve. Score: 7/10 Yes, I take responsibility, I self-improve and I learn every day. However, I can sometimes easily get discouraged in the face of challenges and also get lazy. The high-conscious partner has a healthy integration of all Tier 1 stages. Score: 6/10 I'm average here and I see a lot of room for progress notably at stage Red and Purple. I do lack self-esteem, I do lack confidence, I do lack assertiveness, I do lack people skills, I do have some social anxiety, and other things to work on. The high-conscious partner is as authentic as possible. Score: 7/10 This really depends on the environment that I'm in and on the people that I'm dealing with. Let's say that I'm with a conscious person, then it's much easier to be authentic. The high-conscious partner has high awareness. Score: 8/10 My awareness is really high. Often time I'm able to see issues within me and self-analyze while still being aware of the lack of embodiment. The high-conscious partner can admit biases and mistakes and correct them. Score: 8/10 This can be tough many times, but it'll say that I do much better than average here. The high-conscious partner can take constructive feedbacks. Score: 8/10 The high-conscious partner can give constructive feedbacks. Score: 8/10 The high-conscious partner is a good listener. Score: 7/10 I can often time be lost in my head and being unable to hear people talking. However, when someone really interest me I can be a very good listener. The high-conscious partner is genuine. Score: 4/10 I noticed that I'm very rarely genuinely interested in people. Someone really needs to have something special for me to be genuinely interested, most of the time people bored me. Many times, when I'm interested it's for analyzing them and understand how they work and this sounds evil lol. Also, the notion of being genuine and doing things for others always sounded fake to me because ultimately the difference between self/other doesn't exist. When someone says that he/she genuinely cares about others, I understand what this person means because genuineness is an emotion and I also felt in my life. I don't think that when someone says that he/she is genuine this person is egocentric and uses the term genuineness to mask a manipulative ego, but I feel that most people lack awareness regarding what genuineness really is. If someone doesn't exist, someone cannot be genuine so it's not possible to be genuine without it being about the self. Even when we do a selfless action such as giving money to a homeless person: this action is genuine, but at the same time it is about the self because we want to feel a certain way from our genuineness, we want to feel good to help other. Most of the time people have genuine needs, they have a need for genuineness. It doesn't mean that this low conscious and egoistical, it can be very high-conscious, yet this is still about the self (and others at the same time) because ultimately the boundary between self/others doesn't exist. I could write an entire post about this. The high-conscious is empathetic. Score: 7/10 I do have an above-average empathy, but it can still be improved. The high-conscious partner is respectful of everyone and respects people's boundaries. Score: 7/10 Some people really pissed me off in the past, but overall I'll say that I'm respectful of people even when some behaviors can make me cringe. The high-conscious partner communicates openly, honestly, and has a deep humility. Score: 7/10 This one really depends on the environment that I'm in. If I'm in a conscious environment, this is much easier. The high-conscious partner has high emotional mastery and can deal with its emotions in a healthy way. Score: 7/10 It almost never happens that I throw my emotions at others, I do my best to be as respectful as possible here. When I'm dealing with difficult emotions, I just recluse and let them out by screaming, crying, jumping, moving, etc. I often do feel some bitterness and impurities in me, but nobody sees it. The high-conscious partner can show its vulnerabilities and issues, share them, and discuss about them. Score: 7/10 Depends on the environment, it's easier in a conscious environment. Also, I noticed some past traumas related to girls in my life that are causing me difficulties to be authentic and share vulnerabilities with girls. The high-conscious partner has high integrity and do everything to maintain its integrity as high as possible. Score: 7/10 Better than average, however, I still lie and still delude myself. There's also a weird thing that I noticed that comes from the fact that I can't relate with most people and because of that I feel like I'm always lying to everyone. The high-conscious partner is flexible and can change quickly depending on the situation. Score: 7/10 Some progress can be made here. The high-conscious partner has a healthy relationship with its body. He/She cares about its body, eat healthily and exercise without being obsessed by it. Score: 8/10 Can be improved by taking more care of my skin, my sleep, and my posture by optimizing my work environment. Overall, it's healthy. The high-conscious partner is comfortable and open with its sexuality. I'm striking this one because of my lack of experience. This is currently completely uncomfortable for me because I never explored this with a girl. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong addiction that prevents him/her to function properly in life. Score: 8/10 I almost put a 10 here, however, the reality is that I'm addicted to thinking, information, and reading the actualized.org forum. It can make me lose a lot of time sometimes. The high-conscious partner doesn't have any strong biases against any group of people based on origin, ethnicity, gender, gender orientation, or similar things. Score: 7/10 I still have residues and shadows in this area. Other Things: I still lack a lot of education on relationships and masculine/feminine dynamics. Because of that, I feel like some of my ideas might be screwed. I can see limiting beliefs, shadows, and traumas related to dating, relationships, and women within myself. This needs to be cleared out. I feel a lack of embodiment in my life. I feel a lot of impurities and dirtiness within me. That's probably caused by the fucked up environments that I got myself in from end 2017 to end 2019. Ok. So... when I started thinking about these things maybe a few months ago I thought I was ready for a relationship, however, I can see now that a lot of things still need to be improved. I need to continue educating myself and work on my shadows in this area.