Raphael

My growth has been spectacular in the past 5 years even if I still haven't sorted out many things of life.

12/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more conscious of how I speak to my mom I won't take seriously my mom's jokes I'll listen more to my mom I'll accept my mom more I'll give love to my mom I'll be more vulnerable with my mom If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll have more empathy for my dad I'll try to understand my dad I'll be more conscious of the difficulties of my dad I'll understand that my father did the best that he could in his life I'll forgive my father I'll let go of resentment of my father I'll try to talk to my dad If I look at my mother and father realistically... They aren't good nor bad, but just how they are They do the best that they can with what they have They are disconnected from me because they have different backgrounds and because they grew up at different times They aren't that bad They are good no matter what I see that they care about me I see that they love me I see that they are doing the best that they can If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... this awareness is low I see that I don't care enough about my mother I see that I can improve this awareness I see that by improving my awareness my relationship will improve I see that by improving my awareness I'll become more connected to my mom I'm choosing to improve my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... my awareness is very low my awareness is clouded by fears my awareness is low because I keep holding on to the past I know I can improve my awareness I know I need to focus more on the present moment while interacting with my father I know I need to talk to my dad I know that I can start by talking in front of him to start raising my confidence I know that by talking to my father and healing our relationship my confidence will raise, my self-esteem will raise, and overall my personal development will skyrocket

12 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:22 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 11:13 AM - 12:15 PM Contacted a person to get some instructions. Got them and did a few things on my side. I distracted myself while waiting at some moments, I need to let go of that and embrace boredom. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

ADHD: No Personal Diagnostic, Yet Many Similarities I have never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but I see many similarities with how I function and what are considered traits of ADHD: My mind is hyperactive. I can hyper-focus on subjects that I'm interested in, however, I'm extremely bored when it's not the case. My thoughts are very creative and out of the box. I can easily interconnect many dots and easily see the big picture and the structure behind things. I had difficulties reading social cues most of my life. I often daydream which makes me very quiet and annoy people when I have social interactions. It can seem that I'm elsewhere. I can be absent-minded because I'm so much in my mind. Sometimes I cannot hear people talking to me because of the insane amount of thoughts that I have. I can easily get lost in thoughts and lose focus when I'm working, exercising, interacting with people, or in other situations. Sometimes I get interrupted in the middle of things because of my thoughts, sometimes I do unwanted things because of my thoughts. I can get quickly overwhelmed by information. I'm very sensitive to my environment and can get quickly overwhelmed by noises and people who express strong emotions. Crowds and loud environments very quickly drain my energy. Sleep is difficult because my mind is so active. I have organizational difficulties, but it's not catastrophic. Planning is difficult as I often want to change plans because I have a lot of creative ideas. Overall I'll say that I know where I want my life to evolve in the next five years thanks to Spiral Dynamics, but I don't have a precise plan. I can have difficulties finishing tasks and projects because I always find new interesting things. I'm very lazy when it comes to dealing with mundane (but essential) life stuff. If I'm supposed to have ADHD it would be the predominantly inattentive type as I have difficulties organizing thoughts, often daydream and I'm very quiet. However, I noticed that I can become very talkative when the subject interests me or when I'm with a person that I resonate with. Resources: https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/signs#takeaway https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/three-types-adhd#type-1 https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/adhd-benefits#managing-the-challenges https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/benefits-of-adhd

I just want to write some thoughts about my over-active mind and how I experience life.

I'm not sure if it's wise to compare with me because I started young. I started experiencing with programming at 15, but I wasn't really regular so I didn't make anything serious. It became more regular when I was around 17/18 and I worked on my first big project around that age, however, I still lacked a lot of knowledge and the project was messy and had weak security. I started to work on my first complex project in a professional team when I was 22, so it took me a lot of time to get there. However, I don't think it should be your case because in my situation I experienced a lot of things before settling down for a technology set. Also at a young age like 15 - 20, someone's brain is still underdeveloped and therefore it can take more time to learn such a complex thing as programming. Realistically, I would say that if you put intense effort you should become good in 1 - 2 years and be able to work on complex projects. That's a lot of time, but everything related to coding and programming is tough to learn. Yep. I found out that I learned faster that way. I learned enormously by just being curious and trying to understand how things work. Try to work on some small projects without being obsessed with the time that it takes you. Enjoy the process of learning how things work and interconnect in a perfect whole. There's a spiritual side to this field, I personally feel it when I'm able to interconnect everything which leads to a global understanding of the system and a feeling of fullfilment. Thanks. It might seem organized, but that's something that I actually have difficulties with because of how agitated my mind is.

Lol. I recently thought that I might like older women. MILFs are attractive to me in terms of maturity, but I also think that the insecure little boy in me wants to be taken care of.

I wonder if one day people are going to stop building things around me. These guys literally never stop. It has been almost two years that there are constructions all day long every day of each week. I want a bit of calm, please. I'm very sensitive to noises.

I'll become as awesome as a man can be while still staying true to myself.

Things will happen, they'll just take the time that they need to take to happen. No need to stress out, but only to enjoy life to its fullest.

The MEAN stack is an awesome stack, I'm currently using it for an app that I'm building. jQuery might be old, but I find it to still be very useful.

11/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more respectful of my mother I'll accept to help my mother I'll put boundaries when my mother is asking too much from me I'll let go of my annoyance when interacting with my mother I'll have a healthier relationship with my mother I'll have a deeper connection with my mother I'll have more fun with my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll let go of the anger that I have towards my father I'll understand that I am afraid of my father I'll try to talk to my father I'll stop judging my father I'll have more empathy for my father I'll be able to heal the traumas related to my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... I see that they aren't bad people I see that they do the best that they can I see that they love me I see that they don't know me I see that they have difficulties relating to me I understand that the difficulties that they have relating to me are difficulties related to generational differences and different educations If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship to my mother... this awareness is low I see that I can bring more awareness to my relationship with my mother I see that I'm afraid of sharing my vulnerabilities with my mom I see that I can make a lot of progress to our relationship this lack of awareness comes from my fear of being vulnerable I need to be aware of my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... this awareness is very low this awareness only focus on the negative aspects of my dad this awareness dismiss the positive aspects of my dad my fear of my father corrupts my awareness my awareness is corrupted by my past traumas this awareness can be improved I see that my fear is irrational

11 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:01 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:46 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 08:15 PM - 09:55 PM Opened and closed some pull requests, updated the API on the server, and did some project planning. Duration: 1 hour 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Deep Work Sessions: 10:33 AM - 12:14 AM Found out that I was searching for hours on how to do something where I only had to change an option to make it work. Duration: 1 hour 41 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 01:30 PM - 02:48 PM Good progress on the calendar interface. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 04:16 PM - 08:01 PM I did a lot of progress on the calendar interface. I consider it to be completed. Duration: 1 hour 45 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Good day. My focus can be improved by taking my sleep more seriously. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 14 minutes, including 4 hours 34 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Ok. I had some thoughts about pickup but I'm going to let that go and move to other things. Enough with dating and relationships for now.

I think I might like older women lol. My main reason is the maturity level. In terms of maturity, I feel way ahead of people of my age, I always felt like an old man in a young man's body. One day my sister told me that I was a young-old, maybe when I'll be old I'll be an old-young lol. I always felt a huge disconnection between me and people of my age. When I was a kid, I preferred spending time with adults rather than other kids of my age. I relate with some things of people of my age but don't with many things, I relate with the maturity of some older people but don't with many things. Overall, it's difficult to find mature people, even with people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

Definitely.

10/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more attentive to how I talk to my mom I'll let go when some things annoy me I'll politely say to my mom to stop when she speaks too much my relationship with my mother would improve I'll have a better emotional connection with my mom my mom would appreciate me more my relationship with my mom would improve If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to talk with my dad I'll be more open with my dad I'll be less afraid of my dad I'll accept my father more I'll have more empathy for my father I'll get a bit closer to my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... they are doing the best that they can they aren't bad people I can learn from them I can see myself in them I can learn about myself by learning from them they are just human beings If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... this awareness is pretty low this awareness isn't sufficient to maintain a high-quality relationship I can improve this awareness I need to let go of things I see that I need to be more attentive when relating to my mother I see that I hurt my mother many times because of the low awareness that I bring to the relationship If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... this awareness is very low I know that I can make some progress with my dad I see that I need to make some efforts I see that I can unstuck myself I see that fear is preventing me to be aware I see that I need courage I see that I can grow from healing the relationship with my father

10 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:30 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 11:18 AM - 12:40 PM I worked on the client's app, then went back working on my own project. Duration: 1 hour 22 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:48 PM - 03:12 PM Did some corrections on the client's app, also worked on my project. Got distracted a bit. Duration: 1 hour 24 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 05:56 PM I did some good progress on this interface. Duration: 1 hour 25 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 08:42 PM - 10:10 PM Did more progress on this interface. Duration: 1 hour 28 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Not too bad, not too good. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 39 minutes, including 5 hours 39 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.75 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Yeah, it works. But what if somebody is addicted to unhappiness (this is not my case, this is just a scenario that I'm thinking about).

I'm giving you an internet hug. Take care.

09/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more respectful of my mother I'll mock my mother less I'll bring more joy to the relationship with my mother I'll become more connected to my mother I'll know my mother better I'll feel closer to my mother I'll have more empathy for my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to talk to my father I'll let go of fear of my father I'll assert myself with my father I'll get closer to my father I'll understand my father better I'll stop judging my father I'll have more empathy for my father I'll appreciate more my father I'll see the good in my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... I know that they aren't good or bad I know that they are doing everything that they can I know that they love me I understand that they suffer a lot I understand that life is challenging for them I become more aware of who they are If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship to my mother... this level of awareness is quite low I see that I don't make that much efforts to understand my mom I see that my relationship can be improved I can improve my awareness I know that by improving my awareness I can improve my relationship a lot I know that I need to pay more attention when she speaks If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... my awareness is very low I notice that I have difficulties keeping my awareness high I see that I need to do some efforts I see that a lot of fear is preventing me to be aware I understand that my father doesn't know me because I don't bring any awareness to our relationship I know that I can make a lot of progress to increase the awareness of my relationship with my father

08/08/2021 (Week 28) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let go of negative self-talk from my father self let go of negative self-talk from my mother self embrace the qualities of my mother self embrace the qualities of my father self think more positively support myself through my mother self take ruthless actions through my father self

09 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:43 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:16 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 12:06 PM - 01:05 PM I did some work on a web app. Duration: 59 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:14 PM - 03:03 PM I continued the previous work. I also distracted myself a bit. Duration: 49 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 04:51 PM - 06:27 PM Worked again on this app then switched back to my app. Duration: 1 hour 36 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 08:50 PM - 10:43 PM I choose to take a shortcut on this issue because this is taking too much time. I was a bit distracted during this session. Duration: 1 hour 53 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 Had a terrible night of sleep, had a difficult day of work. My brain is dead. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 17 minutes, including 4 hours 17 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.12 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Sometimes I wonder what people thinks of what I write here and the image that people have from me from what I write. I noticed being afraid of sharing some stuff because of fear of judgement. Overall, I think that I have a pretty high awareness and can have quite sophisticated thoughts, but at the same time I feel that I have a dirty side. I think that this dirty side can show up sometimes and I'm a bit afraid of the image that I can give when it happens. What do you think of me?