Raphael

14/08/2021 (Week 29) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... recognize that my parents aren't good or bad recognize that my parents are doing the best that they can bring more awareness to the relationship that I have with my parents bring more attention when I'm interacting with my parents respect more my mom respect more my dad develop more empathy towards my mom develop more empathy towards my dad give love to my parents

14 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:07 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:52 AM - 12:04 PM I did some corrections in the settings area, created the pull request and merged it. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 12:13 PM - 12:44 PM I did other corrections in the settings area. Duration: 31 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:26 PM - 03:03 PM I worked on a new menu. I was thinking about some past traumas at the same time. Duration: 37 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:40 PM - 06:13 PM I did a certain number of corrections on the interface. I distracted myself a bit. Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:30 PM - 10:00 PM I started to do some small interface tweaks. I took a bit too much time because I'm too perfectionist on this. Duration: 2 hours 30 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 23 minutes, including 6 hours 23 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.2 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

When you feel the urge to watch Youtube, stop and do nothing in front of the screen. If this is painful, feel the pain. If you feel angry, let yourself be angry. If you want to cry, cry. Feel the emotion no matter what it is, but don't scroll through Youtube or watch any video. Let the body burn all the impurities. Practice this more and more. When you finally burned everything, then build new habits.

13/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more conscious of how I speak with my mother this relationship would improve I'll be happier to interact with my mother I'll bring more joy to the relationship with my mother I'll feel more comfortable with my mother I'll understand my mother more I'll understand the difficulties of my mother more I'll have a deeper connection with my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to become aware of the behaviors with my father I'll understand the difficulties of my father more I'll become more authentic around my father I'll become more open with my father I'll accept my father more I'll have more empathy for my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... They aren't good or bad people but are just how they are They are doing the best that they can I can learn from them They are good no matter their behavior I see that they have difficulties in life I see that they love me I see that they are trying to do the best that they can If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... This awareness is low This awareness can be improved I know that I need to make some efforts to raise my awareness my relationship can be improved by just raising my awareness a little I'll be more authentic my improving my awareness I'm choosing to improve my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... This awareness is very low This awareness is so low because it is backed by fear They are still traumas backing up my awareness I can do some efforts to improve my awareness my father knows that I dislike him I know I can raise my awareness by loving my father more

13 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:12 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 04:24 PM - 06:15 PM I did various corrections on the front-end and back-end. I distracted myself a bit too much. Duration: 1 hour 51 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:47 PM - 09:21 PM I worked on corrections on the front-end interface. Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 09:26 PM - 10:06 PM Fixed other issues on the front end interface. Duration: 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Very bad night of sleep + I'm sick with constructions all day long around me. I'm increasing back the empty time that I'm allowing myself before going to bed because I need that to relax properly. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 5 minutes, including 4 hours 5 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.33 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Btw, your journal is very educational for me. It helps me seeing things from the female perspective and understanding when my views are screwed. We need more women openly sharing their views on this forum. Thanks for doing this!

French is actually my native language. Happy to help in all cases

I met a hyper charismatic narcissistic boss who was always proud of himself for how great his company was and how bad other companies were. He was using a lot of strong language to discredit other companies, it was fun but very manipulative. I thought I would have fun in his company but ended up being bullied by him and coworkers and working more than expected. I was also working without any contract and he told me that he would have to pay me less if he had to declare me. I learned to not trust people who brag too much and criticize others a lot.

My growth has been spectacular in the past 5 years even if I still haven't sorted out many things of life.

12/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more conscious of how I speak to my mom I won't take seriously my mom's jokes I'll listen more to my mom I'll accept my mom more I'll give love to my mom I'll be more vulnerable with my mom If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll have more empathy for my dad I'll try to understand my dad I'll be more conscious of the difficulties of my dad I'll understand that my father did the best that he could in his life I'll forgive my father I'll let go of resentment of my father I'll try to talk to my dad If I look at my mother and father realistically... They aren't good nor bad, but just how they are They do the best that they can with what they have They are disconnected from me because they have different backgrounds and because they grew up at different times They aren't that bad They are good no matter what I see that they care about me I see that they love me I see that they are doing the best that they can If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... this awareness is low I see that I don't care enough about my mother I see that I can improve this awareness I see that by improving my awareness my relationship will improve I see that by improving my awareness I'll become more connected to my mom I'm choosing to improve my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... my awareness is very low my awareness is clouded by fears my awareness is low because I keep holding on to the past I know I can improve my awareness I know I need to focus more on the present moment while interacting with my father I know I need to talk to my dad I know that I can start by talking in front of him to start raising my confidence I know that by talking to my father and healing our relationship my confidence will raise, my self-esteem will raise, and overall my personal development will skyrocket

12 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:22 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 11:13 AM - 12:15 PM Contacted a person to get some instructions. Got them and did a few things on my side. I distracted myself while waiting at some moments, I need to let go of that and embrace boredom. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

ADHD: No Personal Diagnostic, Yet Many Similarities I have never been officially diagnosed with ADHD, but I see many similarities with how I function and what are considered traits of ADHD: My mind is hyperactive. I can hyper-focus on subjects that I'm interested in, however, I'm extremely bored when it's not the case. My thoughts are very creative and out of the box. I can easily interconnect many dots and easily see the big picture and the structure behind things. I had difficulties reading social cues most of my life. I often daydream which makes me very quiet and annoy people when I have social interactions. It can seem that I'm elsewhere. I can be absent-minded because I'm so much in my mind. Sometimes I cannot hear people talking to me because of the insane amount of thoughts that I have. I can easily get lost in thoughts and lose focus when I'm working, exercising, interacting with people, or in other situations. Sometimes I get interrupted in the middle of things because of my thoughts, sometimes I do unwanted things because of my thoughts. I can get quickly overwhelmed by information. I'm very sensitive to my environment and can get quickly overwhelmed by noises and people who express strong emotions. Crowds and loud environments very quickly drain my energy. Sleep is difficult because my mind is so active. I have organizational difficulties, but it's not catastrophic. Planning is difficult as I often want to change plans because I have a lot of creative ideas. Overall I'll say that I know where I want my life to evolve in the next five years thanks to Spiral Dynamics, but I don't have a precise plan. I can have difficulties finishing tasks and projects because I always find new interesting things. I'm very lazy when it comes to dealing with mundane (but essential) life stuff. If I'm supposed to have ADHD it would be the predominantly inattentive type as I have difficulties organizing thoughts, often daydream and I'm very quiet. However, I noticed that I can become very talkative when the subject interests me or when I'm with a person that I resonate with. Resources: https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/signs#takeaway https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/three-types-adhd#type-1 https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/adhd-benefits#managing-the-challenges https://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/benefits-of-adhd

I just want to write some thoughts about my over-active mind and how I experience life.

I'm not sure if it's wise to compare with me because I started young. I started experiencing with programming at 15, but I wasn't really regular so I didn't make anything serious. It became more regular when I was around 17/18 and I worked on my first big project around that age, however, I still lacked a lot of knowledge and the project was messy and had weak security. I started to work on my first complex project in a professional team when I was 22, so it took me a lot of time to get there. However, I don't think it should be your case because in my situation I experienced a lot of things before settling down for a technology set. Also at a young age like 15 - 20, someone's brain is still underdeveloped and therefore it can take more time to learn such a complex thing as programming. Realistically, I would say that if you put intense effort you should become good in 1 - 2 years and be able to work on complex projects. That's a lot of time, but everything related to coding and programming is tough to learn. Yep. I found out that I learned faster that way. I learned enormously by just being curious and trying to understand how things work. Try to work on some small projects without being obsessed with the time that it takes you. Enjoy the process of learning how things work and interconnect in a perfect whole. There's a spiritual side to this field, I personally feel it when I'm able to interconnect everything which leads to a global understanding of the system and a feeling of fullfilment. Thanks. It might seem organized, but that's something that I actually have difficulties with because of how agitated my mind is.

Lol. I recently thought that I might like older women. MILFs are attractive to me in terms of maturity, but I also think that the insecure little boy in me wants to be taken care of.

I wonder if one day people are going to stop building things around me. These guys literally never stop. It has been almost two years that there are constructions all day long every day of each week. I want a bit of calm, please. I'm very sensitive to noises.

I'll become as awesome as a man can be while still staying true to myself.

Things will happen, they'll just take the time that they need to take to happen. No need to stress out, but only to enjoy life to its fullest.

The MEAN stack is an awesome stack, I'm currently using it for an app that I'm building. jQuery might be old, but I find it to still be very useful.

11/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more respectful of my mother I'll accept to help my mother I'll put boundaries when my mother is asking too much from me I'll let go of my annoyance when interacting with my mother I'll have a healthier relationship with my mother I'll have a deeper connection with my mother I'll have more fun with my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll let go of the anger that I have towards my father I'll understand that I am afraid of my father I'll try to talk to my father I'll stop judging my father I'll have more empathy for my father I'll be able to heal the traumas related to my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... I see that they aren't bad people I see that they do the best that they can I see that they love me I see that they don't know me I see that they have difficulties relating to me I understand that the difficulties that they have relating to me are difficulties related to generational differences and different educations If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship to my mother... this awareness is low I see that I can bring more awareness to my relationship with my mother I see that I'm afraid of sharing my vulnerabilities with my mom I see that I can make a lot of progress to our relationship this lack of awareness comes from my fear of being vulnerable I need to be aware of my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... this awareness is very low this awareness only focus on the negative aspects of my dad this awareness dismiss the positive aspects of my dad my fear of my father corrupts my awareness my awareness is corrupted by my past traumas this awareness can be improved I see that my fear is irrational

11 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:01 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 10:46 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 08:15 PM - 09:55 PM Opened and closed some pull requests, updated the API on the server, and did some project planning. Duration: 1 hour 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Deep Work Sessions: 10:33 AM - 12:14 AM Found out that I was searching for hours on how to do something where I only had to change an option to make it work. Duration: 1 hour 41 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 01:30 PM - 02:48 PM Good progress on the calendar interface. Duration: 1 hour 18 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 04:16 PM - 08:01 PM I did a lot of progress on the calendar interface. I consider it to be completed. Duration: 1 hour 45 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 4/5 Good day. My focus can be improved by taking my sleep more seriously. Total Work Duration: 6 hours 14 minutes, including 4 hours 34 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Ok. I had some thoughts about pickup but I'm going to let that go and move to other things. Enough with dating and relationships for now.

I think I might like older women lol. My main reason is the maturity level. In terms of maturity, I feel way ahead of people of my age, I always felt like an old man in a young man's body. One day my sister told me that I was a young-old, maybe when I'll be old I'll be an old-young lol. I always felt a huge disconnection between me and people of my age. When I was a kid, I preferred spending time with adults rather than other kids of my age. I relate with some things of people of my age but don't with many things, I relate with the maturity of some older people but don't with many things. Overall, it's difficult to find mature people, even with people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc.

Definitely.