Raphael

This journal will be as dirty as it'll have to be. Don't read if you're too sensitive.

This is just the beginning. Stay tuned for more lol.

Sometimes you just have to fucking push yourself.

My Ideal Authentic Self This is the state that I'm shooting for / what I want: Quiet when I want to be quiet and playful when I want to be playful Observant Thoughtful Insightful Rather organized without being too much organized in order to have space for creative thoughts and allowing novelty Clear sophisticated thoughts Spending less time on this forum Deep and regenerative sleep High self-esteem High confidence High social skills Assertive, but not too much except in situations that need it Decisive, but not too much in order to allow new possibilities Highly responsible of me and of people around me High integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Funnier Relaxed Good masculine / feminine balance. Maybe 60% masculine and 40% feminine or 70% masculine and 30% feminine Awesome with women, able to have a deep emotional connection with a woman that resonates with me, provide containment, and provide amazing sex Less judgmental of people Lonely most of the time, but with a bit more social interactions Completely financially independent Having an authentic business connected to an authentic life purpose that brings deep satisfaction and has a positive impact on the world Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene Being a responsible adult while still allowing the kid inside me to show himself and to be playful Wise Humble

My Current State This is my current state: Quiet Observant Thoughtful Insightful Messy without being a complete mess Often distracted by thoughts Have difficulties controlling myself from reading this forum Often have sleeping problems Average self-esteem Average confidence Average social skills with some social anxiety Uncomfortable with dating Not assertive enough Not decisive enough Not responsible enough Pretty good integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Lonely Poor Self-employed working on building a solid financial foundation Can easily stress and over-dramatize things. In consequence, I can burn myself quite quickly Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene I feel like an adult, but sometimes also like a kid Very wise, but sometimes also very dumb

This journal is going to be my most painful journal.

To Explore → Document: To Explore These are experiences that I consider worth exploring. Very Important My relationship with my dad My relationship with my body My relationship with women My relationship with men My relationship with my country Internship experience from october 2017 to december 2017 Work experience from april 2018 to september 2019 Being exploited as a freelancer Being bullied by V in the school bus when I was a kid Any significant or moderate bullying experience when I was at school Social anxiety and feeling of being different from a very young age Important Actualized.org traumas My experience of being a mixed-race individual My relationship with culture My relationship with my mom My relationship with my sister Moderate My relationship with my extended family

Issues → Document: Issues These are all the issues that I noticed. This is as honest and vulnerable that I can be in public. A few things will be kept private. Fear of my dad I just don't like my dad. I see him as dumb and aggressive. I don't talk to him, at best I only share a few words. However, he made a lot of progress in recent years and I think I'm wrong to still perceive him the same way. I think I have progress to do here. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Lack of genuineness I'm very rarely genuinely interested in people. Most of the time, I'm interested in me. People interest me only when they have something uncommon, in common with me, or bring novelty. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Difficulties being grateful I have difficulties being grateful to people. I often feel like I'm the only who do everything by himself and that I need no-one to help me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Too private / Not wanting people to know me / Not wanting to share about me I just see people as intrusive and don't want to share with them. I feel like they might want to humiliate me based on my interests. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Annoyed by basic social interactions (small questions, playful remarks) I can be annoyed with basic social interactions like jokes on me, remarks on basic things, a bit of playfulness towards me. It happened to me to respond with statements such as: "And? And what? So what? Yeah, this is very interesting. etc.". Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Negative Self-Image I have a negative view of myself. I often have the feeling that I am a bad person Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Social anxiety I have a general distrust of people. I'm very suspicious of people and careful of what people say. I have a tendency to let people talk so that I can analyze their psychological development to handle them. There's a feeling of unsafety with people. Also, this is very context dependant: my social anxiety can be low in some environments and high in other environments. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 7/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Fear of vulnerability / showing my pain / failures / insecurities I noticed that I'm a bit afraid of sharing how I really feel. It happened to me in the past when I would hurt myself accidentally and a close relative would look at me and I would respond: "What? What are you looking at? What is your problem?" Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 7/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Very sensitive to noises I am a naturally very sensitive person as I experience things very strongly. However, regarding noises, there might also be other contributing factors, but I'm not sure. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Annoyed by incompetency I noticed that when I'm very good at something, I expect others to be as good as I am. I can therefore by annoyed by incompetent people. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5.5/10 Difficulties regarding dating This goes in hand with social anxiety. I always had a lot of difficulties relating to people and this issue made dating even more difficult for me. My fear of failure and fear of rejection is very strong in this area. I have the problem of not resonating with 99% of people and the feeling of not being good enough for a relationship. There's also an environmental factor that makes things more or less difficult. Overall, I see the experiences that had contributed to this feeling, but I haven't dig into that yet. I have shadows and limiting beliefs in this area and I'm going to take all of them down in this journal. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 5/10 Average Perception: 6.5/10 Difficult being authentic / Shame of self-expression There's a feeling that I should not express myself authentically and that I should always be careful of what people think of me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike of encouragements This doesn't feel genuine to me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike being taken care of Feel like people are always dishonest. Feels inauthentic, not genuine. I feel like I'm waiting for someone to be kind with me, then put a knife in my back. I told to my mom several times is the past: "Please, don't care about me. Act as if I was dead, let me die." Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike of masculine compassion I think that masculine compassion doesn't work in 99% of cases. However, I see some traumas related to that as it has been wrongly used on me. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Fakeness There's a part of me that wants to prove itself, a part of me that wants to show how great he is. This part feels very fake/inauthentic. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Fear of failure My fear of failure has always been very high in my life. I'm not sure why, I think that this is related to my dad. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Tendency to overcatastrophize / overstress I noticed that I have a tendency to over catastrophize situations. In consequence, it backfires and my ability to deal with the situation is lower than it could be. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5.5/10 Annoyed by people who wants to help me I noticed that I often time dislike getting some help, especially for small things in life. When I'm trying to learn something, I want to experience the pleasure of discovering things by myself. I see people who want to help me as intrusive and disrupting of my enjoyment of the process. There might be something behind this feeling rather than just a personality trait. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Shame of being performant / doing great I noticed that when I'm doing great some people can get easily jealous and attack me. In consequence, I feel that I shouldn't be great. I also see bad family conditioning. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Discouragement after making good progress when facing difficulties I noticed that I can be very easily discouraged in the face of difficulties and want to switch to something else. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Sense of urgency / Wanting to go fast I noticed that I feel a sense of urgency in my life, that I need to go as quickly as possible because otherwise, I'll waste my life. This feeling of urgency can sometimes happen when I'm working on projects with strict deadlines. Often time this feeling backfires on me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Uncomfortable with touch This always felt weird for me because I'm not very people-oriented and don't understand why I should touch people and don't see a need to touch people. However, I do see some experiences that contributed to that. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Dislike of people being interested in me This doesn't feel genuine to me. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4.5/10 Shame of not being able to connect and communicate properly with the people from my country I'm part of a minority in my country and while growing up my parents didn't teach me the language that is mostly used. I understand what people say and can I communicate but I have an accent which create some shame. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Pessimism I can often have a bit a of pessimism / negativity in me. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Regular sadness I often experience some sadness. I think that this is mostly related to processing traumas from a few years ago, but there might be something else here. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Ashamed of racism that I got I got some racism that I'm ashamed of because of my atypical situation. The fact I'm mixed-race and the misunderstanding that I often receive from people also causes me difficulties to sort things out. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 2.5/10 Jealous of successful friends I noticed some jealousy in the past, but overall this is pretty low. Personal Perception: 4/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 2/10 Racism I can still feel a bit of resentment towards some people and have some small intrusive thoughts, but overall this is very low. Personal Perception: 2/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 1/10

Issues Evaluation → Document: Issues Evaluation These are just a few definitions for this journal. Personal vs. External Perception Personal Perception: How big I consider the problem to be. External Perception: How big people consider the problem to be. Notation 0/10: Non-Existent 1/10: Very Low 2/10: Very Low 3/10: Low 4/10: Low 5/10: Medium 6/10: Medium 7/10: A Bit Strong 8/10: Strong 9/10: Very Strong 10/10: Impossible to Cope

15/08/2021 (Week 29) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let go of the resentment that I have towards my parents recognize that my parents aren't good or bad recognize that my parents are doing the best that they can have more empathy for my parents have more compassion for my parents give love to my parents

Weekly Statistics (09 August 2021 - 15 August 2021) Total Working Time 27 hours 40 minutes Average Focus 3.47 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.34 / 5

15 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:26 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:38 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions No work for today Very difficult night of sleep. I'm going to do a few changes: I'm going to cut my meditation time to 30 minutes and replace the 45 minutes of doing nothing by 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling on paper. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

@rnd I don't know. I have simply practiced the technique presented by Leo so far.

There's really something going on with my gut. I experience very frequent burps, my digestion is irregular and strange, I always feel like I have residues in my intestines. I feel that there is a connection with stress, quality of thoughts, quality of focus, sleep, and gut. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/fodmaps-101 https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/foods-high-in-fodmaps#TOC_TITLE_HDR_11

14/08/2021 (Week 29) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... recognize that my parents aren't good or bad recognize that my parents are doing the best that they can bring more awareness to the relationship that I have with my parents bring more attention when I'm interacting with my parents respect more my mom respect more my dad develop more empathy towards my mom develop more empathy towards my dad give love to my parents

14 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:07 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 10:52 AM - 12:04 PM I did some corrections in the settings area, created the pull request and merged it. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 12:13 PM - 12:44 PM I did other corrections in the settings area. Duration: 31 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:26 PM - 03:03 PM I worked on a new menu. I was thinking about some past traumas at the same time. Duration: 37 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:40 PM - 06:13 PM I did a certain number of corrections on the interface. I distracted myself a bit. Duration: 1 hour 33 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:30 PM - 10:00 PM I started to do some small interface tweaks. I took a bit too much time because I'm too perfectionist on this. Duration: 2 hours 30 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 2/5 Total Work Duration: 6 hours 23 minutes, including 6 hours 23 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.2 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

When you feel the urge to watch Youtube, stop and do nothing in front of the screen. If this is painful, feel the pain. If you feel angry, let yourself be angry. If you want to cry, cry. Feel the emotion no matter what it is, but don't scroll through Youtube or watch any video. Let the body burn all the impurities. Practice this more and more. When you finally burned everything, then build new habits.

13/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more conscious of how I speak with my mother this relationship would improve I'll be happier to interact with my mother I'll bring more joy to the relationship with my mother I'll feel more comfortable with my mother I'll understand my mother more I'll understand the difficulties of my mother more I'll have a deeper connection with my mother If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll try to become aware of the behaviors with my father I'll understand the difficulties of my father more I'll become more authentic around my father I'll become more open with my father I'll accept my father more I'll have more empathy for my father If I look at my mother and father realistically... They aren't good or bad people but are just how they are They are doing the best that they can I can learn from them They are good no matter their behavior I see that they have difficulties in life I see that they love me I see that they are trying to do the best that they can If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... This awareness is low This awareness can be improved I know that I need to make some efforts to raise my awareness my relationship can be improved by just raising my awareness a little I'll be more authentic my improving my awareness I'm choosing to improve my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... This awareness is very low This awareness is so low because it is backed by fear They are still traumas backing up my awareness I can do some efforts to improve my awareness my father knows that I dislike him I know I can raise my awareness by loving my father more

13 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:12 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation in the morning ❌ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Deep Work Sessions: 04:24 PM - 06:15 PM I did various corrections on the front-end and back-end. I distracted myself a bit too much. Duration: 1 hour 51 minutes Focus: 3/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:47 PM - 09:21 PM I worked on corrections on the front-end interface. Duration: 1 hour 34 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 09:26 PM - 10:06 PM Fixed other issues on the front end interface. Duration: 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Very bad night of sleep + I'm sick with constructions all day long around me. I'm increasing back the empty time that I'm allowing myself before going to bed because I need that to relax properly. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 5 minutes, including 4 hours 5 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.33 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

Btw, your journal is very educational for me. It helps me seeing things from the female perspective and understanding when my views are screwed. We need more women openly sharing their views on this forum. Thanks for doing this!

French is actually my native language. Happy to help in all cases

I met a hyper charismatic narcissistic boss who was always proud of himself for how great his company was and how bad other companies were. He was using a lot of strong language to discredit other companies, it was fun but very manipulative. I thought I would have fun in his company but ended up being bullied by him and coworkers and working more than expected. I was also working without any contract and he told me that he would have to pay me less if he had to declare me. I learned to not trust people who brag too much and criticize others a lot.

My growth has been spectacular in the past 5 years even if I still haven't sorted out many things of life.

12/08/2021 (Week 29) If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my mother... I'll be more conscious of how I speak to my mom I won't take seriously my mom's jokes I'll listen more to my mom I'll accept my mom more I'll give love to my mom I'll be more vulnerable with my mom If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my relationship with my father... I'll have more empathy for my dad I'll try to understand my dad I'll be more conscious of the difficulties of my dad I'll understand that my father did the best that he could in his life I'll forgive my father I'll let go of resentment of my father I'll try to talk to my dad If I look at my mother and father realistically... They aren't good nor bad, but just how they are They do the best that they can with what they have They are disconnected from me because they have different backgrounds and because they grew up at different times They aren't that bad They are good no matter what I see that they care about me I see that they love me I see that they are doing the best that they can If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my mother... this awareness is low I see that I don't care enough about my mother I see that I can improve this awareness I see that by improving my awareness my relationship will improve I see that by improving my awareness I'll become more connected to my mom I'm choosing to improve my awareness If I reflect on the level of awareness I bring to my relationship with my father... my awareness is very low my awareness is clouded by fears my awareness is low because I keep holding on to the past I know I can improve my awareness I know I need to focus more on the present moment while interacting with my father I know I need to talk to my dad I know that I can start by talking in front of him to start raising my confidence I know that by talking to my father and healing our relationship my confidence will raise, my self-esteem will raise, and overall my personal development will skyrocket

12 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:22 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ~ No social media until 7 PM (Doesn't apply on Thursday) ❌ 30 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions: 11:13 AM - 12:15 PM Contacted a person to get some instructions. Got them and did a few things on my side. I distracted myself while waiting at some moments, I need to let go of that and embrace boredom. Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Total Work Duration: 1 hour 2 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)