Raphael

18/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel more like an adult I feel more like a man I feel more responsible I feel free of using my mind I feel more independent I feel that I can push myself more I feel that I can resolve hard challenges At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I feel more positive I feel happier I feel more nurturing of myself I feel more authentic I feel having more confidence I feel having more self-esteem I can grow much faster At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel responsible I feel that I can trust myself I feel that I have the abilities to accomplish what I want in life I feel authentic I feel capable of making wise decisions I feel that I have the capacity to make any necessary change I feel that I can have an authentic purpose in life I understand myself much deeper If my life really does belong to me... what I make out of it is my responsibility how I treat myself is my responsibility how I treat others is my responsibility I am responsible for the quality of my life I can get what I want out of this life I can self-improve I can become an amazing human being I can live it fully I can appreciate it fully If I really am capable of independent survival... I can let go of my fear of survival I can find a place for myself I can change and adapt quickly in order to survive effectively I can approach life situations with a proactive positive attitude I can let me have a smile on my face I can live life blissfully

18 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:30 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:40 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Work Sessions: 09:55 AM - 10:35 AM I worked on these templates again. I will continue doing this most of this day too. Duration: 40 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 10:55 AM - 12:06 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour 11 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 12:14 PM - 12:44 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 30 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 01:50 PM - 02:48 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 58 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 04:25 PM - 05:44 PM I continued the work on the templates. I'm starting to get tired, I also distracted myself a bit by editing some photos. Duration: 1 hour 19 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 I wanted to work at night but was too tired (probably because of bad sleep again) and ended up in a procrastination loop of doing random things on the internet. It's too late for journaling and I'm already exhausted, fuck. The progress metric is non-sense. Progress mostly goes with focus and progress depends on the time that I spend on a task. I prefer to get rid of it, this is too confusing and too difficult to track. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 38 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5)

I always felt a sense of responsibility towards humanity. I always felt like I was born to change the world, like literally, but I'm still not developed enough for that. I'll write about that soon.

Also, I thought I had social anxiety... well I now know that this is BS because I talked with someone that I resonate with recently. When I meet open-minded people I can effortlessly talk to them and have great conversations. My problem is that most people around me are too closed-minded and/or have nothing in common with me. In consequence, it's really difficult to have conversations and I cut out most people in my life. Finally, I got in touch with an old-friend recently and we will be working together in the future... so I will spend a bit more time with people.

I think that I often have a very negative self-image. If someone looks at me, he/she would probably see a perfectly decent human being. I eat healthy, I exercise regularly, I make money, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs. From the outside, I'm like more normal than normal. So normal that it's abnormal. Yet, I always feel that something is deeply wrong about me. I always feel inadequate in this world.

I took a few pictures of my face and it looks good. I choose to kept my mustache and started to grow a beard just to see how it goes. I like my face, it looks good.

17/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel more like an adult I feel more responsible I feel more manly I feel more independent I feel happier I feel less like a baby At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I feel less like a baby I feel positive I enjoy life more I feel happier I can enjoy life more I feel more accepting of myself I feel more authentic I feel free I feel more like an independent human being At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel in control of my life I feel more responsible I feel like an adult I feel that I'm growing up I can do what I want in life I can make the decisions that I want to make without being influenced by others If my life really does belong to me... I have the power to do whatever I want I have the power to make it blissful I have the power to make it satisfying I have the right to express myself I can change the things that I want to change I can live authentically rather than living for others If I really am capable of independent survival... I can get out of my parent's house I can let go of the fear of survival I can seek more happiness I can succeed in life I can appreciate life without fears I can be more in the now

17 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 07:42 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:27 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 minutes of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Deep Work Sessions: 10:16 AM - 11:29 AM Worked on some templates. Felt some sadness. I was having thoughts about ADHD while working. Duration: 1 hour 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 11:38 AM - 12:38 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 01:39 PM - 02:41 PM This task is simple but repetitive and boring. Duration: 1 hour 12 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 05:44 PM I continued working on these templates. I only have to do some copy-paste. It's quite a boring task, but sometimes we need to do boring things. Duration: 1 hour 13 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 07:56 PM - 09:05 PM I continued the work on the templates. Duration: 1 hour 9 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 This Low-FODMAP diet is super effective. In less than two days, my gut problem has almost completely disappeared. I also feel much cleaner and my thoughts are clearer. I didn't expect this to be working that well. Total Work Duration: 5 hours 47 minutes, including 5 hours 47 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

16/08/2021 (Week 30) At the thought of being free of Mother, psychologically... I feel less like a baby I feel less dependent I feel more like an adult I feel more authentic I feel more independent minded I feel more fulfilled in life At the thought of being free of Father, psychologically... I'm letting go of my over-stressing behavior I'm letting go of my harsh inner critic I feel more free I feel more powerful I feel more independent I'm letting go of self-hate I'm bringing back control in my life At the thought of belonging fully to myself... I feel in control of my life I can have complex independent thoughts I feel empower I feel capable of achieving what I want in life I feel living life for myself I feel capable I feel true to myself If my life really does belong to me... then I have control of my control then I'm choosing happiness then I'm choosing to achieve what I want then I'm choosing to be authentic then I can make the changes that I want to make then I can feel it deeply then I can appreciate it deeply If I really am capable of independent survival... then I can move out of my parent's house then I can function properly in life then I can sustain myself without overthinking about it then I can let go of my fear of survival then I can let go of my fear of not having money then I can let go of my over-stressing behavior and appreciate life and survival instead of being afraid of it

16 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:30 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:14 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 30 hour of meditation in the morning ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling before going to bed Deep Work Sessions: 10:54 AM - 12:12 PM I started learning about how some templates work and started doing some changes. There was a lot of distracting noises around me. Duration: 1 hour 16 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 12:20 PM - 12:49 PM I did a few more corrections on this template. Duration: 29 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 02:11 PM - 02:51 PM I started to work on another template. Duration: 50 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 04:31 PM - 06:06 PM I continued the work on the template. I feel very tired. Duration: 1 hour 35 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3/5 08:15 PM - 09:02 PM I worked a bit more on this template Duration: 47 minutes Focus: 3.5/5 Progress: 3.5/5 Sleep was again very difficult. Total Work Duration: 4 hours 57 minutes, including 4 hours 57 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: 3.5 / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: 3.4 / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

There's a feeling of hate inside me. Why do I hate myself so much? And why do I hate the world so much?

This journal will be as dirty as it'll have to be. Don't read if you're too sensitive.

This is just the beginning. Stay tuned for more lol.

Sometimes you just have to fucking push yourself.

My Ideal Authentic Self This is the state that I'm shooting for / what I want: Quiet when I want to be quiet and playful when I want to be playful Observant Thoughtful Insightful Rather organized without being too much organized in order to have space for creative thoughts and allowing novelty Clear sophisticated thoughts Spending less time on this forum Deep and regenerative sleep High self-esteem High confidence High social skills Assertive, but not too much except in situations that need it Decisive, but not too much in order to allow new possibilities Highly responsible of me and of people around me High integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Funnier Relaxed Good masculine / feminine balance. Maybe 60% masculine and 40% feminine or 70% masculine and 30% feminine Awesome with women, able to have a deep emotional connection with a woman that resonates with me, provide containment, and provide amazing sex Less judgmental of people Lonely most of the time, but with a bit more social interactions Completely financially independent Having an authentic business connected to an authentic life purpose that brings deep satisfaction and has a positive impact on the world Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene Being a responsible adult while still allowing the kid inside me to show himself and to be playful Wise Humble

My Current State This is my current state: Quiet Observant Thoughtful Insightful Messy without being a complete mess Often distracted by thoughts Have difficulties controlling myself from reading this forum Often have sleeping problems Average self-esteem Average confidence Average social skills with some social anxiety Uncomfortable with dating Not assertive enough Not decisive enough Not responsible enough Pretty good integrity Rather polite, but sometimes gross Lonely Poor Self-employed working on building a solid financial foundation Can easily stress and over-dramatize things. In consequence, I can burn myself quite quickly Minimalist Simple in appearance but with a deep complexity behind the scene I feel like an adult, but sometimes also like a kid Very wise, but sometimes also very dumb

This journal is going to be my most painful journal.

To Explore → Document: To Explore These are experiences that I consider worth exploring. Very Important My relationship with my dad My relationship with my body My relationship with women My relationship with men My relationship with my country Internship experience from october 2017 to december 2017 Work experience from april 2018 to september 2019 Being exploited as a freelancer Being bullied by V in the school bus when I was a kid Any significant or moderate bullying experience when I was at school Social anxiety and feeling of being different from a very young age Important Actualized.org traumas My experience of being a mixed-race individual My relationship with culture My relationship with my mom My relationship with my sister Moderate My relationship with my extended family

Issues → Document: Issues These are all the issues that I noticed. This is as honest and vulnerable that I can be in public. A few things will be kept private. Fear of my dad I just don't like my dad. I see him as dumb and aggressive. I don't talk to him, at best I only share a few words. However, he made a lot of progress in recent years and I think I'm wrong to still perceive him the same way. I think I have progress to do here. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Lack of genuineness I'm very rarely genuinely interested in people. Most of the time, I'm interested in me. People interest me only when they have something uncommon, in common with me, or bring novelty. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Difficulties being grateful I have difficulties being grateful to people. I often feel like I'm the only who do everything by himself and that I need no-one to help me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Too private / Not wanting people to know me / Not wanting to share about me I just see people as intrusive and don't want to share with them. I feel like they might want to humiliate me based on my interests. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Annoyed by basic social interactions (small questions, playful remarks) I can be annoyed with basic social interactions like jokes on me, remarks on basic things, a bit of playfulness towards me. It happened to me to respond with statements such as: "And? And what? So what? Yeah, this is very interesting. etc.". Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 8/10 Average Perception: 8/10 Negative Self-Image I have a negative view of myself. I often have the feeling that I am a bad person Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Social anxiety I have a general distrust of people. I'm very suspicious of people and careful of what people say. I have a tendency to let people talk so that I can analyze their psychological development to handle them. There's a feeling of unsafety with people. Also, this is very context dependant: my social anxiety can be low in some environments and high in other environments. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 7/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Fear of vulnerability / showing my pain / failures / insecurities I noticed that I'm a bit afraid of sharing how I really feel. It happened to me in the past when I would hurt myself accidentally and a close relative would look at me and I would respond: "What? What are you looking at? What is your problem?" Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 7/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Very sensitive to noises I am a naturally very sensitive person as I experience things very strongly. However, regarding noises, there might also be other contributing factors, but I'm not sure. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 7/10 Annoyed by incompetency I noticed that when I'm very good at something, I expect others to be as good as I am. I can therefore by annoyed by incompetent people. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5.5/10 Difficulties regarding dating This goes in hand with social anxiety. I always had a lot of difficulties relating to people and this issue made dating even more difficult for me. My fear of failure and fear of rejection is very strong in this area. I have the problem of not resonating with 99% of people and the feeling of not being good enough for a relationship. There's also an environmental factor that makes things more or less difficult. Overall, I see the experiences that had contributed to this feeling, but I haven't dig into that yet. I have shadows and limiting beliefs in this area and I'm going to take all of them down in this journal. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 5/10 Average Perception: 6.5/10 Difficult being authentic / Shame of self-expression There's a feeling that I should not express myself authentically and that I should always be careful of what people think of me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike of encouragements This doesn't feel genuine to me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike being taken care of Feel like people are always dishonest. Feels inauthentic, not genuine. I feel like I'm waiting for someone to be kind with me, then put a knife in my back. I told to my mom several times is the past: "Please, don't care about me. Act as if I was dead, let me die." Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Dislike of masculine compassion I think that masculine compassion doesn't work in 99% of cases. However, I see some traumas related to that as it has been wrongly used on me. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 6/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Fakeness There's a part of me that wants to prove itself, a part of me that wants to show how great he is. This part feels very fake/inauthentic. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Fear of failure My fear of failure has always been very high in my life. I'm not sure why, I think that this is related to my dad. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 6/10 Tendency to overcatastrophize / overstress I noticed that I have a tendency to over catastrophize situations. In consequence, it backfires and my ability to deal with the situation is lower than it could be. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5.5/10 Annoyed by people who wants to help me I noticed that I often time dislike getting some help, especially for small things in life. When I'm trying to learn something, I want to experience the pleasure of discovering things by myself. I see people who want to help me as intrusive and disrupting of my enjoyment of the process. There might be something behind this feeling rather than just a personality trait. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Shame of being performant / doing great I noticed that when I'm doing great some people can get easily jealous and attack me. In consequence, I feel that I shouldn't be great. I also see bad family conditioning. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Discouragement after making good progress when facing difficulties I noticed that I can be very easily discouraged in the face of difficulties and want to switch to something else. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Sense of urgency / Wanting to go fast I noticed that I feel a sense of urgency in my life, that I need to go as quickly as possible because otherwise, I'll waste my life. This feeling of urgency can sometimes happen when I'm working on projects with strict deadlines. Often time this feeling backfires on me. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Uncomfortable with touch This always felt weird for me because I'm not very people-oriented and don't understand why I should touch people and don't see a need to touch people. However, I do see some experiences that contributed to that. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 4/10 Average Perception: 5/10 Dislike of people being interested in me This doesn't feel genuine to me. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4.5/10 Shame of not being able to connect and communicate properly with the people from my country I'm part of a minority in my country and while growing up my parents didn't teach me the language that is mostly used. I understand what people say and can I communicate but I have an accent which create some shame. Personal Perception: 8/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Pessimism I can often have a bit a of pessimism / negativity in me. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Regular sadness I often experience some sadness. I think that this is mostly related to processing traumas from a few years ago, but there might be something else here. Personal Perception: 6/10 External Perception: 2/10 Average Perception: 4/10 Ashamed of racism that I got I got some racism that I'm ashamed of because of my atypical situation. The fact I'm mixed-race and the misunderstanding that I often receive from people also causes me difficulties to sort things out. Personal Perception: 7/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 2.5/10 Jealous of successful friends I noticed some jealousy in the past, but overall this is pretty low. Personal Perception: 4/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 2/10 Racism I can still feel a bit of resentment towards some people and have some small intrusive thoughts, but overall this is very low. Personal Perception: 2/10 External Perception: 0/10 Average Perception: 1/10

Issues Evaluation → Document: Issues Evaluation These are just a few definitions for this journal. Personal vs. External Perception Personal Perception: How big I consider the problem to be. External Perception: How big people consider the problem to be. Notation 0/10: Non-Existent 1/10: Very Low 2/10: Very Low 3/10: Low 4/10: Low 5/10: Medium 6/10: Medium 7/10: A Bit Strong 8/10: Strong 9/10: Very Strong 10/10: Impossible to Cope

15/08/2021 (Week 29) If any of what I wrote this week is true, it might be helpful if I... let go of the resentment that I have towards my parents recognize that my parents aren't good or bad recognize that my parents are doing the best that they can have more empathy for my parents have more compassion for my parents give love to my parents

Weekly Statistics (09 August 2021 - 15 August 2021) Total Working Time 27 hours 40 minutes Average Focus 3.47 / 5 Average Progress / Session 3.34 / 5

15 August 2021 Wake Up Time: 09:26 AM (objective 6:30 AM - 7:00 AM) In Bed Time: 11:38 PM (objective 10:30 PM - 11:00 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ❌ Breathwork ✅ No social media until 7 PM ✅ 45 minutes of Doing Nothing Before Going To Sleep Work Sessions No work for today Very difficult night of sleep. I'm going to do a few changes: I'm going to cut my meditation time to 30 minutes and replace the 45 minutes of doing nothing by 1 hour 15 minutes of random journaling on paper. Total Work Duration: 0 minutes, including 0 minutes of Deep Work Average Focus: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3.5 / 5) Average Progress / Session: ~ / 5 (objective at least 3/5)

@rnd I don't know. I have simply practiced the technique presented by Leo so far.

There's really something going on with my gut. I experience very frequent burps, my digestion is irregular and strange, I always feel like I have residues in my intestines. I feel that there is a connection with stress, quality of thoughts, quality of focus, sleep, and gut. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/fodmaps-101 https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/foods-high-in-fodmaps#TOC_TITLE_HDR_11