Raphael

15 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 04:30 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:05 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Went to sleep at 12:20 AM, woke up at 4:30 AM full of energy lol.

@SamC @soos_mite_ah I think that there's between 50% - 70% ego trickery here lol.

I noticed that I have increasing difficulties assessing myself with models. The models that I'm the most familiar with are Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, and the MBTI. It was easier for me to use models to see where I was in life 2 - 3 years ago but now something feels a bit off. I noticed thoughts, questions, and emotions arising: I feel more and more difficulties assessing myself as being at a certain Spiral Dynamics stage or a certain Ego Development Stage. I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere. What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings. I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself. No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me. Any developmental model is basically a tool to guide ourselves on the path. However, the path from a certain perspective is just a concept. From the absolute perspective there is no path, the path is an illusion. What exists is experience, the now, or whatever we want to call that. I'm conscious that both sides of this paradox need to be integrated. The path is very uncertain. I can use models to orient myself and convince myself that I'm going somewhere, but I can get killed and everything will be over. My intuition is telling me to drop all models and just look at areas that I want to improve and focus on things that I want to do. My intuition is also telling me to follow my intuition more, but at the same time my intuition knows that models help to develop and sharpen intuition. So I'm going to continue using models but with awareness of their limitations. Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously. I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be. Who relates to this?

Yeah, I felt that a lot in the past and I actually discovered many things intuitively even though I consumed a lot of knowledge too.

@soos_mite_ah I actually have some shame and shadows here related to my approach to personal development that lacks some structure and organization. I consider that this is why this reaction against models and self-assesment is an ego reaction from me. Maybe.

Yes. I know the overall direction that I want to take, I have a vision but at the same time I'm still dealing with basic things. A part of me feels very developed while a few other essential parts feel underdeveloped. This is confusing for me to put myself somewhere. These are really nice thoughts, thank you. Yeah, I'm currently experiencing something like this.

The more confused I am in life, the more people are telling me that I'm doing great. Lol

I had an offer today from a potential client to work on a project related to green energy. I would work only 3 days per week with a good pay and would be able to make some presentations too. This is a stable part-time position so it would relieve me from the stress of dealing with chaotic clients who come and disappear. It would also allow me to change my environment, meet new people, and continue working on my app aside and even hire a freelancer to help me. The guy seemed open and has experience with multiple cultures as he worked in at least two different countries. He also has been a freelancer in the past and understands how chaotic and uncertain things can be sometimes. He was honest with me and I was honest with him as I told him about my app, my project to make it my main income, and that I would probably not work more than six months for him. He was cool with all that. I noticed some contractions and burning sensations in my stomach while I was speaking to him on the phone. This is related to past traumas caused by relationships in work environments, I still have to work through that. Things are unfolding interestingly...

This is an ego trick. I'm noticing some residues within myself from who I was when I was 20 - 21.

No. It's an ego trick.

I smell a lot of ego within me and a lot of ego related to my relationship with these models.

I really need an environmental change to this point. I have been talking so little in the past 4 years because of unfavorable environments that I feel that my ability to use language diminished. I feel that I have less vocabulary than 4 years ago both in French and English. I also feel that it has an impact on my cognitive abilities and the sophistication of my thoughts. I'm naturally rather introverted (I also have been a bit of an ambivert at some moments in my life), but at the same time this feeling of social isolation is becoming too much. I have more and more difficulties assessing myself using models like Spiral Dynamics and The 9 Stages of Ego Development. I don't feel human anymore. I want to move to a place that is at least at stage Orange/Green so that I can talk to people and express my emotions more without feeling too much pressure.

I Have More and More Difficulties Assessing Myself With Models I noticed that I have increasing difficulties assessing myself with models. The models that I'm the most familiar with are Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, and the MBTI. It was easier for me to use models to see where I was in life 2 - 3 years ago but now something feels a bit off. I noticed thoughts, questions, and emotions arising: I feel more and more difficulties assessing myself as being at a certain Spiral Dynamics stage or a certain Ego Development Stage. I can relate with many of these stages except the most advanced ones (Turquoise, The Unitive) but I feel less than before that I have a certain center of gravity. I feel a bit everywhere. What does a model really mean in the end? Isn't it just a set of information that backed by a web of information feels like it means something? If in a language, words define other words, which then define other words, which then define other words... then a model doesn't mean anything. Assuming that all knowledge is imperfect, the question "Why should I trust a model?" is arising, however, at the same time, I'm conscious that models are useful and are helping me grow because in the relative context I'm a human being who use tools just like other human beings. I feel more and more that the map is not the territory. I feel that I am in the middle of the paradox that the map is not the territory but is useful anyway. Things feel a bit chaotic and uncertain even though I can use imperfect models to orient myself. No matter how much I assess myself, it will always be incorrect, infinitely distant from who I am, and not represent me. Any developmental model is basically a tool to guide ourselves on the path. However, the path from a certain perspective is just a concept. From the absolute perspective there is no path, the path is an illusion. What exists is experience, the now, or whatever we want to call that. I'm conscious that both sides of this paradox need to be integrated. The path is very uncertain. I can use models to orient myself and convince myself that I'm going somewhere, but I can get killed and everything will be over. My intuition is telling me to drop all models and just look at areas that I want to improve and focus on things that I want to do. My intuition is also telling me to follow my intuition more, but at the same time my intuition knows that models help to develop and sharpen intuition. So I'm going to continue using models but with awareness of their limitations. Rejecting models can come from below and come from above. From below the ego is trying to convince itself that it is better and doesn't need models. From above, it is a recognition that models are useful but limited and shouldn't be taken too seriously. I feel that my ego is trying to trick me. He wants to show himself as being above models by dismissing how useful models can be. Who relates to this?

13 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 08:01 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:30 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ❌ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ✅ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Almost didn't sleep of the entire night. I was dealing with some traumas and existential shit.

Positive Radical Honesty They are two sides to radical honesty: a dirty side and a positive side. Usually, when it comes to radical honesty we mostly think about our dirty side. Being radically honest about what's dirty inside us helps to release a lot of emotions and overcome blockages. This is great but we also often have difficulties recognizing what we are really capable of. The positive side of radical honesty is about recognizing all the untapped potential inside us. Doing it is scary because when we do it we feel like we have been wasting our life. However, it's never too late to recognize our full capabilities and to realize who we really are. Here are things that are great about me: I am extremely aware I am extremely intuitive I am extremely intelligent I am extremely creative I am extremely original I have a natural quirky sense of humor I am physically healthy I am physically attractive I have very high-level thinking abilities I am a very deep thinker, there's a lot of depth to my thinking I have really good public speaking skills I'm good at seeing things from multiple perspectives I am very objective and very neutral I have the capacity to quickly learn anything that I want I have the capacity to solve any possible problem I have the capacity to radically raise human development through an holistic understanding of the globe and of human nature I have the capacity to create a deep and fulfilling intimate relationship

All these models makes me feel under develop.

I have more and more difficulties assessing myself with Spiral Dynamics. It was easier ~2 years ago, but now things feels very different. I really don't feel like I'm mostly somewhere. I resonate a bit with all these stages and still have things to integrate but overall I don't feel that I can put myself as being mostly at a stage. I feel that I am nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Things are getting weird, I'm not sure what is happening. Maybe I'm bored with Spiral Dynamics and bored with assessing myself... I'm not sure. Maybe a part of me is starting to evolve beyond Spiral Dynamics... but I'm not sure. Maybe I should change my main model and use more "The 9 Stages of Ego Development" or another model... but I'm not sure. It has been at least 6 years since I discovered Spiral Dynamics, a part of me is really bored with this model. There's also a part of me who feel that these models are useless because when I follow my intuition I evolve naturally, but another part of me feels like the part who feels that these models are useless isn't wise enough... Why am I so weird? Even within this community I feel weird and abnormal.

12 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 05:48 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 11:00 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ❌ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed (did 50 minutes)

The AQAL model looks like the ultimate model so far. It tries to encapsulate everything: Spiral Dynamics, The 9 Stages of Ego Development, etc. It might even be a bit too much sophisticated.

There's a limitations with threads like this and this is not the usual limitation of labeling ourselves as better. Sure, this can happen but labeling ourselves and assessing where we are in life is fine as long as this is healthy. I feel that this is something related to the limitation of knowledge, how we make sense and what we perceive as true. I'm not sure what this is, but I can intuit something...

Not sure if I'm becoming asexual, but I feel like all my sexual desires disappeared.

All knowledge is flawed and inaccurate. Being too much attached to knowledge and models is a trap just like dismissing how much knowledge and models can be useful. It's important to learn to use knowledge and models in an healthy detached way.

To this point, I'm really getting bored with Spiral Dynamics. I'm stage Rainbow, end of the story.

I have more and more difficulties to categorize myself: Sometimes I consider myself at Orange/Green because I'm still integrating the business and success aspect of Orange, but aside from that I don't resonate with most things at Orange. Sometimes I see myself as mostly at Yellow with some Orange and Green because I really try to be as objective as possible and see things from different perspectives. However, Yellow is much more complex that we can assume, it's very difficult to be mostly at Yellow as it demands a lot of knowledge and life experiences that I don't think I have at my age. At some moments I even felt that I was at Turquoise. Overall, I think that I avoid a bit the emotional vulnerability of Green. Also, where someone is mostly at can vary on the kind of issue that he/she is dealing with even though it is not the person's usual center of gravity. For example if someone is usually at Yellow but went through some though challenges and need to heal, then this person will spend more time at Green to be in touch with his/her emotions and clear the traumas and therefore the center of gravity will be Green.

11 October 2021 Wake Up Time: 06:28 AM (objective 6:00 AM - 6:30 AM) In Bed Time: 10:35 PM (objective 10:00 PM - 10:30 PM) ✅ Stretching after waking up ✅ Cold shower after waking up ✅ 1 hour of meditation ✅ No distractions until 7 PM ❌ 1 hour of journaling or doing nothing before going to bed Almost didn't sleep of the entire night but went through my day anyway. My head hurt because of lack of sleep.